Brandelyn: Lyrical Contradiction

 So, yesterday I went to the gym for my consultation with a personal trainer. I was excited because I figured that she would hook me up with some exercise tips that I could use. So, I go in, and she takes me down stairs to the office. She starts talking to me about meal plans, she pulls out the little pinchy thing to measure my body fat, which wasn’t as bad as I thought, thank you very much, and tells me how much weight I need to lose to get to the certain body fat percentage, etc. So I’m getting excited. She takes me to the little stair master machine and has me do it for 5 minutes, and please let me tell you, I felt like I had just done a FULL work out. It was crazy. So I’m really getting amped now. Then she takes me to the bike and gives me this little stretchy thing that will allow me to do resistance training while I am on the bike, and I’m just sweatin’, getting my work out ON! So we finish that and we go back down to the office, I’m sweating like I had just been lifting for 45 minutes and just as a side note, it is amazing how effective doing the correct exercise is. I felt like I’d just WORKED IT OUT, and I’d only been working out for 15 minutes, I’m just sayin! So anyway, we’re back down in the office and she calculates and tells me that it will take 13 weeks to reach my goal of losing 33 pounds. That doesn’t sound too bad, so I’m with it. SO then she pulls out this notebook and says...

            “Okay, so to work out with me for 30 sessions, it will be 1500 dollars.”

            What...

            “So, yeah, you would just put down half now...”

            Half of 1500 is 750...750= rent...again I say...what...

            “And then pay the balance off later...”

            I suppose it was the blank look on my face that prompted her to move on to the next lowest price point.

            “Um...okay, so we have the 10 workout session for 700 dollars...”

            I suppose it was the blank look on my face that prompted her to move on to the next lowest price point.

            “Um...okay, um...just between us, if you want to do the five sessions, you can pay 300 hundred dollars, but you would need to pay all of that up front...”        

            300= Groceries for 4 months, or a months worth of bills, or 25 copies of my book including shipping and handling, or basically, too much damn money for me to even think about spending to come work out in a gym that I already pay 45 dollars a month just to be able to walk into...

            I suppose it was the anger on my face that prompted her to close the book and turn and look at me...

            “So, I want to meet with you tomorrow. So Call me and leave me a message and let me know what time you can meet. Also, I want to get your membership card and hold on to it until you sign up for the personal training.”

            What?! Clearly she doesn’t know me. First of all...let me say that there were several explicit words that wanted to run through my head, but lucky for her I am saved...so we will skip that portion of the blog. Thank you.

            So in that moment, I got up and proceeded to walk back into the gym, hop on the pre-core machine and work out like I had planned to before I had just wasted an hour of my evening. But I did get some tips from her, I do have a goal now, and coincidentally, I found out that one of my co-workers has taken several classes on nutrition and has offered to help me create a meal plan...thanks to the sheet home girl gave me at the gym...so it turns out it wasn’t a total waste of time. Well hers maybe....Take that Take that...bad boy baby...world wide...

 

Peace Y’all

Posted by Brandelyn at 03:33 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Hello, my name is Brandelyn and I am writer, *pauses to accept greeting, Hi, like I said, I am a writer who doesn’t have time to write. I mean, it all started with getting a full time job. I thought that since this job was for a non profit, that it would give me all the time I needed to write, but I was wrong. Because my job is very personalized, the nights I don’t have to take work home are considered luxuries in which I find myself sitting in my living room curled up with the book I’ve been trying to read for the past few months, or catching up on all of the shows I’ve missed over the past few weeks. Not writing. Another excuse, and yes I do realize that I am making excuses, but hey this is my life, is that my laptop Dino, *pauses to acknowledge the chuckles from the other writers who have named their laptops; right, but Dino doesn’t like to cooperate with me. By time I get him to start up and get going, and I get myself going, the dang thing freezes up before I can even get a good grove going. So I just turn it back on and get into Spider Solitaire and keep it moving. It doesn’t take much to frustrate me. Then of course there is the fact that I have so much running through my head that its hard to focus on these imaginary characters and get their lives straight, when mine is feeling a bit no tanto mucho its dag nab self...so what is the balance? If I don’t work, I don’t get paid, I can’t pay rent, I can’t live, but if I don’t write, I carry my stress badly, I feel guilty, I feel incomplete as a human being. I know you’re thinking that this is a bit dramatic, but its how I feel. I am a writer. That is what I do. That is what defines me as a person, and if I can’t do it, doesn’t that make me incomplete? *pauses to acknowledge the nods of her fellow group members...So I don’t know. I’m hoping that joining Writers Anonymous will help me feel like I’m not a horrible person because my pen has gotten dusty. It is my hope that this is just one of those writers block moments. That one day, the sun will shine again and I will be able to find my voice as a writer once again, and get my pen to going. I don’t know. They say that all things come to an end, and maybe one novel and book of poetry and two half novels that I just can’t seem to complete, and the monthly column in that magazine in New York and the writing prize I won in college are it for me. Maybe that’s the end of the rode. I think I’d be okay with that if I could just get this novel finished. If I could just squeeze it out of my soul where it is churning and begging to be cultivated. Maybe then I could lay it all to rest and just be your average joe. I don’t know. But thanks for listening.

*sits down to the sound of applause from her fellow writers who have been there and done that and know exactly what she is going through...she sits down and crosses her feet at the ankles, suddenly feeling better for having gotten that off of her chest....

