Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

It is noon on a Saturday and I am drinking pomegranate wine and listening to Amy Winehouse. I should be feeling happy, quiet, just fine, but my mind is racing and so I write. I am contemplating putting my apartment back together. The boxes are beginning to cause me stress. Subtle but very real stress. I am placing the books back onto the shelf, making room for the new books I bought to make myself feel better, but only managed to make me feel guilty. Guilt has become my new best friend, one I can't get rid of, so I just hide myself between the pages of my journal and the covers of my new books and wait for the feeling to pass. I'm still waiting for that feeling to pass. The boxes are being folded up and stored into the closet because I will need them soon. Its just not time yet. The time has not come. But it will. [I keep telling myself.] [because its true.] [right?]

I am searching for my home. The one place where I belong. Where I will blend and become a part of the life around me. The place where I can be settled and free. The place where my blossoms can fully unfold and bloom. I am anxious all of the time. Anxious for more. Anxious for the chance. Anxious for the answers. Anxious for peace. I am anxious for separation and closeness; questions as well as answers. A chance to recreate, hit reset, begin this thing called life. I am ready.

Where has my confidence gone? My ability to make decisions for my life that are solid and firm. When did I need to seek council, advice, confirmation? I am going to unpack. Put my life here, where I am in this moment, back together and find my peace...here.

Focus on the great things. Focus on the forward movement. Focus on the day, the moment, this moment, because this is all there is. Everything that is supposed to happen, will happen when it is ready to happen. Just be. This is all we have.

I need:

• Arms around me for longer than a moment

• Sleep that is sound and deep and does not appear with the aid of a pill

• Company

• Quiet

• Love

• Breathing space

• A good, long, hard cry

• The chance to feel

• More pomegranate wine

• A place to call my own

• A fresh start, a new leaf, a new chance

• A moment in the sunshine

• Connections that don't cause pain

• the chance

• A hand on my thigh and a face nuzzled in my neck

• A back rub

• a chance to rebuild

• A belly laugh

• A reset button

• Better movies from Netflix this weekend

I believe:

• The release will come

• The time will come

• The snippets I create in my mind and in the pages of my journal and in my mind will someday gel together and fully explain all of these things I … feel.

• One day I will find the place where I belong

• One day I will deal in reality and not what I hope one day will be

• One day I will get my body in order

• I meant to say finances, but the truth shall set you free

• Someday it will all make sense

Its time for me to unpack.

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

1.      “Carrying this moment, which belonged to them, as far as it could go…” James Baldwin

2.      Today is a quiet day

3.      Words are swirling around in my head but cannot seem to make it down to my lips so I will allow them to float where they are, somewhere between my thoughts and my pen until they are ready to scream…

4.      My phone is off today. Too much noise.

5.      My house is clean… clear… fresh

5a. Still feel some clutter, full, almost bursting at the seams, but it’s getting  there

6.      Breathing space…created…necessary… easy

7.      I feel the need to read through old words of mine, of his, of ours and collect inspiration… before I write…

8.      Thinking

9.      I believe that my moment is near. That sudden, blink and you’ll miss it moment is waiting just around the corner, ready to jump out and scare me, the way my brother used to do when we were kids…

9a. This time I’m ready for it

9b. Like I never was with my brother…

9c. Memories like that, always make me smile

10. Human

10a. I feel human today. Open. Raw. Vulnerable. Unable to escape these feelings,       unwanting to escape them, so instead I open my arms to embrace them, tightly.

10b. They are mine after all. And no one can love them like I can. So I will.

10.c November. Retreat. Escape. Excited

11. Feeing stronger in my invisibility. Growing and stretching becoming more secure in who I am.

12. Searching for something real

12a. Valuable. Precious. Treasure

12b. Truth

12c. Desperate for Truth

13. I think I have become allergic to all things surface. I need depth.

14. Perhaps I am becoming a fish. Diving deeper into myself and discovering uncharted territory

15. Let me open my eyes and look around. Breathe in the water without fear of drowning, but sucking in refreshing and truth

16. “I. am. Not. Afraid.”  Jill Scott

17. I [need] want someone to dive and swim with me

18. “Take me away, far from this place, far from the people…” Emily King

18a. Take me deep into a conversation where there is dialogue, not me talking, or me listening, but us engaging in each other’s thoughts and walking down the path of our ideas, exploring them as we shed our layers and become more naked and exposed, yet comfortable and secure with each transfer of words

19. A simple jactation of the things we have always been afraid to say

please.

