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October 19, 2011

They Came to Stay Foreword by Maya Angelou

I found a book in the art room at my job that used to live on my Grandmother's coffee table. The mere site of the book transported me back to my childhood and it was a welcomed feeling. Everything about this piece spoke to me. I am standing just a bit taller after reading this.


They Came to Stay
I Dream a World Foreword by Maya Angelou

I
am a black woman
tall as a cypress
strong
beyond all definition still
defying place
and time
and circumstances
assailed
impervious
indestructible
Look
on me and be
renewed

-from “I Am a Black Woman,”
Mari Evans

Black women whose ancestors were brought to the United States beginning in 1619 have lived through conditions of cruelties so horrible, so bizarre, the women had to re-invent themselves. They had to find safety and sanctity inside themselves or they would not have been able to tolerate those tortuous lives. They had to learn to be self-forgiving quickly, for often their exterior exploits were at odds with their interior beliefs. Still they had to survive wholly and healthily as possible in an infectious and sick climate.

Lives lived in such cauldrons are either obliterated or forged into impenetrable alloys. Thus, early on and consciously, Black women as reality became possibilities only to themselves. To others they were mostly seen and described in the abstract, concrete in their labor but surreal in their humanness.

They knew the burden of feminine sensibilities suffocated by masculine responsibilities.

They wrestled with the inescapable horror of bearing pregnancies which could only result in issuing more chattels into the rapacious maw of slavery.

They knew the grief of enforced separations from mates who were not theirs to claim, for the men themselves did not have legal possession of their own bodies.

And men, whose sole crime was their hue,
the impress of their Maker’s hand,
and frail and shrinking children too
were gather in that mournful band.

-from The Slave Auction,
Frances Ellen Watkins Harper

The larger society, observing the women’s outrageous persistence in holding on, staying alive, thought it had no choice save to dissolve the perversity of the Black Woman’s life into a fabulous fiction of multiple personalities. They were seen as acquiescent, submissive Aunt Jemimas who showed grinning faces, plump laps, fat embracing arms, and brown jaws pouched in laughter. They were described as leering buxom wenches with round heels, open thighs, and insatiable sexual appetites. They were accused of being marauding matriarchs of stern demeanor, battering hands, unforgiving gazes and castrating behavior.

When we imagine women inhabited by all those apparitions, it becomes obvious that the women themselves did not hallucinate, but rather that they were national, racial, and historical hallucinations. Those contradictions stump even the most fertile imagination, for they could not have existed despite the romantic racism which introduced them into the American psyche. Surprisingly, above all, many women did survive as themselves. In this book we meet them, undeniably strong, unapologetically direct.

The photographer, Brian Lanker, possesses an acute eye and a brave heart. He has discovered women whose images show us the high cost of living and the rich reward of thriving. Lanker intends to capture the viewer with the twin magic of his camera and the women’s faces. These women regard us, understand us, gaze through us into a beyond, alien to our most common view. Each seems to know something we have not known. The sameness of their gaze informs us that they will not be removed, that indeed although they are shaken, bruised, and uprooted, they are determined to remain.

This foreword does not mean to be an explanation of the Black woman’s stamina. Rather, it is a salute to her as an outstanding representative of the human race. Here, in this book, educators, athletes, dancers, judges, politicians, artists, actresses, writers, singers, poets and social activists dare to look at life with humor, determination and respect. Their visages do not entertain hypocrisy. To those who would desire chicanery, they honesty of these women is terrifying.

The heartbreaking tenderness of Black women and their majestic strength speak of the heroic survival of a people who were stolen into subjugation, denied chastity, and refused innocence.

These women have descended from grandmothers and great-grandmothers who knew the lash first hand, and to whom protection was a phantom known of but seldom experienced. Their faces are captured here for the ages to regard and wonder, but they are whole women. Their hands have brought children through blood to life, nursed the sick, and folded the winding cloths. Their wombs have held the promise of a race which has proven in each challenging century that despite threat and mayhem it has come to stay. Their feet have trod the shifting swampland of insecurity, yet they have tried to step neatly onto the footprints of mothers who went before. They are not apparitions; they are not superwomen. Despite their majestic struggle they are no larger than life. Their humanness is evident in their accessibility. We are able to enter the photographs and enter into the spirit of these women and rejoice in their courage and nearness.

Precious jewels all. Thanks to their persistence, art, sublime laughter and love we may all yet survive our grotesque history.


~Maya Angelou

May 19, 2011

Love is a growing Up

 

["Usually there's a deeper truth submerged inside, often imprisoned by his most constant enemy-himself. That truth, for better or for worse, is sometimes most difficult to find. So few of us manage even to know ourselves during a lifetime. Shifting from course to course we search for a hunger to keep us moving, frightened of whatever it is that keeps us so unsure of ourselves. Finally we fall exhausted, entangled in a bed of remarkable excuses from which we are unable to extricate ourselves."] ~Gordon Parks

 

I've been told that life is about the high highs and low lows. As an artist, it is my job to capture those moments, and all of the moments in between, and preserve them as gifts to share with like /open/artistically minded people who want to know that they are not alone. That these feelings of doubt, hurt, fear, questions, rage, empathy, over-the-moon elation are not new concepts. That they are valid. Real. And worthy of acknowledgment, just like the art inside of us.

[“Perhaps it was while I was alone and half drunk on the windswept deck that I first sensed myself gradually changing clothes for another kind of life.”]

I have found art to be very strategic. It lies in wait, like a cat ready to pounce, jumping at you and changing your life at the exact right moment you need it. Just under a year ago, I found myself walking through Barnes and Noble, checking to see if my books were on the shelves and smiling when I saw them there, taking a moment to soak it all in. I am a history buff and an absolute lover of memoirs and soon found my way into the section, happening upon “To Smile In Autumn” by Gordon Parks. I have seen lots of his work, but did not know much about the man, the journey, the legacy. The presence of celebrity and fame has never interested me; I always want to hear about the path. Find the answers to the questions; How did you get to this place? What struggles did you encounter? How did you escape them? Did you escape them? How does your art reflect your story? How does art reflect you, the person behind the artistry?  The mystery behind the man on the cover spoke to me so without reading the description, I purchased the book, took it home and set it on the shelf where it rested until last week.

[“I had returned an unlikely loner still driving failure from my dreams, still being pulled by something up ahead- something hinted there was more luck in store, but that first I would have to pay for it.”]

As I examined the book in my hand, I realized that I am on a desperate search for comfort. For a common knowledge and understanding in knowing that the emotional and physical trials I encounter for my art are not in vain. That my sanity indeed has a price tag dangling from it and it’s up to me to maintain the value. That the blood I donate in each piece I create will supply life to the audience. That my voice is important and necessary. That this, all of this has a purpose. While sitting on the floor in my bedroom as I have taken to doing lately, I glanced up and saw the book, forgetting that it was there. I picked it up, read the back and was drawn in by one line. “It was not always an easy journey, but by age thirty-six he had overcome many obstacles to be a well-known photographer and writer for Life magazine.” I opened the first page and was captured instantly.

["Eventually I was an island unto myself, stretched taut over the dream that was now fulfilling itself. No more ill-cut Harlem suits; no more barbeque joints; no more warm black laughter. Only an inexplicable loneliness."]

I am weeks away from publishing a new book and this time around, for some reason, there is more fear, doubt, worry, than excitement about this new project. During this process, I have had to reevaluate why I do this. Why do I pour myself out onto the page, flawed and all for people to critique, judge, examine, love, hate? Why do I continue to produce hoping to… to what? That is the question. I am proud of my work. Proud of this new collection of everything I am, but something is holding me back…For so much of my day, every day, I feel invisible. A nameless, faceless presence that fulfills tasks, answers in the affirmative, reflects light in darkness, but is never actually… seen. The art is appreciated, but rarely are the real raw feelings that were necessary to create the art acknowledged. The poem you read about hearts being broken, came from a broken heart. From pain, and rage, and tears and laughter and contentment and peace. I am a human. Who bleeds and cries and melts into hugs and folds herself into smiles. I am emotional and moody, and I believe that I am so aware of all of this because I am spend so much of my every day being…invisible.

[“Foreigner to myself...”]

So many times, I have wanted to reach out to the people in my circle. The people who understand me without any explanation, jokes or fanfare. The ones who would listen through my ramblings, frustrations and tears and understand, but I feel like I have said these words before. I feel like these words have become worn down and ragged from exposure, leaving nothing but holes and broken thoughts. I can't articulate the why, the how, the who, the what, it just is. I just feel. It’s rather simple, but I don’t know what to say. So instead of trying to force the feelings away with a joke, or funny anecdote, I choose to sit with them, feel all of them, and know without a doubt that it is temporary. Painful, heavy, confusing, but necessary.

[“Even during the worst times there was always a feeling of promise deep inside me-a feeling to either grab at or let fall away. Such feelings seemed trivial then, but now I realize how important they were to my reaching out for whatever I would eventually become.”]

I have stopped trying not to be melancholy, learning to allow it. Stopped trying to avoid these questions, understanding that it is better to simply face them and learn, grow, stretch, reach. Each tug at my soul is valid, and scary, and exciting, and everything I’m feeling will be worth going through the trip if I can force myself past the emotions and create it out.

["My lack of education had also helped perpetuate the fear, and perhaps that is why i eventually tried so many different things to stay alive. If one failed there would always be something else to fall back on. I imagined all the possible nightmares I might have, and I thought up ways to escape them. If I went blind I could still play the piano well enough to make a living. If I lost my leg I could still compose music or even take pictures. Nothing was overlooked.”]

This book is right on time, exactly what I need in this moment. Validation that what I am experiencing is not new. People I respect and admire and whose careers I dream of, traveled down their respective paths, but were met with similar branches causing familiar cuts and bruises on their faces, chests, arms, legs. These feelings will produce scars that will become my badge of honor. Reminding me of the courage it takes to live out your art. Live out your dream. [I am] Living out my dream.

[“…but loneliness, I knew, was a small price to pay.]

Loneliness, fear, anxiety, all of it, is a small price to pay. I understand without a doubt, that no matter what I am feeling, and forever how long I am feeling it, nothing is going to be big enough to stop me from creating. Even when I try, somehow, someway, my pen begins to move again, my mind begins to create again and after a few pages, a few stanzas, a few lines, all is right in my world. These feelings mean that I am vulnerable. That I am open to the possibilities and sensitive enough to reshape and create. I am where I’m supposed to be. I am feeling how I am supposed to feel. James Baldwin said that “Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.” Love [art], is a growing up, but in the end, the pain is always worth it.

 

March 18, 2011

Always be True: The Remix

*Excerpt from the upcoming Poetry Project: dreams are not concerned (Spring 2011)

 

Always Be True

 “I know who I am and I am always me, although I can be really intense at times …Sometimes I’m a sullen girl, disillusioned with the world’s backwardness, angry at the wrongs, can’t get pen and paper in my hands quick enough. Sometimes I’m thoughtful, calling my loved ones to pour out why I appreciate them, singing my thanks. Sometimes I’m shy, painfully transparent, sharp at times, at others silly. I am one intense adjective at a time, and while I’m there, I don’t resist those feelings. I rest in those moments. I try to taste them, wrap myself in them as hard as I can. I call it freedom, and I suppose if I wasn’t the way I am, I wouldn’t have the careers I do. Maybe I’m nuts (probably), but I notice that when I fight myself, suck myself in, I lose all the stuff, the fruit, the core of me that I enjoy the most.” 

~Jill Scott

Sometimes I am complicated, unable to accurately articulate the reason for the tears, the laughter, the attitude, the quiet. Sometimes I want to be silent in my feelings. Acknowledging each emotion as it comes, allowing each one to pass by as slowly as a rolling cloud, giving them a perfect space to breathe. Sometimes I get emotional over moments that most allow to pass by without thought; the sight of my brother dancing in my living room; the perfect moment of sitting down in the quiet of a genuine conversation; the crisp crackle of the cover opening on a brand new book. I live for these moments, sometimes.

I am a giant contradiction: Loving attention while fearing it. Traveling on a constant quest for human contact all the while thirsting for solitude. Choosing books over movies, live shows over iPods, thrift stores over major chains, I live for originality.

I am classic, yet evolving; comfortable, yet unsettled in my intensity. I choose love. Always. I tried, fell, slipped, tripped, landed into my own arms, melted into my own embrace, resting safely in the first place I could find that was simply enough to carry the weight of all that I am, all that is me; finally I understand how important it is and what it truly means to fall in love, all over again.

I choose to enjoy the days that bring life, the light moments, the bright moments. The truth that lies in between the dark moments, I can breathe there. Be there, observe who I choose to believe there; I am liberated in the comfort of my own skin. Complete. Comfortable. Aware. I choose to grow here, constantly show, improve and believe here, respecting the contradictions, remembering that I need to believe in who I am and who I was meant to be.

February 10, 2011

Well

I haven't posted in quite some time.

Work is kicking my butt.

Asthma is kicking my butt.

My new book is kicking my butt.

 

But those are not excuses. Life is becoming so real over the last few weeks and I have been concentrating on embracing it. I have decided not to write any new projects for a year. Yep. I said it. 2011 is a writing free zone for me. I want to take some time to live. Breathe. Allow life to touch my face and let me feel it. i want to collect stories, burn holes in my journal, enjoy the immense pleasure of opening my mailbox and simply finding a letter that is handwritten by someone who took the time to think about me. 

Pleasure. 

So i apologize faithful blog readers. Your support means the world to me. Please know that. I will check in. Take moments to breathe and feel... life. 

Yes. 

I love you all. I will be back soon. 

 

Peace Y'all

B

December 24, 2010

Untitled: Preperation

Simple thoughts of the moments in between the quiet, silent, screaming, revelries of the answers before the test, the clues before the questions, the honesty before the doubt, the kisses... the kisses... the kisses that ignite, light, darken, insight, twist, turn, birth, create, shout that the time has come...prepare, seek, eliminate the fear, the thoughts that scare me with their frequency, fluidity, force that allows the truth to play hide and seek there between the words that mean so much to my own... I'm asking the silence to guide me into the stillness where my mind can rest, reset, reevaluate and my lips can smile, and bend until they are no longer numb to the sensation of your simple, timid, gentle, butterfly kiss...

December 23, 2010

Just....

Music... 

Don't Let Me Down Lyrics by Amel Larrieux

I watch your lips moving
I see the words taking shape
But love's like a language
I cannot translate
I can't afford to be careless
And let you in
I turn my head for one minute
And lose everything

Wish I had someone whom I could lean
Cause everybody's always counting on me
With my hands held real tight
Always ready to fight
For the few pieces of joy I have now
You have turned on a light
And I've lost my sight
But my heart still remembers the sound
Of a dream of a love one day found
Of a dream of a love one day found
So don't let me down

Your past it may be rocky
But your present is clear
My present situation
Is the sum of all my fears
I take responsibility for the few things I done right
But I got so much on my plate
I'm scared to take another bite
Wish I had someone on whom I could lean
Still I don't want no one's charity

With my hands held real tight
Always ready to fight
For the few pieces of joy I have now
You have turned on a light
And I've lost my sight
But my heart still remembers the sound
Of a dream of a love one day found

Heartbreak and bullets can try
To steal any good from my life
Fathers and lovers have lied
Rivers have flowed from my eyes
Never seen love face to face
Just seen it walking away
Why would you think I would recognize
Something that's never been mine

You have turned on a light
And I've lost my sight
But my heart still remembers the sound
Of a dream of a love one day found
You're the dream of a love one day found
And the freedom from what kept me bound
And a promise of staying around
My eyes may not work for me now
But my heart sure remembers the sound
So if you saying it
Please say it loud
And don't let me down

 

 

November 16, 2010

Happy Things

 

Last week I found myself in Holyoke, MA for a conference for my job. The trip was interesting to say the least, but instead of dwelling on the shenanigans that happened, (yes, racism is still alive and well in the country, no Brandelyn is not made to live in extreme cold, and no I will probably never go back to Holyoke again) I will instead focus on the positive outcomes that came from the trip.

 

The biggest and most important thing is that I have fallen back in love with the Bay Area. I can’t really say that I fell out of love, but I got comfortable, complacent and bored. I stopped appreciating the freedom that I have here. I can be my size, my color, have my hair be as big and as loud as it wants to be and all I get for it are nods of acknowledgement on the street from strangers and marriage requests from various cab drivers and homeless men on the street. I can be free and me and I love that about the Bay.

 

I have been really happy ever since I came home. My eyes have been reopened to all of the positive things going on around me and to me and, even though I usually do this in my Gratitude Journal, I would like to share my Gratitude list with you all today. =D

 

I am grateful for:

 

1. My book signing tonight. I am participating in a local fundraiser for my job and I was asked to participate as a Community Author. I already have 5 books pre ordered and a lot of excitement about the event. This makes me very happy.

 

2. The fact that it is 78 degrees outside. After nearly freezing to death, the fact that the sun is out, the sky is perfectly blue, and there are sounds of kids playing outside my office brings so much peace to my life. I now know for a fact that Brandelyn and arctic weather are not a good mix. Thank you and Go Bears

 

3. This Tea my coworker just gave me. Coconut Chai Black Tea with Cinnamon, Ginger and Island Coconut = Heaven. Now before I get a side eye from my mother who knows how much I dislike the taste of coconut I should say that this tea tastes more like ginger and cinnamon than coconut, but it is amazing. And it is a black tea so it is waking me up and giving my life. I may have to say so long to coffee and get on the healthy train. We shall see.

 

4. The fact that I'm going to see my brother in a little bit. I really love that he works at my job now. It is amazing how getting hugs from some who genuinely loves you every day can boost your moral.

 

5. My girl Alise’s blog. This woman is not only ridiculously hilarious, but she is also a phenomenal poet. I check in on her blog during the day, and I always find something that makes me smile, shake my head in judgment, or literally laugh out loud. It really doesn’t get much better. Check out her blog, and my I suggest Smurfgate? This had me in tears.

 

 

6. I am grateful to be an artist, poet, and writer. I am so grateful that God has given me gifts that are therapeutic and allow me to escape the world around me and just breathe. I am excited about my upcoming project and all of the projects that will come in the future. I am excited to be challenged and stretched as an artist and I look forward to seeing where I wind up.  

 

I’m glad that I went to Massachusetts and that I went through what I went through there. I’m glad that I am able to see and appreciate the world around me all the more because of that trip. Everything happens for a reason and if we take a moment to pause and look at the big picture, instead of what’s right in front of us, we may be able to find the beauty in this thing we call life.

 

Peace Y’all

B

November 05, 2010

Simplify

 

 

Last night, my best friend, who is in town for work, came to my house to spend the night and subsequently help me get my life in order. We sat down for our usual pow-wow and I began filling her in on how I have been spending my days. I gave her a day by day break down of my life and she gave me the straightest face I have ever seen.

 

Please see below:

 

 .

 

Right. That's all I'm saying. But her look was justified, I can definitely give her that. 

 

To give you an idea of why she went Samuel L. on me, here is a sample of my life and activities:

Full Time Job

Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated (which more times than not is my sanity in the storm)

Hosting a bi-weekly Bible study at my house

Editing a Memoir

Ghost Writing a book

Putting the final touches on my own project *details coming very soon

Mentoring the Children

Singing on the Praise Team at church

Singing in the Choir at Church

 

 

Needless to say, my life is beyond packed. The other night I sat down on the couch and woke up to the sound of water spilling from the cup I had in my hand because I had literally passed out. You would think that this would be enough of an indicator that I had a problem, but I simply threw a towel on the floor, made my way to my bed and passed out there. The next day, I wore myself out again and kept it pushing. I have resorted to drinking massive amounts of Coffee, not for taste or pleasure, but for survival. I have now gotten to a point where my day cannot start until I have had my coffee. When did I become THAT girl?

 

I realize that I must actually be allergic or afraid of down time. I don’t know how to slow down, take a break; relax. Everything needs to be scheduled in, calculated, planned down to the tee because as you can see, I don’t have time to waste. Every single moment is accounted for and I have this incessant need to be DOING something. I love being busy, focused, it helps me be productive and handle my business. But my best friend had a great point, being busy is perfectly fine, but being overwhelmed and passing out on the moment I stop for more than five seconds is a red flag and I need to slow down. I think they have a word for it…what is that? Oh yeah, vacation.

 

The theme of the school year at my job is Simplicity and I am now conscious that I need to find this and practice this in my own life. I am definitely a woman of my word and I am committed to my current activities for the duration of the school year but I am going to practice what I preach and not take on any more commitments until at least January. I am going to get some things off of my plate and clear my space a bit. It is okay for me to back down and relax. I can do this. I can simplify. The first step is acknowledgement right?

 

Peace Y’all!
B

 

October 15, 2010

4 Page Letter

I'm not sure if I told you all about the mini revolution I've started, but I am actually really excited about it. A few months ago, my dear, dear friends Jill and Alex took me to the African American Museum in Exposition park.

PAUSE: Let me just take a moment to say something about Exposition Park... Whoever came up with the concept for this "park" is a GENIUS!!! For the mere cost of 8 dollars for parking, patrons get access to 5 museums, an IMAX Theatre (for an additional fee, but still very fly), a rose garden, a butterfly garden and hours and hours of trash talking about the U$C campus and now empty football stadium (haha)  if you are anti-U$C as I am. Go Bears. There are also plenty of vendors around for all of your thirst, ice cream and hamburger needs and with the Southern California sunshine, there are plenty of photo ops throughout the day. I mean, really, you can't go wrong!!

AND WE'RE BACK: So we went to Exposition Park and I was absolutely blessed to see an exhibit by the great American artist John T. Scott. (http://www.leh.org/john_scott_art/johnscott_front.html). This man was amazing. He worked in absolutely EVERY medium you can think of. I mean honestly. We saw pieces from Acrylics and oil paintings, to giant wood carvings, to sculpture, steel, calligraphy, glass blowing... you name it, he did it. Absolute GENIUS!!! As we were walking through his exhibit, me with journal in hand of course, taking notes and writing down ideas that were inspired by this man's talent, I came across a series of encased boxes that held letters he had written to friends over the years. He created his own paper (Right...) and of course used the beautiful calligraphy making each letter a priceless work of art when really all he was saying was, "I'm really excited to be visiting you next month. I can't wait."

As I paused at each letter, reading his thoughts it hit me that letter writing is truly a lost art. Everything is instant, and yes, I am quite guilty of being utterly obsessed with all things Google, but what happened to the days of writing letters? I made a decision right then and there that I was going to bring this back. I sent out a message to my people on Twitter (which by the way I have reinstated @BeeNCeedotcom if you would like to follow) and started my own pen pal relationships. I got really inspired and creative and started dying paper in coffee and tea, mixing in food coloring, using special scissors and cut outs, I mean, I have gotten fancy with my letters. I had to go out and purchase stamps because honestly, who uses THOSE things anymore (and Sidebar #2...what happened to the Black Heritage series? I still have my 34 cent Langston Hughes Stamps and am waiting to get my hand on a Zora, Nikki and Alice stamp. Come on USPS...let's make moves..) and got to work.
After going through a few rounds of back and forth with my pen pals, I have discovered a few advantages to this process...

   1. I have to tell you, there is definitely a certain joy that comes with taking the time to sit down and compose a letter. I find myself be a lot more honest and open when I do this and I just love the feeling of pen and paper in my hand.

   2. The older you get, the less interesting your mail becomes. Matter of fact, there are many days when you breathe a sigh of relief because your mailbox is empty, but maybe that is just me. Yet, in the days of bills, credit card offers, election propaganda, magazines that pile up until you get sick and finally have some time to read, it is a wonderful feeling to open your mailbox and find a handwritten letter waiting for you. The sight of that alone can change the course of your day.

   3. If you are a creative nerd like I am, you begin to enjoy the challenge of creating something different and new each time you send out a letter. It is actually fun and it is special because in a very quiet way, it shows the person you are writing that you care.

Each time I talk to someone about my idea they get excited. A friend of mine sent me a text asking me to send him a letter and I went next door and knocked on his apartment and handed him a post it. Don't do too much sir. LOL! But the point is, we need to bring this back. We are losing our history by depending so much on technology. Where would be be without the handwritten diaries of former slaves, or the letters between Zora and Langston? Take a minute and think about that. It is very important to find ways to preserve who we are now for future generations. With that said, I encourage you to call a friend that you haven't seen in a while and get their address! It doesn't have to be a long letter, but send them a quick note and let them know you are thinking about them. I'm telling you, it will become your therapy before you know it!

Peace Y'all and remember..."The Revolution will NOT be televised..."

Peace Y'all
B

October 14, 2010

Stress Relief....

Stress Relief....

    There has been a lot going on lately. I mean a lot. Every day it seems like I get knocked over the head with some phone call, email, text message (any surprise that I am totally anti-technology? Its really a defense mechanism, but I digress...) carrying some sort of announcement that invites the familiar ting of anxiety into my day. Most of these announcements are little things, but little things pile up and before I know what's happening, I'm popping Tylenol PM every night just to get to sleep. Its a vicious cycle I tell you.


   As an artist, I have learned about the power of escaping the woes of the day through a book, movie, or music, or some other creative art, so this time I decided to take a stab at a new book.  Thanks to my obsession with all things Alice Walker, a second shot at reading Meridian seemed like the logical move to make. The book is brilliant, I am totally excited about it, but 10 pages in, I realized this story about Black Women and the Civil Rights movement (one of my passions) was agitating the stress ball in my stomach and maybe this wasn't the best time to dig my heels into this particular book. It happens.

Yesterday as I was sitting in the copy room at work, waiting for the lamination machine to warm up, So I could make my super sexy "Where is Brandelyn" pinwheel...

 

my eyes landed on one of the class book shelves and much to my delight there were all three copies of the Diary of A Wimpy Kid Series. I excited grabbed the first book, read the first page and knew that this was exactly what I needed.


First off, look at the cover...




The exaggerated stick figures alone are enough to insight giggles, but the story line is actually entertaining and certainly brings up a sense of nostalgia from those awkward days gone by.

    I found myself trying to read pages to friends, but only being able to giggle my way through the retelling. I wound up staying up way later than my bed time (yes, I said bedtime. You try having to get up at 5:30 every morning and see how you do without a "bedtime") (and yes I do realize that this means I'm getting old, but I get evil when I don't get to sleep, so really it's the small thing I do for all humanity.) just so I could stay up to read. Of course here on day two I am more than half way through this 'novel with pictures' but I have to tell you, it was just what the doctor ordered. I showed a section to my coworker who had a scowl on his face and he instantly started laughing. I am learning that life really and truly is about the little things. Yes this book was written for second graders, but honestly, sarcasm and comic relief is for all ages. I'm glad I picked up this book and encourage you to do the same.

Long live BOOKS!!!

Peace y'all!
B



 


October 13, 2010

Writer's Off

    Yesterday was a day that I had to call in for reinforcements. Every writer knows about the creative archenemy, something we call "Writer's Block." Recently I had been introduced to something far more deadly than a simple block. I was introduced to a new phenomenon called "Writer's Off." It crept up on me slowly, quietly, I honestly didn't even see it coming. I found myself starting books, but not finishing them. Now, this is not an abnormal practice for me and my A.D.D., but this has never happened with a book that I was actually enjoying. The Biography of Alice Walker captured my attention from word one, but 9 weeks into the book and I'm still not finished. I should have known something was amiss.

    Next came my attempts to write. A few weeks ago I made the grand announcement that I was going to have a writers weekend and I was going to be shut off from the world. I turned off my phone, shut down my internet, moved the dining room table into the living room (for energy shift) and sat down to work. A few hours of nothing later, I wound up laying on my living room floor, underneath the dining room table that I was too lazy to move and slipped into the Season one DVD collection of Ugly Betty. (I still honestly love that show!) When my circle asked me how writing went... I told them. I managed to start a bunch of ideas, but nothing quite formed itself into an actual piece, but I was already on disc 2 of the series. That is progress!
    I always get really frustrated in these moments because they feel so solitary. In reading Alice's book,

 

all the writer talked about was how Alice was constantly writing. Everyday she was producing first drafts of brilliance and then moving on to the next. I wish i had that power because I literally have an entire shelf full of copies of the manuscript for Everybody Plays the Fool

 

 in my living room because that poor book went through at least 8 drafts before it saw the light of day. I always have ideas flowing through my head. Concepts that I am jotting down on any scrap of paper I can find, hoping to capture it before I completely forget. But lately, I have not had the creative gumption to make the piece happen. I have brand new spiral notebook full with false starts and stutters and eventually I think I just gave in and lost myself in those dang Ugly Betty Dvd's.
    Somehow, someway, something sparked in my yesterday and I realized that I needed an intervention. I called my brother who can be General Patton when I need him to because I knew that if there was anyone on the planet who could whip me back into writing shape, it would be him. True to form, he gave me exactly 10 minutes to write a 400 word review for a project he was working on, then gave me until 11 pm that night to complete a short story. The challenge lit a fire underneath my butt and got me moving. I was able to complete both assignments with an hour to spare and it felt great. The short story is definitely a draft, but I have a draft and it feels fantastic. I put that extra hour to good use and did some character development on another story idea I'm playing with and even thumbed through my book of baby names (best 25 cents I ever spent at a thrift store) and came up with names for my new characters. I spent a few minutes this morning perusing the website of one of my new favorite artists

 

(http://www.sarajofrieden.com/) (I mean Really?! How amazing is this?!) and felt my skin begin to tingle as I allowed my imagination to fold itself into the colors and swirls of the paintings. I suppose just like exercising I am going to have to ease my way back into a routine, but it feels so good to have gotten started. I can do this, I will do this because if I don't, I will have General Patton breathing down my neck, and forcing me to get in to shape.

I would also like to dedicate this blog to my love Chereese. Thank you for reminding me that I have a responsibility to write. Its not about me. =D

Peace Y'all
B

April 27, 2010

Be Easy...

I made a couple of decision this morning as I sat in my window drinking tea and watching the rain fall. Sure, I had already overslept and was definitely going to be late for work, but I figured, I might as well enjoy the moment instead of stressing out. So, as I sat there, watching the rain, sipping my peach tea, I realized that the time had come for Brandelyn to reemerge. So, faithful readers, I present to you my new and improved plan of action.

1. I am going to start painting again. I just placed an order of journals and I’m going to head to my favorite art store and get a few canvases just to get it flowing. My goal is to create some pieces to donate for an upcoming event. I have realized that if I have a goal in mind, then I am a lot more productive. And I have been slacking on a few orders for journals, so now is the time to make amends. I brought my sketchpad and famous Lakers pencil bag to work and during my break, I am going to start flushing out ideas. I’m very, very excited.

2. I started working out again, but this time I am doing it with a different mentality. Instead of stressing myself out about losing weight and feeling totally defeated and discouraged when I don’t work out or if it starts raining and totally messing up my plan, now I am working out for the simple reason that it feels good. It is a genuine stress reliever and it prompts me to start my day off right with prayer and breakfast. Two things I don’t visit frequently enough.

3. Unfortunately, or fortunately, simply put, I had to cut some people off. Yes, I had to trim my branches so I can grow. I found this time that it wasn’t difficult. I have discovered that I am deathly allergic to negativity, whether it is directed at me specifically or not and I am making conscious efforts to surround myself with people who know the importance of speaking life. I can’t hang with folks who are dissatisfied with their life and refuse to do anything about it but complain. I can’t hang with folks whose sole purpose is to stunt my growth. I can’t hang with folks who are not comfortable with their own identity and cannot handle my light. I need to be around people who are excited about their potential and are willing to work toward it. I need breathing space. You can’t breathe and grow around weeds so I had to clean out my garden so I can enjoy it.

 

I think the bottom line is that I am ready to live, be free, enjoy life, seek my path and follow it. I am learning to enjoy the bumps in the road because once I get over it, I have learned something brand new. I’ve been quiet lately, just spending time with one or two people who are uplifting. It’s been feeding my soul and I need that. So all and all, I am in a very good space. I am excited about the possibilities and ready to start over, fresh, new. Suddenly I have to be protective of myself, my feelings, my joy. They are too big to tuck away inside of me, they have to shine free, but now it’s important for me to figure out the best method for me to let it all hang out. I’m excited and I am calm. Calm because I know I am making the right choices and I am doing what I have to do in order to achieve my goals. The folks who don’t understand weren’t meant to, and that is what it’s about. =D

 

Peace Y’all

 

B

 

 

 Photo Credit:

www.ximnet.com.my/.../comments.asp?id=312

April 21, 2010

Leaves

Today i am choosing to stand tall, protected, covered, aware, dry, happy and free underneath the protective cover of these leaves. The storm is blowing wild and angrily but the ground underneath my feet is dry. My hands are free from extra protective covering leaving my mind and eyes free to soak in the gray fluffy beauty of the sky, its quiet here. Bodies bustle past, anxious to find shelter unable to pause, breathe, reflect and sing, soaking in the moments, yes i think I'll rest here, under the protection of these leaves, allowing myself a moment to seek the center of my happiness, the comfort of my soul. These leaves will keep me hidden, comfortable, safe and quiet. Yes. This is exactly where i need, want and desire to be.

 

Someone please. Hide me. 

 

Photo Credit: 

tinyshowcase.com/artwork.php?id=1697

April 19, 2010

My Light/Your light...Shine on

I fell

Slipped

Tripped

Landed

Into my own arms

Melted into my own embrace

Resting safely

In the first place I could find that was simply enough to carry the wieght

Of all that I am

All that is me

Finally I understand how important it is

And what it truly means

To fall in love

With me

 

            I recently learned a very important lesson. There have been a lot of changes going on in my world and I have had to learn how to deal with the voices. I have seen that whenever you move into something new, when you get a new job, or have a positive move in your career, or you join an organization, or you get a new car, a new house, or whatever it is, there is always going to be someone around who wants to throw water on your fire. There is always going to be someone who wants to try to break you down and make you feel bad for whatever reason, most likely jealousy, but that is a whole other story. It is so sad that people feel the need to do this, but on the other hand, it is so necessary because it taught me how to simply shut out the voices.

            Anyone who knows me, knows how sensitive I am. They know that I will spend hours mulling over a word or a comment or a look, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Sometimes things are justified but sometimes people are blinding by the light in you and want to try to black it out. I have had to learn to simply not let that happen. I have to take the fact that folks spend time sitting around talking about me and what I’m doing as a compliment. I have to rest in the promises that God has given me and know that with that comes a lot of challenges. I also have to rest in the fact that God has given me the strength to deal with all of those challenges.

            I am daily realizing my worth. It is not in my talents, or my bank account, or my status, but it is simply in the fact that God created me, and He created me to look, feel, think, create, dream, laugh, dance, sing exactly as He envisioned. That is enough for me. Even as I am writing this I am getting encouraged because God is whispering to me that He loves me. He loves me. He loves me. And that is all that matters.

            So let people talk. Let them say what they want to say. Acknowledge how you feel about it and then move on. It is important to have people say and do negative things to and about you because it makes you appreciate those who love and support you all the more. Keep your focus on God’s promises. Hide the word in your heart and remember that God will set the table for you in the presence of your enemies. You are special, fearfully and wonderfully made and that is something that should be celebrated. Rejoice in the fact that people can’t handle your light and enjoy the fact that people who love you will throw on a pair of sunglasses and get right in step with you.

            Life is too amazing, too beautiful, too precious to be wasted on negativity. If you aren’t happy with something or someone in your life, you have the power to make all of the changes you need to make. My thing lately is to LIVE! I know that that sounds simple, but we forget to do it. We forget to smile, laugh, enjoy the breeze, sit in the sun, read a book, give a hug, call someone and tell them that you love them, we forget to live.

            I keep hearing in church that ten is a number of completion. That this is the year that God is going to close all of the loops and holes and bring all of the things you have been waiting for to light. I can say first hand that that is the absolute truth. I never ever thought that my dream of becoming a Delta would ever come true, but guess what… OO-OOP. God brought it to fruition in His timing and it was perfect timing and I love the women I came in with and under. God gave me promises about my writing career and as I sit here waiting for confirmation from nationally syndicated shows who want to interview me about U.G.L.Y.  I KNOW that God is in the mix. I am settling into my light. I refuse to hide it, I refuse to run from it. I refuse to be ashamed of it. God created me to be all that I am, so I am going to rest in that.

            Be who you are! Let people talk!! Walk in your light!!! And know that you are an original and worthy of all the talk! I am swallowing these words too! Please believe that!!

 

Peace Y’all

B

 

 

February 13, 2010

Cabin Fever Rantings

I’m tired of being so serious all the time. All of this self discovery, soft music with guitar strings, candle light, cabin fever, Nyquil haze, despising my job, but loving the kids I work with, I need a break. Some laughter, a day off walking down Haight street, buying random stuff I don’t need and can’t afford, but doing it anyway because it makes me smile. I’ve been reading blogs, gazing at photos, basking in the artistic broodiness of other artists and it hit me that I haven’t had fun in a long time. Pure honest, laughter, sunshine, outside, good company fun. Now that this cold has simmered down to the sniffles, I think I am going to take advantage of this three day weekend and relax on Haight Street tomorrow. I just need some fun.

 

I'm gone... 

January 30, 2010

The Way I Am

The Way I am

1/28/10

 

 

Standing in the kitchen

One sock on

The other on the living room floor

Eating cold pasta

Blended together with whatever I could find

In a coffee mug

That is chipped on one side

But I liked the color

So I refused to ever let it go

Even when you laughed and joked

At the feathers in my hair

I remember the smell of your scent

As you stood too close

To pull each and every one of them from my curls

You looked down at me and I could feel your need

To simply be close to me

You were always there to catch me

Even if it was with a laugh

I miss you

The way your body seemed so in tune with mine

And how your precision fit in with the

Stutter

Stumble

Step of mine

And how you loved every awkward piece of who I am

I’m standing here thinking of you

And how much you loved

The way I am

 

© 2010 Brandelyn N. Castine

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Photo Credit: flickr.com/photos/84878335@N00/417954360

January 29, 2010

Lyrical Contradictions

Nice

Your lips grazed the bareness of my shoulder
Replacing the moisture the sun sucked away
I turned my head slightly
Pausing from the poem i was writing
About you
To show you the corner of my smile
Purposely stroking your ego
To let you know i am pleased
To have you near me

© 2010 Brandelyn N. Castine

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not so Nice

List # 3: In Search of Sanity  1/28/09

  1. Sometimes I have to sit outside to remember that life is worth living.
  2. It’s cold outside today
    1. I’d rather be outside, breathing, surrounded by life
    2. Than inside and wondering what the purpose of life is
    3. Not suicidal: Calm Down. -_-
  3. I run from things I feel are unnecessarily difficult. And not worth fixing.
  4. Lord. I need a smile today. A familiar face. Not even familiar. I need to see the face of someone who loves me.
  5. Me.
  6. Who is that?
  7. For a brief time I thought I’d met her. I thought we had finally met face to face and I had convinced myself that I like her. Wanted to be close to her. But she never sticks around long enough for me to touch her and see if she is real
  8. I suddenly feel exposed and unsafe. Like my light shield is down and I am a target for the blows of the enemy
  9. I feel them. Each and every shot
  10. maybe that’s why I am so drained. All of my blood is gone. Dripped out of my body and not there is only skin and bone left
  11. maybe this is who I really am. A moody, broody girl who is searching honestly, and authentically for a reason to smile
  12. Sidebar: Black men are overwhelmingly beautiful to me. I wonder if they know that. How beautiful they are.
  13. *Turns the mirror to self: Do you see how beautiful YOU are?
  14. I feel like a hypocrite. Fake. Unable to let the truth hang out and dangle freely
    1. I just posted a bunch of love poems on facebook
    2. Dedicated to someone who isn’t mine and to someone who never was
    3. Wondering if people will read them

                                                               i.      Poetry Break: I fell asleep on a pile of papers

Balled up nuances that tried

And failed

To accurately describe you

And found the words in my dreams

                                                             ii.      See? I don’t know where it comes from

    1. I write anyway because really its for me and it is a large key to my sanity *bright light on a cloudy day
  1. I’m really cold
  2. Feeling Invisible
  3. I think I have been alone too long. I haven’t spent quality time, hours of conversations laughter, hugs, tears, face to face time with someone I love in a long time
  4. Too cold to sleep now. My bones have frozen. Wish I still had blood inside of me to keep me warm.
  5. this is me: today.
  6. tomorrow will be better
 

 

January 28, 2010

Bedtime Ramblings

 

Oh dear, dear piece of paper and pen. I feel like right now, you are the only one I can talk to. Slightly dramatic, but still overwhelmingly true. I need a space to write this out, free these truths, figure out what to do. My face hurts. Literally. Like it is tender to the touch and I appreciate the pain because he was the cause. His personality, his wisdom, his everything, causes my face to hurt, and I like it. I’m curious about him. A curiosity that makes me play hide and seek then run back to make sure he didn’t leave. But he’s here. Right here. He didn’t want to let me get off of the phone tonight. Racking his brain for ways to extend the lifeline holding us together, both of us walking away full and content, and warm. Good night my love. My like. Love feels too strong. For the first time, I want to take it slow, because I like you. I do. Because you are aware of my need to feel safe with you. Aware and willing to speak softly, tread lightly, create an availability for me to settle in to you and speak. Thank you and good night. I know I have already greeted you in your dreamland fantasies, now I will close my eyes and wait for you to greet me, too.