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Sometimes you just have those grown up moments when you realize that your life has finally smoothed out and all of the little things you used to worry about, just aren't so anymore. I recently, and by that I mean in the past year, have been on a tremendous mission to get my credit together. I finally paid off a major debt, got my other major debt, my student loans, sigh, under control and applied for and actually received my first credit card. Now, I don't actually use this card, except to purchase the occasional CD, but I got it because this particular card was designed to help me get my credit score up. I also recently opened up my very first high yield savings account which if I keep up the way i plan, in the next 20 years...i should be able to put my kids through college. I'm feeling pretty good. I made a promise to myself to stop living from check to check. If I have to make sacrifices, (Carols daughter NOT included...come on that's my THING) then I'll do that. I have made a deal with myself, not to find myself in a position where I will be without groceries and to try and be in a place where I can be a financial blessing to someone in need. Now mind you, this is all very recent. I have been in financial trouble ever since I sold my soul for a free t-shirt when I was 18 and got my first credit card. Hindsight is so amazing isn't it?! I see all of these students signing up for a credit cards, just so they can get a free pizza. And its DOMINO's Pizza at that. Come on!!! But it is important to make wise financial decisions. I told myself that I wanted to own a piece of property by time I was 30. Notice, I didn't say a house. That would be great, but if I have to settle for a private parking space, then dangit, i will set my tent up on my parking space and declare it mine! But I feel like its going to go down. I have always been someone who has lived in the right now mentality. If I start working out, i want to see results, right now. If I start paying something off, I want it off my credit report, right now, If I finally relent and give someone my new cell phone number, I want him to call me RIGHT NOW!#%@! Whoa...sorry...that is a whole other blog! But the point is, it takes patience to dig yourself out of a hole. It is not going to happen instantly. There are lot of things that I could do right now, that would not be wise to do. It doesn't make any sense to spend all of your money on something temporary, and have nothing left in the end. I have never been very good at saving money, but now that I have to write a letter and request money instead of just going to the ATM, we all know my ADD will prevent me from even remembering to do it, so my money will begin to stack up. I like the thought of having a nest egg. Of finally getting it together and making wise decisions. I'm not a kid anymore. I definetely have the gray hairs and Ten year high school reunion looming before me to prove that. But it feels good that i can set aside my childish ways and embrace my grownupness...thats a word thats a word. Its been time for me to step my game up, so I say, let the games begin!

Peace Y'all!

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 09:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

So My job has not had any internet since um...last thursday...so I have not been able to check my email, or do any work since friday...I am in another office right now, as we speak, and i just spent the past hour checking my 84 emails. 84. And 75 percent of those were acutally business....No tanto mucho. I know that this isn't really a big deal, but I have just been slightly frustrated in general. I feel like I have been on a treadmill for a while now. Just moving in a fast pace, but not going anywhere. I'm really trying to be patient, but I dunno. Its hard. Anyway. I am not going to sit here and whine. I am truly truly blessed and have no reason to complain. At least I have internet right now to handle my business. Focus on the good things...Man I need a nap!

Peace Y'all!

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 10:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

A few thoughts:

 

Music is a necessary evil: As I sit here, as I have been for the past I’d rather not say how long playing spider solitaire and waiting for my computer to defragment, I realize that music is indeed a necessary evil. As a connoisseur of music, it is unnecessary to say that I have a lot of music files on my lap top. Most of them are CD’s that I have ripped onto my hard drive via Media Player, but whatever. The point is, that this process which is now currently, 36% complete, probably would have been finished a long time ago had I not had all of these files. But to be honest, I probably would not be sitting here defragmenting that dag nab thing if my computer hadn’t kept freezing every time I tried to burn a CD. So I suppose some good did come from this...I suppose...37% done

 

Ice Cream: Just as a general rule, if you live in Antarctica, or my apartment, which happens to be the Continental US version of the afore mentioned country, it is probably not wise to be sitting on the floor of your living room, in your drawers, eating ice cream with no socks on. Just a thought....39% done

 

Beyonce: Now, I am the first to admit that I am not the biggest fan of Beyonce. Let me be real and say that I do give her plenty of snaps for her vocal abilities...I mean let’s be honest, the girl can sing the wings off of a fly, but I am a fan of the understated artist. Between the CD’s, the videos, the performances, the movies, the commercials, the advertisements...come on blood, we get it! You’re beautiful and talented...point taken...now please go take a vacation so we can ALL have a break!!!! ...wait...my A.D.D. just kicked in...what was I saying....oh yeah...I recently acquired B’ Day from a reliable source, (I will not mention names as my attorney is reading this...=)) But I have to be honest and say that I love this CD. I am sure that it has a lot to do with the overall sassy place I am in my life (shout out to Dom Diddy) but, with songs like Freakum dress, upgrade u and the slightly scary in approach, but very real to life Ring the alarm, really how can you go wrong? I can actually listen to this entire album start to finish and really feel it. So, I officially have one un-pedicured (sorry Mom, it’s been a while, stop cringing) toe on the Beyonce Bandwagon...43% done

 

Dancing: I had a moment today when I flashed back to my childhood. Those good old days when we used to spend hours upon hours making up dance routines, using our tape decks to rewind to that perfect spot to start over. I missed those days. So, today, when I got home from work, I stripped down to my drawers, downloaded Beyonce and Danity Kane (another great album...Heartbreaker is my new anthem) onto my Mp3 player and got my dance ON! Can I please just tell you how liberating it was!!! I felt my whole life come together in that moment and Yes! I’ll do it again. I’m a little tuckered out right now, but dag nab it, you wait until I get my second wind and it is on!!  46% done

 

Cooking: I have been experimenting in the kitchen lately and I have to tell you, it has been oodles of fun! * I just thought of a really cheesy joke, but I’ll let it burn...DANGIT! I just thought of another...moving on... I could spend hours watching the Food Network getting ideas for my next culinary endeavor. This past week alone I have created some fantastic chicken empenadadas, a fabulous chicken sausage pizza on whole wheat crust of course. I have been experimenting with my new favorite thing in the world, polenta, and I came up with a wonderful creation which I like to call a Chocolate cookie cake...Okay, I got the recipe off the back of the cookie dough bag, but I switched it up by adding vanilla to it, thank you! Of course, I live alone, so I can’t too crazy in the kitchen, but I have to say that it has been a lot of fun. 50% done whew hew! Half way done!