      20. Tired of talking

      21. Tired of listening

      22. Ready. Ready to engage

      23. [engaged] no longer

      24. My head is spinning…it kind of feels good…so I’ll go with it

      25. Today is a quiet day. I need some space to let my mind flip itself over and rest.      

[reset]

      26. November. Rejuvenate. Escape. Excited

      27. I’m not drinking coffee today. I’d rather remain here in this haze of quiet and

thought and prayer and warmth

      28. Not sleepy. Not awake. Existing

      29. Living is exhausting and sometimes you just need to exist, quietly, without

fanfare or parade

      30. Just be

      31. Just breathe

      32. Today is a quiet day

      33. Today I will just be… Quiet  

Photo Credit : http://blog.nature.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/quiet-nature-photo-of-week.jpg

Posted by Brandelyn at 07:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

1. We never know the impact we have on people. I will never fully understand it, but when someone says they need me, I am there. When I don't hear those words, I am there anyway.
   
2. That is something I truly love about myself.
   
3. I am a person who does not respond well to compliments but will soak in harsh words and will wear them like my skin tone
4.  I listen to Jill Scott on repeat because she answers my questions, about life, in general
1. I promise we are related
2. I’m just sayin’
5.  Music is my sanity
   
6. I have accomplished a lot but feel like they are just baby steps on the road to my destiny
1. Hungry to take real strides
7. I love random words like cascade, behoove,  and word
1. And I mean 'word' in the I agree with you sense
2. I like saying it
8. I love the crackling sound a brand new book makes when you open it for the first time
9. I have grown to love hardcover books, but there is something about a nice worn paperback book that you got for a quarter off of the back rack in the used bookstore down the street
10. I carry Tide to go sticks with me everywhere because I am not one of those perfect people who can wear white clothes and ever get anything on it.
    
11. I am not one of those perfect people who can wear any color and not get anything on it
12. And I just really love the concept of tide to go sticks and how well they actually work, but I wonder if it is actually just water...
    
13. I could spend my Saturdays in used bookstores wearing a sundress with my shoulders out, big hair that is untamed, sandals and unpolished toes, and be truly happy
14. I love the light the floats into someone’s eyes when you offer a simple hello, a gentle reminder that I see you and no you are not invisible
1. I need that myself sometimes, which is why I constantly speak to people I see on the street, random strangers who are going through life, trying to keep their head above water, just like me
2. We are all the same. I forget that sometimes. We all breathe, cry, sweat and believe.
3. Or at least try to believe
4. In each other, despite the disappointment, In our dreams, despite the fear, In ourselves, despite ourselves
15. I love cupcakes, any kind really, but my favorite is white cake with white frosting.
1. I wonder if there is some kind of subconscious message in that
16. I'm a big girl, struggling to love herself everyday
17. I have had 350 million conversations about my weight and why having so much of it is bad, and why I should be unhappy, and unsatisfied with my life and how I should go to Ross, stock up on those silky animal print moo-moos and hide my shame behind a mean fried chicken recipe and flat worn down shoes that lean a little to the left, because as a big girl, I don't deserve to be as fly as I am...
    