January 21, 2010

Always Be True

Always Be True

 

“I know who I am and I am always me, although I can be really intense at times …Sometimes I’m a sullen girl, disillusioned with the world’s backwardness, angry at the wrongs, can’t get pen and paper in my hands quick enough. Sometimes I’m thoughtful, calling my loved ones to pour out why I appreciate them, singing my thanks. Sometimes I’m shy, painfully transparent, sharp at times, at others silly. I am one intense adjective at a time, and while I’m there, I don’t resist those feelings. I rest in those moments. I try to taste them, wrap myself in them as hard as I can. I call it freedom, and I suppose if I wasn’t the way I am, I wouldn’t have the careers I do. Maybe I’m nuts (probably), but I notice that when I fight myself, suck myself in, I lose all the stuff, the fruit, the core of me that I enjoy the most.” 

~Jill Scott

 

When I read these words in Essence Magazine, I literally felt my soul fly free. I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders and instantly I was relieved because I knew that somebody understood…me. Every word felt like it had been snatched from that deep down inside of me place that can never quite articulate how it feels but knows that it feels something that is strong. I am complicated and even though I can’t always say exactly why that is, or how I feel, I am just fine with being exactly who I am. I make it a point to acknowledge my feelings as they come because I have to. I get really emotional over what some people feel are small things, like watching my brother dance in my living room, or soaking in a hug from someone who just means the world to me, or finally sitting down and having dinner with someone special, just to be able to catch up and talk, these moments mean something to me.

 

 

For most of my life I have felt like a gigantic contradiction. I am someone who loves attention, but is scared of it. I am someone who constantly seeks out human contact, but thirsts for solitude. I am someone who prefers books over movies, CD’s over Ipods and thrift stores over department stores. I crave new, old things and wear my grandmother’s jewelry every day because it makes me feel special and beautiful more than the pieces I bought from Tiffany’s. I am classic, yet evolving, growing comfortable in my intensity. I have to be the way I am, think the way I think, dream the way I dream in order to be who God has created me to be. “I suppose if I wasn’t the way I am, I wouldn’t have the careers I do”, yes, yes, yes.

 

 

I woke up this morning and wrote in huge letters across a blank page in my journal: TODAY…I SIMPLY LOVE ME. And I do. I am making more of a conscious effort to respect the person God has created me to be. I am going to bask in all the me-ness I can, because I only get to enjoy my life once. All of the petty things, the concepts created by society, are irrelevant. I am liberating myself for myself and I feel better because of it.

Thank you Jill, for expressing the things I could never articulate and for reminding me that all I have is who I am and to that I must always be true.

 

Peace y’all,

B

 


December 29, 2009

The Anti-resolution

The Anti-resolution

 

I have never been a fan of resolutions. I have always felt that they put unnecessary pressure on you and added guilt which is totally unnecessary. So I want to write about things that I did right in 2009 that I want to continue and enhance in 2010.

 

  1. My mission for self discovery: I have learned so much about myself as a woman and most importantly as an artist. I have come to acknowledge that I am truly an artist, for whatever that is worth. So I am going to continue to explore, examine and appreciate all of my emotions, questions, confusions, doubts and translate them into art. I will continue to embrace whatever I am feeling and allow that to become something tangible that will one day become my legacy.
  2. Appreciating my inner and outer beauty: I feel like I have gotten the upper hand with the low self esteem demon and have learned to accept and appreciate myself for who and what I am and for what I look like. I have come to accept and appreciate my size, my curves, my hair, my lips, my eyes, my ankles, all of the things I used to get teased and talked about, now, I love them. I love all of the things about me that make me unique and every moment I have to glow in my skin. I like me, and I am going to continue to love and appreciate who I am.
  3. Relationship building: I have been blessed with some amazing people/family. Discovering new relatives that push and encourage, motivate, inspire and challenge who I am. People who won’t accept my habit of running for cover when things get bad or scary, who will chase me down when I try to hide and get in my face until I finally break down and talk about what’s really going on. People who care. My uncle called me his daughter in front of a room full of people during thanksgiving and I started to cry because that was the first time I have ever heard a man call me that. I love him for that and I am grateful that I got the chance to tell him that. I have friends that keep me balanced and make me laugh until I cry. I will continue to make the changes in me that will allow me to continue to grow and appreciate those relationships.
  4. Artistic development: I remember the day I told my friend that I was not a poet and I could never write a poem. Ever. I remember the semester I took an art class at my community college for my art requirement and I almost failed because quite honestly, I was terrible at it. I remember the day I almost left UC Berkeley because I was told that I did not have the writing skill necessary to graduate from Cal with a degree in English and I needed to find a new major. I have learned how to reject the ideas and standards of people who simply don’t get it. Thank God I did! I never would have discovered my life’s purpose, my dream, my hope, my reason for getting up every morning if I had listened to people who were unsatisfied with their lives. I have learned to think for myself. To surround myself with like minded individuals who breathe color and creativity. I take criticism for what is, take what I need, leave behind what I don’t and keep moving from there. I will continue to grow, live and breathe, for me.

 

I think the bottom line is that in 2010, I promise to continue using what works, move away from the situations, relationships and circumstances that didn’t. I promise to be okay with who I am and what I am about. I promise to laugh more and bask in the dark blue times and write, paint, sing, or dance my way out of it. I will continue to allow artists like Alice Walker, Paulo Coehlo, Georgia Anne Muldrow, Rahsaan Patterson, Adele, Alvin Ailey, Noah D. James, Justin Sharlman, Frida Kahlo, And Nican Robinson to continue to inspire me. There is so much beauty in the world and I promise in 2010 to live. To move forward with my eyes wide open and regain my consciousness. I am excited about the things to come. I love the promise of a new year, a fresh start. So I will continue down the path I have been on, and keep my eyes open for new avenues to travel down. Happy New Year every one. Let’s make this one even more beautiful then the past.


Peace Y’all

B

 

 

December 28, 2009

Sometimes

December 26, 2009

 

“Avoiding depression with massive daily doses of television programs.” Paulo Coehlo

 

I’ve been doing this for the last couple of days, allowing the voices and mindless dribble of fictitious characters to drown out the voices in my head. Avoiding the questions and the clarity, allowing my mind to pause from its daily work out and just be. If I were to take a moment to be honest with myself, I would say that a lot of the time I don’t even understand myself and I get frustrated because I desperately sift through my relationships searching for someone else who can decipher the clues.

 

Sometimes I beat myself up for not having a smile on my face. When I don’t smile, or can’t feel that moonbeam of joy from somewhere deep within I feel guilty because I have this image to protect, these poems to write and these moments to live to inspire and encourage someone else. But sometimes I just don’t feel like it.

 

Sometimes I feel the need to explain my thoughts, really try to break them down, even when they don’t make sense to me, hoping that if I talk enough, somehow, some way they will make sense. But people don’t always understand that. I don’t talk to hear myself talking, I talk because I need to work some things out and my laptop can’t always provide answers so I reach, hoping that someone will be able to help me make sense of all of this.

 

Sometimes I think about how fragile life is, and how we only have this very moment we are living in and how desperate I am to truly show the people in my world how much they mean to me because this could be the last second we have to share. A lot of people don’t get that. They hear me say I love you and it is met with an immediate mimic of the words, but they don’t hear what I’m saying. I’m saying, you mean the world to me. I appreciate having you in my life. I would do anything for you because… I love you. So I’ve decided to stop saying it. I will let my actions speak for themselves until the words have meaning again.

 

Sometimes I believe in people and sometimes I regret letting people get close to me. I despise being vulnerable and I underestimate the power of having people look at me and just know what is going to come out of my mouth next. I realize that I am becoming slightly antisocial. I prefer one on one, or small group outings where people can talk to each other. I don’t do well in big groups, never have. I wonder what that means.

 

I know that I will snap out of this moment. I have to experience this so I can grow and grow up. To be able to appreciate the sunshine when it comes. Sometimes I just need to breathe, accept how I am feeling and move forward. I need to accept that it is okay to feel this way. That it is okay to wrap myself in shrouds of blue, because I know that I have the power to take it off. Shake loose my hair and smile.

 

Writing is my peace. Even as I get the darkness of some of these thoughts onto the page, I feel my blue shroud beginning to unravel. Today I feel like surrounding myself with music. Music that moves and moves me. I will leave the tv off, step away from the couch and breathe. Another piece of my shroud just dropped to the floor and I feel like a smile is on the horizon.

Today I will get back to my first love, my passion, my purpose, my calling. Novel number 4 is going to come out of this. This quiet time I have been blessed with, this separation from the rest of the world which is necessary for me to have. I am choosing to write. Breathe life onto the page and allow my mind to flow through the greater good. Maybe my characters will help me figure out these thoughts. Maybe that is the world that this complex mind of mine needs to be in for a little while.

 

Ah, yes. There it is. A smile.

 

Peace Y’all

B

 

 

Nican Robinson Photography © 2009

www.nicanrobinson.com 

December 26, 2009

I think: A few random thoughts


I think the bottom half of bagels is the best part. I always have. It’s gets crispier in the toaster and always manages to toast all the way through, making it perfect.

 

I think I am my most sexy when I’m wearing hats. Something about the brim being cocked over one of my eyes makes me feel fly.

 

I think it’s sexy when men were bracelets.

 

I think Jill Scott needs to step back into the limelight. I need her. 

 

I think life is more interesting when we take breaks from technology. When we turn off our cell phones and have an actual face to face conversation with someone and if we turn off our ipods and actually listen to the world as we walk or travel, we can learn a lot more.

 

I think Starbucks coffee is addictive and is slowly becoming my vice. If only the guy who works at my independent coffee shop didn’t develop a crush and become a stalker…

 

I think natural beauty should be celebrated.

 

I think more people should follow their passions instead of doing what they think will make them more money. Having what you need to survive is important, but what good is life if you are miserable living it?

 

I think the Daily love is absolutely right: People treat you the way you teach them to. Don't blame them, train them with love, compassion and self-esteem! I just wish it were that easy sometimes.

 

I think people are going to be interested to meet the new Brandelyn.

 

I think music is a powerful weapon. It always amazes me how you can be in a bad mood, headache, backache all of it, but let YOUR song come on, it all just goes away.

 

I think resolutions are pointless, but I am implementing some life changes now. Not about working out, or eating better, or any of that. My changes are going to happen emotionally. I think because I am so loyal and so dependable that often people think that my feelings don’t need to be considered, but those days are over. I am no longer changing my plans or intentions for anyone else. And I am taking off my name tag that says Plan B. No mas. It’s going to be about me now, and I’m looking forward to the change. I am truly marching to the beat of my drum and I am moving forward.

 

I think that my new way of thinking is going to be a beautiful thing for my art.

 

I think STAYcations are the way to go. Forget traveling and airports and spending money on little trinkets. I plan on camping out in Oakland for my vacation. Spend time in museums, coffee shops, and of course, right at my kitchen table at my laptop. This vacation…ahem…excuse me…STAYcation is the kick off to the new me. I’m also reading 100 years of solitude. Message. LOL!

 

I think the week between Christmas and New Years is my favorite. It is always quiet, peaceful, reflective and productive. This will be my incubation time. I am excited. Yes. I am very excited indeed.

 

Peace Y’all

B

 

 

 

Photo Credit: http://www.boston.com/community/photos/raw/monthly_contest/

December 03, 2009

Brandelyn's Favorite Things

Oprah inspired me once again and I wanted to create a blog about my favorite things. I am going to try some new things here with pictures and links...so...ahem...lets see how this works. I present (in no particular order)...

 

 

Brandelyn's Favorite things...

 

For Spiritual Inspiration:

 

Joyce Meyer's Everyday Life Bible

 


Seriously, with all of the insights and one second prayers, this book has definitely stepped my game up! And of course I couple this with

 

 Solo A devotional by Eugene Peterson:

 


This book...Is ridiculous...Utterly amazing devotion and there are no dates on it, just days, so you don't feel all pressured if you miss a day. Spoken from experience of course. LOL!!

 Brandelyn's Grooming Habits

Now, if you know me even a little bit you know I have an obsession with Carols Daughter. 

Carol's Daughter is like an answered prayer for me and has definitely helped me increase my swagger! I love it!!

My favorite products are:

Black Vanilla Hair Collection

Love Butter

Tui Hair Oil

Jamaican Punch Collection 

 

Sephora also carries their products if you want to go in and smell for yourself, but Carol's Daughter can do no real wrong in my eyes and I am a lifelong customer! 

 

My other obsession is with a company called LUSH. LUSH is all natural products for the entire body!

My favorite thing is the Soft Coeur Massage Bar. Made with Cocoa butter and chocolate, this adds just a hint of goodness to your everyday life. I love it!!

 

Their Bath Bombs are life changing!! My personal favorite is the Mr. Butterball bath bomb.

 

 

This bath bomb leaves your entire house smelling like cocoa butter and vanilla and your skin feeling like soft silk. Amazing!!! Love it!!!!

 

SWEETS:

Now y'all know I have a mean sweet tooth. My favorite thing in the world is (Now) red Velvet Cake. God knows my heart and gave me the gift of Marita's Sweet Potato Pie Shop home of the world's greatest Red Velvet Cake. Their cupcakes are a mere $2.50 and are worth every single penny. Amazingness... Shout out to Marita.

 

 

WEBSITES AND BLOGS:

The Young Writers Block: This is an amazing meeting of the minds that I am so excited to participate in! Good stuff!!

Alice Walker's Blog: Nuff Said

Be Leather: Keeps me up to date on current events, music, celebrities and fashion, while maintaining a high standard of fabulousness! I love this site! 

Noah David James: Thoughts, Poems, paintings, and insights from an emerging artist. This man is the one to watch. 

 Journal of a Sojourner: The blog of one of my favorite poets and fellow classmate. This man is amazing!!

 Medicine for Melancholy: this is a blog i discovered through Twitter. I love the rawness and honesty of it all. Awesome.

For All My Lovely Curvy Ladies: 

Old Navy's Plus Size section is where its at. Unfortunately its only online, but once you discover your size, and read through the reviews which are extremely helpful, your style will increase without breaking your budget in no time. Fantastic times!!

I just bought a beautiful coat that I vow to wear as often as possible! LOL!

 

Yes, Old Navy gets major points with me! 

 

Periodicals

I know this is cliche... but Oprah's magazine is amazing! Like my good friend and Editor Elosi says, "Every time I read this I feel like a new woman!" Touche my friend Touche.

 I could go on and on about my favorite things but I can't give away all of my secrets!! I hope you enjoy!!

Peace Y'all
B

November 30, 2009

I love Me


"How do we begin to come into ourselves fully, in all our perfectly imperfect glory? By letting go of who we thought we had to be, to make way for who we might become." Oprah


I had an epiphany today. I realized that I have truly begun to love the skin I’m in. I can’t help smiling as I say that sentence out loud because if you knew me, if you knew my story, you would know that being able to say that sentence and knowing that it comes from the heart is more than a one of the most important statements I can actually make, it is a testimony.

Even though I rarely saw him, when I did, my biological father was verbally abusive to me as a kid. He would constantly tell me that I was stupid and dumb and ugly and that I thought I was better than I was. At school, and with friends, I would constantly get teased about my weight and frequently felt like I was under some kind of scrutiny because I was always being watched and talked about in the most vicious ways possible.

I was under a lot of pressure from my family to lose weight from junior high on up and went on every single diet program (literally) and every exercise regiment known to man. I was an athlete playing volleyball from 6th grade through my freshman year of college, and I was the captain of my cheer squad for two years. I did a lot of running ,binging, dieting all because I wanted to make my family happy and I wanted to look my moms side who was all in single digit dress sizes. Of course I didn’t realize that it is physically impossible for me to look like them because I am shaped like my father’s Louisiana side of the family. All I knew at the time was that I was the odd man out, the chubby kid who was surrounded by people who loved me but didn’t look like me.

For the majority of my life, I felt like I simply wasn’t good enough. I was never thin enough, smart enough, and rich enough and with all of the constant scrutiny, I had it made up in my mind that I never would be. I lived my life as the ‘friend’ and ‘little sister’ to all of the guys who came my way because I knew that there was no way any of them would be interested in dating someone who looked like me.

I could go on, but needless to say, I had issues, but for some reason, a thought hit me today. Today my eyes opened up and I saw very clearly that God answered a prayer I prayed many, many years ago. It all became crystal clear as I was sitting in Starbucks, at my laptop, wearing my fitted sweater dress and favorite black boots, that, I love me. I actually look in the mirror and appreciate what I see. I no longer look to men to validate me; I can do that for myself. I love that I am actually my favorite person to hang out with. I can spend time with myself all day and be just fine. I don’t need anyone, rather I appreciate having people around.

The things about myself that I used to be afraid to share, my vivid imagination, my obsession with books and colors, my desire to listen to the same song 100 times and my fascination with lyrics, to name a few, are now the very things that make me who I am. They are the very avenues that enable to touch people through my work. They are the avenues that enable me to touch ME through my work. It is a HUGE blessing that with everything I have been through, I am able to love people. I love hard, and I love for life and for a long time I used to be afraid of that, but now I see that it is an amazing gift to have, the ability to love unconditionally and thoroughly, I embrace it. I embrace who I am, the way that I am and I have learned how to take all of the hurt I experienced in the past and use them as lessons for the future. I no longer apologize for who I am, the way I am, the way I look, the fact that I snore, cry at movies and laugh at inappropriate times when I am nervous. I apologize for none of it. I fully embrace all of me and I acknowledge that it is because of God that I can utter these words: I LOVE ME.

The moral of the story is that we all have hurts, handicaps that were designed to keep us down. Make us feel like we won’t be able to accomplish our goals and live our lives, but the trick is to learn how to use those handicaps to our advantage. All those years of being talked about have melted into compassion. All those years of hiding behind books and music to mask my tears have turned into my career. All those years of hating my body, my face, my personality have turned into a gift I can use to help other people learn to love themselves too. I love me. I love who I have become and I love who I am becoming. It is an extreme blessing to be able to utter those words and I have no to thank but God for it. So like Oprah said, I have learned to let go of who I thought I should be and make room for who I was to become, and I am so very glad I did.


Peace Y’all
B

November 25, 2009

Attitude of Gratitude




Being with family, being able to sleep, relax, laugh, and just be, I realize I have a lot to be thankful for. There are people around me struggling for their very sanity and yes, problems come and go, but I am making a very conscious choice to be grateful…

I’m thankful for:
• My relationship with God. It keeps me stable, sane, balanced. It comforts me because it’s true, I know that no matter what I win, because of God. He gives me a reason to smile through it all and I hurt for those who don’t know Him like I do because Jesus truly is my love song.
• My family. The people who made me who I am. The people that gave me all of the jokes, quick wit and taught me how to love the way I do. The people who help me cultivate all of my talents but keep me humble at the same time. The people who make me laugh and cry like no one else can.
• The five senses. It is a blessing to be able to watch the sun rise over the ocean. To watch planes take off over the Bay Bridge before the sun comes up and the sky is dark and the lights are twinkling in the distance. To be able to smell lavender and honeysuckle and feel the wind whip around your face. To be able to hear Jill Scott sing about my life and catch one of those contagious giggles that courses through you and turns into a full out laugh. To be able to feel hugs that can instantly turn your day around and to be able to taste Mommies cooking. I’m grateful that I am able to enjoy every facet of life.
• Art: I love that I am sensitive enough to let a poem, a painting, a book, a dance, a song affect me in a way that I feel like I need to do something with my emotions. That I can go and lose myself in a museum, spend an entire day laying in a park listening to free Latin jazz and staring at the sky creating shapes in the clouds. That I can write out my bad days and dance out my frustration and paint out my tears. I’m grateful that art affects my life and propels me into my own artistry.
• I am grateful that I know my purpose and I am able to work in that. I am grateful to be passionate about my life, my dreams and my goals. I get to see the colors around me and interpret them through my craft. It is a blessing to be an artist and to be able to affect people around me. I enjoy being a positive person, for finding the good in things and people and I am grateful that I am mature enough to no longer feel the need to apologize for that.

I realize that life is special. Its meant to be enjoyed and most of al it meant to be appreciated. Not just on thanksgiving, but everyday. I am clothing myself in optimism because I know that is the only way I will be able to survive. I encourage you to take a moment and honestly think about the things you are grateful for. Take a minute and appreciate the life you have been blessed with. What are you grateful for?

Peace Y’all
B
Today I choose to love the highs and the lows: and learn to find the beauty in the moments in between...

November 17, 2009

The Beautiful U.G.L.Y. Project Volume 4

http://youngwritersblock.org/2009/11/the-beautiful-u-g-l-y-project-volume-4/

October 25, 2009

Peace of Mind

            July 18th, 2009 brought about my 30th birthday. A lot of my friends kept telling me that 30 was the new 20 and could not understand why I was not freaked out about turning the big 3-0. The truth is, I was eagerly anticipating the new decade. I was always quick to say that I didn’t want 30 to be the new 20 because the original 20’s were tough enough and I have no intention of going through that again. LOL! The but truth is, I stood facing this transition with opening arms, ready to embark on this new change.

            Lately I have been thinking a lot about words and how powerful they are. As a kid I was often teased and made fun because of my weight. This pattern continued on through high school and by time I reached adulthood I was so insecure and unsure of myself that it was nearly impossible for me to see myself as anything other than a rejected fat girl who was not the smartest, who was not the brightest and who would probably never get married and have kids because I was not good enough. I would constantly beat myself up and would rarely allow myself to truly think of myself as good enough for anything good. It was really interesting because for most of my life, any time anything good happened, I would always secretly lie in wait for the ball to drop and for that good thing to be taken away from me because I was not good enough to deserve this good thing.

            Of course now in hindsight this sound ridiculous, but this was how I thought about myself for years and years all because of the words people around me constantly threw at me. The other night I was spending some time in prayer and a very simply thought came to my mind: But what does God call me? I have spent so many years worrying about other people and their opinions that I have stopped thinking about what my creator thinks about me. Suddenly I started to think about all of the promises God has whispered to me in my dreams and I began to think about all of the words God says when He looks at me. Precious, anointed, talented, beautiful, one of a kind, able, ready. Every single one of these words was meant to remind me of who I truly am. I have learned that most times people who spend their days talking negatively about other people are often completely dissatisfied with themselves and need to make someone else feel bad to make themselves feel better. It’s a sad thing if you think about it, but it makes sense.

            In all of my 30 years of living, I have learned to do whatever it takes to brush off the opinions of people and remember what God has to say. There are some days when the pressure is too much, but in those times it is important to find some way to remember the positives; to bring your mind back into focus and keep the truth in mind. It’s a constant battle but once you have the right ammunition you will be able to fight as long and as hard as necessary to win the ultimate battle which learning to love yourself no matter what and obtaining a steady and necessary peace of mind.

 

Peace Y’all

 

B

October 24, 2009

Breathe Today

Breathe Today

 

Today was a day where I just went where the wind blew. I woke up well into the morning, cleaned my apartment, caught up with some friends and family, had a fantastic time in my devotion and prayer time, watched Ugly Betty and now I am at starbucks knocking out some writing. Yes, today has been a really good day.

            As I was walking to starbucks I was holding a letter from my little “sister” excited to have an actual letter in my hand. I really want to bring that back. Emails are good for business, but it says a lot when someone takes some time out to sit down and write a letter. And it feels really good to get mail that is not bills or Netflix. LOL. But seriously, the letter was really sweet and when I looked up from reading, yes I was reading and walking at the same time, I had to pause for a moment and take in the sky. Today is a perfect 75 degrees, the sky is perfectly blue without a cloud anywhere. There is a slight breeze keeping it from being hot and it is on these days that it feels amazing to be alive.

            After the motional highs and lows I have been dealing with in the last week, it truly makes me appreciate these moments of just feeling good. There isn’t anything extraordinary going on, but its for that reason that I need to enjoy these moments and just feel good. I am going to spend today with my love, the written word and see what happens. I think might treat myself to dinner tonight, who knows. We will have to see how everything goes. =D That is the beauty of life, it can take you anywhere at any moment and its important to be prepared to flow when the wind blows.

            I want to encourage you to take just a second today and breathe, look around you and find something to appreciate about where you are. I truly, TRULY thank God for allowing me to take a moment to breathe, regroup, get back to what’s important and simply enjoy this day.

 

Peace Y’all

B

September 26, 2009

honesty.

September 24th, 2009

 

For the first time in my absolute life I don’t want to write. Writing is where I am the most exposed, the most vulnerable and I don’t know if I can take anymore emotion today. As I was walking home from work, I tried calling people in my circle and when no one was available, instantly I felt alone. I ask God sometimes why I love the way I do. Why when someone hurts me I can still love them with everything I have. Why can’t I turn it off and just be normal? I feel so alone, even though my rational side reminds me that I’m not. I can dish out love, but I don’t know how to genuinely receive it. I don’t know how to cry. I cry after weeks and months of suppression and finally something tiny will trigger the floodgates. I want to learn how to let people love me. How do I truly accept love and soak in a hug. Pastor Trenese’s death really showed me how much I need to learn how to let people love me. I only let people come in so much, but before things get too deep, too emotional, I will quickly crack a joke or turn the conversation back to them, anything to avoid having to expose myself or deal with my real feelings. I miss Noah. I miss having him to talk to when I need it. He is my person, the one that I can fall apart in front of and he just takes it. He doesn’t try to fix it, he doesn’t try to suppress it, he doesn’t try to make it better. He just creates the space, the safe space, the guilt free space, where I can just let it out. He has taught me a lot about family, and loving people, or allowing them to love me rather. Now that he’s gone I don’t feel like I have that feeling anymore, that family base here in the bay that I can call in a time of need and tonight, I realize that this is because I am blocking it from happening. I am the strong one. I am the one who cares for everyone and I don’t give myself the space to be loved. But the thing is, I don’t know how to change it. How can I change it?

September 11, 2009

Hello…is it me you’re looking for?



Normally, I would NEVER do this, but I can’t think of any other way to express everything that is going on in my head. So…wow…I can’t believe I’m doing this…here is a page from my journal written this morning…

Friday, September 11, 2009
*Lord, please read this page*

The time is 5:30 am and my bear is on the floor along with my pajamas. It was so warm last night that I didn’t want anything touching me. Honestly, that’s actually how I’ve been feeling in general lately. I don’t want anything or anyone touching me, or in my space. I think I just need a couple of minutes to figure myself out. Work out these kinks in my head.

I slept really good last night. Yesterday was a crazy long day at work and while overall it was a decent day, I have to be honest and say that I am truly, truly thanking God for the promises He has given me. I am definitely not complaining because I enjoy my job and I have a lot of fun working with the kids. Those jokers are hilarious. But everything else about it, pretty much goes against who I am as a person, as an artist. Which when I take a second to think about it, is really deep. I have not been able to BE an artist and especially a writer because without my even realizing it, my life has become routine and lacking color. I feel my burnt orange slowly melting into brown waiting for the moment before it fades completely into gray. I am deathly afraid of that. I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass door that leads into my building yesterday and I had to pause because I didn’t even recognize myself. With my conservative hair style and the business casual outfit with the CARDIGAN?! and sensible dress shoes?! WHAT IS GOING ON?! The girl with the big hair and the bright colors and the big smile is the girl I’m starting to miss. I can’t remember the last time I smiled from my heart. I miss that girl. This person who drags in from work, who has to hold her tongue 90% of the time because if it is a choice between kissing someone’s butt or holding your tongue…silence is golden. I don’t know. I just don’t want to feel like I am losing myself and right now I definitely feel like I am.

So right now, I am trying to find a way to still myself and seek God. Stilling myself lately has become really hard because my mind has been too full to focus. I have not been talking to ANYONE about the things that are going on in my brain, and I feel like I am about to burst. But Praise God that He woke me up so early this morning and gave me the day off from my workout (thank you Jesus…no for real…thank you) so I can relieve some of the pressure and write it out.
Something just hit me. I think the real thing I am afraid of is not conformity to the job…but more so I am afraid of routine. I run from it. I’ll change jobs, I’ll move, across the country if I have to, I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that my eyes are taking in new life and my creative juices continue to flow. Whatever it takes to make sure I keep myself from slipping into a monotonous routine.

I haven’t been working on my new novel, because my life has become so routine. I don’t want to talk about the same things in the same way or tell the same story. I want to stretch myself as a writer and think outside of my own box. Man, come to think of it, maybe being alone isn’t what I need. Maybe, I need someone to talk to about this. Sigh.

So yeah. That’s what’s been racing through my little head. Too much as usual. I feel like I am fighting for my happiness and my sanity. Some way to make it through until the promises come to pass. And they ARE coming. Praise God for that.

Peace,

Bee

August 29, 2009

Someday Nothing else will matter...



“I am filled by a profound sense of reverence and respect for a man who is, at that moment, reminding me of a very important lesson, that we each of us have our personal legend to fulfill, and that is all. It doesn’t matter if other people support us, or criticize us or ignore us or put up with us- we are doing it because that is our destiny on this Earth and the fount of all joy.

The pianist ends with another piece by Mozart and, for the first time, he notices our presence. He gives us a discreet, polite nod and we do the same. Then he returns to his paradise, and it is best to leave him there, untouched by the world or even by our timid applause. He is serving as an example to us. Whenever we feel that no one is paying any attention to what we are doing, let us think of that pianist: he was talking to God through his work and nothing else mattered.”
-Paulo Coehlo

I am trying to breathe. I feel caught, trapped even by my need to survive and my passion to live. I am trying so hard to balance. To manage my responsibilities at work, to set boundaries and not feel guilty when I take a day off, because I worked all weekend, or saying no to a Saturday volunteer event because I need some time to write, breathe, clean, think, create, I feel like everything is closing in on me.

Every time I read Paulo I get some sort of revelation. Reading this piece I realized that I am holding on by a thread. Keeping all of my emotions suppressed because I keep telling myself that I’ll be able to handle everything, get everything under control, but I can’t figure out a way to do it. I know that this moment will pass, it always does, but my prayer is that it will pass because I have found a way to make it work.

I know what my vision is, what my dream is, what my purpose is, and my goals are. I will never lose sight of it. I will always be an artist and that will always be the thing that gets me through the day. But right now in this moment I have to continue to keep my vision clear, and fight for my dream. I have the next two days off (thank you Jesus) and I am going to devote that time to resting and writing. I want to give my new novel all of the respect and attention it deserves. I don’t want to slap it together, or work on it so sporadically it feels like a new novel every time because I have fallen out of love with it.

I know God gave me this job. I know God gave me the gifts and talents He did. I know that my talents will make room for me. Knowing these things is my comfort and I will never take my eyes from the goal. This too shall pass…I will just get some much, MUCH needed rest and hopefully I will be able to get back to the place where I can talk to God through my work (my art) and nothing else will matter.

Peace Y’all
B

August 27, 2009

Growing Pains



Every so often I feel like I go through this time of extreme change and growth. Every time I get comfortable in my life, everything is flowing along fine, I don’t really need much, God will literally step in and shake my entire world up. Recently all of my crutches were snatched from underneath me. Its not until the crutch is gone that you truly realize that it is a crutch, but suddenly, all of the people I spent most of my time with were scattered, the relationships that I depended on were suddenly placed out of my reach and before I could stand there with my hands in the air, asking what the heck happened, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder and a voice whisper, ‘Hi B, remember me?’

There is always more I can do to improve on my relationship with God. I can never pray enough, read enough, study enough, there is no way I can learn everything there is to know about God, He will always find a way to surprise me. I love that about Him. Yet, there are times, when I forget that. When I get comfortable singing on the praise team, thinking that’s enough, or doing my morning devotional, but making sure I have enough time to check my email or facebook and throwing a quick moment in to pray instead of really getting on my face. I am slowly realizing that God wants all of me. ALL of me. All of my time, my thoughts, my hopes, my passion, everything. So when I am not in a place where I am giving Him everything, He will put me in a place where I have no choice but to focus in and actually listen to His instructions.


It’s interesting because during this time I find that I am at my most vulnerable. I find myself in desperate need of a hug, fighting tears, super sensitive because I am searching for something and I can often only shake that feeling by praying and honestly giving everything over to God. I find myself getting frustrated with “religion” and find myself blocking out all of the rules, all of the protocol, especially when I go to church and find myself simply searching for Jesus, desperate to get everything I can from him.


Growing up and maturing can hurt sometimes. Coming to face to face with things in your life that need to change, hurts, but ultimately it’s for our own good. With all of my people now scattered off and branching off into their new lives, I realize that now this time to grow and stretch is a blessing. There are so many ideas spinning around inside of me that I have not taken the time to pay attention to and cultivate. This time of solitude is for a purpose. I can’t write a book with 50 million things to do because I won’t be able to get into the zone and really spend time with the characters. My morning Bible studies for the last few weeks have been fantastic because my mind has been clear and I have perfect quiet and peace to really hear the instructions God is giving me.


I guess for the first time I can say that I’m not afraid of growing up. A lot of character flaws that God wants to mold out of me and finally, for once, I am quiet, in my secret place listening. I know that the relationships that bear fruit will continue to prosper and grow. I no longer mourn the relationships that had to end because now I have more room for more fruit. Yes, there will be some tears, and yes it will hurt sometimes, but I have to keep my eyes focused on the lessons and who I will become as I am tried in the fire.
Peace Y’all
B

June 01, 2009

Let it Be

            I live for days like this. Where everything is simply everything and my mind is quietly at peace. God has been teaching me a lot lately. A lot about myself, things I need to change, things I need to grow in, things I need to learn and improve on. God has also been teaching a lot about patience and planning. If we haven’t met, Hello My name is Brandelyn Nicole Castine and I am a habitual planner and perfectionist. I like things to be smooth, go the way I need them to go, when I need them to go and how I need them to go. I don’t like dealing with other people because they have a tendency to slow you down, hence my passion for one the most solitary art forms ever, writing. This way can be good, if I don’t let it overtake my life and relationships which is often does, but every day, I learn a little more and I grow a little more.

            Recently I have found myself more than little freaked out about what is going to transpire in the next few months. I haven’t heard anything from the grad school I applied to, my job and income ends in the next two weeks, (Praise God but yikes!) and I have found myself on this emotional rollercoaster because I can’t move forward until I know what is going on with grad school. The Land of Limbo is never a place I want to visit and here I am camping out exactly where I don’t want to be. Yet, instead of freaking out I have learned to take a different approach.

            I have been taking a break from book promotion.  Instead of freaking out because nothing is happening, I have learned to take joy in the fact that I am actually getting a chance to rest and quiet my mind enough to start book number four, which is now officially underway. Instead of worrying about what is going to happen next, I have learned to be grateful for the moment. I found myself truly thanking God today for allowing me to be able to handle all of the business I was able to handle today including paying my rent, in full on time. I have been in a place where paying my rent seemed like the biggest hurdle in the world and today I was able to do it with ease. That is truly a blessing. Instead of getting freaked out about not knowing whether or not I am supposed to be moving to New York month after next, I thank God that He has a plan and purpose for my life and as long as I stay obedient, humble and sensitive to what He is telling me to do, everything will fall into place.

            I guess the moral of the story is I am learning to get over myself, learning to stop tripping myself up and learning to let go and truly trust God. I don’t know what the future holds, but it’s not my job to know. God has not let me down one time since I’ve known Him and there is no way He will stop now. So right now, in this moment, I am learning to breathe, reboot, and let God drive while I take a nap in the passenger seat. (Again, if we haven’t met, I am completely narcoleptic when it comes to transportation, planes, trains, or automobiles, your girl is knocked out!) The bible says quite clearly that I have no need to fear, no need to worry about my life, what I will eat or drink or wear. God is my provider and tonight, I am (literally) going to rest in that and wait (patiently) in eager anticipation of what’s to come. For a perfectionist control freak stand point, I have to say that it is amazing to let someone else take the wheel while I just sit back and ride….

Peace Y’all

B

May 22, 2009

Happiness is...

I recently found an old book on my shelf. When I was three years old, my grandmother and I sat in her living room with me on her lap and she began teaching me how to read. Who knew that those quiet moments with Nana would guide me into my future career as a writer, artist and educator? The book , Happiness is a Sad Song by Charles Shultz quickly became my favorite as is evident by the well worn pages and it was not long before I was reading well above my age range.  Those feelings of nostalgia definitely kicked in as I carefully turned the pages and as I read, it reminded me of how important it is to appreciate the simple things in life. With all of the bad news and hard times and heartache we face daily, sometimes we have to take a second and think about what is beautiful and good in our lives. The things we glance over every day that truly make life special.  So, I present to you, Brandelyn’s rendition of Happiness is…all the things that are making me happy today! Also, I welcome any additions!!!

 

Happiness is a clean apartment

Happiness is a text message from your brother telling you he loves you

Happiness is rolling in the car with the windows down and the perfect song playing on the stereo

Happiness is a full Ipod battery

Happiness is finding that book you’ve been looking for on the clearance rack for 1.00.

Happiness is ice cream!

Happiness is a three day weekend and having a car to enjoy it

Happiness is free parking

Happiness is mail in my mailbox that is not a bill

Happiness is that quiet lull in the middle of the day

Happiness is a nap in the middle of the day

Happiness is completing your to-do list

Happiness is spending quality time with the Lord

Happiness is getting in touch with old friends

Happiness is going through old cards and pictures and feeling how much you are loved

Happiness is a returned phone call

Happiness is the sight of Hummingbirds

Happiness is 75 Degree weather

Happiness is having a pool to enjoy the weather in

Happiness is making major changes in your life

Happiness is BBQ's and catching up with people you usually only get to email!

