Confession Time
Okay, so I know that the last few blogs have been about fun and games, but its time to get serious.
I know for a lot of us, we tend to hold ourselves back. We have all heard the famous Nelson Mandela quote about allowing yourself to except the best and be everything you are supposed to be and not being afraid. For a lot of us, we make progress, but not too much progress because there is an inane fear of rejection that will inevitably come with that progress. This is a mindset I know far too well...Okay, its confession time people...
Whenever anyone approaches me about my book, or tells me that they are reading it, or have read it, for a moment, and often for their sake, I am excited. I feel a slight surge of energy and nervousness rush through me and I cannot believe that someone is actually reading my book. But then in the next moment that excitement leaves, and the question of who am I that you want me to sign the book, or who am I that you want me to come out to your University, all go marching across my mind. All of the negative thoughts come parading through and I fall right back into the “just B” box I have always placed myself in. But then something will happen that will give me the little boost of fire I need to go on. I was reading Essence magazine yesterday and right there in the middle of the article a woman was quoted and after her name it gave the title of her book and her publishing company and her publisher was my publishing company. I felt tears come to my eyes when I read that. In that instant I felt like a legitimate writer.
It’s funny because even though I have these books out, I have never felt the excitement people around me feel about it because these books are self-published. I don’t have a book deal, I am not in “bookstores everywhere” I haven’t sold millions of copies, I haven’t even had official reviews of my books done yet. My books were virtually designed by me and put together by a publishing company because I paid them to do it, not because I’m that talented of a writer that someone, besides me, felt that my work should be shared with the world. I was juiced the first time I held my book in my hands and saw the glossiness of the cover, but then before I could even crack the cover open, the naysayers (or haters for those in the know) came along and dripped down their negativity all over my life’s work and honestly sapped all of the excitement I had right out of the situation. I allowed people to steal my joy and I’ve never gotten it back.
I doubt myself all the time. Are my dreams too big? Are the things that I want attainable? Will I live the mediocre life I so desperately fear? For months I have been wanting to submit an article to Essence Magazine, but figured since I am not a “real” writer, why even bother? And in that thinking lies the perfect example of the fear I am talking about. No one likes to be rejected, but if I did get rejected it would be from ESSENCE MAGAZINE! That’s huge! But then on the flip side, how incredible would it be if I did get an article published in Essence, self published and all?
We stop ourselves too much because we are afraid of the success too. Not just the success, because honestly the recognition and fame is kind of fun, but with all of that comes a greater expectation. With every word I lay down on paper, I feel a greater expectation to make the next one better. And sometimes, it’s just easier to fall into the mediocre mindset instead of challenging myself to be the great woman God has called me to be, because rejecting yourself is easier then having someone else do it.
On days like this, I think about what Zora Neale Hurston’s mother told her when she was a small child. “Jump at de sun, cos even if you fall, at least you’ll be among the stars...” Or think of what my Nana told me when I was applying to college: Don’t let tell yourself no, let them tell you no.” This encourages me and all of us need encouragement sometimes. It’s crazy because I had already told myself that there was no way I could get into Berkeley...and we all know the story. I wonder how much further I could be in my life if I could just stop telling myself no? If I could man up and accept the rejection as it comes and stop doing things I know I can succeed in, instead of trying things with the possibility that I could fail?
I guess the point is stop looking for validation from other people and validate yourself. Only you can live your life and no matter what you do, there will be people around you with something negative to say. And if you think about it, its probably because they are jealous. That’s an interesting thought. But honestly, if you feel like you are great, then you’re great and that’s just how it is. And while that may be easier said than done, it is definitely worth a try.
Peace Y’all...
B