18. <_<
    
19. I have always wondered why I should be ashamed of myself, why I should hide, cry, feel unsatisfied
20. I justify these conversations by saying that this person loves me, they care, so I nod, with my head cocked slightly to the left because I am listening, but it is rare that someone listens to me
21. If they did listen, they would hear me say that I have tried every diet under the sun, binged, exercised, girdled, hidden and tortured my temple for the sake of pleasing others until I realized that it just wasn't going to happen, I was not going to get down to the perfect size 6
1. I need to find the person who determined 6 to be the perfect size so I can slap them
2. I need to find the person who invented the word perfect so I can slap them too
3. I am deleting perfect from my vocabulary…
4. Done
22. If anyone would listen to what I had to say, I would say that at my last doctors appointment I was called a miracle because my blood pressure , cholesterol, sugar levels and whatever else they test came back better than a patient who runs marathons for living
23. I would say that I have bad knees because it is hereditary, and not because of my weight
24. I would say that I don't eat fast food, but drink wheat grass every morning, only started eating meat again after 3 years because my nutritionist said I wasn't getting all the vitamins and nutrients I need to maintain my energy and I drink enough water every day to drown a fish, and yes sometimes that is to mask the random coffee binges I go on, but I drink a lot of water none the less
25. Yes I love sweets and coffee, sue me
26. I am the picture of perfect health in a big girls frame because guess what, God made me this way
27. My size has opened my eyes to more than I can articulate and I'm destined to teach people how to love themselves as they are and to block out these conversations
28. But people don't listen, they are concerned, so they talk, and I listen, fighting with everything I have to block out the negative and let it float past me and not let it wrap itself around me and cover me like a shroud
29. I guess that's why I started talking to myself, justifying my crazy with the fact that I am an artist and this is exactly what I am supposed to do, internalize the ugly, swallow it whole, suck it out of the world so that it can't hurt someone who isn't strong enough to take it and regurgitate all of it back out in the form of something beautiful and let them know, its okay
30. Yeah, I am learning and most of all I am accepting who I am and really learning to like this chick who cuts her own hair, wears the busted pair of ugg boots to work just because she likes the way she walks in them
31. I go off on tangents that have nothing to do with the original conversation and blame it on my A.D.D.
32. When I say something, I mean it because to me, saying something out loud makes it real and is one of the most important acts of faith
33. I like to sit in silence sometimes and just clear my head, allow my thoughts to float free and travel until they settle down
34. I heard a poem last night that reminded me of how much I miss the 80’s. The days when people actually talked to each other and didn’t rely on text messages or emails to relay life changing messages. When kids had to go outside and play because watching that bouncing ball on Atari was only fun for so long. I miss the days of me being the family’s personal answering machine because we didn’t have an electronic one. When we would eat dinner together and sit down together to watch the Cosby show and a different world, when kids read actually books instead of electronic copies on little devices. When earphones were not worn as frequently as earrings. I miss those days, when people came together and face to face conversations weren’t a rarity that was to be treasured.
35. Blast technology. BLAST I say!
36. I am adding Blast to my list of words I like
    
37. I prefer to start writing my novels by hand before I start typing
1. That is how Maya Angelou wrote all of her books, every last one of them, and then she hands her handwritten pages over to someone to type them up for her
2. If we don’t leave a paper trail, our history would be lost. In a few years, everything will be electronic and we won’t even need museums and libraries any more because we will just be able to see what we need from the comforts of our own living rooms…
3. We are becoming hermits and don’t even realize it
4. There is a reason it feels so good to be outside and laughing and joking with real life human beings
5. Think about it.
38. I love God, like with an intensity that I can feel, physically, that makes me always want to be around Him and hide when I don’t act right.
1. I’ve been hiding a lot lately
2. Except, He can totally see me, so its not really hiding at all
3. Come back to me…
   
4. I hear you Jesus
39. I can’t stand it when people try to act a certain way in front of me because they know how much I love God, or that I am a published author, or a Delta, or whatever other things people want to attach to me that they feel should make me behave differently than I actually do.
    
1. If you knew me...
   
2. Just be yourself, and stop placing me in boxes.
40. A lot of times I feel invisible. But it is in those moments that I do my best work, so I have learned to embrace it
41. I love that art has no rules…
42. I saw a 17 year old girl last night who’s poetry nearly knocked me over…the fact that art was pouring out of her life was my motivation to shake off this self pity and get back to me. God is giving me a gift of life, time and freedom. I am at a fork in the road and I chose to go left, yield to the destiny God has designed and embrace that I am an artist and it is the gifts and talents and artistry that establish my place in the world. It will be my livelihood, enable me to send my brothers and kids to college, it will allow me to travel and inspire and smile because yes, I am actually satisfied with my life and fully acknowledge what a blessing it is to be able to do what you love, I am ready… and speaking these words because like I said, this is my act of faith.
43. It shall come to pass
44. This is just me…
45. “Love it, or leave it alone.” Alicia Keys

