Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

What if?

            Every month when I receive my Essence Magazine in the mail, I turn to the back and settle in to read the In The Spirit Column. I recently discovered that Susan L. Taylor produced an entire book based on this column so you know I ran out and got it. As I began to read, one of her essays asked the question, “How would you live if you felt you could trust life fully? If you believed you were totally protected and secure, that forevermore your life would be filled with love and prosperity?”

            I thought about this and thought about the things that are going on in my life and I really began to ponder the question “What if?” What if I was able to live life under the guise that everything was simply going to work out in the end and that every single thing that happened in between was meant to serve as a lesson to help grow and mature me? What if I lived as though I believed love were not just a fantasy created by the media, but was something real and true that could be attained and held on to? How much greater would my life be if I stopped living in what I thought was actually happening and rested in what was going to happen? That would be an amazing life.

            The reality for me is that I focus on the negative. I say this over and over again, but the fact remains that this statement is overtly true. Instead of being grateful that I woke up this morning in my own bed, in my own apartment, wearing my own clothes, I grumble because I have to get up and go to my Job, and my house is a mess because all of the things I have been blessed with are all over the place and I have a closet full of clothes but can never find anything to wear. I get irritated waiting for the bus with the free bus pass that I was blessed with that will get me anywhere I need to go for free from now until September. I grumble about being overweight and out of shape when I have full use of all of my entire body and will soon have the time to get back into the gym. I roll my eyes at the idea of love because of all of the men in my past, yet I fail to realize how much more mature and focused and aware I am because of each one of them. In my everyday life, I chose to complain and grumble instead of looking at the many, many blessings I have everyday.

            The truth is that things are the way they are in my life because of my perception. I have all of the power and ability to make the changes I want to see happen in my life. Currently right now I am in the midst of a huge leap of faith. There is no definite solution to the changes I have decided to make, but I am making them anyway based on the simple fact that God said not to worry and to remain focused on him and that everything will fall into place if I remain faithful and the most important thing is that God cannot tell a lie. So I am resting in that. In the eyes of most my leap may seem unwise and a really bad decision. Lucky for me, I don’t see things through the eyes of others. I am able to make this transition through my faith and by only telling a select trusted few. There is no room for negativity where I’m headed, so for the most part, I’m keeping things to myself.

            When you chose to live your life not based on how you think things are, but how they truly are, you will begin to find that peace you have been looking for. When you try to live your life like it’s Golden, breathing in the air and stopping to enjoy the little moments, you will begin to feel those burdens life, even just for a moment. We are in control of our lives, more than we think. And the funny thing is that Thinking is the first step in making those changes.

Peace Y’all

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Today was one of those days that I needed. The majority of it was spent at a training for my job and one portion of this training was an alumni panel. As I sat there listening to the doctors and lawyers and PhD's I realized that although it does not get the same amount of attention and accolades as other professions do, what I do, is just as important.

For the past few days I have been incredibly wound up tight. I have been stressed out, overwhelmed, irritated, anxious, all those things and tonight, a friend and I went to see Gerald Albright in concert and from the moment he stepped onto the stage, I instantly felt better. Each note that was played by that incredible band allowed me to breathe just for a moment and as we walked to the car, it dawned on me again, that my work and the work of the artists of this world, is just as important.

Going to a school like Berkeley you are constantly being bombarded with questions about what you are going to do after you graduate. There is this unspoken pressure to attend Graduate or Law or Medical school and 'make something of your life'. And those of us who don't feel called to follow that path are somewhat dismissed for not following the status quo. I get asked almost daily about my plan for going to Grad school and almost daily the person asking gets the same answer. I'm a writer.

What people don't realize, or really care to acknowledge is that when you are stressed out from your job and your day what do you turn to? A movie or a book or a CD or a concert. Something that does not remind you of the pressures of your day, something that allows you to release whatever is going on and take a moment to breathe. That is where I and other artists come in. We remind you that it is okay to live to laugh to love to just be and we remind you of what it is like to have all of those things. Artists keep the world spinning and for all of my fellow artists out there, don't let anyone tell you differently. What we do is just as important as anyone else's profession and we should not allow anyone to tell us differently. Having to defend myself and allowing Gerald Albright's music to flush out all of the negativity was more that healing for me. It allowed me to kick start my passion for what I do. I am doing exactly what I want to be doing in the way I want to be doing it. My job is to heal, to connect, to provide that means of escape and I am so happy to do it. Look out world. It's about to be on!

