Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

June 1^st, 2007. The day my life officially became THE BUSINESS! Yes, ladies and gentleman. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’ve been trying to keep really quiet about everything, but it’s done now. It’s official, yes, your girl is a full time writer. Yesterday was my last day as an employee at Stiles Hall and while I am going to miss it and appreciate all that I have learned and gained from the experience, I realized a few months back that it was time to move on. So with a lot of prayer and a lot of trust in God, I quit my job to pursue my dreams in life.

            This morning I woke up at 6:30 am, which if you know me, you know that that goes against everything I stand for. But I woke up this morning with a fat smile on my face. For the first time in a long time, I felt myself get excited about the day. I woke up feeling like, I couldn’t waste a moment and I needed to take advantage. So after I woke back up, (Let’s keep it real, I will Always be Brandelyn first and foremost) I jumped in the shower, got dressed and walked down to the local black owned coffee shop to settle in for the day. Punctuating my work with a brief vegetarian sandwich break, I looked up at the clock and realized that I had been working for four and half hours straight. No break, no time off, just straight and I loved every moment of it. My hand are covered with ink that never quite washes off and my back is a little stiff from being bent over for so long, but I’ll take it. I finally left the coffee shop after sitting back and listening to the small group of older black men in the corner argue about whatever it was they could think to argue about. I walked outside and made my way back to my apartment with Jill Scott in my ear, the clouds clearing above my head and a breeze clearing away the slight headache that had formed from concentrating that hard for that long. I couldn’t help but to smile because I realized that this is going to be my new life. I’m an artist, a writer, and as I carried four copies of the East Bay express with the article discussing the t-shirt protest in my hands, I laugh as I add activist to my resume of titles.

            God is so good. I don’t know what lies ahead or what the next day will bring, but I hope that my story and my life will encourage someone. Last Wednesday I went to church and the woman who spoke said When God tells you something, sometimes you just have to know and that is all that it is too it. I know that this decision to “quit my day job” may sound crazy to a lot of people, but I don’t care. I KNOW what God told me and I’m holding on to that. There are some really big things coming up my way and I plan to take all of you guys along with me on the journey. Like I say when ever I sign a book,

The Legacy Begins....

Peace Y’all

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 02:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Hello, my name is Brandelyn and I am writer, *pauses to accept greeting, Hi, like I said, I am a writer who doesn’t have time to write. I mean, it all started with getting a full time job. I thought that since this job was for a non profit, that it would give me all the time I needed to write, but I was wrong. Because my job is very personalized, the nights I don’t have to take work home are considered luxuries in which I find myself sitting in my living room curled up with the book I’ve been trying to read for the past few months, or catching up on all of the shows I’ve missed over the past few weeks. Not writing. Another excuse, and yes I do realize that I am making excuses, but hey this is my life, is that my laptop Dino, *pauses to acknowledge the chuckles from the other writers who have named their laptops; right, but Dino doesn’t like to cooperate with me. By time I get him to start up and get going, and I get myself going, the dang thing freezes up before I can even get a good grove going. So I just turn it back on and get into Spider Solitaire and keep it moving. It doesn’t take much to frustrate me. Then of course there is the fact that I have so much running through my head that its hard to focus on these imaginary characters and get their lives straight, when mine is feeling a bit no tanto mucho its dag nab self...so what is the balance? If I don’t work, I don’t get paid, I can’t pay rent, I can’t live, but if I don’t write, I carry my stress badly, I feel guilty, I feel incomplete as a human being. I know you’re thinking that this is a bit dramatic, but its how I feel. I am a writer. That is what I do. That is what defines me as a person, and if I can’t do it, doesn’t that make me incomplete? *pauses to acknowledge the nods of her fellow group members...So I don’t know. I’m hoping that joining Writers Anonymous will help me feel like I’m not a horrible person because my pen has gotten dusty. It is my hope that this is just one of those writers block moments. That one day, the sun will shine again and I will be able to find my voice as a writer once again, and get my pen to going. I don’t know. They say that all things come to an end, and maybe one novel and book of poetry and two half novels that I just can’t seem to complete, and the monthly column in that magazine in New York and the writing prize I won in college are it for me. Maybe that’s the end of the rode. I think I’d be okay with that if I could just get this novel finished. If I could just squeeze it out of my soul where it is churning and begging to be cultivated. Maybe then I could lay it all to rest and just be your average joe. I don’t know. But thanks for listening.