Happiness is knowing that no matter what happens, everything is going to be okay

 

Peace Y’all!
B

 

April 08, 2009

5am thoughts

The time is 5 am. Why I am up at 5 am, sitting on my couch in complete darkness typing this blog is beyond me. It must be because I am on vacation and I know I can go back to sleep and not have to be up in two hours for work. I definitely am a gigantic fan of spring break. I woke up about 45 minutes ago and lay in my bed thinking about my interview. Last night I was at rehearsal for the praise and worship team and my pastor came in and we talked for a minute about the interview. He told me that I was going to do an excellent job and as soon as he said that I felt good. I have been low key stressing about this interview. It’s a really surreal feeling thinking about doing a television interview. Who am I that I am going to sitting down in front of a camera discussing this book on a major television network? This is crazy! I am really excited though. God is moving with this book and everything is happening so fast. Not so fast that I can’t enjoy it, but fast enough for me and my ADD self to stay focused. LOL!

I have been going through a lot of personal transitions in my life, some good, some bad, some hurtful, but every last one of them, designed to force me to grow in some way. I have a baby idea for another book. I want to incorporate all of the emotions and tears I felt in just the last few months and create a dialogue on how to be a human. It’s okay to feel what we feel, to think how we think, to want what we want. We don’t have to let people run over us, or discount how we feel. We don’t have to be afraid to shine because we don’t know how people will react, who cares? I have learned to surround myself with people who are just as productive and focused and accomplished as I am. The whole birds of a feather theory. People who are grinding just as hard as I am don’t have time to sit back and worry about what I’m doing. They celebrate, participate, and then get back to what they were doing. That’s what it’s about. But for a long time, I would swallow back how I felt about something and force myself to go with the flow. But now, as my milestone birthday approaches, I feel that light bulb flickering and I see now that I don’t have to hide how I feel. I can express it and do what I need to do. That is a beautiful thing. So, I’m still playing with the idea for now, developing characters and all that good stuff, but for now I am enjoying promoting U.G.L.Y. and I am very excited about this interview! Pray for me!!

 

Peace Y’all,

B

March 03, 2009

Two year Itch

 

I recently discovered something about myself. I have no idea what prompted this discovery, but I realized that every two years, like clockwork, I make some kind of major change in my life. Let’s think about it for a second. I went to my community college for two years, worked for two years after that, was a student at Cal for two years, lived in New York for a year (which in my mind counts as two because I feel like I aged at least two years living out there LOL!) lived in my apartment in Berkeley for two years, worked at Stiles for two years, lived in my current apartment for two years, and have been working at my current job for yes, you guessed it, two years. Even the master’s program I am applying to is a two year program out of state which would mean that when it’s done, I will most likely be moving back to California to start over.

 

I don’t know what it is, but every two years, I just get this itch, this desire to make some sort of major change in my life. And for some reason, it can’t be a small change, like a new hairstyle or some new clothes, no. I have to be the one to pack it all up and move across the country, or dramatically quit my job without having another one (something I will never do again, lesson learned!) because working in that environment for another week, month year is out of the question.  

 

The really funny thing is that each transition finds me scared out of my mind, although I would never admit that to anyone by Jesus and my journal. But the truth of the matter is, I am always looking for something more. Not necessarily in the ‘grass is always greener’ way, but more so in the, I want to be all I can be kind of way. The word settle has never been in my vocabulary. I don’t want to settle for the mediocre or the mundane, I am striving for greatness and it always seems to be just around the bend.

 

On a good note, I am learning to appreciate the moment more, but there is something about that two year mark that always gets me going. Makes me feel like it’s time to stretch my wings out and conquer new land. The next few months are going to be interesting and I am very excited to see what God is going to do. But don’t be surprised if I make some big announcements or show up with a husband one day! LOL!! That is just how I get down, I live for the moment, always ready to try something new, do something major.

 

Perhaps one day I will settle down, buy a house, have some kids, all of that good stuff, but right now I am in love with my freedom and the fact that at any point, when I am ready, I can pack up my bags, move anywhere in the world I please and discover what that place has for me. Of course, this will only be for two years. Because after that, it is time to move on and see what else is in store!
Peace Y’all!
B

February 23, 2009

Big Baby Moment...and?

As strong and as independent as I am, sometimes, you just need someone to come take care of you. I realize that I do a lot. I do a lot of wheeling and dealing, balancing both of my jobs, my career, church responsibilities, friends, family, life, all without a car mind you and then there are times like this when I all I can do is sit on my couch, concentrate on my breathing and wish that someone would come over, make me tea, rub my head and tell me that it will be okay.

I had to go to the Emergency room on Thursday because I had a high fever, my body hurt and I could not breathe to save me. The ER experience was much better than any I’ve ever had (Shout out to Alta Bates) but once I got home, I was on my own again. You should have seen me trying to fix myself some food, holding on to the counter for dear life because everything was spinning, waking up in the middle of the night wheezing and coughing because I couldn’t get enough air, watching my apartment turn into a bigger pile of rubble because I don’t have the energy to clean. Times like this I really miss my Mommie. Sometimes, you just need someone to take care of you. To call and check on you and say you know, B, I can hear that you are struggling, do you need anything? I would probably say no, but just being asked is really nice.

I am grateful for my girls Pia and Crystal. Without them this experience would have been a million times worse. I love you ladies. Alright, I’m going back to sleep now.

Peace

B

February 18, 2009

Comfort zone: Fail

One thing a lot of people don’t know about is that I have a tendency to be very shy. I know it seems crazy, especially if you know my personality at all, but when it comes to certain things like networking, or business, I get shy. Writing is a very solitary profession. It is just me, my thoughts and my laptop for hours on end working until my eyes start to blur and my wrists start to burn slightly from rubbing against the keyboard. This is my world and I love it. However, when the time comes for me to take off my artist hat and put on my business woman hat, it takes some time to get used to the new feeling.

The last few weeks have found me doing everything except standing comfortably inside of my comfort zone. U.G.L.Y. is my third book, but in so many ways it feels like my first. This is the first book I have truly worked to promote my work and the process has been scary, amazing, fun and of course a learning experience. It began with my reading at Mills College. When I wrote the first line of U.G.L.Y., I wrote it with the intention to shock, disturb and instantly transport you into the pain, shock and discomfort that Blair was feeling. My intentions have been successful, but I never thought about having to say that line out loud at readings and signings.

As I prepared for the Mills College event, I searched high and low through the book for a piece to read that could have the impact I wanted, but it didn’t happen. I knew that I was going to have to read the prologue and most importantly, the first line. I know it’s not that big a deal, but that is not something I would feel comfortable saying in front of my pastor, so what can I do? With much coaxing from my friends and pushing from myself, I got up in front of the crowd at Mills and read it. It was really crazy because the moment I said it, I felt this wave of emotion come over me. I felt like I was transported into the world of the character and I could feel the emotion she felt as that was said to her. The reading went extremely well and I was extremely proud of myself for getting through it!

The night before last I had the honor of meeting Ms. Susan L. Taylor, Editor in Chief Emeritus for Essence Magazine. I have been following her work for years and her In the Spirit Column is the reason why I subscribed to the magazine! Her thoughts have always caused me to take a minute, calm down and reevaluate whatever was causing me to lose sleep at night. Meeting her was such a treat because she is so down to earth and sweet. I loved everything she had to say, but when it came to getting my face to face time with her, I almost froze. I knew that this was my chance, my one opportunity to give her a copy of my novel and once again overcome my fears. I was shaking like an absolute leaf and hindsight I realize that it was because a part of me still does not feel worthy, or good enough to share my work with people, but I knew I had to do it. Insecurity lives in all of us, but so does a will to look past that and fight for what you want. So, I faced Susan L. Taylor, got her to sign my book, gave her a copy of my book and walked away feel triumphant. Another comfort zone hurdle shut down!

Yesterday was the Mayor Dellums Summit on Women and the ultimate hurdle came when I had to not only network, but also tell people over and over about my book. You would be amazed at how difficult it is to summarize your 388 page book into two sentences! Thankfully my friend Rhonda was there with me and came up with the PERFECT mini synopsis of the book. LOL! I met a lot of really amazing people and shook every hand, gathered every business card and handed out every book I could because this shyness is not going to defeat me!!

I am learning and growing with each event. I am learning to allow the God in me to shine and conquer my fears. This of course is not to say that it will be easy by any stretch. But my prayer is that with all of this growth, the next time I am face to face with Alice Walker, I will not shy away, but look her in the face, smile and introduce myself. But again, life is about taking things one step at a time.

January 01, 2009

My apologies

My apologies

 

Dear Body,

            I did not realize until last night, that I owed you an apology. I have never truly appreciated you, for what you are. I have spent most of my life trying to force you to be something you aren’t. Trying to squeeze you into clothes that weren’t designed for you, just because they were a smaller size and supposedly that would make me feel better. I apologize, for never letting you breathe, even in my own home, because I was ashamed to walk past a mirror and see the mountains of imperfections. I apologize for watching the television shows and reading the magazines and immediately deepening my resentment toward you because you did not look like that. I apologize for not treating you like a temple, for not recognizing the beauty in God’s design, for beating you up and mistreating you for simply being what you are. I apologize for simply not loving you and for wishing you were something else entirely. The truth is, I do love you and I am grateful to you for holding up through all of the bad diets, binges, short term work outs, long time mistreatment and constant scrutiny. The dawn is approaching and I can see clearly that times have changed. Now it is your turn to be loved and appreciated and respected, just as you are. Now it is your time to feel loved. Now it is your time to be loved.

 

Dear Mind,

            I owe you an apology as well. For all of the tricks and games I’ve played on you, making you think that you were not as amazing as you are. I have to apologize for doubting your intelligence and never fully acknowledging your creativity. I apologize for never being satisfied with all that you have accomplished and never pausing long enough to listen to your ideas. I apologize for allowing negativity and jealously from others to come in and cloud your thoughts, for allowing you to feel as though you weren’t good enough and that you never would be. I apologize for basking in the talents and gifts of other people all the while thinking you were inadequate, and could never get to that level. I apologize for feeling that you were mediocre, just enough to do the basics, but far from prolific. I see now the horizon of your capabilities. I will give you your space to run free, taste the wind, stretch and grow and travel to every destination you can think of. I will step out of the way and allow you to work. I will believe in you and trust you and be comfortable with what you produce. I will not compare you to anyone else, nor will I allow you to feel less than amazing. Now it is your time to feel appreciated. Now it is your time to be appreciated.

 

Dear Future,

            I apologize for doubting you. For dancing on both sides of the fence of faith and portraying a woman who truly believes when the reality is, there was more doubt than belief. I apologize for that twinge of guilt I felt every time someone in my life progressed just a little bit further while I stood behind and watched. I apologize for being more involved with that progress in others instead of learning the lessons that were being taught in the place where I was standing. I realize now that I have been trying too hard to bring you into the present when you are not ready yet. Actually, when I am not ready yet. I apologize for limiting you. For giving you boundaries and placing a lid on the box I placed you in, you deserve better than that. So now, I release you from my grasp and place you right back where you belong, in God’s hands. Your possibilities are infinite and you have my solemn vow to let you be. I will work and prepare myself, learn the lessons, enjoy the moments, bask in the day to day because I know you are coming, and the glimpses of you that I have seen whispered that change is coming and I need to trust and believe.

 

So Body, Mind and Future, please accept my apology. Suddenly I am grateful that I have no idea what the days will bring. Each moment is my opportunity and I am learning how to take advantage of those. I can’t waste this time complaining, whining, worrying, allowing negative people to affect my light, no, this is a brand new day. My eyes are opening to the possibilities and the Phoenix is rising. Thank you for allowing me to learn these lessons and yes, you have my solemn vow that things will get better.

 

Sincerely,  

 

Brandelyn N. Castine

December 15, 2008

Crab Shells

I have never been one to follow or really believe in astrological signs, but for what it’s worth, I am a cancer. Whenever I sense danger or hurt, I crawl into my shell, hide there and clip my claws a few times so people know not to mess with me. The problem with me is that I get comfortable in that shell.

In my shell, I can cry uncontrollably without having to explain why. I can sleep through the day without doing anything else at all without having to explain, I can listen to the same song until I rub a new hole into the CD without having to explain. In my shell I can be everything and anything I need to be without having to find an explanation, without having to justify, without having to try to figure out a way to make it stop.

My shell for me equals freedom. I can be as quiet or as loud as I need to be. I can forget to shower, comb my hair, brush my teeth, do anything except lay right there in my bed and be. My shell only has room for one and there is no phone or internet in there leaving me completely alone with my thoughts and no matter how many of them there are, each and every thought gets acknowledged, examined, occasionally addressed.

My shell is where I can feel God the most. In the quiet solitude of this space I can feel the presence of God and it’s there that I can get the answers to those questions that have been burning in my mind.

            I used to apologize for my shell, but I see now that it is my shell that keeps the smile that naturally forms in public on my face. My shell is my escape, my sanity, my prayer closet, my dance studio, my recording studio, my library, my office space, my journal, anywhere my mind can be free. It took some time, but I have learned to appreciate my shell. I have to remember though, that sometimes, it’s okay and necessary to come out of it.

November 09, 2008

I know its been a long time, but I have an announcement!

Just Published...
U.G.L.Y.
Brandelyn N. Castine
Meet Blair Hughes, a beautiful, intelligent, and talented young woman who believes her identity is defined by her size 22 waistline. With constant scrutiny about her weight and a pattern of failed diets, Blair has given up trying to be the perfect size six and has allowed herself to fade into the background.
Blair's unforeseen romance with Salim Martin, a talented young writer begins to chip away at her insecurity and forces her to look at herself differently. As Salim works overtime to show her how beautiful she truly is, his best efforts are not strong enough to keep Blair from waiting for the other shoe to drop.
When an unexpected betrayal rocks her world, Blair flees from her friends and family to get a fresh start in the unpredictable streets of New York City . However this new life gives Blair a lot more to deal with than she bargained for.
Suddenly forced to recreate her personal definition, Blair travels through a series of right and wrong turns, chance encounters and unimaginable situations that ultimately lead her to a place where she is able to look past the physical and discover what it truly means to be U.G.L.Y.
 
 

April 22, 2008

Just where I am

4.18.08

I feel the need to write today, but I’m not sure about what. I’ve had emotions swirling around me but I don’t know which one to grab and pay attention to so I let them swirl. My moment is so near it gives me chills like a finger that doesn’t quite touch the skin and I can taste it on the tip of my tongue, soft and sweet like the perfect Hershey’s almond kiss, I’m ready. Television seems to overwhelm me so I’ve turned it off and learned to embrace the comfort of the silence, I like it there. Goals being met, eyes blurred from scanning pages of books grown dusty from lying in wait, just like me. Unaware of when my dreams will be taken off of the shelf but I’m ready. For the one who will tell me that “My greatest fear is that you gave up on me and settled for something less because we both know we were meant to be together. It's my fault if I let you down. I guess I let the world get in the way,” or “you don’t have to be strong by yourself, let me be strong for you.” Spilling out honesty like coconut oil on freshly showered skin, I’m waiting.

Searching through my recent files just to kill the time I see nothing but contracts and business files I wonder when I lost me. The pages of my journal are etched with all of the tears and shouts and laughs and wishes I’m too ashamed to admit to anyone other myself yet I cannot bring myself to read through those pages because there is too much honesty there and sometimes it hurts to see where you came from. I’m getting tired of doing everything on my own. Of pouring out the contents of my day and questions that lay heavy on my brain to the wide open pages of the last time I cried and I wish I could give just a tiny piece of this strength away so I acknowledge that a part of me is weak, and that’s alright. And I don’t want to be afraid to feel this way, because right now in this moment this is me.

February 20, 2008

Encouragement

I started my new job this week and so far I really like it. Anytime I get a quiet space, snacks, tea and access to the internet, I am all for it. Last night I had a lot of trouble sleeping. I have been stressing out about my life in general. Last Sunday Pastor Chris gave the analogy of our dreams being like a cake baking. I have all of the ingredients, mixed up ready to go, but lately I have been feeling like something is wrong with my oven because I don’t see the cake rising or browning or anything. So I have been a little frustrated with everything. Anyway, this morning, I woke up and there was an email from Tyler Perry that he sends out to his mailing list. I know I wouldn’t do it justice if I paraphrased, so I am going to paste what he wrote. It really, really encouraged me… so here it goes:

“When we won the Image Award for HOUSE OF PAYNE, I said something that I didn't know I had said until I watched the show played back that night. I said that if 1000 people tell you no and you get one yes from God then that's all you need to make it.
That thing woke up something in me. I realized at that moment that I had had a lot of NO's in my life. I had a lot of people say, "You can't!" and "You never will!"  I had a lot of doubters and hardly anybody ever said that I could. And through the hardest times in my life I had to learn how to encourage myself. And I want to tell you that if nobody else will encourage you then encourage yourself.
If you have a dream, keep working towards it. It's great to have people give you awards and appreciate what you do, but back in the day, it wasn't that way at all.  I remember when I was broke and working a dead end job clearing about 300 dollars a week. This wasn't long ago at all, as a matter of fact.
What I would do though was on my lunch break I would spend the time writing down play ideas, writing down movie ideas, planning a tour for my play, looking at maps of the country, calling theaters. I knew that I had ideas that would move people--that would help them in one way or another, so I just kept going. I didn't have a dime to my name. I didn't know how
I was going to get there, but I knew that I would in some way. And then God made a way.

In order to get to your dreams you have to see yourself there. You have to see yourself doing better. Use your mind to see yourself doing better. The Bible says, "As a man thinketh, so is he." Stir up the gift in you. People are waiting for your dream to come to pass. Don't give up. I often think about all the times I wanted to give up. I thought about how hard it was and how much I was going through. I look at my life now and I say to myself, "Boy I'm glad you kept going!" What if I would have stopped, can you imagine? No plays, no movies, no Madea, not even this email. Again, God has given us all gifts and if you give up on your dreams then the world will never know. We're waiting for you!”

Needless to say this was exactly what I needed to hear. I just have to keep moving forward. I know the dream, I know the promises so now I keep going. I will keep writing books and blogs and poems and whatever else I need because if nothing else this is my therapy as well. So there you have it. I hope this encourages someone else!

Peace Y’all

B

January 24, 2008

Me Time

            For the last five days I have been on a break from the writing project I’ve been working on. So for the last five days I have been chillen and it’s been wonderful. This morning I woke up and felt like something was missing. I realized that even though I have been working on this project I have not really been writing, at least not my own stuff. Now that my third book is complete, I have an idea for the next one, but I haven’t REALLY started working on that. I haven’t been blogging, or journaling, or even reading good books and it hit me this morning that this is why I have been so on edge. Writing for me is my therapy, my escape. No matter what is going on, I know that I can sit down for hours at a time and slip into someone else’s world. I need that because sometimes my world is way too much to deal with. So today I am going to head over to the Bucks as my friend Peirce calls it and sit there until I start to feel better. I brought my laptop and my composition notebook with my ideas and I am going to get it cracking. I feel the tension leaving my shoulders just sitting here writing this blog so I know I need to take some me time and write. I think it is also time for a nice vacation. Nothing big, but somewhere where my cell phone has no reception and I have enough time and space to sort out my thoughts. That sounds lovely. Anyway, I just want to encourage you that if you are feeling a bit on edge, stressed out and need a break, find that thing that makes you happy and just take some time to do it. Whatever it is, take time to get away, free your mind and fly away. (Shout out to Ledisi). Only four more hours and then I’m off to the Bucks… I can’t wait!

Peace Y’all…

B

January 15, 2008

Just Breathe!

 


            One of my goals for this year is to work on my general attitude. I notice that I whine and complain a lot and I need to stop that. The bible says Let everything that has breath praise the Lord so I have been working very hard to be a praiser instead of a complainer. Since I have been checking myself, I have become keenly aware of how much complaining actually goes on around me. It’s kind of like when you are fasting, all of a sudden food is everywhere! LOL! So now that I am trying very hard not to do things the old way, I have become keenly aware of the attitudes around me. This morning there was a woman on the bus who sat in the very front seat, complaining and griping about everything. It was really a downer listening to her and I wondered if I had ever had that same type of affect on people. There is a woman at my job who never has anything kind to say about anyone and I notice that when I leave from talking to her I feel a little grumpy.

 

            I think that as human beings we have a responsibility to each other to at least care about each other. It is very easy to transfer negative energy back and forth by complaining, gossiping, being mean and overall unkind when we are around each other. It is one thing to talk about problems with the hopes of finding a solution, but when you just complain for the sake of hearing your own voice, that is a downer. This morning as I was doing my daily devotional it said to go outside, no matter what the weather was looking like and look for five things God created to be beautiful for us. I really like this idea because instead of focusing on whatever negative thoughts may be going through your head, it forces to focus on the positive and in turn praise God for the wonderful things He has done. Just the thought of that makes me feel better and makes me want to do something to feel good every morning. The key to happiness is really about our attitudes. If we constantly focus on the negative, we will become suffocated by it and then what? The fact that we even woke up this morning is something to get excited about. If your life is in shambles, you have another day to get it together. I am going to make an effort to change my attitude because life really is too short to walk around underneath a black cloud.

            So my declaration is that I am reclaiming my joy. There are a lot of truly negative people around me, but maybe I am supposed to be that ray of sunshine for them. Who knows? All I know is that I am going to do my best to focus on the good and remain positive. I have a lot of good friends, a crazy family, my church family and people who are doing positive things in the world. I have a lot to be thankful for instead of focusing in on what I don’t have. No mas! So I want to encourage anyone reading this to reclaim your joy. Take a minute while you are out somewhere and look for something positive to think about. Worrying, negativity and all things bitter causes wrinkles as my mom always says, so why let ugliness affect you. Dust off the haters and the negative and keep moving forward! Just breathe, thank God and reclaim your joy!

Peace Y’all

B

January 01, 2008

I realize

I realize… A reflection on 2007…

 

            I had no idea it had been so long since I posted a blog. I have been knee deep in the fairly new job working with the kids, waist deep in the new writing project and neck deep in my activities with the church that over a month has passed by…my bad.  Now that it is 2008, I have a moment to sit down and think about the woman I was shaped and molded into this past year.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and here are a few things that I realize.

 

I realize that I am not actually a very helpful person, instead I am a punctual person. One of my pet peeves in life is being late. If something is supposed to start at a certain time, or if I am supposed to be somewhere at a certain time, I like for things to go as planned. So when friends have functions that are supposed to start at 2 and I arrive at 2, I expect for things to be up and ready to go, or at least close. 9 times out of 10 that is not the case and me, being my usual punctual self usually finds myself in prime position to help get the show on the road. That is not to say I wouldn’t help anyway, but I will never actually know because functions never start on time…I’m just saying…

 

I realize that I am finally committed, dedicated and becoming successful at getting my life together. I have thus far lost 20 pounds and two dress sizes… I have managed to stay out of overdraft in both of my accounts for over 6 months now, I am focused and reaching toward my career goals… my house is generally clean…things are looking good.  Nana always says that the way things are in the beginning of the year is the way it will remain for the rest of the year…so far I think 2008 is going to be a good year…

 

I realize that my decision to be single in 07 was the best choice I could have made…I have finally flushed out all of my issues and feel confident that I can move forward with my life without all of the baggage. I feel lighter and I finally understand what it means to be a complete whole person. I understand now that whoever I wind up with will not complete me, but enhance everything that I already have going on. That is such a wonderful feeling!

 

I realize that I waste a lot of time. I am not making resolutions for 2008, but there are some things that I really want to start doing. For instance, I want to start cooking again. Have some dinner parties with the whole course thing happening and start experimenting. I want to pick up where I left off with my guitar lessons and I want to travel more this year. 2007 was a tough emotional year so in 08 I really want to laugh more and I mean that hard, make your stomach hurt laughter. In essence, I want to truly enjoy my life and live each day with my eyes open.

 

I realize that the power of friendship is something that no one can touch. I know that no matter what I have that friend in my life that will never judge (except when necessary, which is often if you know me at all! LOL), will always be there (except when she constantly screens me when I call!) and who will always understand me. Friends like her are a very rare and special thing and I am so truly truly blessed to have her in my life. Rose, 2008 is going down!

 

2007 taught me a million and one things, but I think the most important lesson I learned was that it is absolutely okay and even beneficial for me to be exactly who I am. There can be no more hiding behind my weight and my insecurities. My Rose came up with the phrase “Don’t Hate in 08” because 2007 has forced me to take a long hard look at myself and finally soak in some real true confidence… so I hope you are ready for this new year! The number 8 represents new beginnings, so I pray good health, prosperity, love, peace and loads of foolery for all of you in the new year!

 

 

The Legacy Truly Begins….

 

Peace Y’all

 Brandelyn

November 12, 2007

these are my confessions

A few random thoughts for you…

                I think that I should start this blog with a confession. Now this is very hard for me to admit, but I feel like my faithful blog readers and I are family so I can be real with you guys.  If you have ever had a series of conversations with me, the term “you don’t know me, I’m from the streets” has probably come out of my mouth a time or two. I talk a lot of smack, that’s just what I do. I’ve never actually had to back any of it up and I figured that the look on my face and the tone of my voice should be enough confirmation to whomever I am attempting to punk, and so far, it has been successful. However, a couple of weeks ago the fam and I went to see American Gangster and by the time the movie ended my stomach hurt from all of the flinching I did every time a gun was shot. All of the violence and drugs and sex gave me a headache, so I am going to confess once and for all, that I am actually Not at all from the streets nor do I have any innate desire to claim said streets from this point on.  In fact, I grew up in the suburbs. I had a schedule of homework, chores and play time. I used to roller skate down the street wearing my Aunt’s Laker Girl uniform (when she wasn’t home of course!) pretending that I was figure skating legend Debbie Thomas. I snuck cookies from the kitchen and sold kool-aid in plastic bags to my friends at school. I had an actual childhood and the closest things I came to being from the streets was the drive by shooting that occurred my freshman year of high school. Other than that, I was living the life that was quite opposite street life. I will actually take my childhood over all that anytime. So let me say it again, I am not, nor have I ever been ‘from the streets’.  Whew…Glad I got that off of my chest…

 

                I also must discuss Cal football for a second and thus confess that my Go bearness may have reached irrational hieghts. This weekend was the game against u$c and I got tickets at the last minute so I was amped. And then the rain started. However, being a true blue Cal fan, I was not letting a little water come between me and my Golden Bears. However. After almost getting into two fights, one over an umbrella and another with a drunk white girl, standing in the rain for 4 and half hours without being able to use an umbrella, getting punked by u$c’s band, and of course losing the game, I came to the decision that I am going to have to start supporting my Golden Bears from the comfort of my own home. The good news is that I did not get sick, but my sweat shirt is still hanging up in the bathroom and has yet to dry. It was really funny because after a while, I didn’t even realize it was raining anymore. It didn’t even matter. If we had won the game it might have even been fun. It could have been one of those memories that you can talk about with friends a few years from now and laugh. But alas, we did not win, we got punked and my hatred for all things u$c has been elevated by the fact that their band only knows how to play one song. Oakland almost made it into the stadium, but we held back. Besides, we were too wet to get over there and say anything. Just a whole hot mess. Maybe next year I won’t have to use the nerd card as to why Cal is superior to all other schools. Maybe next year. Go Bears anyway.

                Not much else exciting is going on in my life. I’m going home for Thanksgiving on Saturday and I am really excited about that. It is always good just to spend time with the family and chill out. And as an added bonus, I get to spend time with all of my friends that I never get to see because I’m always asleep for the two or three days I’m out there, so it works out great! Anyway, I’ll be in touch soon. I’m working on getting my consistency back with the blogs but as my 04 so eloquently said it, don’t force it, so I’m not. Be blessed and I’ll holla!

Peace Y’all

B

October 30, 2007

Kids pretending to be adults

I had the realization the other day that kids always come with a whole bunch of stuff. Have you ever seen a pack of kids roll into a place and all of a sudden there are piles of crayons and toys and books and crackers and stuffed animals and random bits of paper all over the place? You see this mountain of life materialize seemingly out of nowhere and wonder how in the world they managed to have all that stuff! I sat in the coffee shop working on an article I was supposed to turn in a long time ago (I’m working on it Shaleia! LOL!) and I found myself fascinated by these two little kids and their huge mountain of stuff.
I look at my life and I fully and wholly acknowledge that I have never quite mastered the art of traveling lightly. I’m making progress, no doubt, but I still have a lot to learn. Instead of the giant suitcase and two carryon bags for a weeklong trip to mom’s house, I have learned to take one small carry on item carrying all of the pajamas I could possible need for my weeklong nap in mom’s bed.  Instead of the huge purse and canvas bag I learned to carry around in New York, I am down to one canvas bag or purse, depending on the occasion. So I guess the problem is not the amount of bags I carry, it’s more the all of the stuff I carry in my one bag. On any given day I have journals and organizers, laptops, composition notebooks, ipods, cell phones, pens, lips stuff, wallets, I could keep going, but you get it. Whenever I go to the coffee shop I always have to give myself at least five minutes to pack everything up before I can leave. Then I double check the floor and the seat just to make sure one of my little things didn’t fall out and then I’m out. For the most part, I actually wind up using everything I travel with which says a whole lot about my ADD, but as I watch the kids as the table next to me, I can’t help but notice the similarities in our lives.
The theory is that kids need to bring all of this stuff with them to enhance their learning. They carry all of the crayons and crackers to help stimulate their lives, so what is my excuse? I feel like I am past the mental development phase, or am I? Technically I am constantly learning and getting to know myself and I often carry my journal or composition notebook because thoughts come at me faster than a pack of flies and I want to write them down before I forget. But I honestly sit here and wonder if we ever truly grow up. Just like kids I have a tendency to hold onto things until they fall apart or are completely useless because sometimes it just feels better to have it. Of course kids hold onto sweaters and favorite dresses, where I hold on to relationships, mistakes, and ideas. But hanging on to something that needs to let go is still hanging on.
 My idea of a grown up is someone who somehow magically manages to keep their apartment clean, is always appropriately dressed for unexpected company or various outings, always has groceries in their house and is essentially very well balanced. A grown up always has money in their account and is always able to take care of those little things that come up right away. That is not my life. In fact, I have never actually met anyone who fits this description. I know that this concept exists because I’m sure if Bill Gates gets a flat tire he can handle it that day, but in my world…everything is a work in progress.
I guess what it all boils down to is that we are all kids, training to be adults. I don’t really know when I will achieve that mark, and if I get there I’ll let you know how it is, but for now, I’ll continue being a kid at heart and pretend to be a grown up when I need to. But for now, the grown up in me want to snatch one of these little kids up and teach them how to clean up after themselves! My momma didn’t play that!
Peace y’all
B

October 25, 2007

New Beginings

Times have officially changed. I am sitting here, typing this blog on my brand new laptop. Last week I received an email from this woman who asked me to read her manuscript. I opened her email and in pure only my luck fashion, the email had a virus that basically sent Dino into overload and Dino died. God is good because I had some money I was saving up and I was able to find a new computer on sale at Best Buy. God is so good. So I am moving on up in the world and I have a computer that lets me move it around, I don’t have to shake to get it started, allows me to watch videos and basically get my life together. I am so beyond happy, I just can’t even tell you. I am extra motivated now and once I figure out how to use this whole windows Vista situation, I’ll be good to go. Seriously, it took me 45 minutes to figure out how to save a document on this thing. LOL. But I will be more consistent with the blogs as there is plenty of foolery that I have not been able to document, but now that I have computer access, I’m all good! My life is definitely back on track. I’m so excited. I haven’t forgotten about my promise for a big announcement and its coming. Soon and very soon.

 

Holla!

 

October 10, 2007

Greetings

It’s been a minute. I have no excuses other than I’ve been lazy. Or maybe lazy is a strong word, I’ve been expanding my relaxational awareness. Yes, I like that so much better. I’ve been taking some time to learn about the power of no. I’ve been over extending myself and I’m learning how to cut back. So I’ve been spending tons of time in coffee shops and the streets of Oakland and at the new job of course, just soaking in life. It’s been great because I have been writing a lot. And I mean a lot and that feels the most amazing. For a while I felt like I had lost control of my pen, but I got it back now. All I needed was a little break. So let’ see, what’s been going on…

So I have an idea for a new book that I have been spending some time working on and researching. In that research I happened upon a book called "The Rules". Supposedly if you follow these 36, yes 36 rules, by the end of your journey you will have snagged the man of your dreams. Or at the very least you will be married. I was only able to get to rule number 8 before I decided to let it burn. This book is psychotic, and not in a good way. Its all about manipulation and misrepresentation for the sole purpose of bagging a husband. The introduction actually tells women that you have to do whatever it takes to get yourself a man. Whatever it takes. So if you have a bad nose, get a nose job…I could go on, but I really don’t think that that is necessary.

It is so scary to me that in this day and age, books like this are written and purchased by the millions and smart, successful, intelligent women are told to down play everything they have accomplished just so they can get a man. I have conversations with people and ask them what their goals or dreams are, and instantly they start talking about men they are dating, or what kind of wedding they want to have and that to me is a little scary. Where did the thinking go that it was important to be a complete person before you jumped into a marriage? Why don’t people think past the actual wedding and all of fun stuff and realize that you are going to be looking at this man for the rest of your life? If you don’t take the time out to figure out who you are, then how on earth are you going to decipher what qualities you desire in a mate? I don’t know what’s going on in the world today but one good thing that came from this for me was it affirmed that my Single in 07 campaign was definitely a good look.

On the other hand, I have fallen in love with another writer named Paulo Coehlo and he is amazing. He is the author of the Alchemist, which is his most famous book, but he’s written I think 8 or 9 books, if not more. I am on a mission to read them all. His writing is amazing and I am determined to meet him one day. Eleven Minutes changed my life.

Speaking of life changing, Jill Scott’s new CD….

*Drops the mic.

Other than that, Cal football is ranked 2 in the nation. I almost had to turn in my Golden Bear car because of how hard I was rooting for stanfurd to beat U$C. That was an amazing game. Freaking amazing. How dope does Cal Football have to be to have a bye week and still move up in the polls. And again I say Go Bears.

 

September 18, 2007

Just checking in

            Something about this moment feels right. I am sitting at work, more on that in a moment, typing out my blog, taking a break from what I should be doing to share my thoughts. After all the turmoil and drama this summer, suddenly, all seems right in the world.

            I had a realization a few weeks ago. I went into my hall closet to get some of my Carol’s daughter shampoo and realized that I was out of it. Upon further inspection, I realized that I was out of a lot of my Carol’s Daughter top products. As I surveyed the empty bottles and fading scents I realized that the time had come for me to go back to work. Being a full time writer while quite rewarding and spiritually satisfying is as financially inconsistent as most artistic careers, so I had to get a job. Forget that my rent was late and I haven’t had a real meal in weeks, I was out of Carol’s Daughter! A change needed to come. So I got a job working for Oakland Unified school district doing Conflict mediation at a middle school. To say that this job is a gift from God is an understatement. It is part time so it allows me to continue with my various writing projects, but it pays me twice as much as I made at my old job, so now I spend half the time working and get paid twice as much to do it. So all is right in the world. God is good. Plus, I get to spend my days working with the kids which is a lot of fun and interesting to say the least. Again, I am so thankful for my childhood and my ability to actually have a child hood. A lot of these kids are so dag nab grown, it’s just crazy. Anyway. I have a job now, God is good, I am feeling much, much better about life and things are finally coming together.

            On the writing tip, please believe I have been working my butt off and I will be making some big announcements soon. Also, in case you were wondering as I know all of you are so anxiously following, Cal football is number 6 in the nation. Go Bears!\

Peace Y’all

B

August 23, 2007

Depression

 

            This one is a hard one to write but I feel like it might help someone, so here we go.

            I came to a realization the other day. I am the queen of being “fine”. Whenever someone asks me how I’m doing, no matter what I am feeling or what is going on in my life, they will always get the computer generated response, ‘Oh I’m good, how are you doing?” Every single time. The crazy thing is that for the last two weeks, I have been everything but fine. I’ve been going through a lot lately, more than my fair share of major problems and I have been holding on by a thread. Of Course, whenever I’m around other people I turn into “Super Brandelyn” and the smile is pasted onto my face and the jokes are ready to and available and the hugs are warm and the compassion is packed up and ready to hand out to whoever is in need. But recently, I haven’t had the energy, which is why I have been keeping to myself. Spending too much time alone, often rejecting the notion of being around people because I didn’t have the energy to put up the front. So I turned off my phone, closed the blinds and drifted away.

I allowed my circumstances to dictate my happiness and that is the very definition of the opposite of faith. I was heavily dosed with depression and that is a very dangerous emotion. Depression is not something that you just live with, lay in your bed eating cookies and hope goes away, no Depression talks to you. Last week was one of the roughest weeks I’ve ever been through, mainly because my Depression made everything seem a million times worse than it was. It always amazes me how many things can run through your head when you are left to your own devices. My Depression told me that my life was in shambles, which it actually kind of was, and that it was never going to get better. My Depression told me that no one cared about me and that my life was of no consequence to anyone. My Depression told me that all the things I thought God was going to bring my way weren’t going to happen, because if they were, they would have happened by now. Yes, my whole mind was a mess. My Depression told me that I had nothing left to offer and started giving me suggestions on how to end my life. What was the point, it said, no one cares, you wouldn’t even be missed. And the more I sat by myself, basking in this, the more I believed it. I could just end it and that would be it, no more worries, no more rejection, no more doubts, no more questions, no more concerns. The end.

Instead of reaching out to someone for help, I just cried myself to sleep. My relationship with God, even though I was at a point where I was even questioning his existence if we can be real for a moment, never let me actually get out of bed and take the pills. My foundation in God told me to just make it until the morning and you’ll be okay. My foundation told me to just pray, but I was too weak to do even that, so I just cried. I would talk to my grandmother and tell her I was okay and if anyone did mange to catch me on the phone, I smiled and said I was fine, I felt like I was physically incapable of telling anyone that I needed help. I needed a hug. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay. But because I am who I am, I kept my mouth shut, did my best to try and solve my problems on my own and continued on to the best of my abilities. It was scary, but for some reason, I was comfortable in it. I felt like I didn’t have to be anything but what I was. I didn’t have to smile or laugh or entertain, I could just be. So I isolated myself and bathed in it.

But I truly thank God for my Grandmother. That day I was at my lowest and had set up in my mind that this day was it. I could not take it anymore. But because of God, my grandmother called me and all it took was for her to pause for a minute and tell me that I sounded down and asked me what was really going and instantly the floodgates opened and I literally sat on the phone with her for an hour and just cried, actually bawled might be a more accurate description. I didn’t have to say a word, it was like she already knew. So she let me cry, and she encouraged me and after I dried up, she told me she loved me and I felt so much better. Then I went to church last night and God reminded me once again not only how much he truly does love me, but that he does have a plan and purpose for my life and there are things that I still have to do for him before my time is up.

No, techincally things are no better than they were last week, but the difference is that I have a different perspective. I have to stop trying to be superwoman and actually acknowledge that I need help sometimes. We all do and its okay to get it and to ask for it. We all need to look out for each other and call each other just to see how we’re doing. Sometimes we just need a hug to make it through the day. There is a Nikki Giovanni poem about women that say something like, we comfort because we need comforting, and that’s me. I am feeling a million times better, although I am a little tired. But God is good and I am looking forward to his plan for me and all of the things to come. I feel like I just went through a fight though, LOL. I need some really good rest and a vacation would be ideal, but all things in time. But to my Rosas, Rose and Angel, I really want to thank you guys because just your phone calls asking me how I am meant a lot. I love love love love love love you guys!