Posted by Brandelyn at 10:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

List #9 Feelin’ some kind of way

1. “I don’t know. I’m so tired and evil I don’t seem to be able to think straight.” JB
2. My eyes opened at 5am and i couldn’t go back to sleep. All I wanted to do was read. I wish I could swing reading at this same time every day. It was perfectly silent, no distractions and the words seemed to melt into me so much so that every few seconds I had to put the book down.
3. I wanted to throw it, but didn’t want to get out of my warm bed to retrieve it. #lazymoment
4. Yesterday I felt like crying because the day was going to bad and there was nothing I could do about it
5. I decided to reach out for help
6. Help:
1. “I’m A little sad

I’m a little happy

And mixed emotions weigh more

Than the sum of their parts

So right now, don’t tell me to lighten up

1. Haiku

Don’t know what to say

Poet at a loss for words

I’ll use tears instead

                  c. Thank you Alise. Your words helped me make it yesterday

1. I have been slipping lately. So burdened down by responsibility that I can’t actually accomplish anything.
2. overwhelmed
3. overextended
4. over it
5. My feelings got really hurt yesterday. Someone I thought was a friend, someone I used to be extremely close to, someone that I share a past with completely cut me out of their life and I honestly have no idea why. I’m not angry. Just hurt. And this person is the definition of passive aggressive so I know I will never get an explanation of what happened.
6. Definition of growth: Instead of dwelling in the loss of someone who wasn’t meant to be in my life anyway, I am focusing on the people that I know love me and are down for me through it all.
7. Relationships end. We have to deal with it, acknowledge that fact that it hurts, and then move on.
8. Lacing up track shoes. I gotta get out of here.
9. Today I decided to spend the day with James Baldwin and Jill Scott
10. For some reason, maybe because I have been so open, so emotional, so aware of how I’m feeling, Jill was really speaking to me. She was grinding out a place in the core of me and just sitting there, Indian style, blowing smoke and clouding my thoughts.
11. I never noticed her follow through on notes. She carries a note until the bitter end before she attacks the next one. I wonder if that woman knows how powerful and important she is. #musicsaveslives
12. I met Jill twice. Well I met her once, and saw her again. The first time we met she kept telling me how much we looked alike and how we could be sisters because we favor each other so much.
1. I didn’t know how to take that at the time. Jill Scott is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever seen and I was never able to see myself that way.
2. Now I understand that it was our spirits that were kindred. I promise you we are related somehow
3. When I saw her the second time it was weeks later at her book signing and she remembered my name. The people in line thought I was her for a second which is slightly stupid, but it made me feel good. Then she remembered my name. I don’t get star struck ever, but I really want her to adopt me. Serious.
13. My 04 inspired me at 5:15 this morning when I checked my facebook.
14. I now know what to do for my next novel.
15. I want to be raw. Open. Exposed. Naked. Free. Exploratory. Fresh.
16. The next book will not be about love. It will be about the self.
1. Discovery
2. Exploration
3. Feelings
4. Emotions
5. Poetry
6. Art
7. Journals
8. Life
17. I’m excited
18. This is not like me and I’m scared and uncomfortable but so ready to conquer this beast.
19. I’ve been separated from everyone. It has been beautiful because I don’t feel like I have a floating device to latch on to. I have to just swim for myself and see where I wind up
20. The exercise is making me stronger. And happier. And freer. I’m starting to see a pattern
21. My brother sent me a text today and I realized how much I miss him. But how much I need to be on this island of Brandelyn. I’m not waiting for a rescue ship, I’m simply content here alone. I know how to get back when I’m ready. But its nice to know I’m being thought about.
22. I’m thinking about something I posted yesterday about my need to be held for a long time. The funny thing is that I’d probably shrink away from it and end it before I got what I needed. I don’t know how to be still and be held and be taken care of.
23. I’m going to be an amazing wife and mother. If I decide that that is what I want to do.
24. Still on the fence with that one.
25. “Now remember that. If the world wasn’t so full of dead folks. Maybe those of us that’s trying to live wouldn’t have to suffer so bad.” JB
26. I choose to live my life. I won’t be amongst the living dead. Burdened down. Confused. Suppressed. Good, bad or Ugly, I’m choosing to live.
27. I see my freedom poking its head out like the horizon. All I have to do is be patient and wait for the light to hit me.

