Depression
This one is a hard one to write but I feel like it might help someone, so here we go.
I came to a realization the other day. I am the queen of being “fine”. Whenever someone asks me how I’m doing, no matter what I am feeling or what is going on in my life, they will always get the computer generated response, ‘Oh I’m good, how are you doing?” Every single time. The crazy thing is that for the last two weeks, I have been everything but fine. I’ve been going through a lot lately, more than my fair share of major problems and I have been holding on by a thread. Of Course, whenever I’m around other people I turn into “Super Brandelyn” and the smile is pasted onto my face and the jokes are ready to and available and the hugs are warm and the compassion is packed up and ready to hand out to whoever is in need. But recently, I haven’t had the energy, which is why I have been keeping to myself. Spending too much time alone, often rejecting the notion of being around people because I didn’t have the energy to put up the front. So I turned off my phone, closed the blinds and drifted away.
I allowed my circumstances to dictate my happiness and that is the very definition of the opposite of faith. I was heavily dosed with depression and that is a very dangerous emotion. Depression is not something that you just live with, lay in your bed eating cookies and hope goes away, no Depression talks to you. Last week was one of the roughest weeks I’ve ever been through, mainly because my Depression made everything seem a million times worse than it was. It always amazes me how many things can run through your head when you are left to your own devices. My Depression told me that my life was in shambles, which it actually kind of was, and that it was never going to get better. My Depression told me that no one cared about me and that my life was of no consequence to anyone. My Depression told me that all the things I thought God was going to bring my way weren’t going to happen, because if they were, they would have happened by now. Yes, my whole mind was a mess. My Depression told me that I had nothing left to offer and started giving me suggestions on how to end my life. What was the point, it said, no one cares, you wouldn’t even be missed. And the more I sat by myself, basking in this, the more I believed it. I could just end it and that would be it, no more worries, no more rejection, no more doubts, no more questions, no more concerns. The end.
Instead of reaching out to someone for help, I just cried myself to sleep. My relationship with God, even though I was at a point where I was even questioning his existence if we can be real for a moment, never let me actually get out of bed and take the pills. My foundation in God told me to just make it until the morning and you’ll be okay. My foundation told me to just pray, but I was too weak to do even that, so I just cried. I would talk to my grandmother and tell her I was okay and if anyone did mange to catch me on the phone, I smiled and said I was fine, I felt like I was physically incapable of telling anyone that I needed help. I needed a hug. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay. But because I am who I am, I kept my mouth shut, did my best to try and solve my problems on my own and continued on to the best of my abilities. It was scary, but for some reason, I was comfortable in it. I felt like I didn’t have to be anything but what I was. I didn’t have to smile or laugh or entertain, I could just be. So I isolated myself and bathed in it.
But I truly thank God for my Grandmother. That day I was at my lowest and had set up in my mind that this day was it. I could not take it anymore. But because of God, my grandmother called me and all it took was for her to pause for a minute and tell me that I sounded down and asked me what was really going and instantly the floodgates opened and I literally sat on the phone with her for an hour and just cried, actually bawled might be a more accurate description. I didn’t have to say a word, it was like she already knew. So she let me cry, and she encouraged me and after I dried up, she told me she loved me and I felt so much better. Then I went to church last night and God reminded me once again not only how much he truly does love me, but that he does have a plan and purpose for my life and there are things that I still have to do for him before my time is up.
No, techincally things are no better than they were last week, but the difference is that I have a different perspective. I have to stop trying to be superwoman and actually acknowledge that I need help sometimes. We all do and its okay to get it and to ask for it. We all need to look out for each other and call each other just to see how we’re doing. Sometimes we just need a hug to make it through the day. There is a Nikki Giovanni poem about women that say something like, we comfort because we need comforting, and that’s me. I am feeling a million times better, although I am a little tired. But God is good and I am looking forward to his plan for me and all of the things to come. I feel like I just went through a fight though, LOL. I need some really good rest and a vacation would be ideal, but all things in time. But to my Rosas, Rose and Angel, I really want to thank you guys because just your phone calls asking me how I am meant a lot. I love love love love love love you guys!
Peace Y’all
B