*sits down to the sound of applause from her fellow writers who have been there and done that and know exactly what she is going through...she sits down and crosses her feet at the ankles, suddenly feeling better for having gotten that off of her chest....

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This is a brand new poem...Let me know if you're feelin' it!!!

Peace!

I’m thinking of you

Wondering if the crinkle above my nose is causing you to lose sleep at night

Wishing I could fold you into my dreams

And make you real

My heart is telling me

To move forward with open wings

Pull you into my Queendom

And teach you the truth

Expose my inner parts to you

Explain that my mystery is not blue

But red

A blinding ball of fire

Designed to enrapture

You

Caution has been thrown to the wind

And though I may try to pretend

For your sake

Not mine

That I’m just not that in to you

As you listen to the silences in between our words

When the sound of breathing is the only thing holding us together

You recognize the smile that is lingering on your face

And you’ll understand that you are content

Because now you know

That I am right there with you

And I will continue to smile

And breathe in my fantasies

I will smile at the knowledge that I scare you

That I cause you to believe in something

You once thought was dead

That your heart did not start beating until I said hello

While I continue to count down the memories

Until they become new

And I will continue to dwell in the fact

That I can’t shake the thoughts in my head

Filled with pieces of you

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Time always seems to pass by slow when you are anxious about something. The crazy thing is that I don’t even know what I am anxious about. I just have all of this pent up energy I don’t know what to do with. I’m extremely excited about this weekend though. I’m taking another one of my famous writers retreats to fall back in love with my novel and get refocused. I have been living in that I’ll get back to work on the novel as soon as…as soon as…as soon as…Shout out to sex and the city…but I’m locking myself in a hotel room and just writing. It will be really good. These retreats are always extremely productive. I also need to get re-centered. I have had way too much on my mind lately. Way too much unnecessary-ness…that’s a word, that’s a word…on my mind, so I need to get it back together. So that is the plan for the weekend. To only be available to myself and be selfish for once. I hope I can actually do that and not wind up using this allotted time to help someone else out, but we’ll see. I’m excited though. I feel like I am finally in a place where I can get cracking and actually remain focused. I’ve been in this really creative place lately, mostly poetry, which is a huge relief because I thought I’d written all the poems I thought I could. But my goal is to finish the first draft by the end of the year. That is going to take a lot, but I like setting goals and seeing how close to it I get. But things are good. I still have these butterflies in my stomach, but at least I’ll be able to release some of the tension this weekend! Anyway, I’m out the jheri curl! Peace!

Posted by Brandelyn at 02:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

            “I wrote to get the stench of love lost off of my being. I wrote because crying was not sufficient. I wrote basically to save the me I had grown to appreciate. And once again, I found words utterly freeing.” Jill Scott

            Yesterday I got an unexpected surprise. The advance copies of my book finally arrived at my office, even though I wasn’t expecting them until Thursday. When I opened the box, I can’t explain it. I wasn’t as freaked out as I was the first time I saw a copy of my book. I was excited to finally hold it in my hand and I ran right over to my ROSE’s office and gave her a copy, but the mind blowing euphoria that I initially felt wasn’t there this time. I went home yesterday, took the most ridiculous nap known to man and woke up and started thinking. As I sat on my living room floor listening to the new India.Arie album, it dawned on me, that I wasn’t super amped because this was the norm. The level of excitement I felt was normal, and necessary; yes I am excited about this book, no I can’t wait to get it in the hands of as many people as I possibly can, yes this is yet another dream come true, but this is exactly how it should be. I should be getting boxes with copies of my book in them. I should be stressing about book signings and promotion and of course writing, because that’s what I am. I’m a writer.

            It’s funny because I get approached ALL the time by people who are inspired to write a book. I take each approach as a form of flattery because to me, that means that my work has inspired someone to do something greater then themselves, but at the same time, people just don’t know. As with any craft, writing is not easy. You have to be passionate about it. There is a lot of research, editing, digging, reaping, pain, laughter and life that goes into each and every strand of words. It is not just something that can be tossed together and printed out and viola! You have a book. It’s not like that.