 

Spider Solitaire: Is it ironic at all that for someone who is terribly afraid of spiders, that I think Spider Solitaire is one of THE GREATEST GAMES EVER! Yes, that’s right I said it! I love this game. It is such a time killer and so satisfying! I mean really what other game in the world is going to shoot off fireworks at the end when you win a game! I mean come on! Who needs more validation than that?! I’m just sayin!!! 50% still...um... No Tan Mu...(the abbreviation of No Tanto Mucho for those not in the know)

 

I suppose that’s it for now...I’ve killed about 20 minutes writing this little blurb and yes, we are still on 50 percent. It is slowly and surely approaching my bed time...Dino (My computer) needs to go on ahead and get on the good foot and do the damn thing...I’m ret to get in the shower and go to bed...it is time....Isn’t the Lion King a great movie!!!

Peace Y’all

*for the record, after all of that...Dino still froze when I tried to burn a cd....

*drops the mic...

Posted by Brandelyn at 08:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

What defines a good woman. Well in my personal opinion a good woman defines herself within her own actions. First off let me lay the foundation of why a woman has the ability to even be considered "good". Well for starters she is the absolute rock of a relationship and  more importantly the mother of humanity. The problem that woman run into which keeps them from obtaining the "good" status is the fact that they don't believe in their heart of hearts of how valuable they are, and it is because of this that we run into problems within relationships and even friendships. It is to often that we loose sight of our purpose here on this earth, it is not to make money, not to have a big house, nor have expensive things, our sole purpose is to reproduce and keep our civilization moving forward, and who is in complete control of this epic facet of life, you guessed it women. You control the absolute essence of life and mankind.

As you understand the foundation of the eternal essence of a woman now you must apply that knowledge to everyday life. You see if a woman is strong enough to conceive, carry, and create life for 9 months, how can she not be able to handle and help support the struggles of everyday life. Understand that no relationship is perfect. However, it is how two people can come together as one to overcome those struggles. A woman is made to nurture and support whether the sun is shining or if the storm is terrorizing she is and will always be the nurturing support that a man needs to help him navigate through the storm to get back to the shining sun. You see a man is the head of the relationship that is how we are made to be the strength, provider, and protector of the family. These were giving to us through divine right, what was also giving to us through divine right to help us cope was the sensitive, beautiful, and nurturing elegance known as a woman. Her role in the relationship would be the neck, because she is the support that guides the head and helps the head see to be able to make the correct decisions for the family. A woman who comprehends this is a GOOD woman.

There is an interesting dichotomy which helps to explain why some people are "good" and some people have some work to do. This ideology is known as "Fruit vs. Potential". Potential is a synonym for hopeful, it goes right along with words like wish, maybe, etc. Unfortunately people fall into the catehory of being potential, but as we know most people never truly reach there full " potential". So as we choose our significant others to be our partners for life if you choose someone with potential 9 times out of 10 that person isn't going to be what you "hoped" or "wished" they would be. It is at this point you have to make a decision about how much time do you want to put in to try and wait for your partner to reach there full potential, remember although love goes along way most people never reach there full potential.
       Fruit on the other hand is what you want to wake up to everyday. I say this because no matter which "fruit" you choose, they all have one thing in common, once you peel, or bite through the outer layer (also known as the skin) you will always reach the sweet core of that fruit. You see us as human beings are created in the womb pure. It is once we come out of that womb that we are taught or programmed to be who we are for the rest of our lives. These are known as your CORE values. You can't change nor deny them because they make up who you are as a person. It is also known as your character. As we choose our partners unfortunately people get caught up more in the potential of someone rather then the fruit of who that person is. Simply stated the fruit will outlast the potential everytime so please choose wisely!

Posted by Brandelyn at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

            The internet is down at work today, so my co-worker/partner in crime decided to head to a coffee shop to utilize the internet there. Of course, my laptop is lacking in the wireless internet capabilities, but I do have word and the option to save my work, so thus, comes my blog. On our way to the coffee shop, I was reading through Beyonce’s new CD and the last line of her Thank you’s says “Live everyday like its your last...”and I have to say, that I don’t agree with this adage. Now, for most of us, we don’t live like Beyonce. Most of us have jobs and have to work everyday to make ends meet. For example, here is what the typical day for Brandelyn looks like.

            7:30 am...awaken to the blaring sounds of ‘Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’ blasting from my cell phone.

            7:45 am Actually get out of bed.

            7:45-8:30 Purpose Driven Life and Devotional

            8:30- 9:30 Piddle around the house (Activities Include but are not limited to, Washing dishes, putting away randomly strewn clothing, making and consuming breakfast, reading a few pages of the boondocks anthology to get my mind right to deal with THE MAN)

            9:30-10 Get dressed and head to work

            10:45 Get to work and proceed to do what I do until about Noon

            12 – 1 Lunch and Subsequent Sunbathing in the back patio

            1-4 work

            4 Bounce, and head to the house where I commence to working on the novel, contemplating my life and being an overall G...

