My eyes are open and it's okay
“I’m so busy looking for God in people
I miss the bright yellow
Diamond shaped street signs
Hanging from their necks that caution
Devil straight ahead.”
Michael Datcher
On my last trip to Half Price Books, my Sunday afternoon retreat, I came across a book called “Raising Fences, a black man’s love story.” I picked it up, glanced at the back cover and decided that it couldn’t hurt to read. I call it research for a project I’m working on. I purchase the book and it sits on my coffee table for weeks before I even crack it open. Everything else takes precedence, the timing wasn’t right.
Once I picked up this book, it took me a day and a half to read it. Half way through it I realized that this book was not a book of fiction, but a memoir. I continued to read and found myself mirrored many times in the story he had to tell. In this book, he laid himself completely bare and do mean completely. It was so amazing to read because as women, we rarely if ever get that type of insight into what a man really and truly feels. We get the voice on the phone or the averted eyes, but rarely do we get that raw honesty. And it wasn’t just about his relationships. He talked about his spiritual battles, being the first person to go to college and what it was like adapting to that college. Coincidentally he went to Berkeley and I found myself wanting to laugh and tear up at the same time as he talked about his struggle to adapt in the overly academic environment in a part of California he’d never even been to, finding out how to survive when ultimately everyone is out for themselves and how he almost didn’t make it through. But he did and in the process he found himself, the writer, the poet, the revolutionary and most importantly, the fighter. Reading about his struggle, I found myself wanting to thank him, for telling my story.
He spoke about a child he found out was not his and how his initial desire was for the woman he was seeing to have an abortion, and his feelings of shame and guilt when he found out the daughter he didn’t want in the beginning was not his and now, he couldn’t have the only thing that truly taught him to love. That’s deep. It brought be me back to my own feelings toward my dad and how it always amazes me that now that I’m almost 30, I’m expected to bend over backwards and try to make a relationship, that I always wanted, work at a time that I don’t need it. Once you get used to things being a certain way, calling mom to wish her a happy Father’s day, so used to looking out of the front window searching for hummingbirds instead of waiting for him to come, I have to ask, why am I supposed to go back to the old dream because you finally woke up?
He wrote about his involvement in a church that molded him and shaped him into something that could not be identified and I found it mirroring my struggles with “religion.” I have always had a foundation in God, all those years in church with Mom made that stone solid. But as I grew older, I found myself involuntarily rebelling against the rules. Finally free from the thumb of the church I went to Xavier and lost my mind. Drinking, partying, getting tattooed, enjoying those moonlight kisses at the pyramid, not understanding how to talk to anyone about what was going on because in the church I was brought up in, you just weren’t allowed to sin and if you did, you would go to hell. But like Michael, I had to find God for myself. I had to create my own foundation in God that was strong enough to trump any man made rules until I was once again strong enough to walk back into the church and now I feel centered. I just had to get there.
He spoke about friendships and how essential they are to our survival. Carrying a load alone will not allow you get very far. You must have people who have your back and who will help pick up the slack when you need it. I’m talking about just a shoulder to cry on, but a friend who let you live in their house if you have no place else to go. A friend who will drop by with groceries and no judgment if they know you are struggling. A friend who will listen to you just talk and get it all out so you can ease your mind. A friend who will help you grow. Like Michael, I am so used to seeking out the God in people that I never see the caution sign until its too late. Reading this really truly made me appreciate my friends. Not my associates, but my friends. Those people I can and have called at 3 am in tears who wait until the morning to cuss me out for waking them up. It made me understand how truly blessed I am to have seen with my own eyes what a friend is, and it made me wonder how many people can honestly say that. Just like love, friendship, in its purest form is painfully rare.
And most importantly to me, he spoke about his relationship with the woman who would become his wife. The story was not about flowers and candy and romantic dinners. It was about life, tears, arguments and prayer. He talked about having a responsibility to this woman, not to dominate her, or even be her protection one hundred percent of the time, but how to be the best man he could possibly be for her. He showed me how he learned from his mistakes and stepped his game up when the next opportunity came instead of forcing those lessons into situations they didn’t belong in. I read this and realized that I’m not wrong in waiting for someone who’s worth me instead of settling for the next best thing. It is okay not to sleep with everything breathing and not to engage in discussions about condoms or no condoms, what the best position is and how fine that dude it. It’s okay to be a lady and to carry myself as such. It made me realize that most men can’t appreciate this type of woman because they are not that type of man, and that reality is what is going to make my union even more special.
Reading this book made me realize that we are all so much alike. We all share so much in common, but we don’t know because we don’t talk or share. We mirror each other but can’t see it because we’ve covered that mirror with a cloth. We hide behind our race, our backgrounds, our education, our financial status. Everyone longs for lasting relationships but we prevent them from happening because allowing them to happen means opening up and that is out of the question. Maybe it’s time to start knocking down some of those walls and really start “raising fences.” Start giving each other a peek at what we really are and bask in the healing that can come from it.
Peace Y’all
B