Posted by Brandelyn at 05:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

1. Proceed with caution although it is probably best if you just stop altogether because you honestly have no idea what you are getting yourself in to, you have been warned.
2. My heart has more surveillance and protection than the Faberge  egg and even when you think you gotten close enough to touch it the invisible electric field surrounding will shock you enough to read the signs, 'look but don’t touch.'
3. I am complex.
4. Long winded
5. frustrating
6. Moody
7. Hypersensitive
8. An artist in every good bad and ugly sense of the word
9.  I’m sure you have heard this a lot from women who are trying to present themselves as having some shallow and misty air of mystery but with me it goes without saying. But since a lot of people don’t pay attention to the details, I figured I should just say it out loud one time
10. Take a moment and think about what drew you in, in the first place.
11. I explain myself through poetry, work out my issues in the pages of the journal that i painted myself because i had to have a place to keep my thoughts that is a colorful and special as i am.
12. I sing the entire Jill Scott catalogue as a way of easing my pain and I laugh until I cry over the silliest thing, just because it feels so damn good.
13. I recognize my power although you will never hear me admit it out loud.
14.  I see it.
15. I know you see it too.
16. However I will silently swallow back the knowledge and watch you wonder why you want me around you the way you do.
17. I like to collect my thoughts in the net of my pen, watch them flutter around the page until they settle, waiting for me to release them like caged butterflies when the time is right.
18. I am thirsty for conversation that is not shallow, or laced with sexual undertones, or about church or that are weighed down with a need to impress me because you know that I am a writer, and a poet and you always feel the need to say something profound, when in all honesty I am probably thinking about that episode of Glee or Modern Family that had me cracking up last week and then our interactions just melts into something uninteresting and fake.
19. I am aching to be held, for a long time, just for the sheer desire to make ME feel better by someone who wants to be close to ME. The real me. The slight irrational, moody, emotionally suppressed, laughing, crying, writing, dreaming, ME.
20. I want to be selfish and not feel bad about it.
21. I want to slide into my moody broody place and be comfortable there without making calls or sending emails letting people know I will be gone.
22. I want to stop caring so much.
23. “I’ve told you, you always seem to get involved with impossible women-whores, nymphomaniacs, drunks-and I think you do it in order to protect yourself-from anything serious. Permanent.”
1. “I’ve told you, Brandelyn, you always get involved with impossible men-sexually confused, attached, complicated, long distance, whores, controlling, insecure, drunks-and I think you do it in order to protect yourself-from anything serious. Permanent.”
2. James Baldwin scares me and inspires me at the same time.
24. I am realizing that my Christianity and my Relationship with God are two separate things.
25. There was a time, not so long ago when I would have been deathly afraid to say that, to type that, to post that on my blog for everyone to see.
26. It’s not like you are hot then cold. You remain steadily warm like a fever that isn’t quite dangerous, but keeps you home for the day. You whisper to me, but I hear you loud a clear. Screaming and dancing your wishes into the air that surrounds us and I catch them, hold them in my hands and blow on them until they cool fresh in my ear I hear you deep into the night slipping into sleep with the sensation of your breath snaking its way down my back
27. All I want to do today is sit outside and read until I get too sleepy to continue
28. I am no longer available for flirtation. Say what you want, use real words with real feelings behind them and then and only then can we move forward. Thank you and good day.
    
29. “It's 7 o'clock in the a.m.
    In 15 minutes this alarm will be ringing
    At work,no one will feel my pain
    It's a shame the way this whole thing changed”
30. I feel you Jill. Oh how do I feel you.

