That Spring and Summer Feeling
I miss that feeling. I’ve been missing it for so long that I actually learned how to live without it, breathe without it, laugh, dance and sing without it. Yet now that I have taken a moment to relax and hum I realize that all of the life and love was gone. There was nothing real standing behind it because that feeling was gone. Every day is now categorized by email messages and cell phones. Electronic hugs and well wishes and I know now that I have forgotten to breathe. Constantly grinding, moving, pacing, running, trying to catch my breath in the race that no one seems to win, standing, leaning, dreaming, wondering, questioning, where did that feeling go? I have no idea what it calls itself but I know it as that feeling that comes right after scanning the final pages of a book that forces you to smile with bittersweetness because you are sad that it had to end but it made you feel so good you’d gladly read it again. Or that moment when you remind your legs how to move after sitting and listening to Jill Scott pour her soul out on stage for hours at a time and all you have left to hold on to is that feeling. That feeling that nothing is impossible and that your problems really are temporary. That feeling that comes just before that first kiss or that last kiss or all those kisses in between and that moment that smoothes itself over you when you put on that dress that makes you forget you have flaws. I wish I knew the name to call the first night its warm enough to sit outside and breathe in giggles without the need for a jacket or sleeves. That feeling of seeing beauty, sexiness, power and intelligence glancing back at you from the mirror even when there is no one else to admire it but you, I miss that feeling. The feeling of curtains fluttering in the darkness, dancing to the melodies that float into the quiet of my space escaping from the collection of someone else’s mood, I miss that feeling. What do you call that feeling of accomplishment that comes from knowing you did something nice for yourself today? That feeling I get when I gently lay my thoughts down onto a page that was designed for my eyes alone and without the fear of judgment or scrutiny, suddenly every word hits home. Candles lit, Emily King in the background, Lauryn on deck ready to spit, breaths even and steady, no thoughts interrupting my revelry, where did that feeling go?