           

            See, nothing too exciting there, but a necessary routine that enables me to pay bills and purchase Carols Daughter to my hearts content. Now of course, I would love for something amazingly exciting to happen everyday, but let’s be realistic, I don’t think I could handle it. I get super juiced from a random dream, what would happen if my dreams became reality everyday. I get what the adage means, don’t waste a day, but honestly some days are meant to be wasted! That random Tuesday in November when its raining and cold and the thought of getting out of bed is so overwhelming that you realize that it is just not going down. What better way to spend a day like that then to float somewhere between conscience and awake, snuggly with your stuffed animal of choice, (shout out to BEAR). Now this day can be considered wasted because for me, no writing would get done, no reading would get done, nothing productive would get done, but on the flipside, I would get some much needed rest and relaxation.

            I am of course not saying that we shouldn’t dream. Everyone has to dream and have something to look forward to. And you should take every opportunity you can to pursue that, (Let me just take this moment to shout out my Good Friend Crispus Attucks aka Elosi for those in the know, who will be debuting this Friday in her first published article...thank you...) but if you don’t take a moment and acknowledge that you are going to have some just regular days, then you will drive yourself crazy trying to get to the dream. Enjoy the simple days. Enjoy life as it comes. Seize every chance that comes your way and cherish it, but realize and acknowledge, that you are going to simply have, some regular ole’ days.

 

Peace Y’all

Posted by Brandelyn at 10:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Yesterday, I finally got to the point where I was able to let go of something that I have been holding on to for a long time. A very long time. But eventually it boiled down to the fact that I love myself too much to keep trying to hold on to something that just doesn't want to be held. So I let it fly. Its funny because I had my box of Kleenex sitting next to my bag of cookies, but when it was all said and done, instead of feeling sad, I felt liberated and at total peace. Its crazy how when you are finally doing the what God has told you to do a LONG time ago, how easy it is. I think i feel really good because now I know that that situation was not for me and has been a hinderence for the situation that IS for me to come to pass. I have never been able to formulate my thoughts to define what Love is to me...but this poem is about the closest thing I could find...

Love Like by Shihan

I want a love like me thinking of you thinking of me thinking of you type love,
or me telling my friends more than I've ever admitted to myself about how I feel about you type love,
or hating how jealous you are, but loving how much you want me all to your self type love,
or seeing how your first name just sounds so good next to my last name,
and shit, I wanted to see how far I could get without calling you, and I barely made it out of my garage.
See, I want a love that makes me wait until she falls asleep then wonder if she's dreaming about us being in love type love,
or who loves the other more, or what she's doing at this exact moment,
or slow dancing in the middle of our apartment to the music of our hearts, closing my eyes and imagining how a love like this could just hurt so much when she's not there.
Shit, I love not knowing where this love is headed type love.
And check this, I want to place those little post-it notes all around the house so she never forgets how much I love her type love then not have enough ink in my pen to write all there is to love about her type love.
Hope that I make her feel as good as she makes me feel,I want her to distract me from whatever I'm doing type love
and I want to deal with my friends making fun of me the way I made fun of them when they went through the same kind of love type love.
Only difference is this is one of those real love type loves.
and just like in high school, I want to spend hours on the phone with her not saying shit,
then fall asleep and wake up with HER right next to me, and smell her all up in my covers type love
I want to try counting the ways I love her, and then lose count in the middle just so that I have to start all over again type love
I want to celebrate one of those month anniversaries even though they ain't really anniversaries, but doin' it just cause it makes her happy type love.
And I want to break down the time we spend together into seconds just so it sounds lilke we spend more time together type love
And check this, I want to fall in love with the melody the phone plays when her number is dialed into it type loves
and then talk to her until I lose my breath, she leaves me breathless, but with the expanding of my lungs I inhale all of her back into me I want a love that makes me need to change my cell phone calling plan to something that allows me to talk to her longer because, in all honesty, I want to avoid one of them high cell phone bill type loves.
I want a love that makes me regret how small my hands are I mean the lines on my palms don't give me enough time to love her as long as I'd like to type loves,
and I want a love that makes me st-st-st-st-stutter just thinking
about how strong this love is type love.
I want a love that makes me want to cut off all my hair...
Well, maybe not all of the hair
maybe just cut the split ends and trim my mustache,
but it will still be a symbol of how strong my love is for her.
And check this, I kinda feel comfortable now, so I can tell y'all this: I even be fantasizing about walking out on a green light just dying to get hit by a car just so I could lose my memory get transported to some third world country just to get treated then somehow meet up again with you so that I could fall in love with you in a different language to see if it still feels the same type love.
I want a love that's as unexplainable as she is, but I'm married, so she is going to be the one that I share this love with.

 

PEace Y'all

Posted by Brandelyn at 09:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

            It’s really funny how things change. Over time, we begin to develop into the people we will become, and life changes are made without a blink of the eye. For example, when I was a kid, I was a night owl by definition. I would wait until mom went to bed and sneak my flashlight under the covers and read until I passed out. I did this almost every night without fail and was a mess the next morning when I was expected to wake up early and behave like an actual human being. Mom finally got hip to my disdain for the AM hours and got me dressed and ready to go before I even woke up. I would literally wake up dressed, with one ponytail brushed, greased and braided ready to go. The other one would have to wait until I actually turned my head, or woke up. I was also very active as a kid. I could ride my bike for hours, or skate in my neighbor’s concrete driveway in my aunt’s Laker Girl uniform pretending I was Debbie Thomas, practicing my triple lutz and triple sowcows, which honestly was never really more than me jumping in the air and landing safely on my skates instead of on my face... until the street lights came on, and then had energy to spare. When I was a kid my desire was to become a lawyer, because Claire Huxtable made it look so good. I do distinctly remember swearing off boys in the 7^th grade when my crush called me names in front of the entire class and pointed out every flaw in my outfit thoroughly embarrassing me, and let me state for the record, as he will be reading this...LOL...my lime green cross color shorts were fly...thank you....LOL!!

