Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

“I looked at the Other, there in the corner of the room-fragile, exhausted, disillusioned. Controlling and enslaving what should really be free: her emotions. Trying to judge her future loves by the rules of her past suffering.

But Love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness. The moment we begin to seek love, love begins to seek us.

And to save us.”

Excerpt from By the River Peidra I Sat Down and Wept by Paulo Coehlo

*drops the mic

Posted by Brandelyn at 10:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I have to stop this before it starts. I feel you, growing, welling churning your way inside of me, but I don’t dare call you by name. No. That would make you real. I can walk a little faster. Try a little harder. Motion my hands in the wave of a fan, trying to blow your scent away, but I can smell you, as pungent as a lily in full bloom, I see you. Raining down over me, making my swagger tilt to the side, leaving me a little dumb, silly and blind. No. I must turn my head and look in the opposite direction because running toward this would cost me too much. So I bury my head in the sand, keep my fingers on the keys and type it out. Type you out. Type until this, this feeling becomes a distant memory, ugh! But there you are again. No. I must turn my head and look in the opposite direction and fight to recall every bad thing you’ve ever said or done to me, but that list is entirely too short and the good begins to march its way in, Lord God almighty, I miss this feeling! Of waking up with lingering traces of dreams of you on my smile and remembering the sound that filled my ears when you said I love you. No. I must turn my head and look in the opposite direction and struggle to remember why it’s bad for me to feel this way. I can do this. I must push. I’ve got to push. It is necessary for me to push because all of this cannot happen. It’s not fair, but it’s right. It’s not what I need, but its right. It’s not the truth, but, its, right. The dreams that I’ve dreamed and the secret silent symphonies will have to be enough for me because this fight, this fight is the good fight and yes I chose to accept. So please, please stop invading the sanctuary of my mind and making it so hard to breathe because I have to keep fighting. There is too much at stake so I have to fight, and I hope, that you will put up your dukes and fight too. It’s not fair, it’s not easy, it’s not nice, but it’s right. Please, don’t fight for me, fight against me. Please, leave me to my calling. Leave me to my passion, please, step away from the door and let me just write.

Posted by Brandelyn at 10:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

My apologies

Dear Body,

            I did not realize until last night, that I owed you an apology. I have never truly appreciated you, for what you are. I have spent most of my life trying to force you to be something you aren’t. Trying to squeeze you into clothes that weren’t designed for you, just because they were a smaller size and supposedly that would make me feel better. I apologize, for never letting you breathe, even in my own home, because I was ashamed to walk past a mirror and see the mountains of imperfections. I apologize for watching the television shows and reading the magazines and immediately deepening my resentment toward you because you did not look like that. I apologize for not treating you like a temple, for not recognizing the beauty in God’s design, for beating you up and mistreating you for simply being what you are. I apologize for simply not loving you and for wishing you were something else entirely. The truth is, I do love you and I am grateful to you for holding up through all of the bad diets, binges, short term work outs, long time mistreatment and constant scrutiny. The dawn is approaching and I can see clearly that times have changed. Now it is your turn to be loved and appreciated and respected, just as you are. Now it is your time to feel loved. Now it is your time to be loved.

Dear Mind,

            I owe you an apology as well. For all of the tricks and games I’ve played on you, making you think that you were not as amazing as you are. I have to apologize for doubting your intelligence and never fully acknowledging your creativity. I apologize for never being satisfied with all that you have accomplished and never pausing long enough to listen to your ideas. I apologize for allowing negativity and jealously from others to come in and cloud your thoughts, for allowing you to feel as though you weren’t good enough and that you never would be. I apologize for basking in the talents and gifts of other people all the while thinking you were inadequate, and could never get to that level. I apologize for feeling that you were mediocre, just enough to do the basics, but far from prolific. I see now the horizon of your capabilities. I will give you your space to run free, taste the wind, stretch and grow and travel to every destination you can think of. I will step out of the way and allow you to work. I will believe in you and trust you and be comfortable with what you produce. I will not compare you to anyone else, nor will I allow you to feel less than amazing. Now it is your time to feel appreciated. Now it is your time to be appreciated.

Dear Future,

            I apologize for doubting you. For dancing on both sides of the fence of faith and portraying a woman who truly believes when the reality is, there was more doubt than belief. I apologize for that twinge of guilt I felt every time someone in my life progressed just a little bit further while I stood behind and watched. I apologize for being more involved with that progress in others instead of learning the lessons that were being taught in the place where I was standing. I realize now that I have been trying too hard to bring you into the present when you are not ready yet. Actually, when I am not ready yet. I apologize for limiting you. For giving you boundaries and placing a lid on the box I placed you in, you deserve better than that. So now, I release you from my grasp and place you right back where you belong, in God’s hands. Your possibilities are infinite and you have my solemn vow to let you be. I will work and prepare myself, learn the lessons, enjoy the moments, bask in the day to day because I know you are coming, and the glimpses of you that I have seen whispered that change is coming and I need to trust and believe.

So Body, Mind and Future, please accept my apology. Suddenly I am grateful that I have no idea what the days will bring. Each moment is my opportunity and I am learning how to take advantage of those. I can’t waste this time complaining, whining, worrying, allowing negative people to affect my light, no, this is a brand new day. My eyes are opening to the possibilities and the Phoenix is rising. Thank you for allowing me to learn these lessons and yes, you have my solemn vow that things will get better.

Sincerely,  

Posted by Brandelyn at 11:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)