Just where I am
4.18.08
I feel the need to write today, but I’m not sure about what. I’ve had emotions swirling around me but I don’t know which one to grab and pay attention to so I let them swirl. My moment is so near it gives me chills like a finger that doesn’t quite touch the skin and I can taste it on the tip of my tongue, soft and sweet like the perfect Hershey’s almond kiss, I’m ready. Television seems to overwhelm me so I’ve turned it off and learned to embrace the comfort of the silence, I like it there. Goals being met, eyes blurred from scanning pages of books grown dusty from lying in wait, just like me. Unaware of when my dreams will be taken off of the shelf but I’m ready. For the one who will tell me that “My greatest fear is that you gave up on me and settled for something less because we both know we were meant to be together. It's my fault if I let you down. I guess I let the world get in the way,” or “you don’t have to be strong by yourself, let me be strong for you.” Spilling out honesty like coconut oil on freshly showered skin, I’m waiting.
Searching through my recent files just to kill the time I see nothing but contracts and business files I wonder when I lost me. The pages of my journal are etched with all of the tears and shouts and laughs and wishes I’m too ashamed to admit to anyone other myself yet I cannot bring myself to read through those pages because there is too much honesty there and sometimes it hurts to see where you came from. I’m getting tired of doing everything on my own. Of pouring out the contents of my day and questions that lay heavy on my brain to the wide open pages of the last time I cried and I wish I could give just a tiny piece of this strength away so I acknowledge that a part of me is weak, and that’s alright. And I don’t want to be afraid to feel this way, because right now in this moment this is me.