            But now, things are quite different. Now days, I wake up every morning, weekends included at 7:30am, just because. Now days, its really hard for me to stay up past 10 pm, unless I absolutely have to. I will literally scoff at the notion of having to do something requiring exercise, unless it is absolutely necessary, and you best believe wi will be complaining the WHOLE time! LOL!! Instead of practicing law, I am in all senses of the word, an artist. Instead of being a homebody, I ache to travel and see the world. And we all know I have taken back my swearing off of men...lol...but never in a million years would I have imagined that things would have turned out the way they have. The things I value have shifted and my desires for happiness have shifted. The funny thing is that I have a distinct feeling that the things I value right now are going to dramatically shift in the coming years. Once I get married and start having babies and start building a whole family of my own, things will change. I’m looking forward to looking back and envisioning myself in my 20’s and shaking my head at the girlish mistakes I made during these years. I’m looking forward to re-reading my old journals and scanning my brain to recall the faces of the men who took up so much of my time and thoughts. It should be a relief to look back on who I am, acknowledge how those moments lead me to who I will become.

            I guess what it boils down to, every moment is precious, every memory is precious and every step leading toward the future is precious as well. Nothing is going to stop us from becoming who we are supposed to become. I am still very good friends with my 7^th grade crush, and live out my legal fantasies vicariously through my girl, Miss Lee, Esquire. I still read until I pass out at night, just at a different time. I still have a slight disdain for the AM hours, but am learning to let that go. Things change, but the fundamentals are always rooted in a good foundation. No matter what, I will still live my life with high doses of tomfoolery. I will abide by the artists credo, to live and let live, and I will always, always think that my lime green cross color shorts, were fly....

Peace Y’all...

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 11:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

So I had my dentist appointment yesterday and let me just say that the entire experience was a No Tanto Mucho moment. First I get in there about 20 minutes early, and fill out my little paper work and am told to wait. No problem. Akeelah and the Bee just started so I settle in to watch it. I realize about an hour into the movie, that an hour has passed, and there has not been a soul to come and check on me yet. Whatever. So Just as Akeelah makes it to the national spelling bee, I get called in. So I sit in my little chair and am asked to wait again. As the minutes ticked by, in my mind I’m thinking that I could have finished watching the movie if I’m going to be chillen’ like this, but whatever. So then the Dentist assistant comes and begins injecting my mouth with the anesthetic, so the dentist can get to drilling. Before she can even set the dag nab needle down, here comes the dentist ready to get to work. HOLD ON PLAYA! How about we take a moment to let this stuff settle in before we just get to drilling! I can still feel my mouth, so I’m thinking that its not time yet. So she gives me a few minutes and comes back and jumps right in with two feet and a pogo stick. So as she’s drilling I suddenly feel this blinding pain shoot up my face…I jerk and she stops and asks me if that hurts…I would think that the bugging out of my eyes and swinging of my arms would be enough to answer her questions, but hey some people need a direct answer. So I squeak out a yes and she proceeds to inject my face with more anesthetic. So she starts drilling again and that same blinding pain shoots up my face again. I think I actually hit her this time, I don’t know but she asked if it hurt again and says “ well we’ve done all we can, so we’re going to have to give you the super duper (love those medical terms) anesthetic.” So, she proceeds to get the largest needle in America and pokes my mouth with it 7 times…yes I counted…and suddenly my whole left side goes numb…whatever, lets just get through this. So, she finishes drilling my teeth, puts in the fillings and tells me I’m good to go, oh and tells me that I can't eat for 24 hours...great. I high bolt it to the front desk where I am told I have to pay 105 dollars for my torture session and need to schedule my next appointment so we can tackle the right side. As I am standing there the nurse hands me a tissue for the drool that is coming from my face. The entire left side of my face is numb and when I look in the mirror, I see that my eye is sleepy, my lips won’t curve up into a smile and I can’t breathe out of my left nostril. Maybe its just me, but I don’t think filling should be all the traumatic. But then again, maybe they are and that’s why I hadn’t been to the dentist in 12 years…well, whatever the case, that was the definition of a no tanto mucho moment!!!

Peace

Posted by Brandelyn at 10:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

            So I have my first appointment with the dentist today, and for some reason, I’m not nervous. I know that in the next hour I won’t be able to feel half of my face, and that I will have holes drilled into my teeth, but for some reason, I’m not trippen! LOL!! Well, we’ll see what happens when I walk the Green mile to get there. But this is just the first appointment of many. Just a word of advice, don’t wait 12 years to go to the dentist and use dental floss. Oh man. This is a no tanto mucho moment if I ever heard of one.