Peace Y’all

B

August 19, 2007

No More Bad News!

Here is the bottom line. I need some good news. It seems like everywhere I turn, there is something terrible happening. Or maybe I’m just in the frame of mind to only notice the bad things, but whatever the case, I need a pick me up. I’m not capable of doing it for myself, so I need help. Does anyone have good news? Is there anything positive going on in people’s lives? Are people moving forward and accomplishing things? Anybody? I’m just saying, I need some good news and quick. So if anyone would like to be a friend and lift my spirits, I’d appreciate it.

July 30, 2007

Just good Medicine

 

            “And the depth of the laughter! The way it seemed to go so far down inside it scraped the inside bottoms of feet. No one laughed like that anymore. Nothing seemed funny enough. When his uncle and his guests finished laughing, they seemed lighter, clearer; even their activities appeared to be done more gracefully. It was as if the laughing emptied them, and sharing it placed whatever was laughable and unbearable in its proper perspective.”

Alice Walker, The Temple of My Familiar

 

 

            Saturday was an insane day. It has been a long while since I had a day like that!  It started with a morning conference call for a project I’m working on. Then I had fifteen minutes to get showered, dressed and find a parking space in Jack London on a Saturday so I could attend a luncheon I was invited to. Surprisingly and with much prayer, I actually made it on time. Well, five minutes late, but the program didn’t get started until 1 so we were all good. The luncheon was for a program called SMASH (Summer Math and Science Academy) where I was a guest speaker this summer. The program is five weeks long and this was their end of the program celebration. It was really nice. These students are so amazing. They are all in high school, sophomore to seniors and they truly are the cream of the crop. Amazing. So I’m sitting there, enjoying my raspberry sorbet and literally out of the blue, my name is called and I was awarded the first annual SMASH Hero Award for my “Accomplishments and Social Conscience”. It caught me completely off guard, but it was really nice. I have my certificate hanging up on my wall as we speak!

            The next stop was at my friend Lee and Kacy’s house for Kacy’s surprise party. I got there an hour and half late, trying to make sure I made it after the surprise. However as it turns out, I made it just in time. I love my people. So we were instructed to bring gifts that represented our relationship with Kacy and a friend of mine brought a basket filled with all kinds of stuff, and it had a pitcher of water and a bag of flour. Kacy, calls me and starts laughing but I couldn’t figure out the joke. Then my friend started telling the story and I fell out laughing. Back at Cal, a few of us were chillin at Kacy’s old apartment and the boys there decided to throw us out of the house and lock us out. Then they thought it would be funny to throw water on us from the windows. So we retaliated by throwing water and flour on their cars. It was hilarious. As we relived the moment, I was laughing so hard and for a second, the sound of my laughter surprised me. It had been so long since I had genuinely laughed like that and while most of the people at the party were looking at me crazy for laughing like that, I needed it. I felt like that laughter emptied out all of the negative weight I have been carrying around and I just felt better.

            After that, I went to a friends house to wash clothes and just kind of relax for a minute. It was really nice just being around girls, not doing anything, watching the fifth element and eating cookies. Not to mention the laundry facilities that probably saved my whole situation.

            With my fresh clothes in the back seat, I headed back to Oakland to stop my friends house who was having a party for her daughter’s first birthday. I sat on the floor among the balloons and candy and just chilled. The music was good and it was nice catching up with my girl.

            Once I left her house, I stopped by yet another function just because I promised I would and was there for about five minutes.

            Twelve hours later, I walked back into my apartment put my clothes away and woke up the next morning on my couch. I don’t even know what happened. But I do know that I needed everything that happened that day. Sometimes you just need to be reminded that it feels good to be alive and thriving. No matter what is going on, a good laugh can just change your whole perspective.

Peace Y’all

B

July 25, 2007

Nothing special, just some randomness...

So I am having one of those ‘silly’ days, so please forgive me for this blog.

 

            This morning, I woke up at 7, got dressed and headed out for my daily ritual of walking the lake and spending time with Jesus. As I was walking and getting down with some old school Kirk Franklin, my keen eye picked up on a couple of thing...

            Have you ever seen a duck sleep? They just sit there, right in the water, bobbing up and down with the waves with their little heads tucked into their feathers, knocked out. I wish I had that kind of serenity. It didn’t matter what was going on around them, if another herd of birds came around making noise, or if some kids threw sticks at them, they were just knocked out. I used to sleep that way as a kid, but now that I live alone, every little thing makes me stir. And now that I am still on earthquake alert its really bad now. Hence my ability to wake up at 7 am and walk...hilarious...

            Have you ever noticed that older black men always start their phrases with ‘okay’? There are a group of old men that I pass by every morning and it’s always the same greeting. “Okay, how you doing today sweetheart?” It cracks me up because the man who owns the coffee shop I practically live at now always does that. ‘Okay, how are you Brandelyn?” My old professor from Cal did it when we went to his house last weekend. “Okay, it’s good to see you.” LOL! I just thought that was funny.

            A friend of mine called me this morning to ask me about some medicine because he was sick and it got me to thinking about the last time I was really sick. It was last year and all of a sudden I was hit with the whole fever, chills, flu madness and it was not okay. After consulting Nana, I got on the phone with my boo at the time, put on tons of layers, turned on the space heater, crawled underneath every single blanket, sheet and cover I owned and settled down. I woke up the next morning feeling so much better because I sweated everything out, but it was also because the guy I was dating was extremely sweet about the whole thing. He stayed on the phone with me until I went to sleep and called me first thing in the morning to check on and called me throughout the day to check in. I kind of miss that, those sweet moments, but he turned out to more than a little shaky bakey, so I don’t miss it that much...

            Yesterday was my friends birthday and although we talked a million times yesterday, I just wanted to give her a shout out and tell her how much I love her and appreciate her in my life! ROSA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

July 21, 2007

You just never know...

This is dedicated to T-Mac and Ike who encouraged the retelling of this story with all of the embellishments I can think of! LOL!!!

 

            So, picture it. We are driving down the street and standing on one of the islands in the middle of the road is a man, who is clearly very angry, cussing and screaming and doing that I’m about to fight somebody back and forth strut all the while holding a screw driver. There is another man across the street standing in the doorway of a barbershop who is clearly trying to see what is going on. All the while, parked sideways, half on the curb and half in the street is a white work truck. A third man is running from the island where screwdriver man is standing and he makes it to the truck, dives into the back of the truck and comes out holding a large comforter. He then runs across the street to the island, bounces up and down a few times like boxers do and then he swings at screwdriver man with the blanket. He takes a step back, bounces again and takes another swing at screwdriver man. At this point, screwdriver man is trying to outrun the blanket and swing at blanket man with his screwdriver. The guy who was in the doorway at this point runs across the street to the island and tries to grab the blanket, because clearly that is the more dangerous weapon in this story, and pushing blanket man away from screwdriver man who has now returned to the angry back and forth strut, trying to cool himself off.

            We were driving, so I can’t say how the story ended, however, I have to give Oakland two snaps for the sheer innovation of it all. It doesn’t always take some crazy weapon to win a fight. Sometimes the very thing we snuggle up with to keep us warm at night is the very thing that can make our point in an argument. All I know is that if my trunk worked, I would carry a blanket with me. You never know when it would come in handy!

PEACE Y”ALL!

B

July 20, 2007

mmnmm...

Okay, so there are many things I can handle, Blizzards, random gunfire, Oakland. However, there is just one thing that I cannot take and that is an earthquake. Last night I was resting comfortably in my bed, knocked out even and then all of a sudden, the entire earth started shaking. The quake which they said was a 4.2, but I think it was much stronger than that lasted for 10 seconds, which I think lasted at least 10 minutes. My entire apartment shifted and slid around and then all was silent. There weren’t even any aftershocks, that’s how crazy this thing was. The earth was so tired that it couldn’t even be bothered with an aftershock. I’m telling you the whole thing was a mess. The cold part about it is that the epicenter of the quake was in Oakland. I feel like that is unfair. Oakland has enough to deal with as it is, we don’t need earthquakes. We can deal with being on the edge of an earthquake in walnut creek or something, but being the epicenter is doing just a bit too much. So now, anytime a truck rumbles by to loudly or the garage opens, I’m headed to the doorway ready to brave it out. The whole thing was completely unnecessary and now I’m on edge. Man...this whole thing is not the business. Dang...there goes the garage opening again...I gotta go...
Peace Y’all

July 09, 2007

Let me know what you think...

I think I may need to get out of Oakland for a while. I’m not sure where I could possible go because even with all of its tomfoolery, the city simply fits me. Well for the most part it fits me, but then there are moments like this one when it is JULY and the temperature is 50 degrees and overcast...Yes Guns, the clouds are back! But, besides that I realize my life has become just a bit too Oaklandish when my first reaction to hearing a song I like is to start shaking my head as though I had dreads and scrunching my face in the “thizz” fashion as my form of approval. I don’t even blink anymore when a bay area native driver decides to make a left turn from the right lane cutting across four lanes of traffic to do it against a red light. I get slightly miffed when I have to go to Berkeley for whatever reason and now automatically believe when I hear a popping sound that it must be fireworks, (which isn’t too outlandish considering the holiday that just passed) but I guess that theory could only work during the first week of July.

            Whatever the case, my level of hood is about to exceed its limits and maybe I need to go to Atlanta or Houston for a while and calm down. But then, my creative side I believe would suffer. Oakland inspires me in so many ways and my little notebook that is starting to fill up with the new poems would probably not appreciate the change, so I don’t know. It’s just something I was thinking about.

            But just a quick update for y’all. The writing career is taking off and I’m super excited. My first reviews came out in the June issue of Vapors magazine and I am hard at work listening to more albums and I have my first artist interview on Wednesday. I’m a bit nervous, but more so excited. My good friend Yancie has officially revamped my website and it is beautiful. So make sure you check out the changes www.beencee.com and let me know what you think! I’m also thinking about stopping with the email reminders, or at least doing thing every once in while, like with those blogs I really love. Let me know what you prefer. Anywho...it’s 7:39 in the morning and I’ve got a ton of fun work to do. So, let me know what you think about the new site and have a fabulous day!

Peace Y’all

B

July 05, 2007

Random acts of kindness

 


            I was on the bus the other day, heading to Berkeley to teach a class and instead of hiding my face behind a book like I normally do, I decided to simply watch. The bus was packed full of people and in a rare event, Oakland was having an extremely warm day, so the bus was about 15 degrees hotter inside with all of the body heat. As I sat in my seat I saw a homeless man who seemed to be a little crazy taking up extra seats with his legs stretched out, mumbling to himself, nothing out of the ordinary here really.  But I noticed that anytime anyone sat next to him or near him, he cracked a joke and made that person laugh. One woman laughed loudly and shook her head and thanked the man for making her smile today because she was having a really bad day. This homeless man nodded his head and went back to mumbling to himself until the next person came along. At one point he jumped to the aid of a woman in a wheelchair who was struggling trying to get her hands in the straps so she could hold on, smiling and mumbling the whole time. A few stops later, he did not hesitate to give up his seat to an old man who couldn’t keep his balance with the jerking of bus. I watched the man as he mumbled and talked to himself and when I got off the bus I suddenly felt a million times better. Even though I was not having the best day, watching that man just be nice to perfect strangers just made me feel better.

 

            On the way back home, the bus was even more full, a hundred degrees hotter and everyone including the bus driver had a major attitude. However, a blind woman got on the bus and for at least three stops everyone sat and watched her struggle to stand up as the bus jerked and pulled its way down the street. A young woman who had gotten on a few stops before the woman and was laden with at least 10 bags, got up and let the blind woman have her seats. It took her a couple of minutes to get all of her bags out of the way but the blind woman could not have been more grateful. When the young lady with the bags exited the bus, one of the men on the bus helped her with get off the bus with her bags before jumping back on the bus.

            As I was sitting there watching all of this, the woman sitting next to me suddenly tapped the man sitting in front of us on his shoulders and said something to him before touching his hair and pulling a spider out of his hair. Now we are not going to into why he had the spider in his head, but it was the fact that she was nice enough to do something about it. As we all know I don’t do spiders, so I probably would have alerted the man it its presence, but that’s about it...I’m just sayin’. But it was nice to see people taking care of other people.

            Helping friends out in a time of need with groceries or gas or even rent just because you love someone often goes unnoticed or unappreciated. Being supportive of someone, even if they don’t support you is something that is difficult but can be so beneficial to our spirits, just like praying for people who have done you wrong and wishing those people well. These are random acts of kindness and they are not as distant a memory as I once thought. People are nice to each other and there is still a general sense of kindness in our society. The problem is that often we are too involved in our own worlds to notice the needs of other people. But on an occasion it’s good to keep your nose out of your book and just look around. Seeing all of those little things the other day really inspired me to just try and be more attentive and most importantly, nice.

Peace Y’all

B

June 11, 2007

Checking in

Whew… I needed that break! Hey Fam!! So things have been really amazing in my world, let me tell you. My first week as a full time writer went way better than I expected. I found a new coffee shop in Oakland that is amazing. It’s called Coffee with a Beat and it’s down the street from my apartment. I know I mentioned it in my last blog, but I really need you all to understand how great this place is. I walk in, everybody, patrons, the owner, his sons, the folks who just roll in; everyone gets the same warm greeting and love. I spent two hours talking to the owner on Friday and it was like sitting down and talking to pops. He is really dope. As we were talking, Ishmael Reed, an amazing writer and literary icon strolls in and Mr. Nate, (the owner) made sure that I met him. What? That was so amazing to meet him. I’ve been trying to meet Mr. Reed since my first year at Cal when he was a professor there. It never worked out, but now the timing is right. He was really nice and I’m excited to talk with him again. God is good.
    I’ve been working extremely hard and am making a lot of head way on my projects and articles and things. I find that I am busier now than I was when I had a full time job. LOL! But I’m loving every moment of it. Currently, I am in Duarte, CA at my momma’s house, sitting on her couch on her computer in my nightgown at 11 in the morning listening to her and my Nana argue about a newsletter they are working on. We are waiting for my Aunt to wake up for the day, it should be in another couple of hours knowing her, and (I am my Auntie’s niece LOL!) and then we are going to see what we can get ourselves into for the day. Man, I love coming home, the problem though is that I can’t really seem to stay awake for too long. I always come here, get in Mom’s bed and it’s a wrap. I do manage to wake up for a meal or two, but for the most part, I am lightweight passed out the whole time. But I need this time of rest. My mind is always racing and has too much going on so coming home to Mom’s house where the only thing I have to decided is when to roll over in her bed is the best feeling.
    But things are well. I’ve been really focusing on my walk with God and trying to really listen to what he is saying. Which is why I haven’t blogged in a while, just trying to focus and not get distracted. So now that I have my routine down and my focus set, I’m good to go. And no worries, the tomfoolery will be catalogued because there so much to note. I love you all and there are going to be some announcements soon!

May 28, 2007

Bringing back the past

The last few days have been both extremely productive and extremely solitary. I’ve been immersed in a creative project, getting ready to transition to the next phase of my life and career and the creative bubble I have been living in has been very refreshing. But this afternoon, I swooped up my twin soul, rolled to the coffee shop and worked for a couple of hours. Afterward, we decided to stop by the lake, which was looking entirely too delicious not to take advantage of, and we got to talking. Of the various topics that came up, one very important one was, when did we become so adult, that we stopped having time for our friends?

            It’s crazy because between all of the work hours and meetings and family obligations, we forgot to be there for each other. There have been more plans cancelled than actually realized and there are plenty of times when I have had to make the inevitable, ‘we haven’t talked in a few weeks and we need to catch up’ phone calls.

            This conversation also brought back memories of a ton of things I miss. Undergrad is a time you never truly appreciate until it’s over and today, I realize how good we had it. The dinners, the parties, the deep conversations, the not so deep conversations, LOL, we really had it good back then. We were constantly creating memories and building on friendships because a. we had time and b. it was important to us. But now that we all have jobs and careers and babies and husbands, when do we make time to just be friends?

            Now is the time for us to just have those random Friday night get togethers, where our conversations play the soundtrack and there is nothing but good food and good friends. My twin soul and I decided to start that back up. The summer of togetherness has begun. Life is too short not to really take the time to love our loved ones and I think now is the perfect time to start!

Peace Y’all
B

May 23, 2007

Coffee Shop daydreams...

 

Am I the only who is bothered by flies? On days like this when it is close to 80 degrees outside, of course every possible door and window is standing wide open at the coffee shop. The light breeze is almost as refreshing as the mango Iced tea I am sipping on, but I just cannot get over these flies. It seems like every fly in America has made its way in here and while I have personally spent the last 15 minutes, tracking them to make sure they don’t come my way, the other patrons in the place don’t seem to mind them at all. They just let them buzz around their heads, land on their food, sit in their hair, whatever they feel like. Perhaps it was from growing up in Nana’s house and being taught from a very young age that Fly swatters are a necessity in any household and if there is an intruder it must die by any means necessary. I remember jumping off of couches ninja style trying to catch the flies mid air, or trying to wait until they landed on the window so I could catch them trapping them with the blinds. Whatever it took, I was Nana’s girl. But now, living in Berkeley, I suppose people feel like every living creature deserves equal rights, but my philosophy is the same, you’re good as long as you are in your own environment. But once you step into mine...watch out for the ninja.

 

Why is it that people can’t take a hint? I’m sitting at my favorite table by the window and there are two men sitting at separate tables outside. For the sake of this story, we’ll call them Man A and Man B.  Man A has not stopped talking since the other man sat down. In fact, he can’t even eat his food because he is flapping his gums so hard. The funny part about it is that for as long as I have been watching them, Man B has not said one word. In fact he continues to stare at Man A with a blank stare on his face and continues to let out long sighs as Man A continues to talk. I have had similar experiences, usually on the bus. A random person will just start talking and wanting to share all of their personal philosophies about life. One would think that the raising of a book past eye level, or a blank stare accompanied with long sighs would be enough to deter your average space invader. Sometimes you have to throw in the wide eyes and the exasperated look, but sometimes that’s not enough. For those of us who pride ourselves on being rude, getting up and changing location would be an optimal response. But I was raised to generally be respectful so I have learned to just block them out. I don’t respond, look at them, acknowledge their overall situations and usually, they will get tired of hearing themselves talk and eventually simmer down. However, there are those few who would keep talking regardless of your being there or not.

 

Children: It seems as though the children that I see at the coffee shop (at all hours of the day mind you) are always some of the most out of control children I have ever seen. From the moment they walk in barefoot wearing a two piece bikini, or in flowered dresses, with boxer shorts and sparkly shoes with no socks, they run straight up to the front counter and start screaming about what kind of cookie they want. I overheard one woman tell her child to be on her best behavior and use her manners. The child’s response was...and I quote... “I already know that mom...you keep saying the same thing over and over and over...I heard you already...geez” Mind you this child was all of five years old. Of course my natural reaction was to snatch this little girl up by her sparkly shoes and ask her who she was talking to, but that was not my child. Her mother responded by sayin, and I quote... “I know that honey, but I just want you to....blah blah blah...What?! If that had been Paula K. Gardner, I would have been read all up and down in front of everybody in and outside of that coffee shop for getting smart. So after they leave, another little boy who reminded me of pig pen from the Peanut gang rolls in and decides that he wants to be a frog. So he gets on all fours and proceeds to start jumping up and down yelling Ribit at the top of his lungs. His mother was oblivious to this nonsense and was even more oblivious to the fact that her child had just picked up a piece of fallen cookie and eaten it right off the floor!!! Come on blood! That is completely out of line! GET YOUR KIDS! It is not acceptable for your children to run into somebody’s place of business, screaming at the top of their lungs, tearing up displays and then you reward this with sugar? Mom...thank you for raising me with some sense. All of those beatings make sense now. Love you!

 

These kids done wore me out. I’ll Holla!!
Peace Y’all

B

May 15, 2007

My eyes are open and it's okay

“I’m so busy looking for God in people

I miss the bright yellow

Diamond shaped street signs

Hanging from their necks that caution

Devil straight ahead.”

 

                                   Michael Datcher

 

On my last trip to Half Price Books, my Sunday afternoon retreat, I came across a book called “Raising Fences, a black man’s love story.” I picked it up, glanced at the back cover and decided that it couldn’t hurt to read. I call it research for a project I’m working on. I purchase the book and it sits on my coffee table for weeks before I even crack it open. Everything else takes precedence, the timing wasn’t right.

            Once I picked up this book, it took me a day and a half to read it. Half way through it I realized that this book was not a book of fiction, but a memoir. I continued to read and found myself mirrored many times in the story he had to tell. In this book, he laid himself completely bare and do mean completely. It was so amazing to read because as women, we rarely if ever get that type of insight into what a man really and truly feels. We get the voice on the phone or the averted eyes, but rarely do we get that raw honesty. And it wasn’t just about his relationships. He talked about his spiritual battles, being the first person to go to college and what it was like adapting to that college. Coincidentally he went to Berkeley and I found myself wanting to laugh and tear up at the same time as he talked about his struggle to adapt in the overly academic environment in a part of California he’d never even been to, finding out how to survive when ultimately everyone is out for themselves and how he almost didn’t make it through.  But he did and in the process he found himself, the writer, the poet, the revolutionary and most importantly, the fighter. Reading about his struggle, I found myself wanting to thank him, for telling my story.

            He spoke about a child he found out was not his and how his initial desire was for the woman he was seeing to have an abortion, and his feelings of shame and guilt when he found out the daughter he didn’t want in the beginning was not his and now, he couldn’t have the only thing that truly taught him to love. That’s deep. It brought be me back to my own feelings toward my dad and how it always amazes me that now that I’m almost 30, I’m expected to bend over backwards and try to make a relationship, that I always wanted, work at a time that I don’t need it. Once you get used to things being a certain way, calling mom to wish her a happy Father’s day, so used to looking out of the front window searching for hummingbirds instead of waiting for him to come, I have to ask, why am I supposed to go back to the old dream because you finally woke up?

            He wrote about his involvement in a church that molded him and shaped him into something that could not be identified and I found it mirroring my struggles with “religion.” I have always had a foundation in God, all those years in church with Mom made that stone solid. But as I grew older, I found myself involuntarily rebelling against the rules. Finally free from the thumb of the church I went to Xavier and lost my mind. Drinking, partying, getting tattooed, enjoying those moonlight kisses at the pyramid, not understanding how to talk to anyone about what was going on because in the church I was brought up in, you just weren’t allowed to sin and if you did, you would go to hell. But like Michael, I had to find God for myself. I had to create my own foundation in God that was strong enough to trump any man made rules until I was once again strong enough to walk back into the church and now I feel centered. I just had to get there.

            He spoke about friendships and how essential they are to our survival. Carrying a load alone will not allow you get very far. You must have people who have your back and who will help pick up the slack when you need it. I’m talking about just a shoulder to cry on, but a friend who let you live in their house if you have no place else to go. A friend who will drop by with groceries and no judgment if they know you are struggling. A friend who will listen to you just talk and get it all out so you can ease your mind. A friend who will help you grow. Like Michael, I am so used to seeking out the God in people that I never see the caution sign until its too late. Reading this really truly made me appreciate my friends. Not my associates, but my friends. Those people I can and have called at 3 am in tears who wait until the morning to cuss me out for waking them up. It made me understand how truly blessed I am to have seen with my own eyes what a friend is, and it made me wonder how many people can honestly say that. Just like love, friendship, in its purest form is painfully rare.

And most importantly to me, he spoke about his relationship with the woman who would become his wife. The story was not about flowers and candy and romantic dinners. It was about life, tears, arguments and prayer. He talked about having a responsibility to this woman, not to dominate her, or even be her protection one hundred percent of the time, but how to be the best man he could possibly be for her. He showed me how he learned from his mistakes and stepped his game up when the next opportunity came instead of forcing those lessons into situations they didn’t belong in. I read this and realized that I’m not wrong in waiting for someone who’s worth me instead of settling for the next best thing. It is okay not to sleep with everything breathing and not to engage in discussions about condoms or no condoms, what the best position is and how fine that dude it. It’s okay to be a lady and to carry myself as such. It made me realize that most men can’t appreciate this type of woman because they are not that type of man, and that reality is what is going to make my union even more special.

Reading this book made me realize that we are all so much alike. We all share so much in common, but we don’t know because we don’t talk or share. We mirror each other but can’t see it because we’ve covered that mirror with a cloth. We hide behind our race, our backgrounds, our education, our financial status. Everyone longs for lasting relationships but we prevent them from happening because allowing them to happen means opening up and that is out of the question. Maybe it’s time to start knocking down some of those walls and really start “raising fences.” Start giving each other a peek at what we really are and bask in the healing that can come from it.

Peace Y’all

B

May 10, 2007

Such is life

So, things have been hectic the last few days. On Monday, I was rear ended and subsequently forced into the car that stopped in front of me, so yeah, No Tanto Mucho. Because of that, my car has been dubbed “totaled” although technically I can still drive it. Although this morning I realized that I don’t have any break lights or turn signals so that veto’s that idea. Physically, I’m alright. I can’t turn my head to the left or right and I have some nerve damage in my back and a strained shoulder, but its nothing that large doses of ibuprofen can’t fix.

            I know some of you are thinking, hey, wasn’t she just in a car accident not to long ago? The answer to that question is yes, yes she was. The cold part about it is that the insurance company of the woman who hit me, can’t get in touch with old girl. So everything is put on pause until they can reach her. Again I say, No Tanto Mucho.

            But other than that, things are okay. The campaign is going very well. We are getting support from people all over the country and I just sent off a formal complaint to the chamber of commerce and the city of San Leandro. So we’ll see what happens from there.

            But yeah, this is my life. God is good and that’s all I have to say about that!

 

Peace!
B

April 24, 2007

Adios Cable!

For the past few months I have been spending way too much time and money on Amazon buying DVD’s. I told myself that I was going to turn my cable off soon and I was going to need something to entertain me in the mean time. In theory, this logic made sense, but it never worked out in actuality. So this morning as I was doing my usual lap around Lake Merritt, I decided that the time had come and I needed to stop playing games. So, ladies and gentlemen, in exactly one week, I will no longer have cable. I know myself and have come to the conclusion that telling myself I’m not going to watch TV doesn’t work. As my 04 will be quick to bust me out and note that my plan to only watch one hour of tv a day, hasn’t worked since I was 8 years old, and even then I would sneak and watch TV from the hallway. So yes, I have to resort to drastic measures and make it happen. This is a big step for me because I have been spending an embarrassing amount of time in front of the television and now I know that I will have to put this new found free time to good use and actually get some work done. I wonder if I will still be surprised by deadlines and caught off guard by the numbers on the calendar? I wonder if I will be actually complete numbers one through five on my long list of things to do. I wonder if my apartment will actually stay clean and if I will actually read some of the books that are collecting dust on my bookshelf. I’m excited and a bit nervous about this because I know how I get when I go into writers mode. When I am so focused on my projects that days will go by without me communicating with people, and not even really think anything of it. Whatever the case, this is going to be fun. Interesting if nothing else. One good thing is that it will cause me to spend more time outside. Especially now that the weather is nice. Wait a minute, is this excitement I feel? I’ll definitely keep you posted and hopefully my blogs will begin to get a lot more interesting! LOL!
Peace y’all

B

April 19, 2007

Focus People

I have been following the whole Virginia Tech situation very closely and I truly have no words. As more and more information comes to light, there are all these discussions happening about how something like this can be prevented. The sad and truly scary thing is that it couldn’t have been. That man was genuinely disturbed, he hade major issues and it was not a secret. The university tried to get him help and they acknowledged that he had issues, but really it is impossible to truly imagine that something that this could ever happen. One of the truly sad things about this type of situation is the aftermath. I was on campus the other day leaving a meeting and I was walking behind two students who were discussing Virginia Tech and the things that were coming out of their mouths was really sad. Now all of a sudden every Asian student who walked past them was a potential killer and they were saying that the Asian students needed to be monitored more closely. This is exactly the problem with our society. Because one person does something horrible, now all of a sudden, every person who looks like them, or fits their racial profile, is the same exact way. How can we get this to stop? You now have the entire country of South Korea jumping through hoops trying to make sure that we (AMERICA) understands that they had nothing to do with this incident. Of course they didn’t! And why are they going through all of this? Because they know how we are. Suddenly things will get funny with South Korea because of one incident. I’m not downplaying what happened. It was horrible and unbelievable and I know that it will be a long time coming before true healing comes, but we need to look at the individual for his choices and leave it at that. That man made those choices and decided to do what he did. He did it on his own, for his own beliefs and his own reasons. It is so easy to point fingers and place the blame on whatever you can, as long as its not you. As long as it’s clear that you are and your people had nothing to do with this, it’s all good. Instead of pointing fingers and placing blame why don’t we focus on what’s important? People lost their lives, people were injured, people are scarred for life. There is no point in trying to point fingers and place blame. We know who did it, and we know why. The questions have been answered. Now its time to really focus and begin to heal.

Peace Y’all

B

April 10, 2007

Wouldn't it be nice....

Wouldn’t it be nice....

Wouldn’t it be nice if your favorite books and movies and television shows came with a wrap up disc? For example, have you ever read a book and as soon as you finished the last sentence a million questions began running through your head? Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a nice little synopsis that let you know if Carrie and Big’s relationship worked out, or if Charlotte and Harry got their baby? Or what really happened to the family in the Darkest Child?  It is slightly irritating to get all wrapped up in the lives of these fictitious characters and then be left unsatisfied at the end of their story. I’m just sayin....

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a website where you could type in the last book you read and it would create a reading list of books you would like based off of your last read. Kind of like Netflix. It would be nice to have that type of decision made for you. Imagine how much more money the literary industry would make if it was that easy. How many times have you wandered into Barnes and Noble and walked out with nothing because the selection was just overwhelming? Maybe I could make that website happen. Hmmm....Yancie? You down?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if people were punished properly for their crimes? For example, Don Imus goes on air and decides that it is perfectly acceptable to call Black women “nappy Headed ho’s” and instead of being fired, he is suspended for two weeks. His job is supposedly dangling in the balance, but as long as he keeps his word that he won’t do it again, he’ll be back on the air in two weeks. The funny thing is that if we were all honest, his fro rivals my own, so which would you like to be Imus...the pot or the kettle?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice of ‘society’ didn’t exist? If society didn’t exist then the pressure we put on ourselves would no longer exist. So as I sit at home watching Corrine Bailey Rae’s new video I wouldn’t hear my friends say, “Okay, girl, I see you with the crooked teeth. Go ahead, represent.” I hadn’t even noticed her teeth, I was focused on how cute her dress was...Or when watching John Legend I wouldn’t hear “Um, John sweetie, we could have done a crunch or two before shooting this video.” I was focused on how cute the video was. If society didn’t exist, our focus wouldn’t be on the physical, but rather, on something more important?

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have the best of both worlds? If I could have my way, my Rose would move back to the bay and we could go back to the days of chicken nuggets and pasta roni. Don’t forget the Sunset Blush. I would really love to go back to those days.

 

Wouldn’t it be nice if possums didn’t exist?!! My walk this morning turned into a jog as I passed a car and looked down and saw the beady eyes of a possum looking at me. Then this thing had the audacity to take a step toward me as though he was challenging me. Why are there possums in Oakland anyway?! And any possum brave enough to venture his way through Oakland is not one I’m trying to mess with! Paula did not raise a fool! I broke out and made it down to the lake in record time. But again I ask, why are there possums in OAKLAND?!

 

I’m just sayin’

Peace Y’all
B

 

 

April 09, 2007

Plight of the Narcoleptic

Disclaimer: I was too sleepy to edit this...so....yeah... 

Man, I have no idea what it is about today, but I cannot get it together. I woke up half an hour late, but decided to get up and walk anyway. I made it slowly through my walk, listening to about 50 songs on my mp3 player, practically sleeping as I strolled, barely making it through. When I got home, it took me forever to get into the shower, get out of the shower, get dressed and get out of the door. As I was driving, I was incredibly sleepy and I had no idea why. I went to bed pretty early, but who knows. I got to work and realized that I left my laptop at home and am now going back to the days of the underground using one of the main computers to type this blog. My boss keeps sticking his head in on me, sure that I am doing something I shouldn’t, (I am, but for real, back up off me) so I keep another work related document open and ready to go, just in case. 8 weeks and counting. I think I may just go home now and work from home because whatever this heaviness is, I can’t fight it. I’m about to go to sleep as we speak? Is it because I’ve been working out 5 days a week? I thought working out was supposed to give you more energy and make you love life more! Since I got serious, I’ve been crazy sleepy and unable to wake completely up. What’s up with that? Maybe it’s my diet too. I’ve been living on strawberries and whipped cream since our book club meeting on Saturday. In fact, yesterday was the first real meal I’d had for at least a couple of days (Shout out to my bay area mama for the Easter Feast!) Whatever it is, I can’t call it, but I’m tired of waking up in my own apartment, trying to figure out where I am. This is crazy. Normally in this situation, I would simply stop working out and go back to my old ways, but my walks in the morning have become ‘my time.’ I can work out whatever thoughts have been muddled in my head; I can plan out everything I need to get done for the day; basically that is my alone time to not have to do anything but be me and having that time gets me through the day. But, um, something is going to have to work itself out because I can’t feel great for an hour and a half and feel like a zombie for the other 22 and half. Something has got to change. Yeah, I think I’m going to home and work from home the rest of the day. My narcolepsy is keeping me from being productive in the office. LOL! Hopefully I’ll get it together! Peace!

B

April 02, 2007

ABC, ABY

ABC, ABY

 

            As I sit back and bask in my “Tsunami of Swagger” (shout out to Will Ferrell) I can’t help but to be excited about the change in season. I took the last few days off from work and really soaked in life. I went wherever the wind blew me, woke up when I wanted and found myself to be incredibly productive, I could certainly get used to that. It seems like this good feeling is contagious because it seems like the bay is chillen as well. All is well in the “Town”.

            I’ve also been in a very creative place lately. I’ve been blessed to have all different sources of inspiration, a lot of that coming from music. The other morning, I woke up before the sun and for some reason, could not go to sleep. So, I did the unthinkable and got dressed and went for a walk around the lake. I recently finally figured out how to use my MP3 player and put more than one album on there so I’ve been enjoying my non stop mix of all of my favorite songs. So anyway, as I walked one of Mos Def’s songs came on and although I’d heard that particular song a bunch of times, this was the first time I’d actually listened to it. He was talking about the lessons he would teach his kids and how these lessons need to be taught in schools around the country and adopted by adults as well. The lessons of ABC and ABY, Always Be Cool, Always Be You. For some reason this concept really soaked into my mind and I felt it. Always Be Cool, and Always Be You and it seems like things fall into their proper perspectives. It did for me at least! LOL. I realized that I haven’t been practicing what I preach, so I’m going to start! I’m going to do me and see what happens from there. But I must warn all of those in my vicinity that the Tsunami of Swagger is strong and you may just get sucked in! LOL!

            I pray all is well with everyone!

PeACE

B

March 27, 2007

It's All politics to me....

It’s all politics to me...

            As the primary elections begin to loom in the horizon, the candidates are suddenly everywhere, telling me why they are the best person for the job. Of course, a lot of people are amped that there is a legitimate Black candidate who is supposed to represent the black vote. And of course we can’t forget get old Hilary who is supposed to be the first legitimate female candidate who could really shake things up in the White house. But I have to be honest, neither one of them has stolen my heart. On one hand Hilary, my girl, the one who held it down when Bill was in office, is now looking  a little shaky bakey. At one time, Hilary was pretty gangster in her approach to life. She held firm to her beliefs and dared anyone to question her on it. But then as she started moving up in power, she started altering this a little and agreeing with that and now all of a sudden, the woman who was so Anti-war voted yes to give the president authorization to go ahead and fund the war....what? Barbara Lee was the only Senator to have the balls to stand up and say That Ain’t right. Also, aside from the Global Healthcare issues, Hilary’s political platform is more so catered to the upper middle class Americans leaving a lot of us in the cold.

And then there is Mr. Obama. Now, I have to say that I don’t know much about this candidate. I have been told that his platform is definitely geared toward the working middle class group of people and of course he is concerned with education and global healthcare, but I have to be honest, something about him just doesn’t allow me to care. He has not piqued my interested enough to make me want to research him and figure out what he’s about. It seems as though he believes that he already has the Black vote in the bag, so there is no need to truly reach out to Black community, but that is where he’s wrong. If you don’t show any concern for issues within the Black community, if you do not attempt to incorporate yourself into the black community by attending events or making appearances, then to me, you are all talk. There seems to be some sort of disconnect there between him and the black community. I understand that he identifies with the Black community and he definitely claims that part of his identity, but talk and action are two completely different things. I’m just saying.

One thing that is certain is that there is a lot of potential for great changes in this country, but unless one of these candidates steps it up, things just might turn out to be the same thing, different day.

March 22, 2007

This touched me

This is an email that Tyler Perry sent out on his mailing list. I needed to read this this morning. Peace.

 

 

This morning I awoke and was so frustrated about all of the stuff that 
I'm dealing with in trying to get this studio open. I was about to 
open my mouth and start complaining when I remembered something that 
happened to me about a year ago.

I was walking to my car when this woman who appeared to be homeless 
started walking towards me. I'm ashamed to say this but I thought, "I 
don't feel like being hustled today." Then I got quickly convicted. I 
felt guilty so I started digging in my pocket for some money. As she 
got closer I noticed that she had the kindest eyes that I had ever 
seen. As I was reaching into my pocket she started to speak. I 
thought, "Here goes the sales pitch". She said "Excuse me sir, I need 
some shoes. Can you help me?" My eyes filled with water because I 
remember being out on the streets and having only one pair of run over 
shoes.  I was taken aback for a second.

I took her inside the studio and had my wardrobe people find shoes in 
her size. As she put the shoes on she started crying, praising God and 
thanking Jesus, and saying, "My feet are off the ground!  My feet are 
off the ground!" Several of the wardrobe people started crying. I was 
crying. But I never forgot those word. "My feet are off the ground!"

I thought, "Wow! All she wanted was some shoes."  She quickly 
disappeared and never asked me for a dime. I realized that I still had 
the money in my hand so I went out looking for her. She was gone just 
that quick so I looked all around the neighborhood for her. I found 
her standing on a corner looking down at her shoes, still crying. I 
was so touched. I asked her how she had gotten homeless. She told me 
that she had AIDS and that she was waiting to get into a shelter.  She 
said that her family had turned their backs on her and that she had no 
place to go, but she knew that God would make a way for her. I said to 
myself, "He just did." Her faith and her praise moved me.

I took her to a nearby hotel and put her up until she was able to get 
on her feet.  I had someone that worked for me to check on her from 
time to time and to make sure that she had food and clothes. After 
about a month or so we lost touch, but I never forgot her.

This past summer I was shooting "Daddy's Little Girls" and this woman 
walks up to me smiling. I didn't recognize her face, but her eyes were 
familiar.  She had on a really nice dress and her hair was done.  It 
was her!  She told me that the little help that I had given her had 
changed her life. She was in a house now and doing very well.

I said all of that to say this. After I met this woman, every time I 
think about complaining and mumbling I remember, "My feet are off the 
ground!"