This is what I do, what I love, but sometimes, it feels like its too much and I don’t feel like doing it anymore. So I put my pen down, and walk away from it. But every time I do I feel like a piece of me is missing. Like I’m not really Brandelyn unless I have my face in a book, a pen in my hand and a journal in my purse. Its more then just producing books. Its more then just entertaining my readers. It’s about verbally shaking off all of life that is trying to swallow me up and silence me. I can only imagine where I would be if I didn’t have this outlet. Last night, India.Arie said that she used to keep everything bottled up. That she would hold everything inside and practically go crazy until she started writing songs. Once she started writing songs, she was able to express herself and get things out and off her chest. I feel that. I started writing as away to release myself from the hurt of my first love, of a broken dream, of disappointment in myself, of feeling that I would never really be good at something. Yeah, these were selfish reasons initially, but all of the things I was hoping to accomplish with my writing were accomplished. But something even bigger occurred. I know now, that I am a writer. If for no other reason then my own sanity, I am a writer.

“I will write

Ina way that will surprise you

Shock you and offend

Ignite and impregnate

Some

It is the cause and the purpose my sweets

Poets must think and re think

I will write

Ina way that will make you love me

Well some of you

I am thinking

Think too

You must not always agree

You must not believe me higher

I am a poet

This is my job

I will write”

~Jill Scott

Posted by Brandelyn at 10:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm not sure how i'm feeling right now! LOL! I'm so excited. I logged onto Barnesandnoble.com this morning and typed in the title of my book and it popped right up! I mean...really?! The funny thing is that I sent out about 50 Billion emails about it! LOL! but I don't even have a copy of the dag nab book yet! They should be here any day now, but that is hilarious! I'm so happy. It feels so good to have something finally come together! Anyway, holler at the website, www.beencee.com  for all of the details!! Man, I am so freaking amped!

Peace y'all

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Some of you have asked about my new novel. I posted this excerpt on Myspace a few weeks ago to interesting reactions. So i'm posting it here for my new audience. I look forward to your comments, and yes, this is a true story....

B 

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When I imagine my life, I think of long weekends, oils burning, ‘honest music set to guitar strumming’, candles, and warm breezes. I think of laughter and sparkling wine and Sunday dinners and ‘Living Single’ Marathons. I think about poetry and art and museums and bookstores and plays. I think about music and softness. I think about peace.

I’ve always been a dreamer. Always had my head in a book and, dreaming up fantasies and stories that I wished were my own life. I can attribute that to always getting in trouble as a kid and using books to entertain myself when going outside was not an option (hi Mom). But as 27 looms in front of me, I realize that I haven’t been taking full advantage of my dreams. I realize that I have been clinging with my fingertips to the lifestyle I have always imagined for myself, but have yet to make any REAL and drastic moves to make that happen. I realized yesterday while I was at the gym, that I am not fully utilizing my power. I have the power to make some serious decisions about my life and the way I live it, but I am not taking advantage of that right. I asked myself who was it that decided that when you graduated from college you only had one of two choices, 1. Get a job and start building up a 401k and get married and all that jazz or 2. Go to graduate or professional school to prolong the inevitable, i.e. getting a job. Yesterday, in my moment of clarity I realized that I have always done things slightly non-traditionally, and have always sort of blazed my own path. Although I do have a job that I enjoy, whenever someone asks me what I do, I say that I am a writer. First and foremost, but am I? I’ve been half ass working on my new novel, mainly because my job is seeping into my career, slowly sucking away all of my free time. I know now, that I have some serious choices to make in my life.  I know now that I have the capabilities to step outside of the ‘norm’ and make my dreams happen, my way. I’m not too young to create a life for myself. To set myself up so I can actually be a Writer.

In the scope of life, I don’t want things that are far-fetched. I just don’t want to have to answer to anyone, have anyone breathing down my neck asking me to do things and conform my work ethic to fit someone else’s standard. If I need to go home to LA to see my family I want to be able to do that without having to go through anything other than travel arrangements. I want to wake up in the morning and have to pray, not to keep me from hurting somebody, but a prayer of thanks for the fulfillment of promises and dreams. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever that I can’t make these things happen, that I can’t support myself by myself and not be a slave to making money. I just want to be comfortable, I want to be able to live my life, but more importantly be fulfilled by my work. As you get older, I’ve seen it happen a million times, dreams begin to slip and responsibilities begin to take precedence over everything else you try to do. I feel that, but I also feel like this is the last time in my life that I am going to get to be irresponsible. This is my last chance to make decisions based on what Brandelyn wants, so I might as well take advantage.