            But anyway, in other news, in my quest for spiritual balance, I have decided to actually live by my quote of the day “Don’t mistake activity with productivity and really start to scale back. The weather is starting to get cooler, which means that I will be spending a lot more time in doors, so now is the time to focus. For real this time. My career as a writer has really been put on hold, for various reasons, and to be perfectly honest, I have been itching to fall back in love with my characters, to start spewing out poems, to be inspired by literature again. But with the change in seasons, and the introduction of great new music, I feel a sudden surge of creativity that I need to tap into. I had to stop for a while because I was starting to get bored with my voice. As an artist, its really easy to become trapped in your style. Pretty soon, everything starts sounding the same and then you just need a break from yourself. I was going through that a few months ago, but I got over it. As much as I complain, I am a fan of the Fall, and I feel like this change in season, might be just what I need to cultivate the change in my voice. My goal is to have the first draft of this novel completed by the end of 2006. I have about three months and some change to finish it up. I think we can make that happen. Anyway, I’m off to get holes drilled into my teeth...Pray for me y’all!!

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 09:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

“Its like having a TV stand without having a TV in it…yeah…No DVD player…whoa, whoa whoa…its like catching a butterfly in a jar, with tints on it…can’t see its beautiful colors, can’t see it flutter…can’t see its beautiful wings…its like trying to sing…in the middle of a sound proof room…who would assume that you was making beautiful music…music…music…your melody is muffled with silence…”

                                                                                 Leandrew Robinson

 

            It’s funny because I have been spending most of the morning getting organized. Trying to put things in order and make things easier for the rest of my work week. So I began sorting through various files on my computer, and came across this quote by my good friend Lee. I sat here reading it a few times over and over again, and suddenly, something about these words really struck a chord in me.

            I recently had a “discussion” read: argument (lol) with a friend of mine about lifestyle choices. He told me that he felt sorry for me because I was such a giving person and eventually I would wind up feeling bitter and used and would wind up bled dry because people would continue to use me up until I had nothing left to give. It was funny because I never even thought about it like that. Yes, I give my last to someone in need, but the funny thing, is that I have never actually gotten to my last. God has always provided me with whatever I needed and then some, so I’ve never gone without. I told my friend that everything I give, and everything I do is meant to please God, not man, and that is why I have always been provided for. I think he understood where I was coming from, but as I read Lee’s words today, it struck me, that what he was describing was a life without love. When you are bitter about what life has tossed your way, you don’t notice anything good. Instead of the glass being half full, it is always half empty. A baby’s cry is source of irritation instead of the evidence of a new life, finally being able to speak its piece. It’s crazy how much you can miss by simply being bitter about a situation that happened a long time ago. I know, I can hold on to a grudge forever! I’m still mad at my brother for breaking my gingerbread house when I was 12...just kidding...but I do remember that... But I really had to come to the realization that there was no point in doing that. While you are all upset and bitter and missing out on life, the person who hurt you is not concerned about the situation at all, and is most likely doing much better off then you are. We give people a lot of power in our lives, for no real reason. One bad word from someone can kill our entire day, or one bad look from someone will spark that angry switch and we’ll be ready to fight for the rest of the day, and for what? Letting go of the past and learning to live a life of love and compassion is truly the only way to get past your past. I refuse to let my circumstances, history, or others expectations of me dictate where I am winding up in life. I answer to a MUCH higher authority and I am standing strong on the promises God has given me.

            So yes, a life without love is ‘like having a TV stand without having a TV...” A life without love is like “catching a butterfly in a jar with tints on it, you can’t see its beautiful colors, cant’ see it flutter, can’t see its beautiful wings...” A life without love is like “trying to sing, in the middle of a sound proof room...” who would assume that you have something to give, gifts to offer, talents to share, if you are so swallowed by your bitterness, or so buried underneath your past that ‘your melody is muffled by silence?”

 

Peace Y'all

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 12:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

There is this song called You don't wanna miss by a group from the early 90's called Four Real. They were super dope, y'all should check them out. But the basic premise for the song was them telling the men in their lives that they are going to miss out on a good thing if they didn't take advantage of them now. I can't say that I agree with this message. I mean it is true that we miss out on things when we don't take advantage, but why do I have to beg you to acknowledge all that I am as a woman? We hear it over and over again, with women begging men to pay attention to them, or take notice of who they are or appreciate all that they do, but honestly, is all of that necessary? It is very true, that if a man wants you, he will make that very clear. I recently found myself begging for attention. Sending out ultimatums for time, when my girl had to bust me out and ask me why I was even wasting my time? We should never have to beg someone to be a part of our lives. We should definitely put effort into relationships, I am a big fan of the fifty fifty in Relationships, but am I really supposed to beg for your time? I mean really, If you can't see what's in front of you, then who am I to try am twist your arm to see that I'm a good woman? It’s just not that serious! So, for the record, If I am spending time with you and making an effort, and that effort is not be reciprocated, then I am not going to go through hoops to try and keep your attention. There has to be an equal level of give and take, but brothas and sisters, there has to be a certain level of respect that needs to be had in yourself in order to be able to get to this point. We should never have to beg anyone to see the goodness in us. If he doesn't return your calls, or show you the amount of respect or loyalty you desire, then he's not the one. And No, we don't want to miss out on a good thing, but is our dignity and self respect worth it?

Posted by Brandelyn at 01:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I wish it was this easy to say... 