I wanted to share this with you just to let you know that when I say 
that I am thankful for you, I mean it. And when I say that you are a 
blessing to me, I mean it.  We take so much for granted sometimes that 
I just wanted all of you to know that I am grateful to God for you 
everyday.  Thank you for being in my life.

TP

March 19, 2007

Perspective

Losing someone has a way of putting everything into perspective. It’s amazing how many emotions come to light when you are dealing with the death of a loved one. Things you never even realized you felt come spilling over and the only thing you can do is turn to the rest of your loved ones and truly love them.

            In times like these, everything gets really hectic and emotions run high. There are arrangements to be made and loose ends to tie up and everyone has an opinion about how things should happen. But once everything is in place, and the goodbyes have been said and the memories have been relived, things start to come to perspective. For me, I realized just how important my family is to me. We tend to take people and things for granted. We just know that they will be here with us forever, so yeah, I’ll call Nana next week when I get some time, but there are hard core moments like these that show and prove that life is definitely not like that. Each moment and day we have to tell someone we love them is precious. In times like these, petty arguments and grudges just don’t seem important anymore. Not speaking to someone for years because you are mad at them, just doesn’t seem to make sense. What do we honestly gain from being mad? And the truth is, for the most part, after a while, we forget what we are mad about in the first place. Life is too short and relationships are too precious to let pride take over. Sometimes we just need to get over ourselves and learn to be humble. I’m sorry is hard thing to say, but you have to wonder if the relationship you will gain from speaking those two words is more valuable than being able to say, I was right.

March 14, 2007

Hard times

Times have been a little rough lately. Last Wednesday, yes Wednesday as in a week ago, I was struck down with a terrible migraine headache. Thinking I could just gangster it with some Ibuprofen and sleep, I took a couple of days off from work and hit the couch. Saturday, I attended a bridal shower and felt fine, UNTIL I got home and laid down. When I woke up, my headache was back with a vengeance and it was just getting started. I thought I could pretend everything was cool, and just head to church, but somewhere along the way, I forgot that I went to a black church, that uses microphones and plays music. I almost ran out of there screaming, but the weakness in my knees prevented that from happening. Monday, I finally buckled down and went to the doctor, and for any of you who knows me well, you know how bad my head must have been for me to venture out to the doctor. So I’m sitting in the little exam room and the doctor comes in slamming doors and screaming at me and I couldn’t understand why. Of course I realize that this was simply from my heightened sensitivity to light and sound, but I was not a fan. So she prescribes vicodin and some other pain killer and sends me on my way. I get home, take the drugs and am literally comatose for the next seven hours. To give you a better example of just how asleep I was...there was construction going on inside of my apartment building AND I had seven missed calls and three text messages on the cell phone that was three inches from my face and did not hear any of it. Your girl was knocked out. The next day was Tuesday and I was still suffering from the headache. So last night, it hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn’t see out of my left eye and basically, my life was in shambles. So, I went back to Kaiser this morning, got another doctor, a really cool black man who is a Cal alum, go bears, and he could not understand why the other doctor gave me pain medication. He shook his head, ran some tests and prescribed some migraine medication for me. So, 90 dollars later, two doctors appointments and countless hours of sleep later, I should be on my way to recovery. At least I am coherent enough to write this blog, so that’s something right? But I was also instructed to stay away from coffee, chocolate and all other forms of caffeine for the next few weeks, so that should be interesting. But the good thing is that in all of those hours of sleep, I had a lot of dreams of projects I am about to start working on, so all of this was not in vain. I just hope these little pills he gave me start to kick in. Anyway, pray for me y’all!

Peace,

B

March 07, 2007

Just a blog

Here I am, sitting at work, in between meetings, listening to jazz, watching the sun set and coming down from my coffee high. The low buzz from my heater and cloudy sky is not helping. A slight heaviness rests upon my brow causing my head to nod slightly. Yes, I am sleepy. I really like days like this though, those days where you can curl up in sweats with a cup of tea and a good book. I realize that I need some down time. I’ve been so busy just living my life, that I don’t have much down time. Not that I am complaining. Just the opposite. I have been so creatively busy that the only time I slow down is to sleep, so it doesn’t even really feel like work. I really love the place I’m in. God and I have been chillen, working things out, Blair (my car) and I have been getting to know each other, even Dino has been chillen. Life is good.

            The other day a friend of mine asked me to write a short piece, a music review, for the magazine she works for and of course I jumped on it with two feet and a pogo stick. It was funny because as I sat there listening to the music and working on my review, I had a moment. I realized that I was exactly where I wanted to be. I literally worked on those two reviews all day and finished my article for the magazine in New York that I write for. I was in heaven. I realized that the decisions I have been making recently are God decisions and this transition I am making is a God move. I feel like for the first time I can and am willing to call myself a writer. I know that it is going to take time for things to fall into place and for me to get where I want to get, but I’m okay with that because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am on track. And happy no less. So as I sit here at work, in between meetings, listening to jazz, watching the sun set and falling desperately from my coffee high, I realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I may not have a completely clear indication of what the future holds, or how I am going to get there, but I know that I am on track. So please, check out my work, let me know what you think, because soon (and yes, I am claiming this) there is going to be much much more for us to talk about!

Peace Y’all

B

 

www.empressmag.com

 

www.vaporsmagazine.com (Anthony Hamilton review)

March 04, 2007

I Hella Heart Oakland

I feel like I have been away for a while. I haven’t blogged because I have been so busy (in a good way) that I’ve been neglecting my duties. But I have to say that things are going really well. I am settling into the new apartment, I am thoroughly enjoying the freedom of having a vehicle and umerah...God is constantly shining down on me, so I can’t complain. All is well on the writing front, and I will have some things to share with y’all coming up soon, so no worries. All of this time away has not been idol time. So stay tuned.

Now that I am living in Oakland, I have to say that I am quite surprised at the vast differences between living in Berkeley and living in Oakland. For one thing, I have seen a lot less homeless people than I’m used to. There are no more familiar faces asking for money and cussing you out when you don’t give it to them. There are also a surprisingly wide variety of birds in Oakland. I understand that this is due mostly to the central location of Lake Merritt, but in stead of simply having pigeons and Sea gulls; we have ducks, geese, some other weird looking bird with really ugly feet and some other rather large birds that have no qualms with flying extremely close to your head. I’m just saying. Another thing I have noticed is that the people of Oakland are not bad drivers. I used to think that people were just naturally retarded whenever they started driving in Oakland, but the truth is, it’s not their fault. The streets are so bad, filled with vicious pot holes and uneven gravely streets that people have to swerve all over the place and drive unreasonably slow in order to avoid leaving their transmission on the street corner. Another thing I’ve noticed is that things are open quite a bit later in Oakland than in Berkeley. I, naturally being a night owl, no longer find it necessary to get up early and find time to work. Instead, I can head over to my now local coffee shop and work until almost midnight! Touché Oakland, I see you.  I also have two words for those in the know...Merritt Bakery...*drops the mic.

*Picks mic back up after waving hands in the air in praise....Oakland also has what I like to call a middle ground. Berkeley has three areas, really expensive homes, Hood and Cal. Oakland has areas that are hood, extremely expensive and of course, all things in between. I appreciate that. Being someone who is from the streets *shout out to Amarra, Super duper fancy neighborhoods that include gated communities and neighbors meeting in their driveways in the morning to discuss current events, kind of make me nervous. Of course I have never been a fan of falling asleep to the sound of gunshots either. So where I am now, is the perfect middle ground. I love it.

All and all I have to say that I am an advocate for Oakland living. It definitely gets B’s stamp of approval. Well, I have a date with the lake, but I’ll Holla!

Peace Y’all

B

February 28, 2007

Take that time...

As we enter into our twenty’s and thirty’s there seems to be one thing on every woman’s mind, Marriage. We search for the one who will fill our empty days, warm our lonely nights and be on the other end of the phone when we call. It seems like everyone around us is suddenly becoming a couple and soon we have more weddings and bridal showers to attend than concerts and clubs. Each engagement announcement adds fuel to our single fire. The mission, and we do choose to accept, is to find a husband and stake our place in that mysterious land at the other end of the rainbow, the land of being a couple. So we buy clothes and shoes we can’t afford, go into overdraft to make sure our hair and nails are on point, grab the last single girlfriend we have and head out to various venues hoping to catch the eye of the one man who could change our lives, or at least marry us. We turn our focus on how terrible it is that we are not married, and how awful it is that we have to spend another Friday night alone and as each couple walks past us hand in hand, we find ourselves sinking more and more into depression.

            I myself have suffered from this very scenario, but then something occurred to me. I found myself inwardly becoming bitter as my outside smiled and oohed and ahhed at the opening of gifts at shower after shower. I began to wonder what was wrong with me and when was my turn coming. In my usual fashion, I began to throw myself into my work and began to bury myself in projects. I began to focus on making myself happy and soon, I realized that in taking my focus off of men and trying to twist and bend myself to fit into what I thought they wanted, I was actually becoming happy. I realized that I was supposed to be working on me. I was supposed to be focusing my attention on the goals that I had set for myself, on the dreams that I needed to see come to fruition. I realized that I didn’t have time to sit around begging some man, any man to acknowledge me, I had work to do.

In today’s society, women are in either one of two categories. One, they are on the marriage track and are focused with that single goal in mind. The other category is the career track, women who are focused on their personal goals, often sacrificing personal relationships to attain that goal. While both of these categories can be beneficial for the woman making these choices, I believe there can be a balance. Instead of going out and spending all kinds of money and altering various aspects of ourselves to make ourselves more attractive, why don’t we turn the focus back onto ourselves? I have said this a million times but any successful relationship is not made of two people completing each other. Rather, a successful relationship is two complete people coming together and complimenting each other. After the wedding photos have been placed in the album and the buzz over the day has fizzled into a happy memory, there needs to be something else to focus on besides solely pleasing your man.

            From what I understand if you really want to find a man who is about something, you yourself need to be about something. A man is often looking for his equal, a partner that he can share his life with and can build with. While it is often unsaid, for most men, the novelty of having a woman who only wants to cater to his every need will wear off quickly and then what? In a successful, healthy relationship, each individual needs to have their own agenda. There needs to be time and space together and apart. Your man needs to be your biggest fan as well as you being his and it is important to discover what your passion is, focus on that, build on that and when a relationship comes along, let it enhance what you have already built for yourself.

 

 

            There are definitely benefits to being single, and the most important benefit is having time to find yourself. When you understand who you are as woman, your likes, your dislikes, your desires and dreams, then and only can you be a good wife and partner.

February 16, 2007

I was rollin' around when it occured.....

So I was walking around today thinking about moving and starting my new life when a completely random thought occurred to me. Now you all know that I have ADD, so this might be a little random. Okay, so as I was walking I saw a picture of Martin Luther King Jr. which immediately sent my mind to the MLK episode of the boondocks, which immediately sent my mind to the Uncle Rukus version of that episode on the DVD. Now if you aren’t familiar with Uncle Rukus from the Boondocks, he is a character who is suffers from a severe racial identity crisis, and I mean severe. Uncle Rukus is extremely controversial because of statements about how inept Black people are in regards to Whites. His statements are extremely harsh and he has no connection with the fact that he is a black man. So anyway, as I was walking a thought hit me, every day, we are just like Uncle Rukus. I know that I am quick to shut down black men and talk about their flaws and how they need to get it together. I used to be just as terrible when it came to sisters, but in my ripe old age, I have really learned to appreciate and admire their strength, but I digress. As I walked along I realized that each negative word I say about a brother, not only tears them down, but tears me down as well. How many good days are missed because I am spending my time rolling my eyes and throwing bad attitudes toward my brothers? How many times have negative comments about Black men flown off of my lips without a bat of my eyelashes? I wonder how productive and pleasant of a person I would be if everywhere I went someone was constantly pointing out my flaws. We are extremely rough on each other and it wasn’t until this moment that I realized that that very concept was the point of Uncle Rukus’ character. To point out how terrible we are to each other, how quick we are to tear each other down and talk down about another black woman because she does not think the way you do or do the things you do. There are so many dividing lines within our community and it honestly amazes me how quick we are to jump on opposite sides of that line and point fingers at each other. Come to think of it, I guess Willie Lynch’s plan worked out. We have turned young against old, woman against woman, man against man and man against woman. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just something to think about.

Peace Y’all

B

February 14, 2007

Like Andre Said...Every Day IS the 14th

For some reason, this blank page has been haunting me today. I know its Valentine’s Day, or Single’s Awareness day as my girl Porscha so eloquently labeled it, but I am not having the terrible day I anticipated. In fact, it’s actually been kind of good. I got some free candy, a paper rose that smells like heaven, an electronic cup of coffee that made my day and a ton of text messages and emails that have really lifted my spirits. I am however, still wearing my black in solidarity with all of my other singles...Single’s Awareness Day represent! But I digress. The truth is, I seriously had this whole 10 reasons why I despise Valentine’s Day list ready to go, including some very interesting political commentary about the commercialism of our country and how we create ways to waste money and a lovely synopsis on the mental strain and influx on prozac sales this made up holiday creates, but I don’t know, it just doesn’t seem right. Today has been a good day and as much as it pains me to admit it...I’m feeling the love. Hurricane Oakland has passed by leaving a bright blue sky, a soft breeze, smiles and hugs and I may have even heard a bird or two chirp. Okay not really because all we have are seagulls and pigeons and those monsters don’t chirp, but you get my point.  But as much as I want to just out of tradition and basic instinct, I can’t hate on this day. Having said that...and please mark this date because this will probably be the only time you will ever hear (read) me say this...Happy Valentine’s Day!!! Be sure to go out to your local Target or Walgreens to stock up on your 50% off candy and treats, (I don’t support this day enough to pay full price, please don’t get it twisted.  To all of my Family, Friends, 04’s, and Rosa’s...you already know....

 

Peace Y’all

B

February 13, 2007

B in 10

 

A friend of mine asked me to help him out with an assignment for one of his classes and he asked me to describe myself in 10 sentences. I thought this would be an easy assignment, but as it turns out...not so much. So ladies and gentleman, I present to you, Brandelyn in 10 sentences...

 

 

I am a writer, a dreamer, a thinker and a doer.

 

I love hard and long and without fear, until you hurt me and then I have the ability to erase you from my memory.

 

I am dramatic and loud, quiet and reflective.

 

I wear jeans instead of shaving and have only recently acknowledged the fact that I truly am beautiful.

 

I take pride in my scars and smile at the memories of my tomboy past.

 

I am selfish and never wrong and willing to give you everything I have if you need it.

 

I am slowly growing comfortable in my own skin and am learning to ignore the constant questions and suggestions regarding my weight.

 

I am deathly afraid of being average.

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve and often marvel at how strong it is.

 

God’s presence in my life is the ultimate definition of who I am and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

 

 

Peace y’all

 

B

 

 

 

 

February 12, 2007

Just....Sigh....

            Alright! So, the last few weeks, my life has been a swirl of tomfoolery, ballywho, blessings and of course, Hi-jinx. In order to give you the full gamut of my world, I will break things up into categories...

  1. Housing: So, two weeks ago, I’m in my apartment, twisting my hair, watching desperate housewives and getting ready for the upcoming week. All of a sudden, I hear the dude who lives upstairs come flying down the stairs and he is cussing and screaming. I let out a sigh, and turn up my television. Now, as a sidebar, my reaction to this scene should let you know that this type of behavior is nothing new. So I’m chillen, and all of a sudden, I hear, “well get out the car then...” So, I feel like this might be more then your average situation. So I go to my bedroom, look out of window and I see my neighbor all in the car window of some man who is just trying to park his car on the street. Suddenly, my neighbor opens the guys car door, pulls him out of the car and starts fighting him in the street! The guy gets on his feet and is about a foot taller then my neighbor and gets him in a headlock and is like “what is this? Are you serious? You need to stop!” So my neighbor gets out of the headlock, runs to his car and pulls out some sort of weapon. It was too dark for me to see what it was, but the guy threw his hands in the air in surrender, dove into his car and drove the hell off, driver’s side door open and everything. It was a mess!!!  So right afterwards, Crazy goes over to my other neighbors apartment and knocks on his door and says “I know you saw what happened, but I wanted us to get our story straight before the police come...” what? All of my other neighbors were home and we were all on the phone with each other like... did this really happen? So, the crazy man who lives upstairs has taken it a little too far and I really don’t know what it is about me and living with or near crazy people, but I am moving to Oakland where it’s safe....
  2. Business: So, it’s Friday, and I’m at work, settling in, logging onto my email. I have zero messages. That’s weird because I haven’t checked my email in a day and a half, but whatever charge it to the game. So I log onto my website and some picture of rolling green hills and flowers pops up, what?!@! So I log onto Yahoo and find out that the domain name on my site expired, so they just pulled the switch on my whole operation. No website, no blogs, no email, no life. So I call Yahoo, and they tell me that they have no idea what is going on. So they tell me to call another company that I apparently bought my domain name from. So I call them, wait on hold for half an hour to be told that some other company holds the domain name and I have to email them....okay...I DON”T HAVE EMAIL!!!!!!!! So I had to open up a gmail account, email the other company, and renew my domain name. Let me just state for the record, that technology is not the business. I’ve decided that I am going to revolutionize the entire writing industry and write my next book by hand. Just have 5 or 6 composition notebooks wrapped together with a rubberband and go to Kinko’s and have people make copies if they want to read it! Bump all that! I am so over technology! That’s right! I said it!!!
  3. Men: Yeah, I still don’t know why they exist, but whatever. My single in 07 campaign is going strong. It has only been a month and a half and I have already made a major career move, upgraded both my living and transportation situations and been overall a very productive human being. I think being single and unavailable suits me.

So, to sum it all up, my life right now is really hectic, but God keeps blessing me, so I can’t really complain. I’m moving into my new, Much safer, apartment on Thursday, my website is back up and running and my blogs have been restored. I know now more than ever never to trust technology and I will continue to be the same old G. Until next time...

Peace Y’all
B

February 01, 2007

Click... A short story

The following is a short story I am working on. I re-read it and realized how much it represents my life right now in this moment. I hope you enjoy!

 

 

“Click.”

            She pressed her back against the hardness of the door, facing silence. She breathed it in, taking long, deep, slow breaths, hoping that it would fill her up, quiet the questions that were swirling in her head, open up the door that had been closed for so long. She breathed, closing her eyes and feeling the involuntary curl of her lips. Her eyes opened and gazed at silence standing before her like a lover with a surprise behind his back. Her smile spread completely across her face and released the air she had been holding hostage in her lungs.

            From the beginning of time, she had been told that she was the one. She was the one who would break through the barriers, redirect the path, create a new definition and ending to the saga that was her legacy. She was the one. She had no choices, it was her destiny, so she fought. She fought through all of the no’s, all of the unanswered questions, all of the doubt, she fought. She fought, she prayed, she cried, she struggled, walking blindly through a flurry of assignments flying around her head, papers leaving a trail behind her, clocks ticking loudly reminding her that she always had something to do, somewhere to be, some goal to accomplish, some goal to meet, so all she could do is fight. So she fought, she prayed, she cried and she struggled all the way across the stage in her gown and cap representing traditions she didn’t understand but she knew that she had done the right thing when the man she had never met, nor seen before handed her the tiny rolled up scroll of paper and said “Congratulations.” She blinked at him and forced a smile onto her face. Congratulations, she thought, congratulations. The word seemed empty, light and fluffy like the clouds in the sky she used to watch as a kid, but had forgotten about until that moment. Congratulations, there is still work to be done.

            Filled with the fear of children too soon, a marriage that died too soon, dreams crushed by circumstance and buried in the grave of her hope, she fights. She fights and she cries and she climbs her way to the top, pausing every now and then to take in the view from her corner office in the sky, hoping that her jacket does indeed cover the coffee stain on the silk blouse she was told she should wear, she has no time to breathe. Cell phones ringing, emails beeping, fax machines whirring, every moment filled with the sounds of a need, of a desire, of the expectation of someone else, the sounds of her success. She is satisfied, content that finally the expectations have been fulfilled and the eyes that rest on her are always filled with pride and the hands that are extended in front of her are filled and as she takes that moment, pausing to take in the view from her corner office in the sky, she remembers in that moment to breathe. One inhale turns into another and her lungs begin to fill, and soon she becomes addicted to this feeling of being alive. She blinks as each inhale clears away a little piece of dust, lifts a little bit of the fog and as her eyes met her won in its reflection, she leans closer and sees that nothing is there. She had never given it a space to grow and define itself and as she stared at her reflection, she prayed for a glimpse, something to bring her hope, but nothing was there.

            Everyday, sitting in her corner office with the view she gazed at her reflection hoping for the promise of the light but everyday there was nothing there. She continued to stare and found herself becoming irritated by the interruptions of noise. The ringing sound shook her to her core, each beep that chimed from her computer caused her to wince, the buzzing reminded her of fat flies in the summer that never allowed you to finish your nap and suddenly, she realized that she’d missed it. She’d missed her opportunity to claim herself.

            The ringing, the dinging, the whirring, the expectation, the acclaim, the tangible definitions of her success, all maintained and achieved at the expense of her soul. She sat in her corner office with the view and slowly her eyes began to scan the space she has been granted. The space she was allowed to rent until someone better came along to replace her, until she was no longer able to do her job, until, she finally woke up and realized that after all of the tears, the sweat, the blood, she was only take up space. Doing the job until the next one came along to take her place. She had become the educated robot she’d feared, she was one of them. She stared, pausing from her day, the filing, the copying, the scheduling, the meeting, the climbing, the defining herself by the terms of success, she stared, locked eyes with her degree. Her pride and joy, the physical representation of her worth. She gazed at the piece of paper that she had gazed at a million times and found her smile through, the piece of paper that gave her the ability to create respect, to fill in the gaps, to respond to the obligation, it lay before her in the form of a slip of paper.

            She stared at it and began to breathe. Each breath filled her up and began to inflate the parts of her that were long dead. The thumping sensation of her heart woke her up and began to drown out the sounds of her success and for the first time she allowed herself to breathe out. The air inside her blew away the piles that had accumulated on her desk leaving it empty and clear. The air inside her blew away the dust that covered the mirror in front of her and as she leaned closer to gaze at the reflection, she leaned closer and was caught off guard by its presence. There it was. She had to lean very close to see it, but it was there. A small almost invisible twinkle in her eye, she had found it. The sight of it filled her up and as she continued to stare, she smiled for the first time since she could remember, she genuinely smiled and watched as the twinkle in her eye began to grow. She knew now, that it was time for her to find it. It was time for her to discover the power of it, she had to find, her.

            The first step was heavy. Her foot clumped down harshly seemingly shaking the foundation beneath her, the second step doing the same. Fear sat down heavily on her shoulder and crushed her ability to hold her head high and once again she paused. Looked down at the world she had created and wondered if it was worth it. She had grown accustomed to the stability, to the certainty to the knowing, she paused, sucking in the air and listening to the beating of her heart, shaking from the reality of her own fear. She steps, shivering from the iciness of doubt that began raining down on her, making her long for the warmth of her accomplishments, she steps. Shaking from the presence of anxiety that has stirred up around her, she steps; anxious to find that twinkle, to create that definition, she steps. Each step leading her away from the creation and into the truth, she steps.

            The further she stepped the smoother the steps became. The letter of resignation floated to the ground behind her as she finally broke free and began to run. The crispness of the air around her made her stop, the lightness of the air, the coolness of the breeze, the presence of those light and fluffy clouds she once adored greeted her and hugged washing away the presence of her fears, she laughed. Running home, she knew that silence was waiting for her. She knew that the disappointment of those that were depending on her would be drowned out by the silence. She just had to get there. She knew that the discovery of her soul was waiting in the silence, she just had to get there. One more step....just one more.

            “Click.”

            There it was. She stared at it, breathing it in, allowing it to envelop her senses and erase everything except the two of them, she smiled at it. Smiling with a full blown twinkle in her eye, she knew she was there.

            “Congratulations,” it said, “congratulations.”

            Her smile faded as the weight of the words weighed down on her. Congratulations, this was the beginning. I’d finally done something right. Congratulations and welcome home.

                                                      

January 24, 2007

Stop...Think about it...

What if?

            Every month when I receive my Essence Magazine in the mail, I turn to the back and settle in to read the In The Spirit Column. I recently discovered that Susan L. Taylor produced an entire book based on this column so you know I ran out and got it. As I began to read, one of her essays asked the question, “How would you live if you felt you could trust life fully? If you believed you were totally protected and secure, that forevermore your life would be filled with love and prosperity?”

            I thought about this and thought about the things that are going on in my life and I really began to ponder the question “What if?” What if I was able to live life under the guise that everything was simply going to work out in the end and that every single thing that happened in between was meant to serve as a lesson to help grow and mature me? What if I lived as though I believed love were not just a fantasy created by the media, but was something real and true that could be attained and held on to? How much greater would my life be if I stopped living in what I thought was actually happening and rested in what was going to happen? That would be an amazing life.

            The reality for me is that I focus on the negative. I say this over and over again, but the fact remains that this statement is overtly true. Instead of being grateful that I woke up this morning in my own bed, in my own apartment, wearing my own clothes, I grumble because I have to get up and go to my Job, and my house is a mess because all of the things I have been blessed with are all over the place and I have a closet full of clothes but can never find anything to wear. I get irritated waiting for the bus with the free bus pass that I was blessed with that will get me anywhere I need to go for free from now until September. I grumble about being overweight and out of shape when I have full use of all of my entire body and will soon have the time to get back into the gym. I roll my eyes at the idea of love because of all of the men in my past, yet I fail to realize how much more mature and focused and aware I am because of each one of them. In my everyday life, I chose to complain and grumble instead of looking at the many, many blessings I have everyday.

            The truth is that things are the way they are in my life because of my perception. I have all of the power and ability to make the changes I want to see happen in my life. Currently right now I am in the midst of a huge leap of faith. There is no definite solution to the changes I have decided to make, but I am making them anyway based on the simple fact that God said not to worry and to remain focused on him and that everything will fall into place if I remain faithful and the most important thing is that God cannot tell a lie. So I am resting in that. In the eyes of most my leap may seem unwise and a really bad decision. Lucky for me, I don’t see things through the eyes of others. I am able to make this transition through my faith and by only telling a select trusted few. There is no room for negativity where I’m headed, so for the most part, I’m keeping things to myself.

            When you chose to live your life not based on how you think things are, but how they truly are, you will begin to find that peace you have been looking for. When you try to live your life like it’s Golden, breathing in the air and stopping to enjoy the little moments, you will begin to feel those burdens life, even just for a moment. We are in control of our lives, more than we think. And the funny thing is that Thinking is the first step in making those changes.

Peace Y’all

B

January 15, 2007

To all of my fellow Artists

Today was one of those days that I needed. The majority of it was spent at a training for my job and one portion of this training was an alumni panel. As I sat there listening to the doctors and lawyers and PhD's I realized that although it does not get the same amount of attention and accolades as other professions do, what I do, is just as important.

For the past few days I have been incredibly wound up tight. I have been stressed out, overwhelmed, irritated, anxious, all those things and tonight, a friend and I went to see Gerald Albright in concert and from the moment he stepped onto the stage, I instantly felt better. Each note that was played by that incredible band allowed me to breathe just for a moment and as we walked to the car, it dawned on me again, that my work and the work of the artists of this world, is just as important.

Going to a school like Berkeley you are constantly being bombarded with questions about what you are going to do after you graduate. There is this unspoken pressure to attend Graduate or Law or Medical school and 'make something of your life'. And those of us who don't feel called to follow that path are somewhat dismissed for not following the status quo. I get asked almost daily about my plan for going to Grad school and almost daily the person asking gets the same answer. I'm a writer.

What people don't realize, or really care to acknowledge is that when you are stressed out from your job and your day what do you turn to? A movie or a book or a CD or a concert. Something that does not remind you of the pressures of your day, something that allows you to release whatever is going on and take a moment to breathe. That is where I and other artists come in. We remind you that it is okay to live to laugh to love to just be and we remind you of what it is like to have all of those things. Artists keep the world spinning and for all of my fellow artists out there, don't let anyone tell you differently. What we do is just as important as anyone else's profession and we should not allow anyone to tell us differently. Having to defend myself and allowing Gerald Albright's music to flush out all of the negativity was more that healing for me. It allowed me to kick start my passion for what I do. I am doing exactly what I want to be doing in the way I want to be doing it. My job is to heal, to connect, to provide that means of escape and I am so happy to do it. Look out world. It's about to be on!

Peace Y'all
B

January 14, 2007

Blood Diamond

            This whole weekend has been on the lightweight stressful side. I know, how often do you really hear that about weekends but I have officially fallen into that entirely too much to do and entirely no time to do it in lifestyle. That’s right, your girl is officially overwhelmed. My boy came up this weekend and decided that he was going to kidnap me yesterday because the permanent frown line that is developing was not business. So we headed over to Bay street, sucking in as much fresh air as possible, a little bitter, but mostly refreshed by the coldness of the air, basically just happy to be outside. The plan was lunch and a movie. I chose the place to eat, and he chose the movie. It should have been flipped around. He chose to see Blood Diamond. Now, I have been on this political film kick recently, trying to expand my horizons and whatnot, but I was not at all prepared for this particular film. I had my eyes closed for most of the movie while my friend had his head buried in my shoulder. That movie was incredibly intense. I won’t give details because I don’t know who out there wants to see it, but I can honestly say that that movie has officially killed my passion for Tiffany’s. The Legacy Diamond engagement ring I’ve had millions of dreams about…yeah, I’m cool. I think I just want a twist tie or a rubber band around my finger. It’s crazy because you always hear about things, wars going on, people dying and bombs being thrown, but it never hits home because it’s not your life. While my friend and I were thoroughly upset by this film the truth was that we were able to walk out of the theatre, take deep breaths and leave all of that anxiety behind us. I’ve done my community service, building houses for impoverished families and helping the kids learn how to read, but somehow, with all of the devastation and war going on, my efforts just don’t seem like enough.

            If the movie had any purpose at all, it has really turned me off to diamonds. It just does not seem worth it. They have these supposedly ‘Conflict-free’ diamonds, but really how can you truly tell? I don’t know man, its crazy out here. But I can say, even though they are extremely stressful and dang near impossible to watch, I’m glad films like these are made. We Americans need wake up calls like this every once in a while. I’m about to go listen to some Fred Hammond and get my mind right!

 

Peace Y’all
B

January 12, 2007

Kick in the ass

“Sometimes you need a kick in the ass to get your ass moving...” Christina Livingston

            My Rrrosa Christina is one of the most brilliant and quick people I know. Whenever I call her to whine about whatever issue, she always has the right thing to say, or if not, she listens and that is the truth. The other day, I got a kick in my ass and it made me realize that I have gotten a bit comfortable, complacent. I keep expecting my goals and dreams to fall into my life, that I’ll become the over night star as my girl Alicia says. I forgot just for a moment that there are things that I need to be doing on my end so God can step in and make it happen. It just dawned on me the other day that along with everything else I have accomplished, I am going to have to fight for this. I give the cliché to my students all the time that it isn’t worth it if you don’t have to fight for it. We have to fight for things instead of just saying that we want something. Those stories of people being discovered on the back of a bus singing along with their headphones, or walk through a mall and get picked up a modeling agency are rare, and are often the one’s that we tend to cling to. We want to be discovered and whisked away into our ideal life, but let’s be realistic. In order to be discovered, you have to be doing something. I needed that kick in my ass because now I have that little fire in my belly that has been missing ever since Spoken Silence came out. I got comfortable. I have two books, a decent following and really, as a young woman who’s only been out of school for two years, that’s not a bad start. I was okay with that, and honestly thinking that okay, maybe one day some publisher will randomly come across my book, fall in love and whisk me away into my ideal life. Yeah freaking right. I have to get it together and start pushing my dream again.

So thank you Rose for reminding me that complacency has no place in ambition. Complacency is the first ingredient for mediocrity and as we know that is not the goal for 007...

Peace Y’all

B

January 09, 2007

We Got this...

...People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must hold to what is difficult; everything in Nature grows and defends itself in its own way and is characteristically and spontaneously itself, seeks at all costs to be so and against all opposition.

~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

On my way out of the house this morning, desperate for something to read besides applications, I randomly grabbed In love and Trouble by Alice Walker. This book came out in 1967 and I think I have an original copy because the pages are yellowed and brittle, and I love it! As I opened the cover, I read this particular quote and for a moment I felt like everything came together.

With most of the people in my life, we are in the processing phase. We are taking the necessary steps to put ourselves into position to accomplish our goals. We are in Grad school, or working stacking money or silently putting our pawns into position so that we can snatch up a king or queen. When I think about people that I admire, people that are already where I want to be, I often forget about the fact that each person who has made it, who had accomplished their goal, who has achieved their desire, absolutely went through a processing phase. This stage is one of the most important because it is during this phase that we truly get to know ourselves. I heard somewhere that people are like bags of tea, their true nature comes out when placed in hot water. I firmly believe this. For me personally, this processing phase has been interesting. I have been financially challenged; i.e. Broke, I have been hurt, frustrated, molded, grateful, everything that you can possibly imagine because I am working toward my goal. My goal in life is not to make money, my goal is to be happy and content with what I am doing and not have to work for someone else. My goal is to be an artist in several forms and I am not going to stop until I get to that point. The good thing for me is that I got an early start. I’m still in my 20’s, two books already on bookshelves and many more to come. Alice Walker published her first book of poems while she was a senior in college. I feel her. Her first novel, The Third Life of Grange Copeland did not get nearly the acclaim of the Color Purple and was equally as prolific if you ask me. But I digress...

The point is to all of my 04’s and recent college Alum’s and friends struggling through their residencies, and jobs they can’t stand, we are going to make it. We can deal with the crazy bosses and coworkers, the cracker jack pay checks, the uncertainty, the professors, the papers, the moving around, we can deal with all of that because we are in a stage. We are being groomed for the greatness that God has ahead for us, we just need to stay focused and get through it. Soon we will be the people that get quoted and admired and looked up to. Shoot, for the most part, most of us are already there. We will become the mentors and lend a hand to the next generation coming up behind us. Hold on to the difficult, because the easy parts of life will only get you so far, and it is clear from the positions we have already placed ourselves in, that we are all destined and desiring greatness...

Peace Y’all

B

January 07, 2007

On a sunday afternoon Blog 100

So I decided that I was going to take a break from reading applications today and go see a movie. I had a choice between Freedom Writers and the Last King of Scotland. I chose the latter. I’d heard amazing things about Forrest Whitaker’s performance so I wanted to support the brother. So, I roll to the theatre, buy my ticket and roll into the theatre. I was a bit concerned at first because the screen was only slightly larger than my television and there were only three rows of seats, but this particular film has been out for a while, so touché.  I settled in with my popcorn and was soon enthralled with this film. It was mentally stimulating which is rare now days and the story was incredible. I don’t want to give it away for any of you who may want to see it, but Forrest Whitaker was incredible. He didn’t even look like himself. It truly amazes me what people do to their bodies for the sake of a character, but for all intents and purposes he looked exactly like the man he was portraying. He said that he had to use skin darkeners to get his tone to be so dark, but we all know that it was filming the movie in Uganda during the summer, but whatever. I know that he needs to get some type of award for his portrayal, I was impressed. Its been a while since I have left a movie with a headache, but a good one from being slightly stressed and excited. Great movie.

Of course when I left the theatre, I ran into the evilest homeless man in the City of Berkeley who always wants to call somebody a Bitch or Nigga for not giving his crazy butt a quarter. As emotionally unstable as I was when I left the theatre, I actually responded to him this time. I won’t get into what I said because it is Sunday (Praise Him) but I did have to pray for repentance afterward. I mean really, how many times do I need to take him calling me a bitch, I sincerely didn’t have a quarter. Anyway, I start work tomorrow and I am everything but excited. It’s been so nice having these two weeks off, so nice....

Oh and just as a disclaimer, I took a job as a reader for the admissions office which means that I now have a 70 hour work week, at least until mid February, so the blogs may be a bit sporadic (sorry roommate), but I will try my best to keep you posted on my tomfoolery and ballywho!!

Peace Y’all

B

January 06, 2007

Addiction

A few years ago while a student at Citrus College, I used to smoke. Of course i use the term "smoke" loosely as I simply inhaled and exhaled quickly, never actually fully breathing in the vapors, but never the less, i used to smoke. I started because i was completely stressed out. I was taking 18 units, working 2 jobs and was the Student Body President of the school, all within a 5 month semester and your girl was stretched to the limit. So I picked up smoking, using the brief moments that i took out every couple of hours to just stop and breathe, inhale and exhale my little stick of nicotine and contemplate my life. Obviously I stopped smoking after the semester ended and I was allowed to chill out for a moment, but ever since then, I have not picked up another addiction. I have noticed that all great artists seem to have some sort of addiction. It's usually drugs or alcohol or something random, but there is an addiction none the less. When someone, specifically an artist is so consumed with their craft, there is always an need for escape. I thought about smoking again, but my asthmatic bronchitis basically prevents that from happening, and I had a really strong cup of coffee that tasted like cigarrettes and realized that i actually despise the taste of the things. I can't do the whole alcoholic thing mainly because i can't stand the feeling I get when I'm drunk and my head feels too heavy for my head and suddenly I become a human bobble head. No Tanto Mucho. I thought about using men as an addiction, but zzzzzzzzz...next idea...For a minute there, Feeding Frenzy 2 was my addiction. I would spend tons of time swimming through the animated ocean sucking up fish growing bigger and trying to get to the next level. But with Dino's constant attidude problems and tendency to completely shut off just at the critical moment, I had to give that up. I thought of using food as an addiction, but with the detox I'm doing, I find it hard to even eat a regular meal much less even induldge in anything extra so that won't work. Perhaps when I get my new laptop *that's right Dino...I said it... I'll be able to pick up on Feeding Frenzy 2 where I left off, but i have a feeling that without all of the constant interuptions, I'll be able to get through it pretty quickly and it won't be as fun. So I suppose for now, I will continue to bury myself underneath my work and hope that some sort of suitable addiction will come along.

Peace Y'all

B

January 02, 2007

Breathe Again

This blog is dedicated to my Old roommate Rhoda...LOL!!!
           

            I have to say that I started the New Year out on a very...what’s the word...relaxing note. We won’t use the word lazy in 07, we use the word relaxing. The entire day on New Years was spent reflecting, writing, analyzing and releasing the past year all from the comfort of my couch. In fact the only down moment of the day was watching Michigan lose, but Cal smizashed whoever we played in our bowl game, so such is life. Anywho... 2006 for me was a beast. Full of all kinds of craziness and I promise you, and I stand by this, that year was one of the longest years I have ever encountered! LOL! But I am glad it is over. I am a fan of fresh starts. From New Years day to birthdays to simple things like cleaning out the closet and getting a little bit more breathing room, fresh starts are the thing to do. So in the spirit of the new year, instead of making all kinds of worthless resolutions that we never fulfill, (I mean let’s keep it real, I’d be a size 10, would have honestly read all of the books on my bookshelf and would have organized all of my closets and cabinets, but we all know that none of this has actually gone down, but I digress) this year, I finally giving myself a fresh start. I am letting go of the mistakes I made in 2006 and I am not going to dwell on them anymore, and if you know me AT ALL, you know that that is no easy feat). I am going to pace myself and stop trying to rush to get where God wants me to get. I’ll get there when its time and in the mean time, I am going to enjoy life. I spent a so much time in 2006 looking ahead that I forgot to just chill out and take a breath. So this year, call me Toni Braxton because I am going to Breathe Again in 2007. I have a ton of books on my bookshelf that I have yet to read and I might get to a few of them, and I might not. But life is too short to live in regret. All of the choices and decisions I have made up until this point have gotten me right where I am, so things can’t be all that bad. I’m happy and I truly intend to find out what it really feels like to live life like its Golden. I don’t know if 2007 is going to be a good or a bad year. Of course it is my prayer and silent belief that it is the former, but I do know that I am going to do my best to honestly enjoy this one. To stop looking at what she has or what he has and appreciate my accomplishments and where I hope to go. My high school reunion is this year and I look at how my life has progressed over the past 10 years, I can only be thankful for where I am and what I have done. So I welcome 2007 and all of the wisdom, mistakes and freedom that will come from the next 363 days.