Posted by Brandelyn at 03:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

List #7 Emotional Hangover

1. Today is a day to sit outside and watch the sun play in the leaves. For open windows, a random mix of music, heavy on guitar strings and lyrical content and that clean house good feeling.
2. “If you want to challenge yourself as a writer, you have to challenge yourself as a reader.” –Me
1. I am working my way through the yellowed and brittle pages of ‘Another Country’ by James Baldwin.
2. I was right in my assumption that this book would make me uncomfortable, but I welcome the feeling
3. I’ve been so comfortable lately that I have become numb. Numb to my feelings, numb to my thoughts, numb to my gifts. I have been painting, writing, singing, dancing, with absolutely no feeling. Forcing myself mechanically to live.
1. I wonder if I would be better off wearing all black and sitting in the corner some where.
2. Shout out to the God in me that just won’t let that happen…
4. I’m confused by our conversation yesterday. Confused yet, somehow liberated
1. Confused: I wonder when I will learn my lesson. When will I heed the warning signs before I fall into the ditch? When will I allow myself the moment to acknowledge that I deserve more before the realization slaps me across the face? I don’t want to smile because of him, but it is inevitable with our interactions….
2. Liberated: I was a woman about my situation. I got the answers to my questions. I am free from the weight of guessing. Now I can move forward. Free.
5. I think he underestimates me because I am sweet. I personally find that to be hilarious. If he only knew. Sadly, he never truly will.
6. I think he is trying to find an emotional connection that just can’t be. I don’t do complicated. I deserve better than complicated.
7. I am complicated enough as it is… no thank you.
8. I’m glad the sun came out this morning. It’s not warm, but its bright.
9. I like bright.
10. I need bright.
11. Something about bright makes me remember that its okay and I am supposed to: Live.
12. I made a very calm and rational decision yesterday to stop eating meat again.
1. Yes, it would a lot easier to continue eating meat and having a lot more options, but I feel the need to challenge myself.
2. I got a glowing Doctor’s report a few weeks ago and that is due solely to my diet. It sho’ ain’t from working out.
13. I need to practice more discipline.
14. Get my steps back in order. I have been off track. Just in general.
15. Pushing myself, challenging myself, creating a space of discipline…*my secret hope is that all of this will push me back into working on my novel.
16. See I told you that it wasn’t always that deep.
17. We are in two different worlds. On two separate paths, discovering, touching, exploring, learning different things. And that’s ok. I have this strong impulse not to talk to you, which is strange considering that usually we talk every day, but I feel the need to travel alone. It makes it a lot easier because I don’t see you as much, or hardly ever. Which is good. We need to grow.
18. The people I really want to share this journey with, in a way that can’t be expressed with words are far away from me
1. Some physically
2. Most mentally
19. Blood is thicker than water, so I’m not worried. We will cross paths again, and get back to us, but right now this distance is good, healthy.
20. “I allow myself to feel everything I’m feeling.” –Jill Scott
21. “Still with these strange tears threatening to boil over at any moment…” –JB
1. Lonely is heavy. Palpable. Like a wool coat in the summer.
2. But you will be stuck with that burden until you learn to release it, and find solace within yourself. Then allow people into your bubble for enrichment and comfort, but not for sanity.
22. I am learning a lot about me. For example, I like the fact that my nose wrinkles in the middle when I am amused and when I am annoyed.
23. My eyes will always carry the same sparkle, but my nose gives me away. Most people don’t take the time to notice details like that.
24. Having this time and space to be on my own journey has allowed me to see things like that.
25. Medicine for Melancholy spoke to me in an incredibly profound way.
26. Perceptions: I’ve been thinking about these a lot lately. When I look at myself, I see a work in progress. I see someone who has a lot of potential, but hasn’t fully tapped in to it yet.
1. I am not impressed with the fact that I have written 3 books. I look at my babies and get excited, but I realize that I have more work to do. A lot more.
2. If you really knew me, you would know that I prefer doing my work in the background. Behind the scenes. I always wince at the spotlight and try to cover my eyes. I wonder if I will ever get comfortable there.
3. I get extremely nervous in front of a crowd. Most times I can suck it up. Sometimes I can’t. I am a human.
27. I wonder if the time will come when I feel good enough
28. I hope not. I always want to expect more. Strive to achieve more. Want to be more. Stay hungry and grow.
29. The last time I felt free was that summer of my dreams. That grant would be amazing to get. Even if I have to wait a year.
30. God is amazing.
31. I am happy today. Content. Warm.
32. Possibilities give me hope. Get me excited. Its not even really about the actual event happening, its about the possibility of it happening. *makes sense to me.
33. “I’ve got so little time left, Lord, don’t let me lose it all.” JB
34. Yeah.

