Organic is NOT overrated... A letter
I found an old email from you today. I sent you a draft of something new I was working on and you were so excited to get a first peek at my work. I remember that. When we used to be excited about what was going on in each others lives. When we knew about what was going on in each others lives. Our time apart was necessary and good, I needed to breathe and learn that it was indeed possible for me to live without you. I knew that, deep down somewhere I knew that it was true, but now that I have had this time away from you, I know that it is possible.
Somehow, we found our way back to each other, the way we always do, but something seems off this time. I feel like I aged ten years in the time we spent apart and now everything just feels awkward, like we are forcing things back into the way they were and it doesn’t feel right. A part of me misses you, the laughs, the jokes, the late night phone calls where we would talk about absolutely everything and nothing. I miss being needed by you, being depended on; being able to give advice and know that it was appreciated…when it was listened to. But the part of me that I love the most, the part of me that tries so hard to be the voice of reason, reminds me of all the reasons I shouldn’t and can’t spend too much time thinking about those old days. I think maybe, the hurt killed off a piece of me that made me cling to you. Now I feel like I am forcing a new space for you in my world because my heart says you should still be there, you should have a place in it, but the simplicity of you and I, seems to have melted away behind everything we have been through.
I have gotten to the point where I feel independent from you. I can listen to songs we used to put on repeat and not hear you singing off key in the background. I can go places where we used to spend lazy afternoons and take in the sunshine on my own, and I have to admit, I have fallen in love with that feeling. Like somehow the power you had to possess my mind has been broken and I’m free to think my own thoughts.
I have to admit, I feel silly even saying this, and a little afraid that you won’t understand, but then again, this is how I feel. If you don’t understand then that is all the more reason for me to feel the way I do. The disconnect between us providing, all the more reason to listen to my heart and just be. This is not to say that I don’t love you anymore. I do, I always will, but this time it’s with a different kind of love. It’s with a love that allows me to love myself more, above and beyond and that is the difference.
I’m going to delete that email, before my thoughts become cloudy and sadness begins to creep in forcing me to forget and bend myself back into painful shapes that gave you easy passage to take over my life. That person is dead and gone and the phoenix has arrived, because she needed to. The past is what it is, it was amazing and I’m grateful for what we shared. What the future holds, who knows, but I can say that I won’t look back and have any regrets. You taught me the importance of loving myself, of looking out for myself, of making myself a priority and for that I thank you.