So Roommate, I hope this inspires you and know that I love you and kiss my Godson for me and tell him that his Godmommie loves him!
Peace y’all

B

December 25, 2006

Happy Holidays

Merry Happy Chrismahannakwanzzakah Everyone! I pray this day is filled with love and family! As my Christmas gift to all of you, i present one of THE funniest things I have seen in quite some time!!! Peace Y'all B Peace! B

December 14, 2006

Things Fall Apart

            So, as the year draws to a close (THANK GOODNESS!!!) things in my life are starting to fall apart. I don’t know if this is indicative of the year to come, or if it is a simple physical representation of 2006, I personally pray it’s the latter, but in any event, Like the novel says, things fall apart.

Glasses: The other night I was sitting at my laptop Dino, getting my work on and suddenly, my glasses just slid off of my face, silently, almost angelically, cascading gently to the ground. I looked at them and saw that one of the arms had fallen off and was subsequently still stuck in my hair. These were my favorite pair too, the transition glasses, you know the ones that turn into sunglasses when you go outside...yep, those. No worries though. I have a back up pair, my second favorite glasses that have become my back up glasses. I put them on, settle back in in front of Dino and I promise you thirty seconds later, the same exact freaking thing happens!!!!!!! Come on Blood!!! Are you serious right now?! So both of my glasses decided to crumble apart and fall out from all of the hard work they put in in 2006. Sigh...

Dino: Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a love hate relationship with my laptop. With all of the freezing and internet problems and attitude problems, Dino and I have had more than out fair share of fights! Well, I think Dino is now on his way out. It has taken me a day and a half to write this blog because Dino only stays on for 20 minute intervals these days. I suppose the task of being on and computing is too much for him these days, so he just shuts off mid sentence at his whim, usually after 20 minutes of typing. No Tanto Mucho. I think my favorite part though is when Dino freezes, then turns off and then won’t turn back on. And then we won’t even get on the times when the mouse decides it only likes the right bottom corner and won’t come out until I turn him off, try for about 10 minutes to get him back on, and then we are back in business. Dino is definitely on the outs, but I do have to thank him for all of his hard work. Spoken Silence was produced on his hard drive and for that I am thankful. It looks like I am able to produce one book per laptop! LOL!! DIZAMN Dino just froze again!!!!!!!

While both of these things may seem like minor deals, for me it is my life. I can’t see or write without either one of these things! Ah well. Hopefully the LONGEST YEAR EVER will draw to a close quickly (here’s hoping) and I will be able to recollect myself and get it together in 07. Okay, all this freezing and rebooting is not the business, so I will end this here!

Peace Y’all!
B

December 11, 2006

Just Curious

I happened upon this website today and was curious. If you follow the link below you can pick words that best describe me. I'd love to see what people think!

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Beencee

 

Peace Y'all

 B

December 08, 2006

Community In Question

            I find myself becoming frustrated with the lack of action within the Black community. I’ve always said that I was born too late. I could have totally seen myself as a part of the civil rights movement, but God always knows better, with my smart mouth, who knows where I would have wound up. But right now, in 2006, there is so much complacency within our community and it makes me sad. Predominately black high schools and Historically Black Colleges and Universities are losing their accreditation, while brilliant students are roaming their halls earning diplomas and degrees that mean absolutely nothing. Why does it take measures that drastic for schools to get themselves together and struggle to earn their accreditation back. How do we as parents and sibling and alumni even let the situations get that bad? Where is the accountability? Less and less black students are applying to college because they are academically unprepared and trained to think that it is acceptable not to expect more than just barely graduating from high school, and the students who are applying are not trained to think that they deserve to attend a top tier university.

 Suddenly it is alright for people to call Blacks Niggers and there is no real response from the Community except for interesting jokes from Paul Mooney. Why is it that it takes some sort of drastic situation, some shooting by the police or beating by white supremacists in Texas before the black community gets fired up enough to band together and do something? What about the everyday happenings and daily injustices that have become the building blocks for the trouble we are in now? Where is our fire now? Why aren’t questions being asked and our students being prepped to position themselves to become the next leaders? Where are our leaders? We have been resting on Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson for so long, but where is the movement? Why is that people in positions of power, positions to make change, reach a hand back and help pull the next generation in, simply are not doing it, having learned that you have to get yours and yours only and that’s just how it goes. Me first and hopefully before its too late, I’ll try and volunteer somewhere. Where is the accountability?

We have gotten so comfortable with the way things are, flying under the radar, accepting what we can get, meanwhile, our right to vote is being placed in question, the decision of Rode Vs. Wade is now being reviewed by the supreme court, Black people are being called Niggers all over television and we are just taking it. Where is the fire? When does enough become enough? Where is the responsibility they used to have back in the day when people actually looked out for each other? How did we get to this place and what can we do to fix it? I’m frustrated and I feel like my fears for the progression of Blacks in this country are my own and that in and of itself is scary.

Peace Y’all

B

December 07, 2006

Grey's Freaking Anatomy

I have a problem. Yesterday was a very long and taxing day. I got home from work, put on my ugliest sweats, (why are they always the most comfortable) rummaged through my terribly sparse freezer, came up with a chicken stir-fry, settled in with a glass of wine and turned on the television. Having no interest in anything that was coming on, America’s Next Top Model Finale, (big deal) Top Chef (it will come on 50 times this weekend) I had more important things to worry about. I was in the middle of Disc 2 of Season 2 of Grey’s Anatomy. I had to find out what was going to happen next. My problem is that I have now become addicted to the show. My head was swimming and I had a terribly painful headache from everything I had endured during the day, but all of that was erased when I heard the wonderful words “Previously on Grey’s Anatomy.” I knew I had work to do but I couldn’t bring myself to read another word. Even though I had an early morning, I somehow managed to stay up until 2:30 am watching the show because I just had to know what happened next. I called my girl to ask her if certain characters were still on the show this season because there was trouble brewing and I had to ease my mind that they would make it out of this. In fact the only reason I turned the show off and went to bed was because I had to keep rewinding to rewatch the parts I’d dosed off on. I knew it was time to let it burn. But This show is awesome. I am half asleep and quite achy as I sit here at work typing this, but my mind is at ease knowing that Dr Bailey’s husband is still alive and that Meredith survived the explosion. If you haven’t seen season 2, sorry. But I’m just sayin’! How exactly did I become so enthralled by the lives of these fictitious characters? My only dream is that someday people will be saying the same thing about my characters, but the point is this show is great and I can’t believe that I have slept on it this hard for this long. I’m so glad I am able to catch up on the seasons and understand the relationships and the stories behind them. Man, I love it! Of course this means that this is going to severely cut into my interaction with people until I finish season 2. But that is a sacrifice I am willing to make

Peace Y’all!

B

December 06, 2006

I'll do better!

I had an extremely important realization yesterday. I was sitting at my desk, at work, where I usually write my blogs, and I realized that I had absolutely nothing to write about. From there my overly analytical mind began to explore why and I realized that it is because I have not been around people for the past few weeks. I’ve been so self-absorbed and focused on my many projects that I literally been on my own private island where I am the only thing that exists. I called my grandmother last night and she told me about my life because I have only talked to her once since Thanksgiving. I am so wrong for that. Another friend of mine is upset with me because I missed the deadline to RSVP for her event, I have been so self consumed. Sadly, I don’t see it getting any better any time soon. I just started job number 3 this week and it is going to be as if not more time consuming as jobs number 1 and 2. It is a really good thing that the new job gave me a very pretty stainless steel coffee mug because I see a lot of caffeine in my near future. I’m cracked out right now on the stuff, as we speak. You have no idea how long it is taking me to type this blog! LOL!! But to all of my friends, fans and loyal reader, I apologize for my neglect. There is a method to my madness I promise and I will try to do better. There should be some tomfoolery to report in the near future and I am going to try and to a point where I can interact with human beings again, we’ll see. Last night was really refreshing for me. I went out to the city and just hung out with my girl for a few hours. And I found a brand new danger that I wish I was not aware of. If you know me at all, you know that if it wasn’t completely terrible for my eyesight I would live by candlelight. I freaking love candles, but even more specific, I love Illuminations candles. Oh these things are the greatest! Great quality, GREAT smells and not so bad prices. Since moving to the bay, they have become a distant memory since there were no locations close to home, until last night. Yeah, you guessed it. Illuminations is now open in the city, a very convenient BART trip away, and what makes it even scarier....its right across the street from my Carol’s Daughter fix. Unhunh...No Tanto Mucho...I am going to have to learn the practice of self control Post Haste. How do I get myself into these things?

            Anywho...I must biD you all a due, (did yOu catch the rhyme? Oh WHY DID I DRINK THAT INCREDIBLY STRONG CUP OF COFFEE!!!!) But I must, must must say Go Bears Pac 10 Co- Champs, congrats to you for a great season! Let’s kill em’ at the Holiday BoWl. I have To say Go Buckeyes for the National Title and of course GO BLUE for the Rose bowl, ( I can’t say wHat I really want to say oUt of respect for my reader$hip...shout out to beCcaanne whom I love dearly, but perhaps you can catch my subliminal message...LOL!!! ) But I will say that  I’m sad to see College football come to an end. What am I going to stress out about on Saturdays now? LOL!

Peace!

B

November 30, 2006

Give it up

            This week has been a crucial one. The applications for the UC’s are due tonight at midnight and its been a little hectic trying to get all of the personal statements and all of the last minute questions and trying to calm all of the anxiety that come with this time of year. I have to be honest and say that I will be very glad when its all said and done and the last student has clicked the submit button. This weekend is mine!        

            One thing I do have to say is that I love the people I have been fortunate to come in contact with for various reasons. The way their minds work and the millions of conversations I get to engage in. Yesterday was a prime example. Bogged down with phone calls and emails, I needed to get out of my office for a second. I called my co-worker and asked if he wanted to roll with me to Café Strada for some coffee. After some minor arm pulling we make our way up the hill for our caffeine fix, but more importantly, our mental breaks. As we are walking we pass by a restaurant chain that just opened on Telegraph Avenue. The line outside of this place was literally wrapped around the corner. As a grand opening promotion, the restaurant was giving away free food to students with a Cal ID. As we waited for the light to change, my co-worker says “someone needs to get a picture of that.” I look at him confused and he says, “They need to take a picture of that massive line of students, people who can definitely afford to pay to eat at this place and the homeless man who is standing on the corner begging for change.” I looked in the direction of the line and sure enough, there at the very end of the long line, stood a homeless man begging for change. He continued to say “Its really sad that they are giving away free food, just to get people to come in and buy more food, like they wouldn’t do it anyway.” As we walked, I passed by a friend of mine who told me she was on her way to get her second free meal. I joked and told her that she should give one to the homeless man on the corner, and she looked at me laughed and kept moving. When I got back to my office, I thought about it for a while and got sad.

            Here we are in the “richest country in the world”, which as a sidebar, is another really scary thought considering how much debt we have, but I digress, and we are constantly thinking of more ways to become more selfish. The very thought of using our resources to do something good for someone else and thereby having to sacrifice something from ourselves is often tossed aside. I’m guilty of it too. I have been “meaning” to go to the homeless shelter right next door to my job and volunteer at the food bank, but I’ve been too busy making my money and handling my business, but will see nothing wrong with laying around and watching TV all day. Where is the balance? When did we get to the point where our own agenda’s supersede helping the less fortunate? When did we get to the place where police are now a common sight at Wal-mart the day after thanksgiving because people fight, stab and hurt each other to get that last flash drive out of the bin? It is perfectly fine to do nice things for yourself, but when did volunteering and giving become a burden or an obligation instead of joy?

            We as a country, as a people, as human beings need to get our priorities straight. The permanence in our shift toward materialism is scary and I can only imagine what the future holds. Now that the holidays are upon us, I’d like to encourage everyone to do something out of the ordinary. Think about the people less fortunate than you and do something to help. Whether its donating clothes or food to a drive, or volunteering your time, there is a lot of work to be done. Let the holidays be your way getting the ball rolling and keep it going past Christmas. Poverty and poor education are problems that are not going to go away with a blink of the eyes. We need to start opening our eyes to the needs of those around us and start making a difference.

Peace Y’all

 

B

November 28, 2006

Controversy

By now I am sure most of you have heard about the whole Kramer incident. For those of you who haven't please follow the link to see the video of Kramer making his racist comments...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgmCBKPHnSY

 Of course the Black community is up in arms about this entire situation and rightfully so, his words were extremely vicious and obviously deep seeded. Naturally Michael Richards, also known as Kramer realized that he just ruined his career, so he quickly tried to scramble together an "apology", but let's just keep it real...the 7th season of Senfield was coming out that following tuesday and Jerry was not trying to lose any money because of that man so he was appearing on Letterman and brought his boy on the show and he had the following to say...

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EI5dGM_l9l8

 

Of course now the media is trying to get the reaction of the Black community and of all people in the world they opt to interview PAUL MOONEY and ask his opinions on the situation. That poor reporter didn't even see it coming...

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9cuX2uYOi...

 *drops the mic....

 

Peace Y'all

B

 

November 20, 2006

A Father's Rules for Dating...

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be

FedEx or UPS delivering a package, because you're sure not

picking anything up like my child like that.



Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may

glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her

neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's

body, I will remove them with sabre saw.



Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys

of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to

be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,

but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I

want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I promise to

compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing

and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However,

in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off

during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my

electric nail gun and fasten your pants securely in place to your

waist.



Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex

without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.

Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I

will kill you.



Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should

talk sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not

do this. The only information I require from you is an indication

of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,

and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."



Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many

opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long

as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out

with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her

until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make

you cry.



Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my

daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh

and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should

not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process

that can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge.

Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something

useful, like changing the oil in my car?



Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date

with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything

softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents,

policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where the ambient

temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts,

tanktops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a

sweater, and a goose down parka Zipped up to her throat. Movies

with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies

which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old

folks homes are better.



Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied,

balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been, but on issues relating

to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your

universe. If I ask you where you are going, and with whom, you

have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and

nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and ten acres

behind the house in Virginia or feed the crabs your ass off Red

Hook Pier in Brooklyn. Do not trifle with me.



Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me

to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for an armored

personnel carrier outside of Baghdad. When my Desert Storm

Syndrome starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me

to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As

soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with

both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce

in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely

and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to

come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.







APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER





Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.



1. Name:_____________________________________Date of Birth_____________



2. Height:_____________Weight:______________IQ:_____________GPA______



3. Social Security..:______________________Driver's License..:________________



4. Boy Scout Rank:________________________________



5. Home Address:_________________City/State______________Zip:______



6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE human parent?__________



7. Number of years parents married?___________ Or were you the offspring of a Booty Call gone awry?__________



8. Do you own a van?________ A truck with oversized tires?______ Or a hoopty with one brown door & a green quarter panel?_________



9. Do you have a waterbed?_______ A stupid tattoo?_______



10. Do you have an earring, nose ring, or tongue ring in your penis?_______


11. Have you ever been or thought about bring on the "DOWN LOW?"___________



(If you answered "yes" to any of 8, 9, 10, or 11 discontinue application and leave the premises!)



You may use the back for answering question 11, 12, and 13.

12. In 50 words or less, what does "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you



______________________________________________________________________





13. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?



______________________________________________________________________





14. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?



______________________________________________________________________







15. Church you attend: ______________________How often you attend:_________







16. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and pastor?





______________________________________________________________________







17. Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely - All answers are confidential!



A. If I were ever shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the_________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my __________

C. A woman's place is in the _________________.

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me is:____________

E. When I meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:_________________



(Note: If the answer to "E" begins with a "T" or "A," discontinue and leave the premises! It is strongly advised to keep your head down and run in a serpentine fashion!)



18. What do you want to be IF you grow up?_______________________________



I swear that all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, Native American ant torture, crucifixion, electrocution, Chinese water torture and/or a red hot poker place in the body orifice of my choice



Signature:______________________________________



Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by several gentlemen wearing long black trench coats & dark sunglasses answering to the names of Tony, Paulie, Big Leroy, Rakim and Nasir (you might want to watch your back).

November 14, 2006

Not Quite a poem

And Sometimes I sit

and sometimes I sit
down at my typewriter
and i think
not of someone
cause there isn't anyone
to think
about and i wonder
is it worth it

~Niklki Giovanni

Most of us love from our need to love not
because we find someone deserving

most of us forgive because we have trespassed not
because we are magnanimous

most of us comfort because we need comforting
our ancient rituals demand that we give
what we hope to receive
and how do we judge a man

~Nikki Giovanni

 

It’s been a minute since I’ve had the desire to write, but I’m back.

I had to go through some stuff, had to acknowledge some things in my life, but I’m back, Grateful, in hindsight of course,

That depression came to visit

Because now the outlook is new

Friendships and relationships

Are new

My life and things I am trying to do with it

Are new

I had to be down to be able to look up,

And it was terrible and unpleasant,

But the crutches I didn’t even know I was carrying

Had to be released

And I had to learn to walk again

On my own again

Relationships needed to be sold again

Renewed again

Reevaluated again

To be new again

So I’m back.

In a new and different way,

Applying some of the lessons I’ve learned

And making them work for my benefit

So, with that I’m back.

 

Peace Y’all...

B

             

 

November 01, 2006

How Sweet it is!!

Quote of the day:

"Sometimes I feel discriminated against, but it does not make me angry. It merely astonishes me. How can anyone deny themselves the pleasure of my company? It's beyond me." - Zora Neale Hurston

 

            Yesterday was an interesting day. I had to go to the post office and as I pulled my ticket and read number 91 and saw that we are number 70 with two people working in the back, I knew that I’d be there for a while. Luckily, it was Halloween in Berkeley so there was plenty to keep me entertained. I’d have to say that one of the many highlights was seeing the man dressed in the skin tight, and I do mean skin tight royal blue track suit, with a red cape, complete with clothespin holding it together in the front and red and green converse with the cuffs of his pants tucked into them, furthering the tightness of his pants, pull back his red plastic cowboy hat (?) and actually judge the woman who sat next to him wearing the hot pink wig with matching hot pink ripped shirt for the inappropriateness of her outfit. I couldn’t figure out what either one of them were, I was assuming that he was some sort of Urban cowboy/superman, or maybe it was just a regular Tuesday for him, who knows, but I did have to give him points for nostalgia’s sake for the clothespin holding the cape on. The woman, I couldn’t call that one at all, my only guess was that she was the lead singer of the 80’s cartoon the Jets, but I don’t remember seeing any breasts on that show. Either way, it was too much. However, the award goes to the man I saw the day before Halloween, standing on the corner wearing a black and yellow horizontally stripped tube top, a yellow tutu, yellow track shorts that were frighteningly short, yellow and black knee socks, wings and antennas on his head smoking a cigarette, handing out candy. Did I ever tell you how much I love Berkeley?

            I was never really allowed to do the whole Halloween thing as a kid. I think I got a couple of tricks or treats in, but Mom and Nana weren’t really into the whole Halloween thing. Needless to say, as an adult, I have never felt the need to celebrate. I do have some sense of the holiday spirit and dressed up yesterday as a writer. Hey, I pulled the suede loafers out for that one. One thing I have truly learned to appreciate about the day is all of the candy that is now sitting in Walgreens marked at 50 to 75% off waiting for me to take advantage! HA! Happy Day After Halloween everyone!!

Peace Y’all

B

October 31, 2006

Confession Time

            Okay, so I know that the last few blogs have been about fun and games, but its time to get serious.

            I know for a lot of us, we tend to hold ourselves back. We have all heard the famous Nelson Mandela quote about allowing yourself to except the best and be everything you are supposed to be and not being afraid. For a lot of us, we make progress, but not too much progress because there is an inane fear of rejection that will inevitably come with that progress. This is a mindset I know far too well...Okay, its confession time people...

            Whenever anyone approaches me about my book, or tells me that they are reading it, or have read it, for a moment, and often for their sake, I am excited. I feel a slight surge of energy and nervousness rush through me and I cannot believe that someone is actually reading my book. But then in the next moment that excitement leaves, and the question of who am I that you want me to sign the book, or who am I that you want me to come out to your University, all go marching across my mind. All of the negative thoughts come parading through and I fall right back into the “just B” box I have always placed myself in. But then something will happen that will give me the little boost of fire I need to go on. I was reading Essence magazine yesterday and right there in the middle of the article a woman was quoted and after her name it gave the title of her book and her publishing company and her publisher was my publishing company. I felt tears come to my eyes when I read that. In that instant I felt like a legitimate writer.

            It’s funny because even though I have these books out, I have never felt the excitement people around me feel about it because these books are self-published. I don’t have a book deal, I am not in “bookstores everywhere” I haven’t sold millions of copies, I haven’t even had official reviews of my books done yet. My books were virtually designed by me and put together by a publishing company because I paid them to do it, not because I’m that talented of a writer that someone, besides me, felt that my work should be shared with the world. I was juiced the first time I held my book in my hands and saw the glossiness of the cover, but then before I could even crack the cover open, the naysayers (or haters for those in the know) came along and dripped down their negativity all over my life’s work and honestly sapped all of the excitement I had right out of the situation. I allowed people to steal my joy and I’ve never gotten it back.

            I doubt myself all the time. Are my dreams too big? Are the things that I want attainable? Will I live the mediocre life I so desperately fear? For months I have been wanting to submit an article to Essence Magazine, but figured since I am not a “real” writer, why even bother? And in that thinking lies the perfect example of the fear I am talking about. No one likes to be rejected, but if I did get rejected it would be from ESSENCE MAGAZINE! That’s huge! But then on the flip side, how incredible would it be if I did get an article published in Essence, self published and all?

            We stop ourselves too much because we are afraid of the success too. Not just the success, because honestly the recognition and fame is kind of fun, but with all of that comes a greater expectation. With every word I lay down on paper, I feel a greater expectation to make the next one better. And sometimes, it’s just easier to fall into the mediocre mindset instead of challenging myself to be the great woman God has called me to be, because rejecting yourself is easier then having someone else do it.  

            On days like this, I think about what Zora Neale Hurston’s mother told her when she was a small child. “Jump at de sun, cos even if you fall, at least you’ll be among the stars...” Or think of what my Nana told me when I was applying to college: Don’t let tell yourself no, let them tell you no.” This encourages me and all of us need encouragement sometimes. It’s crazy because I had already told myself that there was no way I could get into Berkeley...and we all know the story. I wonder how much further I could be in my life if I could just stop telling myself no? If I could man up and accept the rejection as it comes and stop doing things I know I can succeed in, instead of trying things with the possibility that I could fail?

            I guess the point is stop looking for validation from other people and validate yourself. Only you can live your life and no matter what you do, there will be people around you with something negative to say. And if you think about it, its probably because they are jealous. That’s an interesting thought. But honestly, if you feel like you are great, then you’re great and that’s just how it is. And while that may be easier said than done, it is definitely worth a try.

Peace Y’all...

B

October 28, 2006

MIchigan...who knew I'd fall in love?

            My trip to Michigan was a breath of fresh air. It is always nice to be in a new environment where everything is new and exciting and each face you see is a possibility. My talk went really well and thanks to my new friend, I have a wonderful idea for a new project. Thanks Minna! Lol! But I have to say that the highlight of the entire trip for me having lunch with the girls. It was so special to just sit down with woman my age and discuss life. Their issues were my issues and their concerns were my concerns and there were exchanges where there was a certain level of understanding that passed between us because we had all already been there and done that. I keep saying it over and over again how much I miss that and how much I need that level of sisterhood in my life. We sat around eating our salmon burgers and laughing, often times dropping our heads in solidarity because, yes, girl, we all understood. We had tea an absolutely beautiful Ethiopian restaurant and the tea we drank was so soothing and the conversation was so soothing, I did not want to leave.

            The atmosphere of the campus was gorgeous as well. I thought it was hilarious to watch people walk around in flip flops and short while I had on every layer imaginable. I was not playing. I had the boots, the coat, the scarf, several layers underneath and please believe that the gloves were on deck just in case the wind tried to get crazy. It really wasn’t that cold, but the weather shifted so often, I just had to be prepared. But the Michigan campus was huge. You had to have a car to get around that mug and it was split up into different campuses because...well I don’t know why, but it was beautiful none the less. There were huge brick buildings and the whole place felt very east coast, but the thing that caught my heart the most was the presence of fall. The leaves were all kind of shades of orange and burgundy and red and it was just beautiful to look at. There was an overall sense of calm that kind of hovered over the campus, and I understand that it was a personal feeling as everyone talked about their papers they had to write, but I was on vacation and feeling very serene. It seemed like everyone I met was just a great person. Everyone was nice and warm and while I was doing my talk, I felt like I was in a room full of my friends and my usual bought with stage fright never happened. I loved it.

            One thing that did trip me out was the football stadium. As I was told by my amazing tour guide (=) ) it was the largest football arena in the united states, college or professional, and he was not lying. This place was a beast. It can hold over 100 thousand fans and I thought Cal football fans were serious...we don’t have anything on Michigan. These people live and breathe U of M and Michigan state football. Every where we went, whether it was Wal-Mart of a restaurant for lunch, you could find paraphernalia for either team. Babies were rocking U of M gear on a regular Thursday morning and it seemed like every car I saw had a Michigan license plate on the front of its car. I almost had to disown my friend who went to Berkeley but is doing his Masters at Michigan who said...and I Quote... “I don’t know who I would root for if Michigan and Cal go to the Rose Bowl. It would be a tough decision...” Don’t worry all of you TRUE BLUE Golden Bear fans out there, I personally revoked his card. The audacity, the nerve! But no fear, I did get my chance to trash talk a little bit when one of the organizers of the event I was flown out there for attempted to challenge me in my knowledge of football. He kept throwing the questions at me, “When was the last time Cal went to the Rose Bowl; 1958, next... ‘Name some players who went Pro... “Nnamdi, JJ, Etch; Next... “How did Cal go from being ranked Number two to 22 in one game... “Actually we were ranked number 9 and Michigan was number 14 and had to work their way and up stayed at number 6 for three weeks in a row while Cal continued to climb. Either way we are both predicted to meet in the Rose Bowl this year, so what’s your point.” I couldn’t help one last “That’s right Go Bears,” as he sat there with his jaw on the ground because he could not fade me. LOL!!! I am TRUE BLUE, please do not get it twisted! LOL!!!
            But I had an amazing time in Michigan. I got to spend time with a very dear friend of mine and create some new relationships in the process. I am however very happy to be back in flip flops and a tank top and drinking my iced tea while sitting in the sun. I’m actually getting some work done today, it’s a bye week for the Golden Bears, so I’m not stressed out like I would normally be on a Saturday. So things are good.

             All I have to say is that the committee that brought me out there were wonderful and I had an amazing time. So thank you to everyone and I'll see y'all at the rose bowl!! LOL!!

Peace Y'all

B

October 20, 2006

Heck yeah!

Mom and Nana just left me. THey came up to see me for a day or so and it was so nice having them around. There is something so comforting about having your family around you. I'm sad to see them go. Its interesting because I don't get to send my family very often, definitely not as often as i would like, but when i do see them, I love how i instantly turn into a baby. In any other instance, I am not good with people doing things for me or taking care of me, but not with Mom and Nana. Every time i go home, i have to fight with everything I have to stay awake because I spend most of my time curled up in moms bed or in the living room, knocked out, Of course these fits of sleep are punctuated with home cooked meals. Man, i love my family.

ANother awesome thing is that my fam made my dreams come true this weekend. That's right ladies and gentleman...i got a wireless card for Dino. I am currently, at this moment, sitting on my living room floor, watching sports center, wrapped up in a warm sweatshirt and a blanket writing this blog. I can check my email, buy some Carol's daughter oil...I mean I mean. I am super juiced. Mom always says that I am easy to please and this little piece of plastiic and metal just made my entire life come together. Swoon, life is so great. I can say without a quiver in my voice that my writing game will be stepped up significantly. I always have the best ideas at night, sitting in my living room, or in the middle of the night. Now that Dino seems to be getting his life together and working properly (let's keep our fingers and toes crossed) and i have wireless internet, there is no telling what could happen. I am amped.

I suppose i should try to comb back this 'fro of mine and get ready for work. Or perhaps I will lay onmy couch and watch ESPN until my alarm goes off. Who knows really. All I do know is that I'm sad that Mom and Nana left and I can't wait to see you guys next month. Have a happy friday everyone, and please expect some commentary about the game tomorrow! Oh snap! I have wireless now...Now i can blog on the weekend!! Oh I know you're not ready!!! LOL!!

Peace Y'all!

B

October 16, 2006

7 things I miss

7 things I miss...(presented in random order)

 

  1. The Neo-Soul Movement... Man, remember when Erykah Badu, India Arie, Jill Scott and Maxwell all came out with albums at the same time? Do you remember all of the powerful lyrics, intoxicating music and just that feeling? And having so many musical choices. Your five disc cd player was full and on constant rotation, no need to stand there and skip through songs because they were all great. Now, with these particular artists taking 4 and 5 years in between each project, this feeling is few and far between.
  2. Good Movies...Remember Love Jones, Brown Sugar, The Best Man, Hav Plenty, and Waiting to Exhale? We used to have some good quality movies back in the day. No one got shot or stabbed; there were no drugs involved, no crack houses. Just successful black people living their lives and entertaining me. Now I’m forced to watch these films with commercial breaks and terrible editing jobs just to get that old feeling back and no it’s not the same. When are we going to get back to that feeling?
  3. College: Man, I used to kick it in college. Some of my fondest memories of school consisted of us, and by us I mean me and Rose, planning to skip class to meet up and travel to either my or her apartment and eat chicken nuggets and pasta roni before falling into a mid afternoon haze. And I’d like to add, we both graduated on time and with decent grades, with no problem! I miss that freedom we had to just be.
  4. Friends: As an adult, I am learning that your friend base gets more and more narrow. You have a lot less time to just hang out with people and cultivate relationships so we have to depend on the ones that have already been there and done that and just grow from there. I know that I don’t have the free time I used to or even the energy I once had to create that free time. But I do miss having the homies around the house all the time and having random dinners and movie nights.
  5. Candy: When I was a kid, no matter what day, or time of year, I always had some sort of candy on me. There was always a Nownlater, or a jolly rancher stick in my pocket or backpack, and there was always plenty to share with the homies. Now it’s all about calorie counting and Dentist appointments (i.e. responsibility), but I miss those candy days. I used to live in South Pasadena and there was an actual Candy Shop where we would go after school and use our nickels and quarters to stock up on our sugary goods for the week. Chocolate covered gummy bears were my favorite, but were not for the long term use. The Fruit Punch jolly rancher sticks though...whew...
  6. Roller Skating...I used to be a roller skating fool back in the day. I’ve told the story of me skating my neighbors perfectly paved driveway, pretending to be Debbie Thomas (the only black figure skating superstar in the 80’s). Man, I loved that!! Now days, the thrill is gone. On the rare occasion I can get out to Milpitas to skate, I am forced to roll around with a bunch of half dressed children singing along to Lil’ John and the East side boys, and the Ladies only skate is to Wait (the whisper song) by the Ying Yang twins. And of course there is the hope that you don’t get shot or run over once you leave the establishment. Needless to say, the thrill is gone.
  7. The sun...Fall is here, the rain is falling, and while it is nice to get cozy and throw on a nice sweater and sit in the window of a café drinking tea and watching the leaves fall, I’d much rather be sun bathing with a peach iced tea in hand, basking in the sights and sounds of a summer day. I’m never ready for this particular shift in weather because it always seems to shift so much faster and lasts so much longer. Summer only lasts a few days up here and then its fall again...I miss the sun...

 

Looking back over this, I guess I miss my childhood. I had a great upbringing with lots of good memories to hold on to. Maybe a few years from now I’ll write about how I miss being able to sit at my office at work and write my little blogs. Of maybe I’ll miss my apartment in Berkeley that was the first thing I could fully call my own. Who knows, for now though, I will definitely bask in my memories and work on creating some new ones. But on some real talk, I sure could go for a Fruit Punch Jolly Rancher stick right now!

Peace Y’all!!

B

October 13, 2006

I just found out!

Happy Friday Everyone!!!

Today is just a really good day. Extremely productive...I am loving life. I just had lunch with my girl and then we went to Rasputin and came UP on cd’s. I just found out that if you have a Cal ID, you get 2 dollars off any cd you buy new or used...what? I got Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation CD for 2 dollars!! OH YEAHHHH....Now I can retire my Cassette Tape. Yeah I still have it...and?! LOL! I had to put in something new today because my officemate banged on me for listening to Robin Thicke non-stop for the past week. I can’t help that I love it!! So I am sparing him today and we are rocking out to Janet’s Rhythm nation. I even busted few moves...y’all remember the video....But Today is a good day. I also just found out that it is snowing in Michigan, so I am trying to get my mind wrapped around walking around and living life in snow again. Well at least for two days, but I’m excited anyway. I’m going to be purchasing a coat and scarf and gloves and hat and all that good stuff this weekend to get ready. I really want a hat with that big huge bobble thing on the top. Maybe some flaps on the side, and ties underneath the chin...that would be hot. I figure it’s a one time thing so I might as well be as ignorant as possible. I do know that I need to shake this little cold I’m fighting because it is 30 degrees in Michigan and that would not be the business! LOL! Oh, I also found out today that they are showing the CAL football game at memorial stadium for those diehard fans who want to go sit and chill and watch it on the score board. Um...I’m cool. I’ll holler at my cell phone and watch sports center. I’m not about to sit in the cold by myself to watch the game on a small screen...But I will say that now that we are ranked number 10 in the nation, they need to show us a little more love on those televised games...I’m just saying. Oh...The best news of them all is that the woman from the book club emailed me yesterday and told me that they would like for me to come in March instead! HAHA!! You can’t tell me that God isn’t good and the he doesn’t answer prayers because he most certainly does! I am so juiced. The $C game is about to be on!!! I am so excited. So, I suppose that all there is left to say is to enjoy your weekend. Indulge in something you can’t afford, or holler at Rasputin’s used CD selection and holler at something you can and vote for Coach Tedford for Coach of the year (www.coachoftheyear.com) !!

Peace Y’all

October 11, 2006

Learning the Differences

            Last night, I got into a really amazing conversation about men and women with one of the loves of my life, the MAN who inspired Mecca in my novel. During the conversation the topic of the differences between women and females came up. I told him that he needed to learn to make the distinction between a woman and a female and that before he can even do that, he needs to acknowledge that there is that distinction to make. I told him that just like a good man, a good woman is a rare thing. We discussed the differences between a woman and a female, and while the conversation was very necessary for him, it was also very necessary for me. This conversation sparked a really reflective moment last night, and occupied several pages of my journal until late into the night, but I was able to come to some amazing conclusions.

            There are a lot of females who claim to be a woman. To me, the title of Woman is something that has to be earned and appreciated and doesn’t just come to you because you turn 21 and have a vagina. The title of woman encompasses so much and spans so many spectrums that there is no way to encapsulate it into one pure definition. However, there are some general distinctions that can be used to distinguish a woman from a female.

            Katt Williams in his HI-Larious comedy special pointed out one of the most important distinctions. You have to be the Ish to yourself. A woman does not wait for a man to define her beauty or worth, she defines it for herself and then gets with a man who can not only appreciate this definition, but enhance it. A female validates her self worth with relationships and with the presence of a man in her life and in her bed.

            Another distinction is that a woman doesn’t know how to fold. There might be some times when the wind is so strong and heavy that we may bend, but a woman doesn’t fold and give up. Women have responsibilities and understand that there are no other options but to work it out and handle business. I can say with complete confidence that I have learned that from the women who raised me. As an adult, I can look back and truly appreciate how gangster they really were. I was blessed with being able to see the physical interpretation of this definition. But females tend to run when things get hard and sit around and wait for someone to pick up the pieces for them instead of handling business for themselves.

            When it comes to men, a woman knows how to let the man be a man, while still maintaining her own strength. I love the analogy that the man is the head of the house, but the woman is the neck that guides and directs the head. That is so true. I hear friends say all the time how men aren’t trustworthy and how they are all dogs and if they can be hoe’s we can be hoe’s too. Let me state for the record, I do not agree. A man is rare and beautiful thing, and unfortunately, is something that is often overlooked or unappreciated because like women, men get disillusioned by bootleg representations of women and are often confused about how to make the distinction between the two.

            I can say that for me, I am a woman with female tendencies. But I can also say, proudly that my female tendencies are becoming fewer and fewer as I soak in every lesson life throws my way. I’ve had to learn to eliminate the things and people that cause female tendencies and keep it pushing.

            But to all the good men out there, and especially “Mecca”, all of your goodness has not gone to waste. Don’t change who you are, just hold out for a woman who is worth your time. Keep your eyes open for the differences and I love you!

Peace Y’all

B

October 06, 2006

Settling in

This past July, I turned 27 years old. It was crazy for me because, you don't realize that you are necessarily getting older, and then one day, you look in the mirror and there is a big fat gray hair sitting on your temple and it hits you...I'm getting older. But then there are those moments where you are forced to assert yourself and it hits you once again, I really AM grown!

SLowly, and surely, the pieces of my life are starting to fall into place. As the campus begins to buzz again with activity, and the events begin to roll around and the invitations start flying this way and that, for the first time, I don't have that little twinge in my stomach, that makes me want to be in college again. Instead of feeling like a college student, i feel the slight gap in age and experience and the things that used to thrill me, just don't do it anymore. Now instead of going out and getting drunk, and acting a fool, I'd much rather go to a poetry spot, or have a meaningful conversation with someone I love. Instead of pretending that my feelings don't matter, I speak my piece because now I realize that I am somebody with something to say. I love the fact that I more often than not play the roll of the big sister and am looked to to provide insight. That is a blessing.

I am 27 years, and by no means is that old, just older. Now instead of trying to be up on the latest fashions, I can forego that new jacket or new pair of shoes and buy lunch for a friend in need. I find myself seeking God now more than ever. Trying to live in the ways that He has set and trying to be a good person. 27, not old, just older. THings around me are changing. I'm changing, and while I am quite the creature of Habit...and slightly afraid of change, I feel like its time. I'm finding myself more and more financially independent from my family, which is scary and a blessing at the same time. And while I still have the same bear Nana gave me when I was 8 chillen on my bed, the adult Brandelyn is starting to come into her own.

My best friend turned 25 today, and I see for her nothing but possibilties. I feel like she is a member of my club now. AN elite club of grown women who are just doing the damn thing and I welcome her. This is where the fun starts girl. It gets better, and better I promise. The doors that are going to start opening up to you are beyond your imagination, and I'll be there, slightly older (shut up) and wiser to experience it with you. Happy Birthday Madame Esquire and I love you!!!