Peace Y'all
B

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

            This whole weekend has been on the lightweight stressful side. I know, how often do you really hear that about weekends but I have officially fallen into that entirely too much to do and entirely no time to do it in lifestyle. That’s right, your girl is officially overwhelmed. My boy came up this weekend and decided that he was going to kidnap me yesterday because the permanent frown line that is developing was not business. So we headed over to Bay street, sucking in as much fresh air as possible, a little bitter, but mostly refreshed by the coldness of the air, basically just happy to be outside. The plan was lunch and a movie. I chose the place to eat, and he chose the movie. It should have been flipped around. He chose to see Blood Diamond. Now, I have been on this political film kick recently, trying to expand my horizons and whatnot, but I was not at all prepared for this particular film. I had my eyes closed for most of the movie while my friend had his head buried in my shoulder. That movie was incredibly intense. I won’t give details because I don’t know who out there wants to see it, but I can honestly say that that movie has officially killed my passion for Tiffany’s. The Legacy Diamond engagement ring I’ve had millions of dreams about…yeah, I’m cool. I think I just want a twist tie or a rubber band around my finger. It’s crazy because you always hear about things, wars going on, people dying and bombs being thrown, but it never hits home because it’s not your life. While my friend and I were thoroughly upset by this film the truth was that we were able to walk out of the theatre, take deep breaths and leave all of that anxiety behind us. I’ve done my community service, building houses for impoverished families and helping the kids learn how to read, but somehow, with all of the devastation and war going on, my efforts just don’t seem like enough.

            If the movie had any purpose at all, it has really turned me off to diamonds. It just does not seem worth it. They have these supposedly ‘Conflict-free’ diamonds, but really how can you truly tell? I don’t know man, its crazy out here. But I can say, even though they are extremely stressful and dang near impossible to watch, I’m glad films like these are made. We Americans need wake up calls like this every once in a while. I’m about to go listen to some Fred Hammond and get my mind right!

Peace Y’all
B

Posted by Brandelyn at 08:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

“Sometimes you need a kick in the ass to get your ass moving...” Christina Livingston

            My Rrrosa Christina is one of the most brilliant and quick people I know. Whenever I call her to whine about whatever issue, she always has the right thing to say, or if not, she listens and that is the truth. The other day, I got a kick in my ass and it made me realize that I have gotten a bit comfortable, complacent. I keep expecting my goals and dreams to fall into my life, that I’ll become the over night star as my girl Alicia says. I forgot just for a moment that there are things that I need to be doing on my end so God can step in and make it happen. It just dawned on me the other day that along with everything else I have accomplished, I am going to have to fight for this. I give the cliché to my students all the time that it isn’t worth it if you don’t have to fight for it. We have to fight for things instead of just saying that we want something. Those stories of people being discovered on the back of a bus singing along with their headphones, or walk through a mall and get picked up a modeling agency are rare, and are often the one’s that we tend to cling to. We want to be discovered and whisked away into our ideal life, but let’s be realistic. In order to be discovered, you have to be doing something. I needed that kick in my ass because now I have that little fire in my belly that has been missing ever since Spoken Silence came out. I got comfortable. I have two books, a decent following and really, as a young woman who’s only been out of school for two years, that’s not a bad start. I was okay with that, and honestly thinking that okay, maybe one day some publisher will randomly come across my book, fall in love and whisk me away into my ideal life. Yeah freaking right. I have to get it together and start pushing my dream again.

So thank you Rose for reminding me that complacency has no place in ambition. Complacency is the first ingredient for mediocrity and as we know that is not the goal for 007...

Peace Y’all

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

...People have (with the help of conventions) oriented all their solutions toward the easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must hold to what is difficult; everything in Nature grows and defends itself in its own way and is characteristically and spontaneously itself, seeks at all costs to be so and against all opposition.

On my way out of the house this morning, desperate for something to read besides applications, I randomly grabbed In love and Trouble by Alice Walker. This book came out in 1967 and I think I have an original copy because the pages are yellowed and brittle, and I love it! As I opened the cover, I read this particular quote and for a moment I felt like everything came together.

With most of the people in my life, we are in the processing phase. We are taking the necessary steps to put ourselves into position to accomplish our goals. We are in Grad school, or working stacking money or silently putting our pawns into position so that we can snatch up a king or queen. When I think about people that I admire, people that are already where I want to be, I often forget about the fact that each person who has made it, who had accomplished their goal, who has achieved their desire, absolutely went through a processing phase. This stage is one of the most important because it is during this phase that we truly get to know ourselves. I heard somewhere that people are like bags of tea, their true nature comes out when placed in hot water. I firmly believe this. For me personally, this processing phase has been interesting. I have been financially challenged; i.e. Broke, I have been hurt, frustrated, molded, grateful, everything that you can possibly imagine because I am working toward my goal. My goal in life is not to make money, my goal is to be happy and content with what I am doing and not have to work for someone else. My goal is to be an artist in several forms and I am not going to stop until I get to that point. The good thing for me is that I got an early start. I’m still in my 20’s, two books already on bookshelves and many more to come. Alice Walker published her first book of poems while she was a senior in college. I feel her. Her first novel, The Third Life of Grange Copeland did not get nearly the acclaim of the Color Purple and was equally as prolific if you ask me. But I digress...