My book is finally in production and the advance copies will be mailed out to me next week. When I got the email from my publisher, I didn’t get excited; instead, I felt a huge calm wash over me. I felt like I was ready to do this. I was ready to put my dreams into motion and make it happen. I know that I can take the calm feeling I have as a good thing. God does not live in chaos. Just give me a year…just give me a year…

Peace,

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

          So last night, I had a “Come on Blood!” moment. My Rose and I went to Barnes and Noble because she wanted to find a book and a Grande Caramel Machiotto was calling my name. So we rolled to the BN and perused the aisles, with me happily sucking down my caffeine fix for the day. Now, I have to say that ever since I read Cupcake Brown’s book, I have been really getting into Biography’s, real biographies. By that I mean real stories about real people, who are still alive who are not famous and haven’t saved the world, but have an amazing story that is universal. Cupcakes book is exactly that. So I went over to the section and, yeah…didn’t see anything that caught my eye. No worries, this is Barnes and Noble, home of my novel, I’ll find something to occupy my mind.  So I headed over to the fiction section and began scanning the shelves. Just as a side bar, people really underestimate the power of the book cover. As a writer, the cover is crucial. A striking cover can get someone to just pick up a book and read the cover, and be introduced to a new writer, just off the sheer power of the cover. It’s happened to me a million times. How else do you think I wound up reading “Bling?!” Anyway, as I was scanning, it seemed like every book I picked up that was geared toward Black folks, was so…how do you say…stereotypical, media stereotypical. It seemed like every book I picked up read like this…

            “Having been abandoned by her drug addict mother and beaten up by every man she’s dated, Beautyfull Lashayshay Jackson has given up on the prospect of finding love. Tired of struggling to care for herself and her kids, Beautyfull falls into the sex, drugs and insanity of the stripping world, burying herself in the lifestyle, swearing off the possibility of love and poverty. Tired of giving away her heart for free, Beautyfull swears that the next man she dates will have to have the money to buy her affections.

Lavarius Johnson, an ex-con with a heart of gold, trying to get back on his feet, has all but sworn off women after having his heart broken by one two many women looking for a paycheck and not a boyfriend. When an unexpected death in his family has a surprising pay off, Lavarius suddenly finds himself living the lifestyle he always dreamed about. But as the women that surround him have their eyes on his pockets, he wonders if he can find a woman who can love him for him and not his money.

A chance meeting forces both Lavarius and Beautyfull to question their motives and open themselves up to the possibility of love…”

Now, of course this is an off the top, extremely exaggerated rendering of the tomfoolery I saw last night, but I think it makes my point. I would have to say that with the exception of the Alice and Tony and Gloria, and a view other selects, who, by the way, all happen to be pretty seasoned (read older) in life, this was all BN had to offer. Why does the Black literary world have to be so extreme? Why do we have to be thugs and ho’s or extremely adult political powers? Where is the middle? Where are the twenty something’s that are trying to make it? Where are the college stories that are not just about Sororities and Fraternities? Where are the stories about people? I know that books are meant to be an escape from the real world, but why does the escape have to be so dismal? Why do we constantly have to perpetuate this lifestyle? And why do we continue to support it? Why does the section labeled “African American Interest” filled with “My Baby’s Mama”, and “Yeah, I stabbed the Bitch” and “Chasing Shawntay”?! Is this what African Americans are interested in? Is this what we are drawn to? I guess the answer is yes because there is a HUGE market for this type of material. It took me over an hour to find a book, and I’m still a little skeptical about it. But Toni Morrison has indorsed this author, so we’ll see! But come on! I know too many talented writers with a unique perspective that could honestly rock the literary world!! But most of us are so busy writing that we are not doing anything to put our work out there, myself included. We are being bombarded with these negative images and I personally am tired of it! I am researching ways to stop working and pursue this thing full time. Especially since I know in my heart that I am not equipped to work for other people…I think I got that from my momma! LOL! But for all of my fellow writers and readers…there is an epidemic going on that we must stop! Who’s with me?!

Posted by Brandelyn at 10:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (7) | TrackBacks (0)