I'd Also Like to send a special shout out to my 04...Happy Birthday 04!!!

pEACE

B

October 04, 2006

Dusting off the Friendship

This weekend, as I did my spring cleaning, a thought occurred to me, when did I get too busy for my friends? As I rummaged through old love letters, notes and birthday cards, it really dawned on me how blessed I am to have crossed the paths I’ve crossed. I have some truly incredible people at my fingertips and I simply don’t do my part to keep those lines of communication open.

It was really funny going through those old letters and notes. I read the words of the man who has literally held my heart for the past 9 years and laughed at how we both have changed and evolved into completely different people, but the fundamentals are always there. I reminisced on what it was like to be really loved like that and it reaffirmed for me that it is absolutely okay to wait for the real thing. I read through old letters from my roommate at Xavier and was instantly taken back to the days of care packages filled with cans of canned ravioli and chocolate graham crackers, of eating so many packages of top ramen, that the room began to just smell like it, and late night gatherings so we could all watch Jerry Springer. I read through notes from one of my best friends at Berkeley, who would sit up with me all night in the study lounge and “smoke” cigarettes with me and just talk about nothing at all when all of the ‘academia’ of Berkeley was becoming overwhelming and who would let me sleep in his bed when I just needed a quiet place to be, the friend who rode his bike to my house to bring me groceries when I had no money, I read his old notes and cards and wondered why I haven’t talked to him in months. I read through the card my fellow sister of color gave me that convinced me to stay at Berkeley my first semester when I was told that I was not good enough to be here and that I would never graduate with a degree in English, but the words of a good friend, helped me get through that. Where would I be right now today, had I not gotten that note?

We really do take people for granted. I know I walk in the illusion that everyone I love and appreciate will be around forever and I won’t ever have to worry about them not being around, so yeah, I can just call them tomorrow. I finally caught up with my old roommate and learned that my Godson is now in kindergarten. I personally don’t know how he jumped from being born to going to kindergarten in a week’s time, but I always knew my baby was smart! I can’t be too busy for the ones I love. For the people who are responsible for helping me create some of my best memories. The people who can make me smile just from knowing who I was back in the day, when I was Brandee instead of Brandelyn. It’s important to acknowledge the importance of those relationships and work on them, and make sure that they don’t get dusty. We all need people and friends in our lives that don’t have any expectations of us, other than us just being ourselves. I’m glad I went through those old letters this weekend. I’ve sent out a bunch of emails and made a bunch of calls, and I’m so glad to have reconnected with my old peeps. It’s these types of relationships that keep us grounded, and I am truly blessed to have them!

Peace Y’all!

 

September 27, 2006

Nest Egg

Sometimes you just have those grown up moments when you realize that your life has finally smoothed out and all of the little things you used to worry about, just aren't so anymore. I recently, and by that I mean in the past year, have been on a tremendous mission to get my credit together. I finally paid off a major debt, got my other major debt, my student loans, sigh, under control and applied for and actually received my first credit card. Now, I don't actually use this card, except to purchase the occasional CD, but I got it because this particular card was designed to help me get my credit score up. I also recently opened up my very first high yield savings account which if I keep up the way i plan, in the next 20 years...i should be able to put my kids through college. I'm feeling pretty good. I made a promise to myself to stop living from check to check. If I have to make sacrifices, (Carols daughter NOT included...come on that's my THING) then I'll do that. I have made a deal with myself, not to find myself in a position where I will be without groceries and to try and be in a place where I can be a financial blessing to someone in need. Now mind you, this is all very recent. I have been in financial trouble ever since I sold my soul for a free t-shirt when I was 18 and got my first credit card. Hindsight is so amazing isn't it?! I see all of these students signing up for a credit cards, just so they can get a free pizza. And its DOMINO's Pizza at that. Come on!!! But it is important to make wise financial decisions. I told myself that I wanted to own a piece of property by time I was 30. Notice, I didn't say a house. That would be great, but if I have to settle for a private parking space, then dangit, i will set my tent up on my parking space and declare it mine! But I feel like its going to go down. I have always been someone who has lived in the right now mentality. If I start working out, i want to see results, right now. If I start paying something off, I want it off my credit report, right now, If I finally relent and give someone my new cell phone number, I want him to call me RIGHT NOW!#%@! Whoa...sorry...that is a whole other blog! But the point is, it takes patience to dig yourself out of a hole. It is not going to happen instantly. There are lot of things that I could do right now, that would not be wise to do. It doesn't make any sense to spend all of your money on something temporary, and have nothing left in the end. I have never been very good at saving money, but now that I have to write a letter and request money instead of just going to the ATM, we all know my ADD will prevent me from even remembering to do it, so my money will begin to stack up. I like the thought of having a nest egg. Of finally getting it together and making wise decisions. I'm not a kid anymore. I definetely have the gray hairs and Ten year high school reunion looming before me to prove that. But it feels good that i can set aside my childish ways and embrace my grownupness...thats a word thats a word. Its been time for me to step my game up, so I say, let the games begin!

Peace Y'all!

B

September 26, 2006

Dang!

So My job has not had any internet since um...last thursday...so I have not been able to check my email, or do any work since friday...I am in another office right now, as we speak, and i just spent the past hour checking my 84 emails. 84. And 75 percent of those were acutally business....No tanto mucho. I know that this isn't really a big deal, but I have just been slightly frustrated in general. I feel like I have been on a treadmill for a while now. Just moving in a fast pace, but not going anywhere. I'm really trying to be patient, but I dunno. Its hard. Anyway. I am not going to sit here and whine. I am truly truly blessed and have no reason to complain. At least I have internet right now to handle my business. Focus on the good things...Man I need a nap!

Peace Y'all!

B

September 21, 2006

I just had to share this!!!

What defines a good woman. Well in my personal opinion a good woman defines herself within her own actions. First off let me lay the foundation of why a woman has the ability to even be considered "good". Well for starters she is the absolute rock of a relationship and  more importantly the mother of humanity. The problem that woman run into which keeps them from obtaining the "good" status is the fact that they don't believe in their heart of hearts of how valuable they are, and it is because of this that we run into problems within relationships and even friendships. It is to often that we loose sight of our purpose here on this earth, it is not to make money, not to have a big house, nor have expensive things, our sole purpose is to reproduce and keep our civilization moving forward, and who is in complete control of this epic facet of life, you guessed it women. You control the absolute essence of life and mankind.

As you understand the foundation of the eternal essence of a woman now you must apply that knowledge to everyday life. You see if a woman is strong enough to conceive, carry, and create life for 9 months, how can she not be able to handle and help support the struggles of everyday life. Understand that no relationship is perfect. However, it is how two people can come together as one to overcome those struggles. A woman is made to nurture and support whether the sun is shining or if the storm is terrorizing she is and will always be the nurturing support that a man needs to help him navigate through the storm to get back to the shining sun. You see a man is the head of the relationship that is how we are made to be the strength, provider, and protector of the family. These were giving to us through divine right, what was also giving to us through divine right to help us cope was the sensitive, beautiful, and nurturing elegance known as a woman. Her role in the relationship would be the neck, because she is the support that guides the head and helps the head see to be able to make the correct decisions for the family. A woman who comprehends this is a GOOD woman.

There is an interesting dichotomy which helps to explain why some people are "good" and some people have some work to do. This ideology is known as "Fruit vs. Potential". Potential is a synonym for hopeful, it goes right along with words like wish, maybe, etc. Unfortunately people fall into the catehory of being potential, but as we know most people never truly reach there full " potential". So as we choose our significant others to be our partners for life if you choose someone with potential 9 times out of 10 that person isn't going to be what you "hoped" or "wished" they would be. It is at this point you have to make a decision about how much time do you want to put in to try and wait for your partner to reach there full potential, remember although love goes along way most people never reach there full potential.
       Fruit on the other hand is what you want to wake up to everyday. I say this because no matter which "fruit" you choose, they all have one thing in common, once you peel, or bite through the outer layer (also known as the skin) you will always reach the sweet core of that fruit. You see us as human beings are created in the womb pure. It is once we come out of that womb that we are taught or programmed to be who we are for the rest of our lives. These are known as your CORE values. You can't change nor deny them because they make up who you are as a person. It is also known as your character. As we choose our partners unfortunately people get caught up more in the potential of someone rather then the fruit of who that person is. Simply stated the fruit will outlast the potential everytime so please choose wisely!

Regular Ole' Days

            The internet is down at work today, so my co-worker/partner in crime decided to head to a coffee shop to utilize the internet there. Of course, my laptop is lacking in the wireless internet capabilities, but I do have word and the option to save my work, so thus, comes my blog. On our way to the coffee shop, I was reading through Beyonce’s new CD and the last line of her Thank you’s says “Live everyday like its your last...”and I have to say, that I don’t agree with this adage. Now, for most of us, we don’t live like Beyonce. Most of us have jobs and have to work everyday to make ends meet. For example, here is what the typical day for Brandelyn looks like.

            7:30 am...awaken to the blaring sounds of ‘Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’ blasting from my cell phone.

            7:45 am Actually get out of bed.

            7:45-8:30 Purpose Driven Life and Devotional

            8:30- 9:30 Piddle around the house (Activities Include but are not limited to, Washing dishes, putting away randomly strewn clothing, making and consuming breakfast, reading a few pages of the boondocks anthology to get my mind right to deal with THE MAN)

            9:30-10 Get dressed and head to work

            10:45 Get to work and proceed to do what I do until about Noon

            12 – 1 Lunch and Subsequent Sunbathing in the back patio

            1-4 work

            4 Bounce, and head to the house where I commence to working on the novel, contemplating my life and being an overall G...

           

            See, nothing too exciting there, but a necessary routine that enables me to pay bills and purchase Carols Daughter to my hearts content. Now of course, I would love for something amazingly exciting to happen everyday, but let’s be realistic, I don’t think I could handle it. I get super juiced from a random dream, what would happen if my dreams became reality everyday. I get what the adage means, don’t waste a day, but honestly some days are meant to be wasted! That random Tuesday in November when its raining and cold and the thought of getting out of bed is so overwhelming that you realize that it is just not going down. What better way to spend a day like that then to float somewhere between conscience and awake, snuggly with your stuffed animal of choice, (shout out to BEAR). Now this day can be considered wasted because for me, no writing would get done, no reading would get done, nothing productive would get done, but on the flipside, I would get some much needed rest and relaxation.

            I am of course not saying that we shouldn’t dream. Everyone has to dream and have something to look forward to. And you should take every opportunity you can to pursue that, (Let me just take this moment to shout out my Good Friend Crispus Attucks aka Elosi for those in the know, who will be debuting this Friday in her first published article...thank you...) but if you don’t take a moment and acknowledge that you are going to have some just regular days, then you will drive yourself crazy trying to get to the dream. Enjoy the simple days. Enjoy life as it comes. Seize every chance that comes your way and cherish it, but realize and acknowledge, that you are going to simply have, some regular ole’ days.

 

Peace Y’all

September 18, 2006

180 degrees...

            It’s really funny how things change. Over time, we begin to develop into the people we will become, and life changes are made without a blink of the eye. For example, when I was a kid, I was a night owl by definition. I would wait until mom went to bed and sneak my flashlight under the covers and read until I passed out. I did this almost every night without fail and was a mess the next morning when I was expected to wake up early and behave like an actual human being. Mom finally got hip to my disdain for the AM hours and got me dressed and ready to go before I even woke up. I would literally wake up dressed, with one ponytail brushed, greased and braided ready to go. The other one would have to wait until I actually turned my head, or woke up. I was also very active as a kid. I could ride my bike for hours, or skate in my neighbor’s concrete driveway in my aunt’s Laker Girl uniform pretending I was Debbie Thomas, practicing my triple lutz and triple sowcows, which honestly was never really more than me jumping in the air and landing safely on my skates instead of on my face... until the street lights came on, and then had energy to spare. When I was a kid my desire was to become a lawyer, because Claire Huxtable made it look so good. I do distinctly remember swearing off boys in the 7th grade when my crush called me names in front of the entire class and pointed out every flaw in my outfit thoroughly embarrassing me, and let me state for the record, as he will be reading this...LOL...my lime green cross color shorts were fly...thank you....LOL!!

            But now, things are quite different. Now days, I wake up every morning, weekends included at 7:30am, just because. Now days, its really hard for me to stay up past 10 pm, unless I absolutely have to. I will literally scoff at the notion of having to do something requiring exercise, unless it is absolutely necessary, and you best believe wi will be complaining the WHOLE time! LOL!! Instead of practicing law, I am in all senses of the word, an artist. Instead of being a homebody, I ache to travel and see the world. And we all know I have taken back my swearing off of men...lol...but never in a million years would I have imagined that things would have turned out the way they have. The things I value have shifted and my desires for happiness have shifted. The funny thing is that I have a distinct feeling that the things I value right now are going to dramatically shift in the coming years. Once I get married and start having babies and start building a whole family of my own, things will change. I’m looking forward to looking back and envisioning myself in my 20’s and shaking my head at the girlish mistakes I made during these years. I’m looking forward to re-reading my old journals and scanning my brain to recall the faces of the men who took up so much of my time and thoughts. It should be a relief to look back on who I am, acknowledge how those moments lead me to who I will become.

            I guess what it boils down to, every moment is precious, every memory is precious and every step leading toward the future is precious as well. Nothing is going to stop us from becoming who we are supposed to become. I am still very good friends with my 7th grade crush, and live out my legal fantasies vicariously through my girl, Miss Lee, Esquire. I still read until I pass out at night, just at a different time. I still have a slight disdain for the AM hours, but am learning to let that go. Things change, but the fundamentals are always rooted in a good foundation. No matter what, I will still live my life with high doses of tomfoolery. I will abide by the artists credo, to live and let live, and I will always, always think that my lime green cross color shorts, were fly....

Peace Y’all...

B

September 15, 2006

Another No Tanto Mucho Moment-

1 So I had my dentist appointment yesterday and let me just say that the entire experience was a No Tanto Mucho moment. First I get in there about 20 minutes early, and fill out my little paper work and am told to wait. No problem. Akeelah and the Bee just started so I settle in to watch it. I realize about an hour into the movie, that an hour has passed, and there has not been a soul to come and check on me yet. Whatever. So Just as Akeelah makes it to the national spelling bee, I get called in. So I sit in my little chair and am asked to wait again. As the minutes ticked by, in my mind I’m thinking that I could have finished watching the movie if I’m going to be chillen’ like this, but whatever. So then the Dentist assistant comes and begins injecting my mouth with the anesthetic, so the dentist can get to drilling. Before she can even set the dag nab needle down, here comes the dentist ready to get to work. HOLD ON PLAYA! How about we take a moment to let this stuff settle in before we just get to drilling! I can still feel my mouth, so I’m thinking that its not time yet. So she gives me a few minutes and comes back and jumps right in with two feet and a pogo stick. So as she’s drilling I suddenly feel this blinding pain shoot up my face…I jerk and she stops and asks me if that hurts…I would think that the bugging out of my eyes and swinging of my arms would be enough to answer her questions, but hey some people need a direct answer. So I squeak out a yes and she proceeds to inject my face with more anesthetic. So she starts drilling again and that same blinding pain shoots up my face again. I think I actually hit her this time, I don’t know but she asked if it hurt again and says “ well we’ve done all we can, so we’re going to have to give you the super duper (love those medical terms) anesthetic.” So, she proceeds to get the largest needle in America and pokes my mouth with it 7 times…yes I counted…and suddenly my whole left side goes numb…whatever, lets just get through this. So, she finishes drilling my teeth, puts in the fillings and tells me I’m good to go, oh and tells me that I can't eat for 24 hours...great. I high bolt it to the front desk where I am told I have to pay 105 dollars for my torture session and need to schedule my next appointment so we can tackle the right side. As I am standing there the nurse hands me a tissue for the drool that is coming from my face. The entire left side of my face is numb and when I look in the mirror, I see that my eye is sleepy, my lips won’t curve up into a smile and I can’t breathe out of my left nostril. Maybe its just me, but I don’t think filling should be all the traumatic. But then again, maybe they are and that’s why I hadn’t been to the dentist in 12 years…well, whatever the case, that was the definition of a no tanto mucho moment!!!

Peace

September 14, 2006

Thursday

            So I have my first appointment with the dentist today, and for some reason, I’m not nervous. I know that in the next hour I won’t be able to feel half of my face, and that I will have holes drilled into my teeth, but for some reason, I’m not trippen! LOL!! Well, we’ll see what happens when I walk the Green mile to get there. But this is just the first appointment of many. Just a word of advice, don’t wait 12 years to go to the dentist and use dental floss. Oh man. This is a no tanto mucho moment if I ever heard of one.

            But anyway, in other news, in my quest for spiritual balance, I have decided to actually live by my quote of the day “Don’t mistake activity with productivity and really start to scale back. The weather is starting to get cooler, which means that I will be spending a lot more time in doors, so now is the time to focus. For real this time. My career as a writer has really been put on hold, for various reasons, and to be perfectly honest, I have been itching to fall back in love with my characters, to start spewing out poems, to be inspired by literature again. But with the change in seasons, and the introduction of great new music, I feel a sudden surge of creativity that I need to tap into. I had to stop for a while because I was starting to get bored with my voice. As an artist, its really easy to become trapped in your style. Pretty soon, everything starts sounding the same and then you just need a break from yourself. I was going through that a few months ago, but I got over it. As much as I complain, I am a fan of the Fall, and I feel like this change in season, might be just what I need to cultivate the change in my voice. My goal is to have the first draft of this novel completed by the end of 2006. I have about three months and some change to finish it up. I think we can make that happen. Anyway, I’m off to get holes drilled into my teeth...Pray for me y’all!!

B

September 05, 2006

If I had one wish

I had a conversation one of the students I worked with and we were talking about wishes. This student is in middle school and is very young and said that if she had three wishes, she would for lots of money, a big house, and more wishes. I told her that if I had three wishes, I would only use one, and that wish would be for a real life pause button. Now this button would be for my own personal use and can be used at any time, for any reason. So for example, on days like today, when I feel overwhelmed and just want five minutes to myself, or on those days, when the sleep is really good and getting up is the absolute last thing you want to do, the pause button comes to the rescue. With this amazing button, you can pause life and restart it when you are ready. With this button, I can avoid car accidents, uncomfortable conversations, and any other unpleasant situation. It could be a way to freeze a moment that is really nice and make it last longer, or just catch up on that time off you didn't get to really use because you were busy doing everything but relaxing. Yeah, it would be nice to have this wonderful button that could make life that much easier. I mean, really, think about it. In countries like Spain, where there is time set aside every day for naps, you don't hear about ridiculously high crime rates, why? Because they take naps! People underestimate the power of being rested. Even in our society, kids don't really start getting mean toward each other until 2nd and 3rd grade... Why because it is around that grade level that they stop taking those good naps during school. I think I am begining to see the pattern here! I know that my bad mood today is directly related to the fact that I am wearing myself out trying to live the life of three different people. Brandelyn the socialist, who is trying to change the world, one student at a time, Brandelyn the writer who doesn't even have the time to wind down enough to actually work on the book, and Brandelyn the friend, who tries to be there for as many people in as many capacities as possible, and I have to be real honest y'all. A sister is tired. Even my "vacations" are working vacations, so where is the balance? They say that you should take 10 minutes out of every day and do something for yourself, but they way the day usually goes, its over before I even realize that i've fallen asleep and then a few hours later, we do it all again. I don't even have time to wash clothes (Have that tide ready for me Mommie! LOL!) but then again, how would i feel if I didn't have a ton of things to do? I'd be bored. So I ask you...where is the balance? The balance is in the pause button. A little tool that gives you just a little extra time to get back in the game. Man, i would pay big money to make that happen!

I'm done venting! Thanks for tuning in....

B

August 29, 2006

Vegas Diaries Part 3ish

I promise part 1 is coming! LOL!!

So, here we are day two at the magic show and things are going cool. Today is flying by, which is cool, mainly because we decided that today was going to be a good day, and so far it has been. On my end, i have been introduced to a new magazine which i will be subscribing to when I get back to the bay. YRB which stands for Yellow Rat Bastards! LOL!! But it really is a good magazine and the free bag they gave with the magazine didn't hurt either! LOL!!! Today seems to be busier then yesterday. I think people are finally flying in and actually coming to the show. BUt if nothing else, this has been a crazy learning experience. FOr one thing, I am learning alot about fashion. One of the banners up says, "Fashion begins where rules end..." Clearly. It seems that one of the new trends in fashion include obnoxiously bright tennis shoes that have absolutely nothing to do with your outfit. So, for example, if you are wearing a green shirt, and khaki shorts, you will have one some purple, gold, yellow, burgandy and orange tennis shoes on to complete your fit. NO TANTO MUCHO! BUt it seems like obnoxious is the trend. THe brighter, the bolder, the more non-sensical it is, the closer you get to the true definition of fashion. And here I was thinking I was doing something by not ironing. Its crazy. The more you don't match and the more you just look a hot mess, the closer you are to fashion. Well, me being the non conformist that I am, I opt to just do me. Wife beaters, jeans and flip flops please, thankkkk youuuu... THis place is crazy!! LOL!! BUt I am having a really good time. For some reason as I stay here, I am getting more and more excited about my own career. Watching Lee do his thing, pursue his dream, take a chance and hope for the best, really makes me want to do the same. I'm really excited to see Ragamuffin next year and watch them blow up! I look forward to the day when we sit around talking about the days when we first got started. Ragamuffin is awesome because it stands for something. Like a lot of these companies, aren't about anything at all, but because they represent the garbage that the media has said is cool, and these buyers guess that people will buy them, so they snatch it up, even though, it stands for absolutely nothing. I don't know. Fashion is what it is, trends will come and go. But I do know that i'm about to go holler at some lime green, turquiose, banana yellow, chili red and black kicks...you don't know me son! I'm about to come back stunnin'!

 Peace Y'all!

August 28, 2006

Vegas Diaries

Okay, so I wrote a blog on my computer yesterday, and I don't have it with me now, but I will post it sometime this week.

Anywho...

TOday is the first day of the magic show and things are going cool. If nothing else it is really cool being in this type of environment. There are smaller companies such as Ragamuffin that are pulling out all the stops to get attention, and then there are the bigger companies, such as rocawear and phat farm that you have to make appointments to get in to. Crazy madness. I am very hopped up on my double espresso latte, and ready to make this happen. One thing i can say is that there are some GORGEOUS men here, 90 percent of which are gay, but dag nab they are so nice to look at! LOL!!! The current tempurature outside is 103 degrees...and i have to be perfectly honest and say that I am amped!!! Vegas is a whole other world though, i have to be really honest. Cedric the Entertainer was wrong when he said that you can't smoke on ERF anymore...that is not true. In planet Vegas, you are free to smoke whereever you want to without anyone saying anything to you at all. It really tripped me out the first time i saw a woman smoking in the casino, inside the building. There are ashtrays EVERYWHERE including in the chairs in the lobby Its crazy. I was not ready for that, but I have to say that this is a totally different world. I have never checked into a hotel and been asked to put something on the electricity bill!!! I'm not joking. THere was a 5 dollar per day energy deposit required! I almost fell out. So I paid the little fee, but you best believe that I am getting every penny worth! I had all the lights on, tv, computer, fan...don't play me...If I'm going to be paying bills, I'm going to be getting my monies worth! OAKLAND!!!! But yes, things are going well. I got my browing gel glistening on my legs and arms...trying come back chocolate!!! I'm tired of being the only light skinned person in vegas! LOL!!!! No for real. But anyway, Lee's looking at me crazy, so i need to get back to charming these buyers...I'll be back if anything exciting happens...lets cross our fingers I can snag one of these fine brothers!!! LOL!!! No for real!

Peace Y'all 

August 25, 2006

The Past

            Just when you think you are over the past, have moved on from it and let it go, it always manages to creep back in and sting you one good time, reminding you that it is there. It’s funny because as I really inch forward in my walk with God, I am almost anticipating some mess to happen, then here comes the past. I guess the difference is that I have amazing people in my life that I can call on and get perspective on things and will hold my hand when sometimes its too much. One great lesson I have learned in the past year is that you really don’t always have to be the good guy, and most importantly, you don’t have to explain yourself all the time! If I don’t want you in my life, or want you to be a part of mine, that is all that needs to be said, and its done. And the same goes for you. Not everyone you come in contact with, no matter how deep the history, deserves to be a part of your life. And then there are those people that you cling to with both hands and feet to make sure they don't drift away. The past is called that for a reason. Instead of letting it have power of me, because honestly, I could really be sitting here thinking about it, fretting over it, worrying about it, or I could simply not be, that is the beautiful thing about choices. We have the choice of whether or not to dwell on it, or to accept it for what it is, and move on. I am making the conscience choice to leave it where it is and move away from it. Sometimes, you have to close certain doors and leave certain things unsaid in order to move on, but I think that is a small price to pay for a little piece of mind. I realize that all of this is a lot easier said then done, but honestly, that is how it goes down sometimes. We have to make difficult choices in order to improve our own quality of life. And I will say this from now until the day I die…ROSA INC. is one of THE best things that ever happened to me! I love you ROSE! WHOOOOOO!!!

 

Peace Y’all!

August 24, 2006

Just Another Thursday

            So, today seems like it’s going to be a good day. I went into the doctor today and got my final check up and she says that I am fine and I’ve lost 11 pounds AND I can start going back into the gym. I can’t do any upper body work for the next two weeks, BUT I can do lower body and cardio, so I am super amped! I can start taking my crack pills again and get it cracking back in the gym…happy days are here again!! I’m excited!!!

            Tomorrow kicks off my super fabulous 9 count them 9 days off from work and life really. It all kicks off with a grown and sexy party with CAL’s elite Black graduate students and then off to Vegas for a week and then the Art and Soul Festival in Oakland…oh yes. It goes down. I wonder if this bright smile on my face has anything to do with the fact that the sun is actually out today?! LOL!!! It won’t last, but I feeling that this smile will!!!

            And one last thing that has me AMPED…Cal Football will be starting in just two short Saturdays, and yes I have my Season passes in the works, my “I Bleed Blue and Gold” t-shirt waiting for me and I am good to go. GO BEARS! So I am excited! Look out for those Golden Bears smashing through the PAC 10…maybe Fall isn’t so bad after all!! LOL! Peace Y’all!

August 23, 2006

Just a little Ranting and Raving! LOL!

I was going to write about the second half of the Katrina Documentary, but out of respect for my dear friend, who has yet to see it, but reads my blogs, I will refrain. But I will say this…make sure you watch it!!!

 

 

Anywho…I woke up this morning and looked out of my bedroom window and saw a vast grayness in the sky. If I didn’t know any better, I would thought we were in the middle of winter instead of the finals days of summer, but then I remembered, oh yes, I live in the bay. I feel like I have gotten jipped this summer! It seems like every year, without fail, I get to experience that one magical summer night. Where the weather is warm and inviting, you are out with friends, or with that summer crush, just being outside, feeling like you are doing something slightly sneaky, just being outside, late at night enjoying the warm weather. Its usually around the fourth of July where you get to sneak kisses underneath the fire works, or an unexpected beach trip that leads to staying up all night and sharing secrets with someone special. I mean one of those nights! I never got one of those!!!!!!!! Yes, I’m upset! As I sit here (in August, mind you) with my chucks, hat, sweater, wishing that I had worn a scarf, I wonder where my summer went. To me, the magic of summer falls as soon as the boiling sun sets and night meanders its way into the darkened equivalent of a warm spring day. Summer is about taking full advantage of as many hours as possible before you are forced to stay inside and protect yourself from the rain and cold. But oh no, not where I live! The Bay area offers you a full array of winter weather year round, with the occasional teaser of warm weather to remind you that, *smacks forehead, oh yeah its summer. LOL! Seriously, no matter how hot it gets during the day, as soon as the sun sets, the temperature drops down to nothing and we are bundled up in sweats and underneath comforters in the middle of August. No chance for summer magic, summer crushes, summer period. Sigh. Well, I have one more shot to just have a fun summer night when I go to Vegas, but that is mostly a business trip, so I’m not holding my breath! Man this sucks! LOL!!!

 

 

If you will allow me one more tangent, why are we in such a rush for everything? Last weekend, I went to Bath and Body works get some of my favorite hand soap and the saleswoman told me that I should stock up and give them as Christmas gifts. Homegirl, its August, calm down. I promise, as soon as fall hits, then the Christmas decorations go up in late September. So we jump from back to school to Christmas before we can even bat an eye and for what? When we are young, we want to rush to be old and when we get there, we want to reminisce on our youth. We microwave dinner instead of cooking and depend on Tivo to record our favorite shows so we can do fifty other things and then get back to our shows later. We get magazines a month in advance (which I must say is irritating when there are books and movies that you may want to support, but have to wait an entire month to do so) and get to see videos for our favorite artists, months before the CD even comes out. We watch movies instead of reading books, and send text messages instead of talking on the phone. What is the rush? People hardly even have personal relationships anymore, as technology slowly but surely takes over our lives. I can’t even call it man. I’ll take a warm hug over an e-card any day!

Okay, I’m done ranting! LOL!!! Peace Y’all

August 22, 2006

Katrina Documentary Part 1

            I have to be really honest right now and say that my ultimate love for Spike Lee has been revived. Last night was the first half of his documentary on Hurricane Katrina. And in my desire to convey what I saw last night, this is the moment where my frustration as a writer comes in because once again, I don’t have the adequate language to truly tell you what I felt in watching this film. One thing I really love about Spike Lee is that he didn’t beat around the bush and he didn’t tap dance around the issues, he brought everything out front and center for all to see and made us all really look at the tragedy that was the aftermath of Katrina. Even from basic things that you don’t even think about, to the blatant and tragic disregard of those who are supposed to be looking out for us.

            As someone who has deep ties to New Orleans, not just from my days at Xavier, but from my familial ties, I found myself stuck to the television for days after the hurricane, sickened and frightened by what I saw. I felt helpless as I dialed and redialed my brother and fathers phone numbers, hoping and praying that one of them would answer. I watched the people in the superdome, with no running water, over flooded and unusable bathrooms, no medical supplies or help, no basic needs, dead bodies surrounding them as loved ones died from heat and lack of food and water, all sitting in these conditions, and waiting for some type of relief. I watched these images everyday and never once did it dawn on me, that with all of these cameras and reporters documenting what was going on, that there was no help being provided. The people that were being pulled from the rooftops and were being rescued from their homes were being dropped off at the Superdome and left there with the same false sense of hope that someone was coming to rescue them. Spike Lee took it a step further and literally showed what each of Bush’s cabinet members were doing during the DAYS after the hurricane hit. Fishing, shopping, tightening up their tennis game, and claiming that they were unaware of what was going on. Now Bush *drops head and shakes it* Bush’s life…I just can’t call it. Bush sat in his office, sat on his plane, chilled and had various meetings, pretending as though the situation was not as bad as it was. He took trips to Mississippi, giving hugs to white women and kissing babies, defending his decision for continuing to send money to Iraq while people in New Orleans were dying. The National Guard, that can get to anywhere in the world in a day in a half did not show up for days after the hurricane.

The crazy thing is that in 1965 another really bad hurricane hit New Orleans and at that time, talk of the levees not being able to handle the impact of the storm was brought up. So apparently, this is not an old problem. Spike Lee showed a film reel, where President Lyndon Johnson, traveled to New Orleans in 1965 after Hurricane Betsy and was in the trenches with the people who had just lost their homes and possessions. One of the commentators said, that that act of just being there showed the people of New Orleans, that yes, America cared about them and that help was there. Then Spike cut to a picture of Bush sitting in the window of Air Force one looking out of a window at the devastation, never even coming down and viewing the tragedy first hand, except to kiss babies in hug white women in Mississippi. …right.

            One of the most powerful moments in the documentary for me was after the citizens were starting to get rescued after barely surviving for days in the conditions in the superdome, and then they were shuttled to busses and the airports where they were forced to stand for up to 15, 16 hours straight, waiting to get out of there. One of the things that I did not know was that people were being lied to about where they were being taken. Families were literally separated and spread out, without knowing where each other were going. Just. Like. Slavery. Oh man, that was so crazy to think about. One man was saying that it took him months to find where his family had been taken to because there was no way of communicating because no one knew where anyone was. Think about it. How crazy is that in today’s progressive, land of the free, people were still treated like animals, forced to live in unfathomable levels of filth and human remains, being completely stripped away from their families without knowing how to even get in touch with them. Imagine being dropped off in Utah, and being thrown the peace sign and not know how to get in touch with your loved ones. And what I love the most is that the people who were supposed to care the most, were in New York buying Manolo’s.

            Another thing I didn’t know was the fact that the mayor of New Orleans was so gangster! I love how he responded to the tragedy and it literally took him cussing out whomever was listening to the radio that day for help to finally come. He was in the trenches with his people, in the water, not bathing for 4 and 5 days because there was no running water. His only concern was for the welfare of his people. And the governor, let her petty beef with the Mayor delay the help because she wanted to prove a point. Come on! Mark Morial, the former mayor said it best when he said, when there is a situation as big as what was going on with Katrina, you should have enough sense to know that all political beef needs to be thrown out of the window and lives need to be saved. People were literally dying in front of our eyes and she wanted to take time to think about it to prove a point. This documentary is so crazy because honestly, the little things you don’t really think about, like what is it like to be sitting next to your mother, in the heat of a Louisiana summer, waiting for someone to come and rescue you, and realize that she is dead. And then have to sit next to her body for another three days while you are still waiting for help to come and rescue you. Or to hear the water gushing up your door and going back to save your wife who is in a wheelchair and ultimately having to release her and the wheelchair because the water is coming so quickly, and having to watch your wife sink into the water, and there is nothing you can do about it. All while our elected officials, are fishing, shopping and working on their tennis game.

            I don’t know if I am ready for part two…but watching this film has put a lot of things into perspective for me…I’m just saying.

August 21, 2006

Catching up

Oh, it’s been a minute. Things have been so hectic with work that I haven’t had two seconds to rub together to blog, much less, live! LOL! But I’m back. Still busy, frazzled, but at peace because when it all boils down to nothing, I’m happy.

           

            Fantasia:

This weekend, I spent a lot of time, recuperating from work, and I happened onto the Fantasia Barrino story. I’m not going to get on the acting, or the technicalities of the film, but it was her story itself that touched me. I knew that she was a teenage mother and had a hard life, but it was really touching to see her story. She struggled with a lot of issues that I myself have struggled with, and it was really amazing to see how she was able to deal with those issues, and come up from it. And her winning, was not just a matter of luck and talent, it depended a lot on her faith and her passion to provide her daughter with a better life then she had. I felt her. I’m a big fan of hers and it was really amazing the way that she was able to be so open about her mistakes and her past. I know that she was able to inspire a lot of people with that.  And okay, I have speak on Lorretta Divine as her grandmother, who was the minister of her church, who opened up the film talking about how she was a minister despite the fact that she had children out of wedlock by a no count man who ran away from his responsibilities…um…right. But it was an interesting watch. Holler at it on Lifetime.

 

Love:

            So my Rrrosa, sent me a really beautiful email, that I’m sure all of you have read at some point, but there were few quotes, I feel the need to share.

 Love is…

 

"When   someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."

 

“Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”

 

"Love   is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

 

"You   really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

 

I thought these were really beautiful and wanted to share. I hope they make at least one person smile today.

 

Purpose:

            So I am currently reading The Purpose Driven Life and man, it is already putting things into perspective for me. One quote that I read this morning that was like a slap in the face was “Don’t mistake activity for Productivity.” For me, I don’t feel like I am accomplishing anything unless I am super busy. But one of the main principles this book is teaching me is to focus in on one thing and dedicate myself to that in order to be productive. If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. How productive can you truly be doing 30 things at once? But if you take life, one day, one task, one goal at a time, the productivity will increase. That is awesome. This book is really good. I’d recommend it to anyone who is just trying to get their lives together! LOL!! Peace y’all!

August 15, 2006

I'm just saying; Volume 3

Glamour Magazine’s Latest Sensation

Okay, so a few months ago, my girl Jill and I were walking down the street and we were stopped by this girl who said she worked for Glamour Magazine. So anyway, she interviewed us and took our pictures and left it at that. About a month and a half later, I received an email from Glamour asking me about the meanest thing I have ever done. I thought about and I have never done anything overtly mean before, so me being the creative genius I am, made up a story.  After a few email and fax exchanges, I didn’t think anything about it. So yesterday, I was in the grocery store and saw the September issue of Glamour staring at me from the shelf. I grabbed it and shifted through 7000 mascara Prada bag advertisements and didn’t see my picture. So I bought the magazine and gave it a good going through when I got home. I still didn’t see it. A part of me was irritated because I was lightweight amped to be in this magazine, but a part of me was relieved because the story I made up was completely untrue, and really quite mean when you think about it. LOL! So I was flipping through the magazine once again, just looking at the varying types of mascara ( I mean who knew) and lo and behold on the bottom of the page, is my smiling face and my completely fabricated story. LOL!!!!!!! I’m not sure how I feel about it, but it is cool to say that I was interviewed for Glamour Magazine and that I have officially broken into the magazine world! They are not ready!!! LOL!!. Holler at the September Issue, page 246, and no the story is not true! LOL!!!

 

The Bay Area…

Listen. I love the bay, I really do. But all of this schizophrenic weather?! I can’t take it! Even the trees are confused thinking its fall, changing colors and dropping leaves everywhere! ITS AUGUST!!!!!!!! It should not be 24 degrees outside in the sunshine. If this is an indication of what winter is going to be like, I’m moving! Y’all don’t know me!!! I did that whole coldest winter ever thing and I’m cool! I’ll move to Hawaii or something…fly south for the winter. Don’t play me! Lets warm it up out here bay, okay…lets ixnay all of the fog and winter gloom and save that for the appropriate months…kay? Thanks!

Skip- Bo

Anyone who truly knows me, knows that I am extremely competitive about two things. Cal football (GO BEARS) and card games. So this weekend we had students come up from southern California for a program we were having and any time you have 40 black people and some down time, its either going to be cards or domino’s. We had both. So all weekend, I was killen’ em with the Gin Rummy and J Stunnas could not see me on the speed! I was going. So the students broke out another deck of cards that I immediately thought was UNO, another great classic of which I am THE REMAINING PARKER STREET CHAMPION…THANK YOU…(sorry, I had to bang on people who don’t remember the statistics…I told you I was competitive! LOL!). Anyway, this particular game was called Skip-Bo and it is so much fun! It’s a little more complicated then UNO, but just as fun! I’d never even heard of the game, but man was it fun! I’m all about it!! So, a big shout out to my EB students who hipped me to the game!

 

Peace y’all!