 Let me: Sergio Mendez, Jill Scott and Will I am

Let me..
Let me sit with you beside a street
Let me..
Let me Laugh with you and share your dream
Ill be your true friend until the end you can depend only select me
let me, let me
Say you let me
Let me
Let me cheer you when your dreams go pass
Let me
Let me hold you when your world seems lost
Let me
Cause right now you know I love you so
Let me
Let me never ever let you go
Let me
Let me
Let me3xx love you girl
Let me into your world
Let me
Cause I ain’t never felt love like this here
Let me take you for a walk, walk through park
Let me hold your hand
Let me see you spark
I desire tire I don’t want no partial
Let me asking you something
I don’t want to startle you
If I can hold your hand can I hold your heart
Let me, Just say you let me 2x
Aint nobody love me quite like you love me girl
Body next to you, body let me love you girl
Cause I ain’t never felt love like this here
Let me take you to the beach
Eat a peach
Let me take you out everyday of the week
If I know something you don’t know baby let me teach ya
Let me, just say you let me
Cause by now you know I love you so (you know I love ya)
Let me
Let me never ever let you go
Let me, have me 2x
Let me2x share you
Let me
Cause by now you know I love you so (you know I love you)
So let me
Let me never ever let you go7x

 

If only they would listen...Please get Sergio Mendez's new album...its called Timeless and it is amazing!!!

Posted by Brandelyn at 01:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

This past July, I turned 27 years old. It was crazy for me because, you don't realize that you are necessarily getting older, and then one day, you look in the mirror and there is a big fat gray hair sitting on your temple and it hits you...I'm getting older. But then there are those moments where you are forced to assert yourself and it hits you once again, I really AM grown!

SLowly, and surely, the pieces of my life are starting to fall into place. As the campus begins to buzz again with activity, and the events begin to roll around and the invitations start flying this way and that, for the first time, I don't have that little twinge in my stomach, that makes me want to be in college again. Instead of feeling like a college student, i feel the slight gap in age and experience and the things that used to thrill me, just don't do it anymore. Now instead of going out and getting drunk, and acting a fool, I'd much rather go to a poetry spot, or have a meaningful conversation with someone I love. Instead of pretending that my feelings don't matter, I speak my piece because now I realize that I am somebody with something to say. I love the fact that I more often than not play the roll of the big sister and am looked to to provide insight. That is a blessing.

I am 27 years, and by no means is that old, just older. Now instead of trying to be up on the latest fashions, I can forego that new jacket or new pair of shoes and buy lunch for a friend in need. I find myself seeking God now more than ever. Trying to live in the ways that He has set and trying to be a good person. 27, not old, just older. THings around me are changing. I'm changing, and while I am quite the creature of Habit...and slightly afraid of change, I feel like its time. I'm finding myself more and more financially independent from my family, which is scary and a blessing at the same time. And while I still have the same bear Nana gave me when I was 8 chillen on my bed, the adult Brandelyn is starting to come into her own.

My best friend turned 25 today, and I see for her nothing but possibilties. I feel like she is a member of my club now. AN elite club of grown women who are just doing the damn thing and I welcome her. This is where the fun starts girl. It gets better, and better I promise. The doors that are going to start opening up to you are beyond your imagination, and I'll be there, slightly older (shut up) and wiser to experience it with you. Happy Birthday Madame Esquire and I love you!!!

I'd Also Like to send a special shout out to my 04...Happy Birthday 04!!!

pEACE

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 09:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Vegas Diaries

            Sunday August 27, 2006

            We just arrived in Vegas and so far things are cool, and I mean that very figuratively. We can’t check into our hotel until noon, which is a drag, but we came over to the convention center early to set the booth up. We dropped our luggage off at the hotel and one of the guys had the brilliant idea to walk over to the convention center. We made it as far as the parking lot before we hopped our black asses in a cab and acted like we had some sense. So we arrived at the Las Vegas Convention Center and as soon as we stepped inside, there was an immediate sense of electricity. I’m excited! Its crazy walking in here because some of the booths are crazy!!! There are lights and cameras and some booths are set up to look like mini studios or apartments, equipped with two floors, featuring plush couches, lounges and bar areas where their clients can view their new products in style. The Phat Farm booth has lofts and couches and all kinds of tomfoolery, of course I could only get a slight glance at what was going on because it is an huge enclosed booth with armed security and guard dogs blocking the entrance (slight exaggeration), but what I could see through the windows was tight!  Its madness! The cold part about it is that regular ol’ people like me can’t even go inside. You have to have an appointment and a special badge to even walk past the dag nab things! It’s crazy!!! But the cool part is that I am super proud of Lee and Ragamuffin clothing for being right here, directly in the middle of all this, literally, running with the big boys. That is tight! The area is so big, I don’t even think I can make it all the way around it. I’d get lost! But I am really excited to be here! I will even more excited to check into the hotel, throw on a skirt and wife beater and see what Vegas has to offer. Oh and of course, as with any experience in my life, Tom to the J is in the building. I was sitting here at the booth, admiring my creative handiwork, when this random white dude tells me to smile. Me being the well raised, uber-polite person I am smile and say hello. This turns into a twenty minute monologue on his part about how he doesn’t work for money, he works for fun, then it turns into him being from New York and being able to handle himself in any neighborhood because he just looks like he can fight, so he’s cool. And then he proceeds to say “Its just about knowing how to handle yourself and be smart. You can’t walk into Harlem and, excuse my language, call someone a Nigger and not expect a reaction...” Whoa...And now Ladies and gentleman, My response, ahem:  “Sir, it is not okay to use that term in front of a Black person for the purpose of proving a worthless point, especially, since it is clear that you get some sort of cheap thrill every time you use it and manage not to get a royal beat down, so today, because I’m in a good mood, I’ll let this one slide, but you need to leave this booth now before I get upset.” He promptly did an about-face and kept it moving. NEVER!!!!!  People are getting real comfortable now days...if I’d said it once, I’ve said it a million times, “LEARN YOUR LIMITATIONS!!!” Anyway, the heat of this convention center (the air is will be on tomorrow...Praise God!!) combined with the heat of this computer is making it a bit unbearable, but I’ll be back if anything exciting happens!

