I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.
Anais Nin
I have been studying this woman and she is amazing. Its interesting to find someone who takes the thoughts that you can't quite comprehend and lays them out, flat on the page, plainly as if to say, here you go. I love her. She was a writer who actually became famous for her published journals.
This particular quote struck a chord with me because I have been feeling shackled by the ordinary. Being sick and feeling stuck and lonely. I haven't had any time or capacity to just sit and enjoy the sunshine, or the colors or the sounds around me. Everything has been business, business, business. I literally ran myself into the ground, but the thing that bothers me is that I have not been inspired or filled with color and life one time since the new year started. I feel beige. My world feels beige and reading Anais' words this morning reminded me that I need to get my color back.
This weekend I want [have] to move slowly. I don't want to be cooped up in the house, sleeping all day, being an asthmatic who almost didn't make it through the week. I don't want to run errands, or clean the house, or do anything super responsible.
*Sidenote: My dear dear friend came to my house to help me clean because I literally have not been able to function. This particular asthma attack almost took me out, but she came over, cleaned my house, tried her best not to make me laugh, which was a fail, and that meant the entire world to me. That is the definition of true friendship. I also felt proud of myself for being able to even ask for the help. Yay me.
*Back to our regularly scheduled Blog:
This weekend I want to go to Lakeshore Cafe, and then sit somewhere in the sun. I want to hang with one person, who is not on their cell phone every 3 seconds, but can just relax and be. I want to start to recover. Not only physically, but spiritually as well. I'm writing this because I want to put it out to the universe. I need to rediscover how to just be alive and silently soak in everything around me. I want [need] to move slowly, suck in fresh air, fresh sights, fresh people, fresh ideas. Write down the randomness that goes through my head into the well worn pages of my journal. Anais has inspired me. Since I have decided to take a hiatus from writing this year, I need to concentrate on my journals. So much has happened that I just don't record because I have allowed myself to get too busy. This must end.
I hope this happens for me this weekend. I don't want to be alone, but I don't' want to be busy either. I think it can happen. I just need to make a phone call.
Peace Y'all
B