The point is to all of my 04’s and recent college Alum’s and friends struggling through their residencies, and jobs they can’t stand, we are going to make it. We can deal with the crazy bosses and coworkers, the cracker jack pay checks, the uncertainty, the professors, the papers, the moving around, we can deal with all of that because we are in a stage. We are being groomed for the greatness that God has ahead for us, we just need to stay focused and get through it. Soon we will be the people that get quoted and admired and looked up to. Shoot, for the most part, most of us are already there. We will become the mentors and lend a hand to the next generation coming up behind us. Hold on to the difficult, because the easy parts of life will only get you so far, and it is clear from the positions we have already placed ourselves in, that we are all destined and desiring greatness...

Peace Y’all

Posted by Brandelyn at 11:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

A few truisms...

1. I am getting old... This morning as I stopped by my local bakery to grab an extremely necessary cup of Joe, I saw a *young man who’s *pants were sagging all down his butt (phrases that actually passed through my mind) and I actually wanted to tell him to pull his dang pants up and to tell his girlfriend to comb her hair because you do not need to leave the house looking like that. Take some pride in yourself. Once I crossed the street and realized that I was actually irritated by the young couple, I realized that I am getting old. I refuse to listen to the radio and have no idea who 90 percent of the rappers are now days and got super amped last night while listening to VH1 soul (while reading applications) when MC Lyte, Heavy D and A Tribe Called Quest all made appearances on my screen. When songs I used to listen to in high school are now being remade, and as I brush my hair back into a ponytail and am faced with the presence of grey hairs, I can only succumb to the fact that I am indeed, getting old. But please do not trip, I make it look good...Thankkkk youuuu....
2. I don’t answer my cell phone...this is something that is often hard for people accept, but 98 percent of the time, I don’t answer my cell phone. It’s not personal by any stretch of the imagination, so please do not take it as such. But even with the fairly recent number change, my phone rings entirely too much, so I opt to ignore it. This coupled with the fact that I have a 90 hour work week, I simply don’t have the time or energy to talk. I also don’t check my messages, either. If you send a text, I am much more likely to respond. I currently have 19 unheard messages and 8 saved messages that I refuse to check. It’s too much of a time commitment and I simply don’t want to, so send me an email and you are pretty much guaranteed a response. Other than that...I don’t know...
3. AC Transit is still off the hook in 2007, nothing has changed there...surprisingly it gives me a sense of comfort. Like no matter what is going on in the world, I know that Bus Drivers will continue to bang on passengers, pass up cars that are driving to slow for their like and subsequently pass up stops in the process, and I can rest assured that Tomfoolery awaits with every ride...thank you AC Transit...I’m looking forward to 2007...
4. My addiction...My Facebook Wife Cianna pointed out a very important discrepancy in a recent blog post. I do in deed have an addiction and am well on my way to becoming a great artist. I walked into my office this morning for the first time since the third week of December and found a box from Carol’s Daughter waiting for me on my desk...I saw the box and realized that it is really nice to know that 2007 got started off right...So thank you Cianna for pointing out the fact that I do indeed have an addiction to something and thank you Carol’s Daughter for making that fact a tangible reality...

Peace Y’all

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 11:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

So I decided that I was going to take a break from reading applications today and go see a movie. I had a choice between Freedom Writers and the Last King of Scotland. I chose the latter. I’d heard amazing things about Forrest Whitaker’s performance so I wanted to support the brother. So, I roll to the theatre, buy my ticket and roll into the theatre. I was a bit concerned at first because the screen was only slightly larger than my television and there were only three rows of seats, but this particular film has been out for a while, so touché.  I settled in with my popcorn and was soon enthralled with this film. It was mentally stimulating which is rare now days and the story was incredible. I don’t want to give it away for any of you who may want to see it, but Forrest Whitaker was incredible. He didn’t even look like himself. It truly amazes me what people do to their bodies for the sake of a character, but for all intents and purposes he looked exactly like the man he was portraying. He said that he had to use skin darkeners to get his tone to be so dark, but we all know that it was filming the movie in Uganda during the summer, but whatever. I know that he needs to get some type of award for his portrayal, I was impressed. Its been a while since I have left a movie with a headache, but a good one from being slightly stressed and excited. Great movie.

Of course when I left the theatre, I ran into the evilest homeless man in the City of Berkeley who always wants to call somebody a Bitch or Nigga for not giving his crazy butt a quarter. As emotionally unstable as I was when I left the theatre, I actually responded to him this time. I won’t get into what I said because it is Sunday (Praise Him) but I did have to pray for repentance afterward. I mean really, how many times do I need to take him calling me a bitch, I sincerely didn’t have a quarter. Anyway, I start work tomorrow and I am everything but excited. It’s been so nice having these two weeks off, so nice....