1. CHecking into the hotel...I almost went to jail

   a. the woman who worked there coming at me crazy because of a mix up with the reservations and telling me that perhaps I should learn to handle my business better and make my own reservations....* yes she did

    b. Having to pay an 'energy bill' for the hotel...*yes a Hotel PG&E bill...never in my life...

    c. going to my room and it has not been cleaned from the previous guests and having to wait 4 hours for it get cleaned and THEN having to MAKE the housekeeper change the sheets and towels because she did not believe that I was a new guest... right....

 

 

LET THE TOMFOOLERY BEGIN!!!!

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 11:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If you read my blog yesterday, I'm sure that you can gage that yesterday was a bad day. It all started when the cap to my brand new bottle of CD oil fell into my bathroom sink and subsequently blocked any water from going down the drain. I spent a good chunk of my morning trying to get it out to no avail. Unfortunately, it started a whole series of irritating events, however, God is faithful and when I asked for a better ending to my day, oh He gave it to me.

It all started with a phone call to my Rose. Once I got through the whining part of my day, she made a very simple suggestion; why not melt the cap down, so it will give me some room to get it out of the drain. In my mind, there was not a more brilliant solution to my problem. So I went home, changed into my favorite house dress, too off my earrings and stood in front of my bathroom sink. As I stood there, my mind began scanning my inventory of things to burn to melt the cap. Now as a side note, i have to say, that I was more than thrilled with the task at hand. I have always had slightly Pyro tendencies, tendencies that were curbed after the unfortunate incident of '85. But that is another story all together. ANyway, My first attempt to melt came with a stick if incense. I figured it would catch on fire and was long enough to get down in there and get to melting. I tried it, it caught on fire, but there was too much water down there, and thus, the flame went right out. So I figured I needed something a bit more substantial, so I tore apart the packaging from a tube of toothpaste and set it on fire. Unfortunately, the packaging was made mostly of plastic, so instead of catching on fire, it just melted. Fun to watch, but not useful right now. At this point I am standing in my hallway, trying to figure out what else I can use, when my eyes fall on my brand new box of tampons! BRILLIANT! I grab one and tear away the wrapper, and there in my hand is the answer to all of my problems. I light the tip on fire and nice little flame ensues. I stick it into the drain and it melts a little, but again, there is a little pocket of water that keeps putting out my flames. But wait! The tampon is rather absorbent, and does a great job of soaking up all of the access water that has until this point, thwarted my plans! HAHA!!! Now that the water is soaked up, I can burn whatever I need to burn. So I flip the Tampon around, light the other side on fire, but get back to melting. The top melted enough for me to pop it on its side, but it was still too big to get out of the drain hole. So I light the tampon on fire again, but it is just quite getting the flame I want, then a thought occurs to me. On each and every one of my CD perfume bottles it has the warning...Caution, Flamable...BRILLANT. I spray some of the Love spray onto the the tampon and light...the flame is great, i stick it back into the drain hole and the cap melts some, but not enough. THis time I douse the tampon with the Love spray and that things LIGHTS UP!!! I drop it in there and lo and behold, the cao melts away, and I can pull it out. And as an added bonus, my entire house now smells like love. SO not only did I achieve my goal, but I now have a great scent permeating my home...PLease do not knock the innovation....

*drops the mic....

Posted by Brandelyn at 11:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

I had a conversation one of the students I worked with and we were talking about wishes. This student is in middle school and is very young and said that if she had three wishes, she would for lots of money, a big house, and more wishes. I told her that if I had three wishes, I would only use one, and that wish would be for a real life pause button. Now this button would be for my own personal use and can be used at any time, for any reason. So for example, on days like today, when I feel overwhelmed and just want five minutes to myself, or on those days, when the sleep is really good and getting up is the absolute last thing you want to do, the pause button comes to the rescue. With this amazing button, you can pause life and restart it when you are ready. With this button, I can avoid car accidents, uncomfortable conversations, and any other unpleasant situation. It could be a way to freeze a moment that is really nice and make it last longer, or just catch up on that time off you didn't get to really use because you were busy doing everything but relaxing. Yeah, it would be nice to have this wonderful button that could make life that much easier. I mean, really, think about it. In countries like Spain, where there is time set aside every day for naps, you don't hear about ridiculously high crime rates, why? Because they take naps! People underestimate the power of being rested. Even in our society, kids don't really start getting mean toward each other until 2nd and 3rd grade... Why because it is around that grade level that they stop taking those good naps during school. I think I am begining to see the pattern here! I know that my bad mood today is directly related to the fact that I am wearing myself out trying to live the life of three different people. Brandelyn the socialist, who is trying to change the world, one student at a time, Brandelyn the writer who doesn't even have the time to wind down enough to actually work on the book, and Brandelyn the friend, who tries to be there for as many people in as many capacities as possible, and I have to be real honest y'all. A sister is tired. Even my "vacations" are working vacations, so where is the balance? They say that you should take 10 minutes out of every day and do something for yourself, but they way the day usually goes, its over before I even realize that i've fallen asleep and then a few hours later, we do it all again. I don't even have time to wash clothes (Have that tide ready for me Mommie! LOL!) but then again, how would i feel if I didn't have a ton of things to do? I'd be bored. So I ask you...where is the balance? The balance is in the pause button. A little tool that gives you just a little extra time to get back in the game. Man, i would pay big money to make that happen!

I'm done venting! Thanks for tuning in....

B

Posted by Brandelyn at 11:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)