Posted by Brandelyn at 02:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

A List: Totally inspired by an exchange with Mr. Washington

1. Its 7:45 on a Monday night and I’m warm.
2. My mind is full of thoughts but mostly daydreams. Possibilities. Unfulfilled fantasies and thoughts that make me smile. And think.
3. I realized that everyday for just one minute, for an entire 60 seconds, I believe that each thought in my head is real and I will find that place where I am free happy and content.
4. I have been searching for something lately. I pause every now and then, wrapping myself up in the words, the poetry, the melody of anyone who seems to be searching for the same thing and stumbled upon a moment of clarity I haven’t been able to touch yet, so I sit in their words, their poems, their paintings, their moves and allow their clarity to sprinkle over me like a clue on the map leading to the buried treasure.
1. I don’t even know what to call it
2. Its not love, I have plenty of that. Tons of it even, whether I acknowledge it or not, its there. So no, its not a quest for love that I am on
3. Its not peace. I have peace. I feel it every time I am walking through Oakland and I am looking up at the clouds and the sky and the breeze touches my face and runs its fingers through my hair and all I can possibly do is feel alive, yeah, I know what peace feels like and I have enough of it to hold it in my pocket and let my fingers play with it on a rainy day
5. I am not always content. I am not always settled and comfortable. I am very impulsive. Mentally packing as we speak…ready to pick up and leave, but my maturity and faith is telling me to be patient and wait. But why do I feel like I’m not living? Merely existing for the sake of stability.
6. My soul has always been free. Constantly wandering, wondering what I am missing outside when I am in, inside when I am out
7. I really can’t say that the grass is always greener cause I don’t even like grass, or the color green for that matter
8. What is this thing that make my mind dream and makes my pen stretch out for dear life
9. Right now I feel totally free. Laying on my living room floor, unaware of anything other than this moment
10. I adore being abstract
1. For so long I lived a ridiculously structured life
2. Planned, careful, steady
11. Joshua gave me a challenge tonight. Raw, naked, honesty, that pokes holes in these words I constantly try to hide behind
12. I accept
13. I never really understood that I was free to be honest and raw with my words because I am a Christian. I believe in God, I have a relationship with God. Its real and important to me and so are His Promises, but I was also told that because of this belief I have to behave a certain way, look a certain way and be a certain way, and only now am I discovering who I am, in God. Honestly and truly appreciating the woman He has called me to be with all of my big wild red hair, loud laugh, and bright colors. I am starting to break free from expectation and discover
14. I’m original. Fresh. Unique. AND I love Jesus. I think that’s awesome
15. I am content and creative with how I phrase things
16. I am a thinker who finds herself to be rather lovely in her authenticity. Anxious to get my thoughts out onto the page, even if my handwriting has to suffer for it. I can’t apologize
17. I feel new now
18. I miss conversations with people who knew that Hurston and Wright were literary enemies and the Harlem Renaissance consisted of so much more than the brilliance of Langston Hughes and that the Color Purple was a book before it was a movie
1. and that The Color Purple was not Alice Walker’s first book
2. The Third Life of Grange Copeland was her first novel and is absolutely my favorite book of all time.
3. That means something to me
4. Alice Walker Means something to me
5. I hope I get the change to tell her that
6. Wait…Alice Walker has a copy of my book… DANG.
7. I have a book, 3 actually, and Alice Walker owns a copy of it. *Pause
19. Pop Culture doesn’t interest me, but I am huge fan of Glee
20. I think about the end, instead of the present and the future. I think about my legacy. All the time
21. I miss running and trying to chase the sun in a field of grass as it floated above me playing hide and seek with the clouds
22. I am ashamed of my innocence. Ashamed of the version (virgin) I display now. Begging to be the bad girl that torments me in my dreams. She peeks and waves at me from behind smoky eyes, hair shaved, head cocked to the side. I look at here and see no boundaries and wonder what that feels like. To dance through life like a ballerina on point.
23. I dream of him almost every night now. Mostly because his evening ends with my voice on his phone and mine ends with a smile.
1. Poetry break: Loving you
   Is like taking a tight bra off
   At the end of a long day.
   I cant explain it
   But it feels good
2. Haiku#21
   Overacting
   Is simply part of my charm
   It makes me love hard
24. This is probably the most honest I’ve been with myself in a long time.
1. Evidence of my growth is the simple fact that I am even posting this
2. My journal doesn’t seem big enough to contain my dreams anymore
25. Why?
26. Me. I’m really starting to like her

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