Oh and just as a disclaimer, I took a job as a reader for the admissions office which means that I now have a 70 hour work week, at least until mid February, so the blogs may be a bit sporadic (sorry roommate), but I will try my best to keep you posted on my tomfoolery and ballywho!!

Peace Y’all

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 08:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

A few years ago while a student at Citrus College, I used to smoke. Of course i use the term "smoke" loosely as I simply inhaled and exhaled quickly, never actually fully breathing in the vapors, but never the less, i used to smoke. I started because i was completely stressed out. I was taking 18 units, working 2 jobs and was the Student Body President of the school, all within a 5 month semester and your girl was stretched to the limit. So I picked up smoking, using the brief moments that i took out every couple of hours to just stop and breathe, inhale and exhale my little stick of nicotine and contemplate my life. Obviously I stopped smoking after the semester ended and I was allowed to chill out for a moment, but ever since then, I have not picked up another addiction. I have noticed that all great artists seem to have some sort of addiction. It's usually drugs or alcohol or something random, but there is an addiction none the less. When someone, specifically an artist is so consumed with their craft, there is always an need for escape. I thought about smoking again, but my asthmatic bronchitis basically prevents that from happening, and I had a really strong cup of coffee that tasted like cigarrettes and realized that i actually despise the taste of the things. I can't do the whole alcoholic thing mainly because i can't stand the feeling I get when I'm drunk and my head feels too heavy for my head and suddenly I become a human bobble head. No Tanto Mucho. I thought about using men as an addiction, but zzzzzzzzz...next idea...For a minute there, Feeding Frenzy 2 was my addiction. I would spend tons of time swimming through the animated ocean sucking up fish growing bigger and trying to get to the next level. But with Dino's constant attidude problems and tendency to completely shut off just at the critical moment, I had to give that up. I thought of using food as an addiction, but with the detox I'm doing, I find it hard to even eat a regular meal much less even induldge in anything extra so that won't work. Perhaps when I get my new laptop *that's right Dino...I said it... I'll be able to pick up on Feeding Frenzy 2 where I left off, but i have a feeling that without all of the constant interuptions, I'll be able to get through it pretty quickly and it won't be as fun. So I suppose for now, I will continue to bury myself underneath my work and hope that some sort of suitable addiction will come along.

Peace Y'all

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 07:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBacks (0)

This blog is dedicated to my Old roommate Rhoda...LOL!!!
           

            I have to say that I started the New Year out on a very...what’s the word...relaxing note. We won’t use the word lazy in 07, we use the word relaxing. The entire day on New Years was spent reflecting, writing, analyzing and releasing the past year all from the comfort of my couch. In fact the only down moment of the day was watching Michigan lose, but Cal smizashed whoever we played in our bowl game, so such is life. Anywho... 2006 for me was a beast. Full of all kinds of craziness and I promise you, and I stand by this, that year was one of the longest years I have ever encountered! LOL! But I am glad it is over. I am a fan of fresh starts. From New Years day to birthdays to simple things like cleaning out the closet and getting a little bit more breathing room, fresh starts are the thing to do. So in the spirit of the new year, instead of making all kinds of worthless resolutions that we never fulfill, (I mean let’s keep it real, I’d be a size 10, would have honestly read all of the books on my bookshelf and would have organized all of my closets and cabinets, but we all know that none of this has actually gone down, but I digress) this year, I finally giving myself a fresh start. I am letting go of the mistakes I made in 2006 and I am not going to dwell on them anymore, and if you know me AT ALL, you know that that is no easy feat). I am going to pace myself and stop trying to rush to get where God wants me to get. I’ll get there when its time and in the mean time, I am going to enjoy life. I spent a so much time in 2006 looking ahead that I forgot to just chill out and take a breath. So this year, call me Toni Braxton because I am going to Breathe Again in 2007. I have a ton of books on my bookshelf that I have yet to read and I might get to a few of them, and I might not. But life is too short to live in regret. All of the choices and decisions I have made up until this point have gotten me right where I am, so things can’t be all that bad. I’m happy and I truly intend to find out what it really feels like to live life like its Golden. I don’t know if 2007 is going to be a good or a bad year. Of course it is my prayer and silent belief that it is the former, but I do know that I am going to do my best to honestly enjoy this one. To stop looking at what she has or what he has and appreciate my accomplishments and where I hope to go. My high school reunion is this year and I look at how my life has progressed over the past 10 years, I can only be thankful for where I am and what I have done. So I welcome 2007 and all of the wisdom, mistakes and freedom that will come from the next 363 days.

So Roommate, I hope this inspires you and know that I love you and kiss my Godson for me and tell him that his Godmommie loves him!
Peace y’all

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 10:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)