August 11, 2006

I'm just sayin': Volume 2

            HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMIE!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I’m Just Saying: Volume 2

 

           

Just Chill out Man:

For the past few days I have been extremely anxious and irritated and blah and I’m not even taking those crack pills my Trainer gave me, so I could not figure out what was going on. I began getting tired of everything. Tired of the monotony of the day, of things not happening in the timely manner I would prefer them to, of my writing voice because everything was sounding the same, of the shows on television, of the men in my life, of everything really. So I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of changes I can make in my life. Another tattoo? Dye my hair? Move? I don’t know.  So this morning I sat in my office complaining to my dear friend, who by the way owns THE HOTTEST clothing company in the world: Ragamuffin Clothing Inc., (www.ragamuffinclothing.com) shout out, and he said two words to me, two words that have been ringing true in my spirit, but I have been ignoring it…Be Still. I just need to be still. God is working things out for me, and I need to be anxious for nothing. I need to learn to take people as they are and stop creating my own expectations of them, especially the men in my life. I need to stop projecting my future and just live in the now. So, I hear you Lord. I’m being still…

 

Carol’s Daughter:

            Okay…we all know about my obsession with Carols Daughter. So yesterday, I get a letter in the mail from Carols daughter and instantly I am super excited. I met the owner while in Houston, so of course I knew this was her writing to me to tell me that she wanted to sponsor my entire life and bring me in under her wing. Well, that wasn’t quite it, but it was the next best thing. A few months ago, I placed an order and it took about 6 weeks for them to get it to me. It was funny because there were some things that I’d ordered after the original order that came right away, so I was really confused. So anyway, I called talked to my girl Tiesha, (yes, I have friends who know me there now, and?!) and she promised that it was on its way. It eventually came two weeks later (now 8 weeks after the original order) but I wasn’t really trippen because I was excited to get my stuff. They even upgraded the sizes of a few of the things I’d ordered, so I was cool. So I get this letter yesterday and it was a form letter from the owner apologizing for the mix up with a gift certificate included. WHAT?!!!!! So, not only do you upgrade my products without charging me, but you send letters and gift certificates to apologize for my products getting here late?!! That is awesome!! I love carols daughter and I encourage y’all to support this wonderful Black owned company!! www.carolsdaughter.com!

 

My website:

            So I’m just throwing in a shameless plug for my own website (www.beencee.com). I need to get more hits on it. I will be revamping the entire thing really soon, so check that out. And tell a friend!!! I was told that word of mouth is better then any print advertisement you can get! So lets start spreading the word! Oh and I’m also a bonafide model now! Reppin’ that good RAGAMUFFIN CLOTHING the HOTTEST clothing line out!!! What!!!!

August 09, 2006

I'm Just Sayin': Volume 1

I’m Just sayin’ Volume 1

 

Black People and the Compact Disc…

            Now listen, anyone who knows me, knows that I am a connoisseur of music. I love it! I live and breathe it! I’m the one who will drop my last five dollars on a used Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation CD just to get that old feeling back. So when I get into  your car, or go to your house and see CD’s tossed across the floor and used as coasters, why on Earth, would you ask me to borrow one of mine? AND THEN get upset when I look at you crazy and say no?! Come on now playa, let be realistic. IF I wanted the DJ Clue remix of a song, I would go buy it! I don’t want my CD scratching and mixing, with Diddy in the back talking about take that take that when I get it back from you. So the answer is no…so don’t ask! LOL!!!

 

Flavor of Love…

            Now listen, judge ALL you want to, but I am a FAN of Flavor of Love! This show is THE most entertaining hour I have all week and yes I watch the re-runs! It is not often that I get to fall out and contemplate life on cue, so, yes, I am going to watch this madness and enjoy it! I feel like my Sunday nights are back! I love it!!! The quote of the show for me personally was ahem… “You better stop interrupting my prayers before God directs me to whoop your ass again..” I mean come on now! Tomfoolery at its absolute finest!!!!!

 

Club Music…

            The other day, I wrote about Clubs versus lounges, and I forgot the most important aspect. THE MUSIC!!!!!!!! Now the lounge, played the most amazing variety of music I ever heard. Matter of fact, half of the time, I had no IDEA what the song was, but I was grooving anyway! LOL!! No for real, I had no idea, but the beat will get you. Now, the club, is not quite the same thing. The clubs will literally and unabashedly play the SAME. THREE. SONGS. Over and over and over again, with no remorse, and all of the drunken hordes of half naked people will continue to snap and stare to it until the fight breaks out that ends the ‘fun’. Again I say No Tanto Mucho.

 

Dinner…

            Since my schedule for the summer is a bit more flexible then your average workday, I have been treating myself to nice little dinners at the house. Complete with a variety of menus and sparkling wine to top it off. Its has been fabulous. The other day, I created THE most bootleg marinade ever known to man that turned out to be THE BOMB! Now because I am never one that is selfish, I will share the bootleggedness of my creation. Start with the meat of your choice, I used steaks. Then season as you wish. I prefer the Tony’s Creole seasoning and a touch of Garlic salt. Make sure you get both sides good. Next, take some orange juice, no to low pulp content please, and pour over your meat leaving about a half an inch covering on the bottom of the pan. Next, take some green salsa, (you know the green salsa you get from the Rubio’s or Baja fresh’s of life, with the onions and cilantro) and evenly distribute over the meat. Take a red onion and slice and sprinkle over the meat. Let sit for at least 24 hours in the refrigerator and then cook as normal…listen…it sounds crazy…but that was some good steak son!

 

            Well, I must thank you for sharing in these thoughts. Sometimes, you just have to get things off of your chest…the thoughts that run through your mind… And for all my bay area folks. Please get out and enjoy this rare and so lovely sunshine!! Peace Y’all!

 

August 07, 2006

A few Random Thoughts

A few random thoughts…

 

Clubs VS Lounges…

            This weekend with all of the wedding celebrations and what not…I took full advantage of having my ROSE in town and we took to the streets. I must admit that most of the weekend found me in an Ibuprofen haze, but so be it! The party must go on! Anyway, Friday night we went to the Air Lounge and we quite surprised at the amount of fun we had. There is something about chilling in a dimly lit room with an apple martini in hand surrounded by Black professionals who have sense. Saturday night however was a different story. We went to an actual club and the entire scene was the exact opposite. The air was thick with the smell of illegal substances, the women spent the entire time being as obnoxious as possible and what would a club experience be without the threat on your life as you exit. This time it was bottles being thrown from the window down onto the people outside. And then, as we are walking to the car, there are the greasy, gold tooth brothas who are clearly high and or intoxicated who just want to be your friend…sigh. Of course, this is where wearing clothes becomes a good thing because if you are not showing skin, you are thereby invisible and thereby safe. Turtlenecks it is! So yes, it is lounges from now…thanks.

 

Weddings…

            This weekend was the wedding of my boy Karl Thomas. It was interesting being there and listening to what the minister was saying. During the ceremony, he gave the definition of what a man is and should be and how he should live and in that moment, I had such clarity. I deleted several numbers from my phone, took a good look at myself in the mirror and got my sanity back. Queen B is back in the building and all of the garbage has been cleaned up from around my block. The ceremony was beautiful because you saw two people genuinely in love. He really loves her and she feels the same about him, it was so refreshing to see. Loveliness.

 

Friends…

            My Rose was in town this weekend and it was so nice having her around. This is just a shout out to those true friends who just know you and know who you are and accept it as it is. The kind of friend who can come into your house in between cleanings and be just as comfortable if it were immaculately clean. The kind of friend you can just chill with and enjoy life with. That is important. I loved having my girl in town! Love you ROSE!!! WHOOOOOO!!!

 

Neck Injuries…

            Now, I knew that I was doing too much when we got all dolled up and headed for the club. And yes that was why I spent most of my time with my back leaned against something and no it didn’t stop me from dancing. Yes I did pay the consequences the next day and am paying them now, but damn it I’d do it again! And no it NEVER okay to lean with or rock with it when you have neck injuries…Thank heaven for Ibuprofen….

 

Ghetto Kids…

            A few days ago, I ranted and raved about the educational system and the children in it and how kids are rude and all that. But I owe the kids an apology. Its not really their faults. It is the parents. I recently came in contact with those responsible for rude children and all I am going to say is that the apple does not fall far from the tree. From what I can see, the apple never left the tree…we need to work on that.

 

Braids…

            I recently had the front of my hair braided and I guess they were a little too tight because the result ended in my Rose having to perform a minor surgery on my head. Oh well, the wounds will heal and at least I got some good pictures out of it!!! Take that take that!

 
 

Anyway, that’s it for today! Peace and Blessings!

 

August 02, 2006

What good is it?

            For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us.
Let us not be selfish. We are to be a blessing to others. If you don't share what you have been blessed with, it is not worth having and It can be taken away...”

            I got this quote from my affirmations that I read every day. Every once in a while, something will stick out. This was it. How easy is it to expect for someone to do something for us, but then not even think to return the same gratitude to them? Or even to someone else. We live in a time where people are very much so about their own business. Forget what you are going through, its all about me. But if you think about it, how far can you get by yourself? We really do need to take time and do something good for others. Stop being so selfish with our time and our money and our thoughts and use that to be a blessing to someone else. Tomorrow is not promised, and it is true that all of the material things we gain down here will stay right down here when its our time to go. But won’t it make you feel like a better person knowing that you sacrificed that 20 you would have spent on lunch even when you have food at home to help a friend out with gas money? The saying that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away is so true. Really take some time and listen to your friend when they are saying that they need help. They might not outright say it, but you can always tell when there is a need. Try and do one nice thing for someone else everyday without the expectation that there will be a reward for you in return. You would be surprised at how much of a blessing you can be to someone else, just by being nice.

Peace.

B

July 25, 2006

The Naked Truth

            For most of us, women especially, one of the hardest things we can ever do is look at ourselves totally naked in the mirror. We might have a little breast action once we step out of the shower and are brushing our teeth in the bathroom, but I’m talking about that full length, let me see me, taking in of ourselves in the mirror. Even as little kids we are told that being naked is a bad thing and we need to cover ourselves up. We are conditioned over the years by our families and our society that exposure of skin is something bad. Like when we wear that shirt that exposes a little bit of cleavage or a skirt that shows a little too much leg, we have that little extra twinkle in our eyes because we feel like we are getting away with something bad. But at the same time, when we see another sister doing the same thing, the thought that she is doing a little too much just might cross our minds as well. (Don’t act like that has never happened!) But the point is that it is hard to fully look at yourself naked in the mirror and truly examine your body. This is especially hard for big girls, but I think that we all need to get over ourselves and start loving ourselves, for all of our nakedness and flaws.

            For me, I’ve really been trying to discover who Brandelyn the woman is and all of that is included in all the working out and candles and wine and all that, but one of my biggest problems was being able to look at myself in the mirror. I’ve always been told that I have a pretty face, and have even convinced myself that I am only beautiful from the neck up. I have been known to look at a man crazy if he tells me I’m sexy because I have never been able to think of myself that way. My face is not sexy, its cute…because that is what I am…cute…Well, I’m stopping all that. Its like India.Arie says: “I'm gonna take off all my clothes, Look at myself in the mirror, We're gonna have a conversation, We're gonna heal the disconnection, I don't remember when it started, But this is where it's gonna end, My body is beautiful and sacred, And I'm gonna celebrate it.” And why shouldn’t I celebrate me? This is the only body I’m ever going to have, so why not appreciate it now? Some people may think this is a pride thing, but really it isn’t. Its about learning to love yourself, flaws and all and just accepting every aspect of what makes you, you. I call it a re-birth of self and it really has freed me of a lot of my own issues. You’d be surprised at how refreshing it is to just look at yourself and acknowledge that yes you do have flaws, but so what…it doesn’t make you any less of a person…It actually makes you even better of a person because each scar has a story…every bump and bruise is sign of life and we need to get over ourselves and just embrace that. So go home, take off your clothes and get in that mirror. Don’t turn your head away, but really look. Get to know you and learn to TRULY love you! That is the only way we can begin to grow!! Peace!!!

 
 
 

July 20, 2006

I'm just sayin'

            Last night I went to the poetry spot and had a great time. My girls were there with me and the sexy rasp I have from this battle with laryngitis I have going added a nice affect to the poem I read on the mic. So as the various poets were going up, one brotha got up, a recent UCLA grad and started speaking about the genocide on black intellectuals that were going on. Now, I personally was merely enjoying myself and the nice little buzz I had from the apple martini + shot I had just consumed, so I was slightly thrown when the entire vibe of the room had changed and this rather angry black man got on the mic, until I started listening to him. He was expressing his anger toward the declining numbers of Black students applying and enrolling in college. As he continued to speak, spitting out various statistics and numbers, I realized that he was absolutely right. There is a genocide happening on the Black intellectual, and the sad thing is that it is so cleverly masked that people aren’t even aware that it is going on.

            Throughout the UC system specifically, there has been an astoundingly drastic decrease in the number of black students being admitted. They say its because students are applying, but I can say that that is absolutely not the case. Within the past two years there have been numerous programs created (my own job included) that have been designed to combat this, but of course, this is under the assumption that students are actually getting what they need in high school, but that is a whole other topic in itself. But yes, there are less and less black people in college for whatever reason, and no one seems to be worried about it. It seems that the thinking has shifted to “as long as this child graduates from high school, I’m satisfied.” But when did that become enough? Now, of course, I understand that college is not for everyone; I get that. But people need to realize that college is not specifically about the classes and the book knowledge you will gain. College, for me, was about learning how to hustle, learning how to never take no for an answer and how to fight for what I wanted. College was about milking my connections to get where I needed to be. The relationships I have made (shout out to the class of 2004), with all of this countries future lawyers, doctors, actors, actresses, teachers, writers, philanthropists, earth changers; relationships that will last for the rest of my life. College is about learning who you are, what you will accept, what you will not, and how everything else fits in between. College is a door opener. Having alumni, people that you have no other connection with except for the fact that you went to the same school (many years apart from each other I might add) who are willing to hook you up with that job and get you connected so you can help out the next. But if these numbers continue to dwindle down that way they have, who will be left to help? We already have white students infiltrating the HBCU’s and taking advantage of our specific scholarships because there is no one there to fill in the blanks. If things continue in the direction they are going, we’ll be back to the days when the schools were just desegregated and there were only 5 black students in the school.

            Now, let me get off my soap box and say that there are things being down to change this trend, but my fear is that it is too little too late. An alumni I met recently told me that her incoming freshman class had over 900 people in it!!! I don’t think that there have been 900 black students at Cal since then, period! Now we are lucky to get 100 black incoming freshman, and this is less than 10 years after that particular class came in. Currently, numbers have not been this bad since the 1960’s…um…right. So, I think, that as a people, we need to continue to be more aware of what is going on around us and not let things get to the point of desperation before we actually try to do something about it.

July 19, 2006

Wonderfulness

            Yesterday was an amazing day. For the first time in a long time, I just did my own thing all day and it was fabulous. I told my Rose that everyday should be like this and she flat out told me that if it was I would be incredibly old right now…so I let the idea burn, but it was a great birthday. It’s funny because for the first time, I wasn’t overly reflective this year. I had a conversation with an old friend and we were both really stuck on the fact that we were now 27. I know that 27 is not by any means old, but damn, it was truly a real slap in the face that whether I wanted to acknowledge it or not, I am a bona fide adult. Crazy. For some reason though, I did feel some sort of shift occur yesterday. For instance, I’m tired of looking like a boy every time I go out, or to work, so I’m starting to step my game up. Oh but please believe that Brandelyn will be fabulously fly without breaking her wallet! Not that much has changed! LOL!!! Shirt: 7.99 Capri’s: 14.00…Sandals: 5.98…Looking and feeling incredible for under 30 dollars…priceless…

            I also had another realization yesterday! I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself to finish the new book…and I have to ask myself…for what? There is no reason to rush this. The book is so important to me because of the content and the situations that I am going to make sure it is on point, instead of rushing through it to make sure it is available. So I’m taking my time with this one.  I figure if my favorite artists can take 5 years to produce their new albums and I’m still down for them, then I think my audience can wait a year or so for the new book. So, that is a huge pressure taken off of my shoulders, and I must say that I’m excited to get back to work on it! So we shall see! Anyway, I want to thank everyone for all of the birthday love yesterday!!! I feel a creative surge happening, so get ready for it!!!

Peace Y’all!

B

July 14, 2006

Workout 101 (Update)

Going through my old blogs, I realized that I haven't written about my workout antics lately. So... And this is especially for you Mr. Michael =)!

As most of you know, I just got back from participating in large doses of tomfoolery in Houston. The plan was to continue my workout plan whilst (thats a word thats a word) I was in the TX, howeverrrrr, things did not quite go according to plan. But no worries, my Sands was waiting for me the day after i got back with his handy dandy whistle and stop watch around his neck excited about making up for lost time. I wish I could say that i shared in his enthusiam, but i would be lying. Luckily, he knows me extremely well and gaged that today just was not the day, so we did a mini work out which consisted of 10 mintutes on the ski machine and 20 mintutes on the treadmill, followed by a series of crunches and we're off. Not so bad. My body was back to releasing those good endorphines and we were back in business. I left the gym feeling great. Now usually i go to the gym every other day, however, due to my...ah...inefficiency in Houston, I had to pay for that by going to the gym double time when I got back home. So the next day, I was back in the gym. Now as a sidebar, I like the gym on the weekends. There is no wait for any of the machines. The music is typically better. There on average about 5 people in there at a time and the whole experience is just more pleasant. Until I am there to make up for lost time. So we are in the gym, working it out, my life is falling to shambles as I am squatting to the ground wondering why i let this man talk me into placing this HEAVY ASS bar across my neck, but you know, i'm  G, so I fought through it. I'm sweating, working it out, proud of myself for adding more weights to the machines and just generally getting stronger ( I SEE YOU B!) and once again, I leave the gym feeling great. Until the next morning. My legs were the epitome of all things sore and I'm expected to WALK on them? No Tanto Mucho!!! But Thankfully, my Sands, who knows me oh so well, was impressed my workout and let me have the next day off. (Perhaps that is why I was in such a euphoric state that day...please refer to the Hummingbirds blog...) Anyway. Monday...is where my life fell apart. Sands showed up with that evil grin on his face and I knew that the Ambulance would be waiting for me outside. After lifting every weight in the gym, i was told to spend 50 minutes on the treadmill. Um...what? Instead of complaining because some of my excersises for the day eliminated, I decided to cuss him out in my head this time, instead of to his face and just suck it up and get on the mill. So i get on my little machine, fire it up and focus my attention on the tv in front of me. YES!!! Friends is on!! I know for at least half of my torture session, I will be entertained! So I'm going, i'm in the zone, I'm chuckling at the show on the inside, because actual laughter is asking me to expend too much energy, and then BAM! the dag nab machine decides its done for the day and shuts off...what the hell?! DIZAMN! I do a quick survey and see another machine just opened up. I stroll to the other side, bitter that i was so abruptly taken out of my zone and fire up the new machine. Luckily, the tv above my head was also showing Friends, so I was back in the game. For some reason, I got so wrapped up in the show and then Seinfeld (which was actually pretty funny this time, or maybe it was my desperation for anything but this treadmill to think about, i don't know) but before i knew it, I was on the mill for an hour. Whoa. No tanto Mucho! When i stepped off, I felt as though I was floating and life once again was beautiful. Until I stepped outside into Antartica (AKA the Bay Area when the sun goes down) and got a cold with fever from standing outside waiting for the bus, soaking wet from having just worked out and its 40 degrees outside. ANd the soreness that i experienced the day before was inhanced by my stint on the mill...once again...No tanto mucho... So ladies and gentleman, the moral of the story is...workout when you are supposed to and always bring a jacket when you live in the bay!

Half a dress size and counting!!!

Peace Y'all

B

July 13, 2006

My pen is alive again!

I know I haven’t blogged in a while. Part of it is work responsibilities keeping me busy, and the other part is that I was tired of hearing my voice. I kept hearing myself and it all sounded the same. And, if I can be real honest for a second, ever since the book came out, my pen has been dead. Try as I may, I have not been able to write, a thing, just my repetitive blogs. But last night, I had a breakthrough of sorts, and my pen was resurrected. So, I want to post a poem I just wrote. It is as of yet untitled, and I’m still working on it, but I would love to hear what you think…peace y’all

 

 

7.13.06

Standing here squeezing both hands to my middle

Trying in vain to catch the water between my fingers

Praying that I could stop it

Before it all began to melt away

Then

Here came you

I was doing just fine

Solid in my ice cold melody

Carefully humming my ice cold blues

Frozen against the ability to remain cold

Wanting the possibility of remaining stone

Until, You kissed me

I told myself that I was going to be fine

A strong, independent sista, doing it for herself

Living my life on platinum

Rejoicing in my full bloom

Until, you kissed me

And just like Adam because of Eve

I was suddenly able to see EVERYTHING around me

My eyes could see my need to hide behind my accomplishments

And my need to feel important

And I became aware of my need

My need to be touched and teased

My need to be held and squeezed

To wake up with your breath on my neck

To grin stupidly when I get that text

But most importantly

To know,

Because you said so

That you feel the same as me

I see that I’ve gotten so good at keeping my temperature frozen

Pausing time just when I feel that I’m about to melt

Taking that moment to recollect myself

Reform my frozen pieces until they fit

But your lips grazed mine

Gently at first

As though you were asking if it was okay

To take my breath away

And as your hands grazed the back of my neck

I felt the first drop begin to fall

And this time

I couldn’t move to catch it

I let it continue to fall

And soon it was followed by another

And while the drops continued to travel along the length of my body

I paused and looked into your eyes

Blinking quietly at the realization of your touch

Asking silently if it was okay to give my breath away

And I didn’t realize that I was numb

Until you kissed me

 

 

 

July 10, 2006

Hummingbirds

            Yesterday was one of those rare days in the bay where everything was so perfect and clear that even the homeless people were chillen. I decided to take full advantage of the day, so I went to an outdoor café, ordered a sandwich and peach Italian soda, and pulled out my manuscript and settled underneath the sun’s kisses. The problem with days like that is that sun is so delicious, it always coaxes you not to work, but rather to sit there and simply enjoy its power. Its kind of like a good massage, no matter what else you have going on, or what you have going on in your mind, all you can really do is sit there and enjoy it. So as I was sitting there underneath the tree filled with little pink and white flower blossoms, a tiny hummingbird appeared out of nowhere and began floating around above my head in the tree. Instantly, I became a six year old staying at Nana’s house. It would always be one of those Saturdays, where everything was quiet. There was no television or radio on, the house had been vacuumed and dusted and aired out, and the streets were lazily calm, and the house was filled with an overwhelming peaceful quiet. I remember lying on the floor on Nana’s rug in the living room, reading books, and Nana sitting on her corner of the couch, going through her magazines. All of a sudden, she’d whisper, “Brandee, come here, be quiet now.” I crawl over to her on my hands and knees and climb up next to her on the couch. I knew what was coming and I was excited. We would both look out the window and watch, as a tiny hummingbird would float silently around the flowered bush outside of the front window. “Nana, where are its wings?” I would always whisper, watching it float around. Nana would smile and always say the same thing, ‘they’re there baby. They’re just moving so fast, you can’t see them.” And to me, that moment was magic. Sitting next to my Nana, watching the hummingbird seemingly float from bloom to bloom, as I literally held my breath, afraid that if I made any noise, I would scare it away. And I knew those moments were magic because, no matter what was going on, the only time I ever saw a hummingbird was when I was with my Nana, in her living room, laying on the floor, secretly waiting to see if I would get to see one of those birds again. Sometimes, when Nana wasn’t around I would even sit at the window and wait for hours for one to come, but they never did. I always thought that Nana had something to do with me seeing the Magic birds (LOL) so when I saw one yesterday, it took me back to those moments and I realized that I had a fat grin on my face. Life really is about taking in the little things and appreciating those moments that make you smile, and hold on to those moments when times get hard. If you have a memory that makes you laugh, hold on to it and keep it. It’s okay to start giggling to yourself when that thought crosses your mind. I think we so often try to suppress ourselves and try to be “adults” meaning that we can’t laugh or enjoy life as much as we once would. But that is not the case at all. Yesterday, as I sat literally soaking in the sun, I thanked God for my life and for all the things I have been blessed with. Yes there have been hard times and mistakes and mistakes and mistakes, but things could be a lot worse. I can see a hummingbird and think of my Nana, then call her and tell her about it and have her appreciate my story. Life really is precious and beautiful and when we think about it, we’ll realize that its really just a bunch of little moments stacked up on top of each other forming a smile until we are so full we have to laugh. And yes, that is what life is all about. 

July 04, 2006

Oh yes!

1

Oh boy. There is so much going through my head right now!! First of all, let me say that I am having THE most amazing time in Houston. I don’t know whether it’s the fact that I’m here with my girls, or the overwhelming feeling of freedom I have being on vacation. Whatever it is, Houston is most definitely agreeing with me! The whole point of me coming out here was to attend the Essence Festival and it has been so amazing. The first night I came we went straight from the airport to a club and I forgot all about the humidity. But honestly, I prefer it! It is so nice to walk around at night in shorts and a tank top and just being cool. Even the rain isn’t that big a deal because it’s still hot!!! This is what summer is supposed to be! LOL!!! But anyway, my girl Nikki hooked up an appointment with Lisa Price the owner and creator of Carols Daughter INC. and she was so amazing. I didn’t need any consultation on her products because I have her entire line in my closet (no for real) so I just talked to her. I told her about my books and my dreams and my goals and how much I was inspired by her and her story. (You all should really read her book “Success never smelled so sweet” if you need a little inspiration) and I think she really felt what I was saying. The funny thing is that I was so nervous to talk to her. But I got over that, and gave her a copy of the book, which she was excited about and promised that I would see her in September when she came out to the bay. Something about that meeting really sparked an excitement in me. We went to the festival the next day and I had to face another one of my fears and pass out flyers. Thank goodness my friends were there to tell me to stop being such a punk and just suck it up! LOL, but it was cool because every person I talked to was really receptive and most were really excited about the book. My website has been getting more and more hits so clearly the flyers have worked! I also submitted my book to a national book club for selection as one of their books of the month. So yeah. I am super motivated and excited. I’m about to start just making major moves, so to all of my friends and family, I apologize right now for all of the emails and invitations and propaganda you are about to receive! LOL!! But don’t throw them away, just give them to a friend. A woman at the Festival told me that word of mouth advertising was better then any advertising in a publication. I firmly believe that…so I am about to be on the grind. It’s a whole new day. I am so excited.

 

Oh yeah! And Happy Fourth of July!!!!!!

1

June 28, 2006

Little Me

            A few months ago, Essence Magazine did this thing where they had celebrity women write a letter to their younger selves, giving them advice about how to handle the mistakes they will eventually make and words of wisdom from their older selves. This morning, for some odd reason, I felt the need to pick up one of my old journals. The first page was dated July 18th, 1999, my 20th birthday. I kept talking about how excited I was that I wasn’t a teenager any more and that I was actually in my 20’s! LOL!! It became painfully clear that throughout the course of this journal, I had exactly two goals in life. One was to attend Fisk University (now, present day, I can’t remember why I was so adamant about going to this particular school, but I was dead set on going) and my second goal in life was to pledge Delta. Every decision I made in my life and every step I took was strategically planned and dedicated toward the achievement of both of those goals. I was completely focused! I had my eyes on the prize! Nothing was going to stop me! LOL!! Man. Its crazy though because reading through this journal, I look back at my relationships, friendships, crushes, and goals and its like watching a scary movie you’ve seen a million times! You want to yell out to the screen “RUN GIRL!! DON”T STOP! AW MAN, TURN LEFT GIRL, TURN LEFT!!!!!! AW DAMN!!! SHE TURNED RIGHT!”

            As I continue to read through this journey, I can’t help but to be amazed at my innocence. I actually wrote about dating someone who actually told me that he didn’t know why he was

with me because he thought I was beneath him. … Excuse me? I had to take a moment to pause there. My reaction in that situation, as a 20 year old was to change myself and adapt to whatever he wanted. My reaction almost 7 years later is quite different. But that is a whole other blog that would probably end with me going to jail, but we’ll talk about that later! LOL!! Anyway, I wish I could write my younger self a letter. Let my younger self know that it’s okay to love herself and to embrace her so-called flaws. Its okay to be goal oriented and to achieve more then what is expected of her. It is okay to dream and fight for those dreams. I would tell myself that any adaptation of self in order to please is a clear indication that he simply is not the one for her. I would tell myself that she is the only one holding herself back because she is the only one in control of her decisions. I would tell myself not to be caught up in the fantasy of the thing and look at something for what it truly is, not for what she has created it to be in her mind. I would tell myself not to hold on to the petty arguments and differences of opinion. To embrace the true friendships she has been blessed with and hold on to them for dear life because true friendship is the most precious thing in the world. I would tell myself that it is okay to be a silly, funny, crazy, spontaneous, giving, loving, open, honest, creative, and full of life as she feels the need to be. I would tell myself not to be so hard on her Mother and to truly appreciate her for everything she is and to tell her mom that she loves her more. I would tell myself that instead of complaining about what she doesn’t have, truly appreciate everything that she does have. I would tell myself to love life with everything she has and to love like she have never had her heart broken, because trust me buttercup, it is coming!!

            It was interesting seeing the little me. I wonder what I will be saying about my journals ten years from now! LOL! Lord, I can only imagine. But I’m so glad I have been able to shed myself of the mentality I had all those years ago, and even though I do still make mistakes, it is really comforting to know that I can look back and grow from them. Even if there are a few tears and bruises along the way.

June 22, 2006

Back in the day...when things was coo'...

            If you know me at all, you know that I have an addiction to VH1 Soul…that is the BEST channel ever made! It features a truly eclectic mix of conscience hip-hop, neo soul live music and OLD school videos from WAY back in the day! I’m talking videos from the 80’s and 90’s, stuff you haven’t seen or even thought about in YEARS!!! It is honestly nothing for me to sit and watch this channel and literally fall out from the tomfoolery that it constantly brings! I love it! For example, last night, the run down featured, “Superwoman” by Karyn White, “N.E. Heartbreak” by New Edition, “Dial my heart” by the Boys and” One more chance” by Biggie…Yes, quiet the eclectic mix. But it made me start to really miss music. I remember in high school, anytime a Biggie record came on, it was OVER! The whole party would go crazy! OR making up dance routines on Nana’s stereo to the new New Edition tape, or singing my heart out with Mom’s favorite brush to the new DeBarge record. Man, those were the days! Now days, people have to hold national caucus’ to figure out how to take our music back. Back from the materialistic, disrespectful, degrading place it has drifted down to! I’m not sure when we as a people became so over sexualized and single minded, but I don’t even bother listening to the radio any more. I’m tired of being yelled at and made to feel like I am less of a woman for not giving it up at the first sight of gold teeth! I know I’m getting old because I’ll hear someone singing something, or mention a new artist, and I have no clue who they are talking about. So, instead, I get all my new music tips from VH1 Soul and I’m cool with that. I just got my new favorite CD by a new artist Corrine Bailey Rae (GREAT CD!!!)  and I’m content with that. I miss those days of choreographed routines and matching outfits. I miss the harmonies and lyrical ingenuity. I miss live music and the possession of the ability to not only sing live, but to just blow the audience out of the water!!!! I know we have a small handful of artist who are actually fighting to remain true to their roots and not what’s popular, but it’s because of that they are not as big as they should be. We should be seeing more Jill Scott’s and India Arie’s and Bilal’s on MTV and mainstream media. All we have right now is Christina Aguilera holding it down for all of the TRULY talented people out there! (Don’t make that face! That girl is awesome and count me in as a fan! THANKKKK YOUUUUU!!!) But honestly, the portrayal of who we are through music is just as bad as the portrayal through literature. While the fashion sense was all things questionable, (MC Hammer pants and mismatched shoes, silk button down shirts and cross colors) the 90’s were a great time for music. The 80’s were a great time for Hip Hop. When did things change? When did gold chains and teeth begin to take the place of the message? When did hair weaves and asses hanging out take the place of actually being able to sing? There have been PLENTY of times where I have been excited about an artist and then went to see them live and heard howling dogs going crazy in the background! Anyone can sing in the studio!! All those buttons and knobs you see on the soundboard are for a reason! They are there to manipulate the voice to make it sound better then it does…and trust me, A LOT of manipulation can take place…CLEARLY!!! I truly do miss the old days…probably because the future is not looking especially bright… I guess until things start to change, VH1 Soul will be my place of refuge!  But a change is gone come, some day!!

June 15, 2006

Kah-razy....Dah-ranged...

I feel as though I have slipped into some sort of alternate universe. All of sudden its raining when its sunny and hot outside, 8.4 (LOL Shut up John!) earthquakes are waking me up out of my sleep, which I have to be honest, is no small feat. The lives of my people are falling shambles and all of this is within the last 48 hours. I just don’t understand. I feel like I’m going to wake up and its going to be Tuesday all over again and I’ll be able to pretend like none of this tomfoolery is happening. Like that 80’s movie Groundhog’s day where Bill Murray keeps waking up to the same day and he gets to keep reliving it until he gets it right. I keep feeling like that is going to happen. I even contemplated wearing the same thing to work today that I did yesterday, but LOL, that I vetoed that idea. It’s gotten so bad that I have just honestly decided not answer my phone anymore. And I never check my messages; so if you have the email address, holler at me! LOL! Well maybe it won’t get that bad, but man, this has just been too much. I guess the one good thing that has come from all of this is that I am learning or have learned, depending on how you look at it, that I cannot transfer other peoples problems to myself and make them my own. Of course, my natural maternal instinct kicks in and I want to help, but honestly there is only so much I can do. Man, I really can’t wait to get back to my apartment this weekend. I’m excited. Maybe all will be right with the world once again if I am back in my own space and I can feel at ease. I just don’t understand though. Is the moon full? Is the tide late? What is going on???

Oh, but on a lighter note…my book, Spoken Silence, is now officially available through my publisher. I just need Barnes and noble to put it up on their sight and we are cool and the gang. I will have my advance copies next week. I can’t wait to hold it in my hands. I’m excited…

Peace Y’all

Brandelyn

June 08, 2006

Gray

Gray

I have a friend
who is turning gray,
not just her hair,
and I do not know
why this is so.

Is it a lack of vitamin E
pantothenic acid, or B-12?
Or is it from being frantic
and alone?

'How long does it take you to love someone?'
I ask her.
'A hot second,' she replies.
'And how long do you love them?'
'Oh, anywhere up to several months.'
'And how long does it take you
to get over loving them?'
'Three weeks,' she said, 'tops.'

Did I mention I am also
turning gray?
It is because I *adore* this woman
who thinks of love
in this way.

~Alice Walker

 

Have you ever gone somewhere, like a restaurant or a coffee shop and gotten something that was HELLA good…unexpectedly great to the point where you couldn’t wait to go back and get another one? But then when you go back, its made by a different person, or maybe even by the same person, but it just doesn’t taste or feel the same? Something about it is different and doesn’t have the same impact it once did. Suddenly you’re disappointed and you leave discouraged, upset because you thought that you had found something new. Yet I had the realization recently that this does not only apply to eateries, this can also apply to people.

I recently ran into a guy I talked to for a few months, and when we were dating…man oh man. I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. Everyday was something new and exciting. He would introduce me to new things and experiences and we really had a great time together. It ended ultimately because we were both two moody ass artists with selfish tendencies and high expectations, so things kind of fizzled out, but ended on a good note. No harm done. I ran into him a few weeks ago and for the first day it was just like old times. We laughed and talked and fell right back into our grove. It was great, but then I don’t know. Something changed and I realized that things weren’t the same, or maybe they were just a little too much the same. In the months that we had spent apart, we really became two different people and the distance that was created between us, grew even greater because it just tasted different. I have to admit that I found myself to be disappointed because deep down I always thought I could have something special and long term with this person, but alas (that’s for you De’Aunta) all I could do was leave disappointed and discouraged that things were not meant to be between us. I guess I can say at least I realized this earlier this time instead of investing my feelings again. But man, I wanted it to be like it was the first time.

Maybe I am turning gray. I’m so busy living my life for myself that I acknowledge that I am still closed for renovation. Last night at a poetry spot, I realized after I left that, while I was in the midst of a hodge-podge of beautiful men, I was not checking for a single one of them! And if any of them were checking for me, it would not have made a bit of difference. I am literally unconcerned and unavailable and completely content and happy with that. One day soon, I’ll start taking my B-12 and vitamin E, but for now, I’ll simply enjoy being Gray…

Peace Y’all!

 

June 05, 2006

Friends and the AC Transit

            It is a really beautiful thing when you realize that you love someone. I’m not specifically talking about being ‘in love’ with someone, on a relationship level. I’m talking about the love you have for someone who is going to be in your life forever. I’ve been staying at my friends house for the past week or so (long story) but we have been friends for about five years now…(Wow, has it been that long?!) and he is someone that I can say I genuinely love. I know that if he ever needed anything, it wouldn’t even be a question, and vice versa. That is an amazing feeling to know that someone has your back. And its not like we talk every day!  There are times when we don’t talk for months at a time. We will pass those little “Hey I was just thinking about you, hope everything is cool, get at me” messages, or crack little jokes about each other on our facebook pages, but we won’t actually see each other or have a conversations for a minute. But when we do finally hook up, we talk for hours, fill each other in, work everything out and its like no time has passed! I love that kind of friendship! The ones that are extremely low maintenance and incredibly worthwhile. There are those people, that you know without a doubt are going to be in your life forever. I’m going to send my kids to him for their check-ups and various medical needs (because Brandelyn does not do body fluids, or blood, or anything pertaining to being sick or whatever… I am not the one!!!!!!!!!) But it is so true when they say that the friends you make in college are the friends you will have forever. I have some truly incredible people in my life. Amazing. They are all a little, shall we say touched, but birds of a feather…so its all good! LOL! But I was thinking this weekend how blessed I am to have the friends in my life. People dating all way back to freshman year in college during those good ole Xavier days…to my 04’s from Cal…My ROSAS and my “sands”, my little homies that I have watched grow into mature young men and women…people that have enriched my life so much, just by being themselves. I often wonder how different my life would be had I made just one different decision. Like what if I had actually gone to Davis instead of Berkeley? (I know, perish the thought, but it almost happened…) Or what if I had stayed at Xavier those four years…where would I be right now? That’s crazy how one turn can change your entire life. I love the possibility of the day. I guess Forrest was right…you never know what you’re gonna get, but man is it fun to sample!!!

 

*AC Transit story of the day…So my cousin and I were in OAKLAND waiting for the bus. A man, who was not quite homeless looking with all of his gold and turquoise jewelry and fresh shoes on, was approaching everyone who passed him and asking for money. Not uncommon, however, it was his style of approach that warrants this shout out. Cousin and I are standing there, minding our own business and all of a sudden we hear “Aye, aye you…give me some change so I can get me a GotDamn drink…” Cousin and I turn and look behind us to see what the commotion is about, and we see ole boy standing there looking at us expectantly with his hand out. Cousin, who had just come back from buying a soda says, “I just told you that I didn’t have any change when you asked me inside the store…” He replies… ‘Oh that’s right…I didn’t see you from the front…I was just looking at you from behind” as he proceeds to bend down and take a closer look at Cousin’s behind…Next thing I know, I turn around and dude is like an inch away from me…I move and he starts yelling, “you ain’t got to move and get all scared…I’m not gonna do anything to you…people always wanna get all scared and Sh*t…I ain’t gonna do nothin’ to y’all, I’m just tryna get some change so I can get me a GotDamn drink.” Cousin and I look at him, then each other, and proceed to turn back to the street to continue waiting for the bus. Next thing we know…ole boy is talking to a group of Latino ladies that had approached the bus stop. “Damn…are we in the land of the midgets?” he says yelling at the group of tiny women, ‘I mean damn…I know I’m tall, but you all are midgets…do you think you will ever grow? How can you live being that GotDamn short? Aye, do y’all have some change so I can get my GotDamn drink?”…

Yes…another wonderful day in the life of an AC Transit rider! LOL!!!!!!!!!! sigh….